A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Fifteen - Only a Reminder that You're Just Not Good Enough

Darlings,

I just have to say that I'm so grateful for all the thoughtful reviews. You dolls are such a phenomenal audience, I love chatting with you and reading all your insightful comments!

A couple sweeties to note, Allysue08, thanks love for the little shout out in your A/N, Orlipanda, who reminded me of the wonders of Limoncello and pixiekat7 for being my own personal cheerleader this week! Check out my profile page for other bb's that give this story love...

Dear, dear beta n7of9, oh how I wish I could make Rob your cyber twin…sorry but you're stuck with me instead sweets (btw, that's funny). Big smooches to you babe!

Disclaimer: It's not mine.

...

EPOV

I stirred the pot of bubbling minestrone soup on the stovetop, the tomato aroma complemented by the various vegetables softening in the broth. The intense colors were mesmerizing, the vibrant greens of the beans, spinach and zucchini in direct contrast with the red drape of broth. I tasted a small amount, the tangy burst of flavor indicative of vegetable and bean infusion. I pierced a piece of carrot with a fork and it was starting to soften, so I tossed in the bag of shell pasta to absorb some of the liquid.

It was my peace offering to Alice, I knew how much she loved minestrone soup. It had been a favorite of our mother's and Alice always felt better after she had a bowl. I emulated the recipe exactly, even remembering to splash in a small amount of red wine, a secret ingredient my mother always added to make her soup taste that little bit special, that little bit hers.

I readied the romaine for the antipasto, tearing the leaves and placing them in the colander to rinse. The salami and provolone julienned and waiting in the fridge, I mixed the balsamic vinegar and olive oil, salt and peppered the dressing, and carefully added the dried oregano, basil and garlic. I placed the dressing in a bottle and shook to blend the liquids and disperse the herbs.

Stirring the soup again, I heard the front door slam. There was a long pause in the entryway, five whole minutes of contemplation before Alice walked gingerly into the kitchen.

She was still wearing that brown velvet jacket, Jasper's claim on her, I assumed. She crossed behind me, hopping onto the counter and crossing her legs in front of her. Pulling out a parcel from the pocket of her jacket, she opened the brown bag and produced a fresh deck of tarot cards and unfolded one of the various scraps of silk from her room. She spread the silk across her lap and began shuffling the cards in her hands.

I watched the cards moving in her hands and I started to apologize. "Alice, I…" but she stopped me with her small hand, holding up her index finger indicating she needed a moment. I sighed, anxious to have the words out and be done with this fucking mess.

Alice continued to shuffle the cards while I ran the spoon through the soup, waiting for her to gather her thoughts.

Finally, the cards stopped and I turned to see Alice flip over a single card. Her eyebrows creased and I craned my neck to see it but she snatched it up before I could. Alice's tired eyes glanced up at me and for a moment I saw pain in her expression. She must still be thinking about the fight last night.

"Doesn't count, new cards," I heard Alice mutter under her breath, and she continued to shuffle the deck.

Another fucking long-ass uncomfortable silence. The need to say something pressed on me now, fucking suffocating my patience, and again I tried to speak. "Alice, listen I…" and again she cut me off.

"Edward, do you have any idea what you did to his face?" Ouch. Yeah, I was pretty sure this was going to take more than fucking minestrone.

"Yeah, Alice, I know what I did," I muttered, my eyes inspecting my own hand, knuckles braised and scabbed over, flexing my fingers and absorbing the ache. I deserved it.

"Are you even sorry? Because you're just in here cooking like normal, like you didn't even assault my boyfriend last night." I tried not to cringe when she called him her boyfriend, hoping she wouldn't notice. She just continued her ranting.

"You know that was assault, right? Jasper could press charges if he wanted. He didn't even fight back." Alice crossed her arms in front of her. Yeah, I had noticed that too. He didn't even take a swing, the first hit was a fucking accident. I guess it was kind of commendable. Shit! I had really fucked up here.

"Alice, of course I'm sorry," I said, my gaze still fixed on my knuckles. "I just…I just always want what's best for you and I didn't know. It's not like he's reeking of moral fiber. He sells drugs, for Christ's sake."

"You don't know the first thing about his moral fiber. You don't know anything about him," Alice retorted bitterly. It was true, I knew very little about Jasper, only that his parents were big in the community, his bitchy twin was dating my cousin, and he had an affinity for pissing on the long arm of the law.

I tried to find a way to explain my behavior. "I know, Alice. I just fucking snapped when-"

"Yeah, I was there, I remember," Alice interrupted, quietly. I looked up to find her staring at me now, her features laden with obvious concern and fear, and I knew why. I recognized that look, the fear a permanent fixture she had carried back in Chicago.

"Alice, it's fine. Okay? I'm fine. I was just…caught off guard. I don't know how to explain it, but I promise you, it's fine. I'm fine." I was trying to get the words out quickly before she could interrupt me again, but I was having difficulty finding the right thing to say.

"You already said that." Alice looked down at her fingers, the cards tumbling between her hands. She was seasoning or cleansing them, I don't know, I never can tell the difference. She'd explained it to me before, the cards had to absorb her energy or something.

I sighed, unable to articulate what I was trying to fucking say. What was I trying to say? My mind had been a jumbled mess but after talking with Bella, everything became so clear, so precise, and now, without a record of the conversation, I couldn't put it into words on my own. Now it was just a feeling, a general feeling of ease and comfort.

Instead of offering her more futile excuses I turned back to the stove, bringing the wooden spoon to the pot and gently swirling the bubbling mixture. The pasta was soft now so I removed the pot from the heat, pushing it onto a cool burner. My back to her, I heard Alice slip down off the counter.

"Is that minestrone?" Alice was straining to peer around me as I placed a lid on the pot, insulating the soup and trapping the aromatic vapors inside.

"Yeah, it's a peace offering," I mentioned casually. "It seems I'm a bit prone to overreaction."

Alice snorted at this admission and a small smile crept across her face. "Well, it's a start. What else did you make?"

"Antipasto with fresh salami and provolone, and I marinated some green olives and artichoke hearts." Alice loved green olives, especially marinated in garlic infused olive oil with a splash of lemon juice and freshly chopped basil.

"Dessert?" Alice asked with a raised eyebrow, and I smiled at my sister, food once again easing an argument in my family. Since moving to Forks, no matter what, we always came together over a good meal, despite any slander or wrongdoing that had happened previously. Maybe that's why I loved cooking so much, because I could provide the catalyst for resolve, the meal the basis for our gathering around the dining table. This was what I could do for my family.

"Vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries and topped with…wait for it…" I paused for dramatic effect, "Limoncello."

"Well, fuck! I was going to be angry with you for a while longer, but now I don't know if I'll have the grounds." Alice's small grin faded. "Just promise me, Edward, that you'll try to control the fighting. Please? One of these days you're going to fuck with the wrong dude and find yourself seriously injured…or worse." Alice's features darkened at this statement and I rolled my eyes at her worry. I could handle myself in a fight. That should be the least of her worries.

I was about to tell her this when she continued, "Just be careful. You matter to people."

I nodded, absorbing the implications of her statement. I did matter to people, I mattered to Bella, and it was true that I did need to be aware of my actions, even more so now. There was a contemplative silence, both of us lost and wading through our various thoughts and queries.

"He asked me to prom, you know," Alice finally spoke, breaking the quiet.

"Shit, you're going to prom? Are you even allowed to go to prom? You're only a Sophomore." Prom? What the fuck? What the hell had happened to my sister?

"Yeah, well, Rose and Emmett are going and Jasper said he wanted to take me. I don't know, it's kind of nostalgic, right? It could be cool, like Pretty in Pink cool. I could make my dress out of other more stylish dresses and everyone will secretly think it's ugly but won't say anything because there's a whole sewing montage." I laughed at her explanation and let the positive pieces of our childhood creep their way into my memory. Alice loved that movie, she used to watch it constantly when we were younger, but she always hated the chick's prom dress. She'd go on and on about how she should have just worn the one her friend gave her and she almost cries when the chick starts cutting it up.

"Dude, rationalize it any way you want, prom is fucking lame," I laughed, tossing my dishes into the sink and running the tap.

"I don't think Bella will think it's lame," Alice hinted. "I mean, it's like a rite of passage or something."

"Bella will definitely think prom is lame," I snorted.

"What would make you think that? She's not the introvert, Edward, you are," Alice countered. Again, the know-it-all was fucking right. Shit, did Bella want to go to prom? I guess I was going to have to fucking find out.

Just then, Alice gasped. "What? What's wrong?" I asked her, perplexed.

"Eighties prom. Dude, we should have an eighties prom!" Fucking Alice was going to make this shit unbearable.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked her, although I had some inclination as to what she was proposing.

"We should all dress in eighties formalwear for prom. That would be awesome!" She had the idea in her head now and there would be no swaying her otherwise at this point.

"Rose is not going to wear an eighties dress to her prom, you know that, right?" I countered.

"I don't care, she doesn't have to, but I bet Bella will," Alice smiled, smug as shit because she was probably fucking right. I sighed and resigned myself to the idea because if Bella wanted to go to prom, then I would take her.

"Fuck, Alice, I swear to God, the minute there's talk of a choreographed group dance, I'm out." Alice gripped my arm and I could practically see her designing the dresses in her head.

"Edward, you will not be disappointed. It'll be fun, I promise. I'm going to call Jasper. You have to ask Bella soon so I can start her dress. Prom is in, like, four weeks I think. That should be plenty of time." Alice pranced out of the kitchen, her mind calculating, I'm sure.

And just like that, I was going to prom in eighties formalwear, fucking white tuxedos and bow ties and shit, unless, by some stretch of the imagination, I could convince Bella not to go. But at least I'd get to see Bella all dressed up, that being about the only worthwhile thing about this whole fucking debacle.

I also had to figure out how I was going to ask Bella to go to prom with me without looking like a total douche. I was all for going if that's what Bella wanted. I'd do just about anything if it made her happy.

…

"Human blood types are genetically determined. The table below shows the symbols used to represent two of the alleles for blood types and gives a description of each allele." Bella tapped her pencil on our lab desk as she read the notes from the study guide. I traced the outer edge of her ear with my finger, pushing her soft curls behind it and fingering the loose tendrils on her neck. I just couldn't keep my hands off her, the exposed skin too inviting not to touch.

Spring Break was over and this past Monday the mundane misery of public education began its relentless inundation of torment. It had only been four days and already I was craving the next vacation, days of sleeping in late after quiet, remarkable nights with Bella. Just being able to freely spend my time doing whatever I wanted, which mainly consisted of spending time with Bella; talking to Bella, cooking with Bella, feeling Bella. I could hardly stand to be apart from her now, her absence a constant dull ache. I spent our time apart anxious for her return, wondering what she was doing, thinking of funny or interesting things I wanted to tell her, things I wanted to do to her. It was actually quite fucking alarming how much of my mental awareness was occupied by thoughts of Bella.

Mr. Banner was giving us time to complete a study guide that supposedly held all the answers to tomorrow's exam and Bella was frantic about completing it to perfection. It had been over a week since I told Alice I would ask Bella to prom – more than seven days of seeing her and not being able to ask. I don't know why I was so fucking nervous, I didn't really think she was going to say no, but then again, she might just laugh in my face. I didn't think I could stomach either.

Bella turned her head to kiss the fingers now drawing lines in the curve where her neck flowed into her shoulder, her indigo v-neck t-shirt a dark contrast to her creamy skin and displaying the indentions of her collarbones and shoulders quite torturously. It took every restraint imaginable not to just sink my teeth into that naked curve. Instead, I let my fingers do the adoring where my lips could not.

"Then there's this stupid chart and it asks us to find the blood type of their fucking offspring. Shit! I know he said something about this yesterday. Where are your notes?" Bella was flipping through her spiral notebook, looking for yesterday's information.

"I didn't take notes yesterday," I mumbled, my fingers still enthralled with the flow and ripple of her neck and shoulders.

"Yes you did. I saw you, you were definitely writing something." Bella turned her body to face me now and I brushed the stray strands of hair from her face.

"Recipes, ingredients. I had an idea for a dish." I shrugged my shoulders and nodded towards the study guide. "Let me see that."

I glanced over the problem. It was simple enough, I did some quick calculations in my head. "D, One-fourth," I said, handing the packet back to Bella.

Bella just blinked a few times, her long lashes quickly dusting the top of her cheekbones.

"I hate you," she muttered, rolling her eyes and turning back to her notes, a slight smile upon her lips. I laughed quietly, running my hand the length of her back and leaning in swiftly to kiss her cheek, her lavender essence intoxicating as it invaded my senses.

"So, how you doing on attendance this trimester?" I asked, allowing my hand to gently massage the nape of her delicate neck. She leaned into my fingers, her lids fluttering closed and just so fucking beautiful.

"Hmm?" she mumbled, still relaxing into my touch. Her mouth opened slightly and I wanted to press my lips to hers, run my tongue along her slightly glossed pink flesh. All I could focus on was Bella, her mouth, her neck, her hip pressed against mine…

Fuck, I needed to get out of here. And I was taking her with me.

"Can you skip gym? Or are you particularly looking forward to badminton this afternoon?" I hummed quietly into her ear. She inhaled sharply, turning her gaze to me and sinking her little white teeth into her fleshy bottom lip.

"Oh, I don't know," she said, her tone rich with cynicism. "I think I've missed at least one day of gym a week since I've been here."

"Come on, Bella, it's healthy to ditch class now and then." I trailed my fingers down her spine, my hand tracing slow spirals on her lower back and causing her to slightly shiver beneath my touch.

"Well, you know me, I'm a health nut," Bella said, sarcasm seeping from every syllable. "You should let Alice take the Volvo and you could just ride home with me."

"I don't know, Bella. Have you ever actually ridden with Alice? She fucking speeds and she thinks she can multitask. There's nothing more threatening than a driver with mascara and a lead foot." I shuddered a little at the thought of Alice driving my Volvo but I didn't want to leave her without a ride.

"C'mon! Let me take you home. Please?" Bella pretended to pout, her bottom lip jutting out in flirtatious fullness, and fluttering her long, dark lashes. It was almost too much to bear.

"Alright! Fuck, you know I can't resist you all pouty and adorable and shit," I teased. Bella beamed at me, collecting her notebook and study guide and tossing them into her tote bag. I hated to have to tell her she wouldn't be getting much studying done this evening.

We met Alice outside the lunch room and she was way too excited to be getting the keys to my car in her grubby little fingers. After Alice pranced off to class, we walked to Bella's truck, engaging in the usual "who's going to drive" banter. As much as I wanted to let Bella win this time, her familiarity with her truck giving her the advantage, I really didn't want to have to explain driving directions to my house. So I persisted in the argument and eventually Bella succumbed to my persuasion.

I was still adjusting to the timing of Bella's truck, but I didn't stall once this time, earning me a big fucking job well done from myself as I pulled into the driveway. Carlisle's house was on a street diverted off the highway, a little further into the heavily wooded areas of Forks and nestled back against a mountain dense with cedars and firs, the misty evergreen backdrop draped in moss and crawling with vines. When Alice and I first arrived here I had been mesmerized by the green, the leafy landscape contradictory to the concrete forest of downtown Chicago, and the cool, clean atmosphere, crisp with organic aromas, a stark contrast to the thick, heavy air of the city. I found in Washington a place I could breathe, even when I didn't particularly want to.

As we walked to the front door I realized that Bella had only been here a couple of times and had never even seen my bedroom. We always spent our time at her house, especially since Charlie had returned to work, the lack of parental supervision just too inviting and convenient.

The house was quiet and vacant, Esme the only occupant, probably in her drawing room or something. Bella walked quietly beside me, apprehensive and a little fucking nervous, which was a little fucking cute. I took her hand and pulled her up the stairs.

Esme appeared in the doorway of her bedroom. "Edward? Oh! Hi there, Bella." I knew she wouldn't be pissed at me for ditching, as long as I kept my grades up they wouldn't harp on me about shit like that. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. We just left early," I said quickly.

"Oh, okay. Well, it's nice to see you, Bella," Esme said, giving Bella a tight hug. "We miss you around here."

"Thanks," Bella said, blushing. I could tell she wasn't used to this type of physical display of affection. You'd think her parents never hugged her, the way she blushed and received the hug with cumbersome comfort. It made me want to wrap her in my arms every minute of every day to try to repair some of the fucking damage.

"Well, I'm just finishing up some laundry and then I'm going to meet Carlisle for coffee. He's working a double shift tonight so he won't be home until late," Esme said, walking back into her room and leaving us on the landing. Esme was pretty great about the meddling bullshit. She trusted me to make good decisions, even with all the fuck ups I had purposefully engaged in so early in our relationship.

I pulled Bella up the second set of stairs to my bedroom on the third floor. That was probably the best fucking thing about this house, I practically had the third floor to myself. There were two bedrooms up here, one for me and one Esme used for her crafts and designs and shit. Other than that, nobody ventured up here.

"Do you realize how cool this is, practically having your own floor?" Bella said quietly.

"Yeah, it's definitely a plus," I responded. "I had to rho sham bo Alice for this room when we first moved in. She claimed that because she was the only girl she should get the separate floor. A good argument, but I was insistent. Luckily, she's highly predictable. I mean, if I've learned anything growing up with Alice, it's that nine times out of ten she'll throw paper first."

I opened my bedroom door, thankful as all shit I had managed to clean up some crap last night and that I had made my bed this morning. Most days it remained a tangled lump of fabric.

"My room," I said pulling her inside. She walked in gingerly, a bit out of place. I couldn't quite place her apprehension - I'd been in her room hundreds of times. I moved to sit on the bed, trying to appear comfortable and maybe project some of that ease onto her.

Bella walked over to the window facing the river behind the house which stretching into the wide expanse of darkened forest. "Wow, you have an amazing view up here." She stretched to take in the complete view, pressing her face to the window.

"Yeah, I can see right into the Crowley's backyard from up here. They're nudists, you know," I said winking as Bella whipped her head around to look at me, shock all over her pretty little face.

"Shut up! They are not." She turned back to the window, craning her neck again to see for herself. "Are they?"

I laughed at her gullibility. Bella scowled at me, muttering a profanity or two under her breath as she moved away from the window. She ventured over to my music collection, a large wall of CD's and LP's. Sure, I had all that music in digital format, but there's something tangible about having the hard copy. It was still fairly organized, a few of my more recent acquisitions still wrapped in plastic and tossed haphazardly on the shelf. Bella investigated the records first, instantly pulling one from the pile. I recognized the album immediately, the shaggy foursome pictured on the front a dead giveaway.

"Holy fucking shit, Edward. This," she paused, pressing the album to her chest, "this is a great fucking album. I can't believe you have this on vinyl." I moved to stand by her now, taking the album from her hand and removing the record from its protective paper covering. Placing the record on the turntable, I carefully lowered the needle into the appropriate groove.

The perfectly flawed scratchy mixture of guitar and drum filled the room, the upbeat tempo lulling the listener into a false sense of security, because when the lyrics arrive, a harmony of reminiscence, the tone turns melancholy. "Some are dead and some are living, in my life, I've loved them all."

I wrapped my arms around my life, pulling her into my being and swaying slightly, securing my lips to hers and trying to let Lennon say the words that resonated in my soul. She leaned into the kiss, pressing her small body to mine and bringing her hands to cradle my face. Breathing slowly into her touch, I continued with quiet, sensuous kisses, my hands clutching at the back of her t-shirt, just desperate for her to know the depth of my commitment to her, as if I could convey that with a fucking song and a kiss. I didn't really know how to convey it at all, but I'd take every opportunity to try.

The song over, and another filling the room now, I pulled my lips from hers. Her liquid eyes glistened and she brought her face to my shirt, using the fabric to absorb the tears on her cheeks. I chuckled softly, kissing both her eyes, the salty substance upon my lips, tasting whatever emotion this had sparked in her. Pain, understanding, longing, love - they were all there dwelling in her deep chocolate eyes.

And acceptance. Acceptance seeped from every pore in her being, her desire to prove her acceptance of me, of my love, despite all the flaws, nicks and scratches, just like that fucking record - it skipped every so often and had been digitally remastered to hell and back, but there was something so genuine in the original, something pure and raw that couldn't be replicated. It was fucking perfect, not in spite of its imperfections but because of its flaws and irregularities.

"Best slow dance ever," Bella teased, still wrapped in my arms and reminding me that I still had something to ask her.

"So, tell me, what's you status on eighties formalwear?" I asked, leaning away to gauge her reaction. She squinted her eyes and pursed her lips, contemplating my motives, I'm sure, but probably formulating a smart-ass response as well.

"Are we talking polo shirts and khaki eighties or big hair glam rock eighties?" she inquired, bringing her hands to rest on my neck and smoothing the small curls that formed there, their appearance usually an indication that it was time for a haircut, but in this moment I was thankful they were there to entice her fingers.

"How about iconic cult movie eighties?" I clarified.

"I'm a sucker for eighties movies. I'm compelled to watch them when they're on. It's useless to resist." Bella shrugged her shoulders and I sighed, fully accepting the fact that I would be taking part in the most pedestrian of all high school traditions.

"Bella, will you dress up in eighties formalwear and go to prom with me?" I asked her. Surprise shot across her face, followed my sheer amusement, her lips spreading into a wide grin.

"You want to take me to prom? Seriously? Wait, is this Alice's idea?" Bella eyed me suspiciously and I gladly gave responsibility to my sister.

"Of course this is Alice's idea. Do you honestly think I'd come up with fucking eighties prom?" I asked, teasing her. "Who the hell do you think I am? Do you even know me at all?"

"Hmm, I don't know, you've surprised me on more than one occasion," Bella retorted. "Do you want to go?"

"I want to go if you want to go," I responded honestly. I didn't want to fucking go to prom. No dude in their right mind actually wants to go to prom. We go because they want to go, and if we don't, a guilt trip will most likely ensue.

"It could be fun. Is everyone going?" Bella inquired. I knew she was really asking if Rosalie was going. Rosalie made her uncomfortable. The bitch was always trying to get under Bella's skin, like she knew exactly what to say to piss her off. Bella handled herself well, but I knew having to deal with that shit was tedious.

"Yeah, they're all going, and Alice wants everyone to dress in fucking eighties shit," I said with clear distaste. "Rose already said no, along with other, more colorful words." Bella nodded, not meeting my eyes.

"It's okay. We don't have to go. It's not really a big deal to me," Bella said, still not allowing me to see her face. What the hell? She was acting all mopey and shit, like, upset that I had even asked her.

"What's wrong?" I asked, confusion written all over my expression, I'm sure.

"Nothing's wrong. It's fine. I mean, I don't really like dressing up much anyways, and I don't want to go if you'll be unhappy." She smiled, trying to convince me she was being honest, when realization dawned on me. Bella did want to go to fucking prom and I had just asked her in the most non-romantic, non-gentlemanly way ever. Now she was just saying this shit to appease me, to make me happy. Fuck! I am such an asshole. I frantically searched for a way to salvage the situation.

"Bella, are you declining my invitation?" I asked, trying to pretend I wasn't such a jackass while smiling internally at the fact that this girl was acting like such a...well...girl. I had to admit, it was somewhat endearing.

The faintest hint of surprise flitted across her face, followed by a more knowledgeable gaze. "Hmm, changing your tune there, huh, Romeo?" She smiled softly, fully aware of my intentions, and presenting just another reason for me to love her. I should have known I wouldn't be able to pull one over on Bella, her brilliant mind always searching, seeing what very few did. I would have to appeal to the less logical side of her personality.

I took Bella's hand in mine, bringing her fingers to my mouth and letting them linger as I kissed each one with moist, full lips. Working my way up her hand and arm, I gently nipped and licked at the bend inside her elbow, pulling her closer as I continued to kiss up her arm to her shoulder, pushing her short sleeve out of the way. When her shirt became a nuisance, I slowly slipped the neckline of her stretched v-neck and the tiny strap of her black tank top down to expose her bare shoulder and neck. I continued to kiss her flawless ivory flesh with slow, sucking kisses, grazing my teeth along the skin as Bella inhaled sharply, her fingers clutching the back of my neck and a soft moan falling from her lovely mouth. I slowly brought my lips to her ear, lightly taking her lobe between my teeth and sucking slightly.

"Bella, will you go to prom with me?" I whispered into her ear, her hands moving into my hair and tugging as I pressed my lips into the space just below her ear.

"Yes," she said breathlessly, and I smiled into her neck, amazingly pleased that I had some power at least over this more primal, instinctual part of logical, brilliant Bella.

...

Fuck, I hate my sister. I ran my hands through my unruly hair again, glancing in the rear view mirror as I waited for Jasper, trying to control at least one aspect of my physical appearance tonight. I cursed out loud as I adjusted my black pants, the fucking crotch riding up and giving me a wicked frontal wedgie. I wanted to burn these fucking pants. Alice had found them at some shittyass thrift store along with the royal blue tuxedo jacket that was a size too small and the white ruffled tuxedo shirt complete with a fucking bow tie.

If someone would have told me a couple months ago that I'd be taking my girlfriend to fucking prom dressed in a fucking tuxedo from the eighties, I would have punched them right in the dick. The four weeks that I had been using to buffer the fucking shit I was going to have to endure tonight were up. There were only four more weeks left in the school year and with prom and then graduation approaching, the whole fucking town was thriving with plans and hope for the future. Alice had been spending every waking moment either working on prom dresses or hanging out with Jasper. He'd been spending more and more time at our house and I guess we had developed a general camaraderie over this eighties prom shit. I seriously doubt this is what he had been expecting when he had asked Alice to go with him, but now his hands were tied. It was because of his acceptance and agreement to go along with this shit that I allowed my dislike of him to somewhat dissipate. Anyone who would wear a fucking bolo tie with an ivory high collared shirt and purple tuxedo jacket simply for the sake of my sister had to be fucking cool.

The girls were getting all dolled up at Bella's house and I was supposed to pick up Jasper and then pick them up. Emmett and Rose were taking a limo with the rest of the wrestling team seniors, so tonight it would be just the four of us. Alice had told me at least nine times not to forget the fucking corsage in the refrigerator and that I was to leave my "pissy-ass attitude at home".

Well, I guess my pissy-ass attitude had snuck into my trunk or something because as I waited in my car I was seriously having doubts about following through with this. Then Jasper walked out the front door of his huge house, looking about as comfortable as the backseat of a hatchback, and I just had to laugh at this fucked up situation. Jasper looked like he stepped right out of a brat pack movie complete with a look of annoyance and contempt spread across his face. A plastic box in one hand and rocking suspenders and his bolo tie, he had yet to put on the purple jacket Alice had insisted upon. Jasper opened the passenger door and threw the jacket in the back seat. He huffed into the front seat and slammed the door shut without looking at me.

"Hey there, Duckie," I said, grinning from ear to ear in reference to Alice's all-time favorite eighties movie. "Um, Prince called, he needs his jacket back."

"Seriously? You want to do this? Just drive, dude. The sooner we get there the sooner this will all be over," Jasper pulled a cigarette from behind his ear and placed it in his mouth.

"Dude, you can't fucking smoke in my car," I said before he could light it.

Jasper looked at me appraisingly before shrugging his shoulders. "Fair enough," he said, placing it back behind his ear and pulling out a pack of gum from his pocket instead. He held a piece out to me and after some deliberation, I took the gum, unwrapped it, and started chewing. Jasper unwrapped his own piece and we silently chewed for the remainder of the short ride to Bella's house. I pulled into the driveway, noticing Carlisle's Mercedes parked on the street. Esme had wanted to be here to take pictures. They had seen Emmett off earlier, a horde of oversized seniors and their dates invading my living room for an hour while I was getting dressed. I didn't dare venture downstairs while they were at the house. I don't know why, actually, it's not like there was going to be anywhere to hide once we got to prom. I guess I thought maybe I wouldn't look so lame in the softly lit and crepe papered gymnasium.

We got out of the car, Jasper grabbing the purple jacket from the back seat and making sure we had the damn corsages, and walked into the house to find Esme, Carlisle and Charlie seated in the living room on the couch. Esme came over to hug us as Carlisle and Charlie voiced greetings. It was so cliché, the whole ordeal coming straight out of a bad eighties movie, and I wondered how much of this was coincidental and how much was on account of my ridiculously detail oriented sister.

As if to answer my questions, Esme spun around, muttering, "Oops, I'm supposed to get the girls" as she rushed up the stairs. Yep, pretty sure Alice's propensity to follow a theme had gotten out of hand. Carlisle and Charlie simply smirked.

Just then, Alice yelled down the stairs. "Jasper! Edward! You guys have to stand in the foyer! Don't bitch, just do it!" Jasper smiled at his girl and moved to follow directions while I reluctantly did the same. Esme came to stand with us, camera in hand.

Alice came down the stairs first and all I could think of was various Madonna song titles. She was wearing this fucking pink shiny strapless dress, the skirt gathered and covered in black polka dot lace. She was covered in all kinds of fucking accessories, like fifty bracelets around her wrists and black beads with a cross pendant ironically draped around her neck, big hoop earrings and black fingerless lace gloves, complete with a fucking headband in her tousled hair. But this wasn't even the worst part of it all. The worst part was that the ensemble didn't look odd on Alice one bit. I guess because she had dabbled in so many styles, this one didn't seem as out of character for her as it did for Jasper and I.

Jasper took her hand as she pranced down the stairs in her dangerously spiky high heels, a big black bow across the toe. He placed a small kiss on her gloved hand and whispered something into her ear. She turned her head to kiss his cheek and gaze into his eyes for what seemed like a fucking full minute.

Esme took a moment from snapping pictures to give Alice a hug and kiss her cheek. "You look beautiful sweetheart, just perfect," Esme gushed.

Carlisle and Charlie came to join us in the foyer and it started to get fucking claustrophobic in the small space. Thankfully, Alice called up the stairs. "Bella, your turn! And if I have to walk back up the stairs I'm making you wear the stockings."

I heard Bella voice a choice four letter word and smiled, eager to see what kind of damage my sister had done.

"Bella! Get your ass down here!" Alice yelled, causing everyone in the small entryway to flinch at her volume. I have no idea how someone so small could be so fucking loud. "Sorry, but the swearing is necessary," she claimed.

Bella finally appeared at the top of the stairs, looking nothing like what I imagined. The majority of her hair was piled on top of her head, curl upon curl elaborately styled and pinned all the way down her back, the dark chestnut ringlets startling against her creamy skin. She refused to look up, staring only at her feet as she walked down the stairs. Her dress was deep blue satin, the top pulled tight across her chest, and I swear she had on one of those boob enhancing, miracle boner giving bras, the lovely cleavage pressing out of the top of her dress, the tiny straps stretched across her bare shoulders and a single string of black pearls circling her neck. There was a black bow across her delicate waist, the full skirt covered in black gauze or tulle or whatever the hell it was called and adorned with little black bows across the bottom. The skirt came to just below her knees and her bare legs stretched into black high heeled shoes, her little toes with a splash of black polish peeking through.

And then she was standing in front of me, her eyes sparkling and oozing sexuality, various shades of gray and blue smudged across her lids, her dark lashes full and curled. She licked her lips, a dark cherry lipstick painting the fullness, and I immediately frowned at this barrier. I was going to be wiping that shit off real quick.

I just stood there, fucking speechless. All I could think of was her black nail polish and those red lips and I was fucking gone, just in my own little world where only we existed and it was okay to feel your girl up in front of the whole family. Of course I didn't fucking do it, but I wanted to, holy hell I wanted to.

"Hey," she said quietly, her breathing a bit nervous as she glanced into my eyes.

"Hey," I responded, the exchange comfortable and settling both our nerves. I leaned in to kiss her cheek. "You're amazing," I whispered into her ear before lightly pressing my lips to her soft skin.

"Thank you. So are you." She licked her lips again, a slow smile spreading across her face, and I had to look away, these fucking pants too tight in the crotch as it was.

We moved outside to the porch, the small house cramped and warm with bodies. Esme made us stand in a billion different poses while she snapped her camera as Charlie and Carlisle chatted and quipped smart-ass remarks every once in awhile. Finally, Alice took charge and began ushering us to the car. Bella disappeared inside the house for a moment, reemerging with her tote bag and a small black sweater. We said our goodbyes and climbing into the car, headed for the school.

Bella sat in the front with me while Alice and Jasper crawled into the back seat. I just couldn't stop looking at Bella, her little ankles crossed, those fucking shoes just tormenting the hell out of me, and those lips! It all suddenly made prom the best idea ever and I made a mental note to thank Alice for suggesting it.

We arrived at the school to find the gym teeming with party going patrons, a sea of fucking sequence and tuxedos. There were twinkling lights everywhere, the prom committee really trying to church up the concrete walls and linoleum flooring. It looked like a scene right out of a bad horror film and I seriously looked around expecting to find a bucket of pig's blood precariously waiting in the wings.

The gym was softly lit to create some sort of ambiance, I suppose, a DJ blaring some of the most God-awful music I'd ever heard in my life, and the spinning disco ball was seriously affecting my vision. We could see Rosalie and Emmett dancing, well, if you could call what they were doing dancing, right in the middle of a large group consisting mostly of the Forks wrestling team and their provocatively dressed dates, who were taking full advantage of the opportunity to grind against some dude's dick and not be deemed a slut.

I looked around to find that Alice and Jasper had disappeared, probably hiding out, having a smoke or some shit.

"Do you want to dance?" I asked Bella. She turned to me, shock plain on her features, her shadowed eyes wide and brimming with such a mixture of fear and disgust, I had to smile at her expression.

"Hell no, they're practically fucking out there. Why would you subject me to something like that?" Bella asked cautiously.

"Do you want to get the hell out of here?" I asked, snaking my arm around her, feeling the smooth, cool satin straining across her tiny waist.

"Please?" she pleaded, causing me to laugh out loud. I brought my lips to her temple and placed a small kiss, inhaling her floral scent. She smelled different tonight, probably some perfume Alice had recommended, but it was delicious, not too strong, just faintly delicate and sweet, and for a moment I seriously wondered if I could taste it on her as well.

"Okay, let's find Alice and Jasper." We walked outside to see them hand in hand and heading towards us, the faint smell of whiskey and cigarettes lingering in their wake.

"Hey!" Alice shouted. "Let's get the fuck out of here. This is miserable." She gasped, a sharp intake of breath. "Let's go bowling! I bet the lanes are completely available tonight. Everyone's here."

I looked at Bella and shrugged my shoulders, silently asking her opinion. "Sure! I'm up for rolling the rock. It also fits with your eighties theme," Bella answered for us, a grin spreading across her lips.

"Technically, Bella, bowling is timeless. I agree, it has a somewhat nostalgic feel, but bowling is just as popular today as it was in the sixties, seventies and eighties," Alice retorted, dead serious.

Bella snorted. "O-kay," she mocked. "Good thing we brought the pop culture aficionado."

"You're damn right it's a good thing. You guys would be clueless without me," Alice laughed. "And you'd look terrible, probably wearing bowler hats and cummerbunds."

"What part of this tuxedo isn't terrible, Alice? Tell me, please, oh knowledgeable one." I held my shirt out as evidence, teasing. "And a bowtie? Are you fucking kidding me?" I removed the tie, freeing myself from the stranglehold of bad fashion.

"I don't know, dude. James Bond wears a bowtie," Jasper mentioned, casually.

"Yes! And he could totally fuck your shit up," Alice responded, using her annoying little finger to repeatedly poke me in the chest. I had to handle this shit or we'd be here all night.

"You," I said pointing at Alice. "You watch your fucking mouth."

"You," I said, pointing to Jasper now. "You mind your fucking business."

"And you," I said, pointing to Bella. "You give me a fucking kiss." Bella grinned widely as I pulled her into an overly dramatic smooch.

I let her go, clapping my hands together. "Let's fucking go bowling!"

Alice just rolled her eyes, pissed I had gotten in the last word, and stalked over to the car. We piled into the Volvo, assuming our same seating arrangements. It was silent in the car for about five minutes when Alice said quietly, "You watch your fucking mouth."

We all just fucking busted, I mean, really laughing in great gasps and hoots. I don't know if it was because we were so tense and irritated about prom or the clothes, but whatever it was, it was fucking hilarious. We settled into an easy chatter after that, still giggling over the evening's events.

I pulled into the parking lot of the bowling alley and, sure enough, it was pretty empty. There were maybe one or two more cars, probably belonging to the poor bastards that had to work tonight. We quickly walked into the building, a low cloud cover beginning to settle on the town. I wrapped my arm around Bella, pulling her into my side, as she shivered slightly in the cool misty air.

I paid for two lanes as the woman at the counter asked for our shoe size and handed us the proper bowling footwear. After making our way to our lanes, we laced up our shoes and laughed at how well the shoes matched the rest of our attire, although I was a bit disappointed to see the departure of the sexy black heels Bella was wearing. She tossed our shoes below the seat with her tote bag and I eased my disappointment with the thought that she would have to put them back on to leave. I grabbed a couple of six pound bowling balls for Bella and Alice, who met this fact with nasty looks and eye rolls, but when they tried to throw the heavier ball, they failed miserably.

At some point during the second game, Alice started to get a little competitive and proposed a wager stating the losing team had to buy the other team ice cream sundaes from the diner. Now, I'm not saying I'm an avid bowler or that I should consider a career, I'm just really good at scientific shit, and bowling is all about physics. The angle of trajectory and speed of the ball coincides with the angle at which the pins sit in order to maximize pin ricochet and knock down the maximum number of pins. It's all fucking geometry and inertia. Needless to say, by the end of our third game I was fucking mopping the floor with their shit.

"C'mon babe, pick up that spare! It's the tenth frame, you get an extra throw if you pick it up. You can do it!" Alice was cheering on Jasper, despite the nearly impossible seven ten split he was trying to pick up. Jasper wasn't terrible, but it was obvious he'd never really bowled before, going for power every time rather than aim. By the third game, however, he had more or less caught on and Alice and Jasper's combined score was getting a little too fucking close to mine and Bella's.

"Oh, come on Alice. Don't give the guy false hope. That's the hardest split to pick up. Even professionals have a tough time with that one," I teased. Bella was standing by the ball return, waiting for her turn. Her dress swayed slightly as she rocked back and forth as she waited, holding her six pounder and looking so fucking cute, right down to the little bowling shoes on her feet.

"No mind games, ass!" Alice shouted at me. She turned her attention back to Jasper. "It's all in the wrist baby, come on!"

Jasper made his approach and smoothly tossed the ball down the lane, picking up one of the pins but leaving the other standing. Alice cheered nonetheless, whooping and hollering and jumping up to kiss him when he walked back to the semicircle of plastic chairs.

"You're right, Edward, that split's a bitch," Jasper commented.

"Yeah, you don't know how many times that bitch has screwed me over," I responded. "One eighty dude, decent score."

I got up to stand behind Bella now. She was a terrible bowler and this was bothering her slightly competitive side. She kept twisting her wrist when she released, causing a gutter ball half the time.

"Okay, so keep the wrist straight and throw it as hard as you can," I reminded her.

"Right, wrist straight, throw it hard. Got it." Bella repeated the instructions. "I'm still going to throw a gutter ball, you know that, right?"

"Positive affirmations, Bella, shit!" I laughed, kissing her lips lightly. "Just relax."

"Alright, I'm good," Bella said, moving to stand in front of the lane. She didn't approach the lane like most people did. Instead, she walked slowly to the lane, stood there a moment and then threw the ball haphazardly down the track. I tried to explain to her she should try to throw in one fluid movement, but she refused, arguing she'd probably end up falling on her ass and she'd rather suck at bowling than be sprawled across the lane.

Bella released the ball and after what seemed like fucking forever, it finally reached the end, surprisingly staying in the middle and knocking over five pins. Bella spun around, jumping up and down and shouting as we erupted into applause. It was so fucking lame and I was enjoying the hell out of it!

"Five pins! Holy shit! That's a personal best!" Bella was beaming, her lips flush and stretched across her even white teeth. I pulled her into an engulfing hug, kissing the curls piled on top of her head.

"You still have another throw and then we're heading to the diner for ice cream, on Alice and Jasper's tab," I reminded her.

She pranced back over to the ball return and quickly retrieved her ball. Again, she walked slowly and carefully to the lane and tossed her ball. The ball traveled exactly the same path as her last, right into the gaping hole where her already knocked down pins had been. Bella spun around again, shrugging her shoulders and skipping back over to us.

"At least it wasn't a gutter ball," she said, hugging me around my waist.

"Um, losers, yeah, we're ready for our sundaes," I gloated, turning around to face Alice and Jasper.

Alice stood up, moving to get her shoes. "We propose a rematch. Next weekend, same bet."

"Done." I said, putting my shoes back on and watching Bella slip her tiny feet into those fucking black heels. I reached to get Bella's tote bag, the strap getting caught on the chair and causing the contents to spill across the grimy floor.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed, bending down to pick up Bella's stuff. Bella bent down to help me, gathering up the contents and placing them back in her bag.

And that's when I saw it. A small plastic bag containing a shitload of little brown pills. Confirmation. Realization. Petrification. I didn't reach for it, frozen on the spot, but Bella did and then pulled her hand back when she realized I'd seen it.

"Edward. It's not what you think, I swear," Bella mumbled under her breath, trying to remain quiet and anonymous.

"Then what the fuck is it, Bella," I spat through my teeth. I suspected Bella had a problem with drugs, but I had been naively thinking she didn't need them anymore, that, I don't know, maybe I provided her with enough euphoria that she didn't need to get high or use drugs to feel good. I was such a fucking tool! How could I be so stupid?

I slowly stood up, leaving the rest of Bella's shit on the floor. I had to get out of here, away from them, all of them, because I could feel that rage boiling inside me, burning my ears and scalp. I wanted to fucking destroy something and I was afraid I would hurt someone in the process.

Bella stood up with me, clutching my arm. "Look at me, Edward. I'll explain, I promise. Just calm down, please?" I couldn't meet her eyes, glaring blankly at the wall instead, the neon pink and green script scrawled across the wall, the flashing pins momentarily distracting me from my mental anguish.

"Edward! Fucking look at me, damnit!" Bella was crying now, tears smearing her makeup, a black trail slipping down her cheeks.

I pushed past her, the front door my only refuge, and they all disappeared behind me. I just had to make it out that fucking door. My vision blurred around me and all I could see was that fucking glass door.

I could hear Bella behind me, grabbing at my arm, my shirt, my hand. I shrugged her off, needing to be away from her, away from the fact that I wasn't enough, away from the rage I felt corroding my insides, my gut twisting in fury and pressure building in my chest.

I walked swiftly to the Volvo, my legs carrying me on their own without much guidance, anger, fear and rage burning and swelling, pressure in my chest and head. Reaching the car, I felt the fury burst and I released my anger, driving my fist into the hood of the Volvo, denting the sheet metal and fucking leaving my hand numb and aching. But I felt the rage subside slightly, the ache in my hand drawing my attention away from the ache in my chest.

Bella was still behind me. She paused, standing away from me, fear and dread on her tear stained face. "Edward, I need to explain," she said quietly.

"There's nothing to explain, Bella." I didn't want to hear it, any of it, not now, not when I couldn't think clearly.

"Edward, I'm not on drugs. I promise you that. I got those from Jasper months ago. I've never even taken one, not one. Count them. I swear to you, I'm not taking drugs," Bella pleaded walking over to me now and leaning against the hood of the car.

"Why do you have them if you don't use them?" I asked confused. "Why would you carry them around in your bag?"

"Um… I have this thing… with food and they take away my appetite. I forgot they were in there, I swear. And I didn't tell you because I know how you worry and I was trying to take care of it myself," Bella looked down at her fingers, tears streaming down her face again, and I was now panicked that maybe Bella's problem wasn't drugs, but something far worse, something I hadn't even thought of, and that was more frightening than any of it.

I turned to face her, the sudden need to hold her, to touch her overpowering my grief. I gripped her shoulders looking into her face. "What the fuck is going on, Bella?"

"Shit!" Bella whispered, wringing her hands as tears formed beneath her lashes. "How could I fuck this up?" she asked herself as she started to sob, her body collapsing into mine as she gasped for air, and fear swelled in my chest.

"Bella? Bella, what's wrong?" Still gripping her shoulders, I shook her body slightly, trying to snap her out of her hysteria.

"Bella! Just tell me, just fucking say it!" I shouted. I couldn't stand this, seeing her like this. I realized something was tearing her apart, festering and rotting beneath the surface. If she could just get it out, just free it from the seclusion of her mind, maybe she could feel good and happy and right again.

"Edward, I'm sick," she blubbered through her sobs. "I can't eat. And when I do eat I throw up. I can't help it anymore, my body is so fucked up now, Edward, and I feel like such an idiot. Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? I mean, fuck, I've done it to myself. It's so fucking embarrassing." Words were just flooding from Bella now, explanations and rationalizations, all incoherent and jumbled with emotion, and it took me a minute to realize what she was saying.

She couldn't eat? I'd seen her eat on numerous occasions. And what did she mean, she throws up? Was this a medical condition or something? I didn't understand.

"You throw up when you eat? What do you mean? I mean, is it a disease? Is this something Carlisle can help with? We can help, Bella. It's one of the advantages of living with a doctor." I pleaded with her, searching her face for answers.

Bella took a few deep breaths, wiped the smeared streams from her cheeks and spoke in a small voice. "No, Edward. When I was fifteen I started making myself throw up after eating. I can't really explain it, but I just felt so awful when I was full, just stuffed and horribly uncomfortable. So I would purge to feel the emptiness again. I was comfortable with the emptiness. And then I got tired of the constant purging, so I just stopped eating altogether. It was just easier that way. I mean, I would eat if I got too faint or weak, but only minimally." Bella paused as I absorbed this information. I dropped my grip on Bella's shoulders, taking a step back as realization started to sink in.

Bella had an eating disorder. She was forcing herself to throw up, on purpose. She was depriving herself of food, on purpose. She was starving herself, and for what reason? Self deprecation? To feel empty?

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" I asked furiously, pinching my nose and trying to control my anger. I craved the information now. How could she not share this shit with me? I mean, I had told her everything, every fucking bullshit thing my father had done to us, every humiliating fear and pain, even the fact that I dreaded the disease. She knew it all. And here I was, the fucking idiot, foolishly ignorant of my girlfriend's eating habits, eating disorder, ignorant of the pain she must have been suffering in for so long. It wasn't fair, that she should know so much and me so little.

"I wanted to be whole for you, enough. I didn't want you to worry about this. So I was trying to get better on my own. And I am getting better! Edward, you have to realize what you've done for me, how things have changed because of you." Bella pleaded with me, gripping the front of my shirt, her eyes full and dark.

"Bullshit, Bella! Look at you! You're starving yourself and you want me to just let you fix shit on your own, 'Get better for me'? That's a fucking copout." I pulled away from her grasp, knocking her hand out of the way.

"Edward, you have to believe me! I never wanted you to see me like this, weak, a fucking basket case. I hate myself for what I do, what I've done." She grabbed a hold of my sleeve, pulling and twisting it into her fingers, desperately clinging to my arm. I was torn, I wanted to believe her, wanted to accept her excuse, but I feared what the acceptance would bring. More secrets for my own good, so I wouldn't snap, wouldn't overreact? It was so fucking patronizing, the fact that Bella couldn't trust me because she didn't want to hurt me, like I was a fucking child, shielded and guarded from feeling.

My eyes moved from her little hand gripping my sleeve to the thin strained wrist wrapped in cream roses and blue lavender, the elastic on her corsage loose and I followed the length of her spindly arm to her shoulders covered by her black sweater. I slowly removed the black sweater from her shoulders, noticing how I could see the outline of every goddamn bone in her body. How had I not noticed this? I traced the length of her collarbone to her knobby shoulders with my fingers, only lightly touching her fragile frame, my hand resting on the top of her arm. How could she not eat? I was confused by this…this food aversion. Food was such a huge part of my life, I couldn't really understand how someone could purposely withhold from basic nourishment. I mean, eating was like sleeping or breathing. It was necessary to survive.

"Edward…" she whispered, bringing her mouth close to mine.

"Why can't you eat?" I asked quietly, rubbing the top of her arm, her smooth skin tender beneath my fingers.

"I don't know. It all started as something else and now I just can't do it. I don't even get hungry anymore," she responded, her eyes on the ground now.

"So all those time you ate my food, did you throw it up?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer but asked anyway, because I couldn't stop myself. I had to know.

Bella hesitated, which is never a good sign, her eyes everywhere but where they should be.

"Fuck, Bella. How many times?" I asked, obsessed with the number and wanting to know every gory fucking detail. I wanted to know how many times, where she did it at, when she did it, anything she could give me I would take.

"You want a fucking number? I don't know, fuck!" Bella paused and I waited, insistent that she answer me. "A lot, okay? I fucking did it a lot, more in the beginning." I started to pull away, disgusted in myself, disgusted with the fact I hadn't noticed this. Bella gripped my arm again, pulling me towards her and wrapping her arms around my waist. "But I don't do it that much anymore. I feel…guilty. I can't explain it, Edward, you just have to trust me."

"Trust you?" I whispered. "Bella, of course I trust you. It's you who can't seem to trust me." Disgust churned in my gut as I uttered the last word because this was my fault. I couldn't even fully trust myself, how the fuck could I expect her to?

"How can we fix this?" I asked, frantic now, pulling her to me and tightening my embrace. "Just tell me what I can do. What can I do to fix this?"

Bella's expression darkened. "I don't want you to fix me Edward! That's not your fucking job. I'm not some head case, weak and broken for you to fix! Fuck! This is exactly why I didn't tell you in the first place, because there's nothing you can do and you'll just end up feeling helpless and sad that you can't fix me." She was pissed now, pulling at her hair and pacing in front of me.

"And why do I need to be fixed? I'm not good enough the way that I am? What, you don't want me if I'm broken? What if I never get better? Huh? What if I decided I like myself like this and I don't want to be better? What would you fucking do then, Edward?" Bella was shouting now, pushing me with each question, her fists punching into my chest and her words dicing through my soul and turning my stomach. What if she didn't change? Would I be able to stand by and watch her destroy herself?

I just didn't know what to think, what to do. It was all so fucking confusing and terrifying. I detested that Bella hadn't shared this with me, but this pain was overridden by the panic for her well-being and fear of the destruction of the normalcy that was us. I hungered for that normalcy, that connection that proved we were okay, that our love was okay. I needed her closer, I needed to touch her, physically feel her love wrapped around every part of me. I needed it now.

I grabbed her wrist and she tried to pull it away, glaring into my eyes, her passion needing an outlet. I held her wrist as she tried again to yank it away and pulled her back into me, grabbing her neck with my other hand and shoving my mouth on hers. I kissed her furiously, pouring all my fears and anger into this kiss, and she kissed me back, her tongue forcing its way into my mouth as her free hand grabbed my hair and yanked hard, the pain gratifying and easing some of that fear.

Releasing her wrist, I grabbed her ass instead, lifting her onto the hood of the car, damp from the fog that had now descended on the town, and pushed her skirt up her bare thighs. I kissed her lips again, intensely and savagely, the swirling of our tongues frantic. She sunk her teeth into my bottom lip, sucking and biting forcefully as I slid my fingers under her lacy panties and into her slick pussy, furiously pumping into her as she groaned into my mouth. Releasing her lips, I moved to lick her cleavage, yanking the blue satin down to expose her breast and causing the already straining thin strap across her shoulder to snap. Bella gasped, pulling my mouth to lick her nipple, and I rolled my tongue around the pink flesh, pulling it into my mouth and nipping with my teeth. I wanted to fuck her, hysterically and fast and messy, I wanted to shove my dick into her slick and saturated pussy over and over again until all she could feel was pleasure and happiness and bliss.

"Edward, fuck me. Please, I need you. I need you to fuck me." Bella wanted it too, the longing in her voice evident and out of control, she was asking for it.

She unbuttoned my pants, a blur of hands and zippers, and grabbed my hard cock, pulsing in her tiny hand, and tugged in frenzied pulls. I grabbed her waist, aching to be inside her, to feel her wrapped around me, the friction throbbing in my mind and fueling my hands to grip the satin stretched across her body. I heard the ripping of fabric, a long tearing of satin, and Bella and I froze. What the fuck had I done?

I investigated the area where my hand had clutched and saw nothing but Bella's milky white skin, a gaping rip running the length of the side of her dress. I fingered the delicate fabric, so frail and soft and beautiful and I had fucking ruined it. I had destroyed it, crushing and ripping it with my own hands.

"It's okay. Alice can fix it," Bella voiced quietly, bringing her mouth to my ear, her hands still massaging my dick, slowly now, and I could hardly handle the feeling of her hands on me like that, not after what I had almost done.

I kissed her neck, slow and unsure, clutching at the exposed skin under the frays of shredded material, the rippling of her rib cage prominent beneath my fingers.

"Please, Edward, don't stop," Bella murmured quietly, sensing my hesitation. "Don't stop loving me, please. I need you. I can't live without you."

I paused, my lips faltering. How could she think that I would stop loving her, that I even had a fucking choice in the matter? I had made my decision long ago that I would be with Bella for as long as I could. None of that had changed with Bella's admission. I would take whatever abuse she had to give, whether it was directed at me or herself. I would absorb it, welcome it even if it destroyed me.

But I refused to destroy her. I had almost done it. God, I had fucking wanted to do it, defile my girl, so lovely and soft. She didn't deserve this. She deserved better than to get fucked in the parking lot of a bowling alley on the hood of a fucking Volvo. What kind of monster does that? What kind of fucking monster am I?

"Edward, it's okay." She kissed my neck, spreading slow sucking kisses along my jaw.

"No. It's not okay, Bella." I pulled away from her. "What am I doing? I could have hurt you, I mean, I ripped your fucking dress. What kind of person does that?" I choked the words out, disgusted with myself, the loathing taking over now. Bella withdrew her hands, pulling up her top and gripping the front of my shirt.

"Edward, you listen to me. Look at my face and you fucking listen to me. You're not going to hurt me. I don't even think that you could. You love me. And I love you. Nothing you could ever do is going to change that. We belong together. We're made for each other." She kissed my tearful eyes, bringing her hands to the sides of my face.

"I mean, come on, what are the chances a chef would unknowingly fall in love with a bulimic?" Bulimic. There's even a word for it. It's real, and my beautiful girl was suffering. She smiled at her own joke that wasn't even remotely funny but reminded me that maybe we could both offer each other something that we had been previously lacking, just like she did for me, I could do it for her too.

And then it was clear in Bella's words, the magnitude of what she was doing to herself. If Bella didn't eat, she wouldn't  live. A new emotion swept through me - empathy. I knew how Bella felt. I've known that feeling of wanting to destroy yourself, to give in to every self hatred and just wallow in disgust. I knew what it was like to be ashamed of what you were thinking and feeling, afraid of what every thought might bring with it and who it might destroy in the process. Bella and I truly were cut from the same cloth. And I had to help her, fix her, make her whole again so she could survive, so she wanted to survive.

Maybe Bella didn't want to accept my help with this, but she didn't want to continue doing it either. She had already said she was trying to solve the problem on her own, that I had helped without even knowing it. I couldn't let Bella destroy herself anymore, I couldn't stand by and watch her abuse her body, starving and wasting away. I wouldn't let it happen because I couldn't live in a world without Bella. I had tried - for seventeen years I'd been living in this world without knowing the warmth, the selfless care and love that Bella offered me. And now that I knew that kind of connection existed and that it existed for me, that Bella and I existed for each other, there was not a shot in hell I'd let that go without a fight, and I can handle myself in a fight. This eating disorder didn't have a fucking chance.

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A/N

And now he knows…

Song quote is from The Beatles song "In My Life" and title is Joni, of course, from the song "Lesson in Survival"

I love all things 80's and Pretty in Pink is one of my all time favorite movies but I really do hate Andie's prom dress. I love Duckie though, I always wanted a Duckie.

I'm so anxious to hear your thoughts! Tell me, tell me!