Chapter Thirty-Four - I Would Be His Lady All My Life
Darlings,
I appreciate you all. My cup runneth over.
n7of9 is my beta...mine, mine, mine!
Disclaimer: It's NOT mine...le sigh
...
BPOV
I sat nervously on the porch bench, waiting for Alice to voice her judgment, wondering if I had pleaded my case to the very best of my ability. As much as I wanted to see Edward, I also wanted this chance to explain to my best friend the journey I had made over the last five months.
She had been very quiet throughout the retelling of my months in Jacksonville. She cried when I told her about the painting room and how I had resigned myself to wasting away there. She gasped when I told her about my argument with my mom, her jaw dropping and then pulling into a sly grin as she relished in Renee's fall from her self-assigned pedestal. She was silent when I told her about how I had read her emails, and I knew she was pissed I hadn't responded. And when I mentioned the emails to Edward, she listened astutely, but still she hadn't said a word.
"Please, say something? I understand if you're set to tell me to fuck off. I get it. But know this, I'm not going to give up. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kinda stubborn." Alice's lips pulled into a slow grin. She still wouldn't look at me, but I could see her definitely fighting a smile. It was all the encouragement I needed.
"Bella, it's been insane here. I'm completely wrecked. I just don't know if I could ever handle something like this again. If you ever pull a stunt like this again, I might hunt you down and tear you limb from limb," Alice said as her eyes finally met mine, and I nodded. This was going to take time and I knew that I could apologize and explain for an eternity, but unless I showed her my sincerity, my promises didn't mean shit.
"Thank you, Alice. For letting me explain." I swallowed, apprehensive, because what I was going to ask for next might push the boundaries of our delicate reconciliation. "Do you have a passport?" I asked her, and her jade eyes narrowed as she glared into mine.
"Bella, just leave him be. I know what you're thinking and it can wait. Let him have his peace there. He's doing really well, got an apartment-"
"So you know where he is?" I asked eagerly.
"Of course, but you're not going to Italy, that's insane!" Alice shook her head, the idea unfathomable to her.
"Alice, do I have a chance? If I go there, will he at least listen?" It didn't really matter, I was going anyway, whatever her answer might be.
"Bella..." She trailed off and I assumed the worst, that he hated me, that it was all over, that I had missed my opportunity, and I would accept it because this was the natural consequence of my actions. But it didn't mean I couldn't still try.
"It doesn't matter, I have to try. I'm going to Italy. I'd like you to go too but if you say no, it's not going to stop me," I said calmly as I stood to gather my things. I had every intention of leaving this very moment, no matter what her response.
"God damnit, Bella. Fuck!" Alice stood, running her hands through her hair as she paced on the porch. "Alright! Fuck, I'm in. I'm in, but I swear to God, Bella, if you hurt him again..."
"Yeah, I know, death by dismemberment," I muttered.
Alice told me that Rosalie had taken the baby to Esme and Carlisle's because Emmett and Jasper were upstairs painting my old room. It was to be the nursery for baby Charlie, and the information startled me at first. It was strange to see my old room empty and painted over. It looked so promising and fresh, a drastic change to the used-up space it had been when I had lived there.
Emmett was far easier to sway than Alice. He hugged me instantly and there were no jokes or sarcasm, just sincerity in his earnest tone. Jasper was more standoffish, giving me a slight wave before Alice told them of our plan. Well, my plan. I wasn't really sure what Alice's plan was yet, if she was coming with me for moral support or if she just wanted to make sure I didn't hurt her brother again. At any rate, Jasper tried to talk her out of it but she charmed him, like usual, explaining the situation to him in the other room while I sat on the floor as Emmett painted. I spoke with him about the course I had taken and he seemed genuinely interested, comparing it to his own requirements for Sports Medicine and surprisingly finding a couple of similarities.
Alice returned all ready to go, leaving behind a solemn-looking Jasper.
I drove my truck to the Cullen's slowly, surprised as shit it still ran after sitting in the driveway for five months. I was dreading the interaction with Rosalie. Fuck, I knew what she was going to say and it was not going to be welcoming. I actually contemplated sitting in the car while Alice ran in to get her things. Being a chicken shit would be far worse, though, so I swallowed my pride and walked into the big white house.
Alice went straight up the stairs, leaving me to fend for myself as I ventured into the kitchen and family room. At first glance the house seemed exactly the same, warm and open, and the memories of my time spent here fluttered through my mind. I stopped in the kitchen and imagined Edward at the stove with his black apron wrapped around his torso, and a lump formed in my throat as I fought back tears. I was so fucking scared at what I was about to do, the thought of travelling half way across the world to possibly be rejected made my stomach churn. I had yet to eat breakfast and now the grumble in my stomach was sour. But I could do this, I had to. Positives, remember? I could do this. And if he rejects me then I can at least try to be his friend. Yes, I'd rather have that than nothing at all.
I heard a babble from upstairs, a chiming youthful voice. Charlie. The sound propelled me up the steps as I found myself needing to see the baby. I followed his voice into Alice's old room and found Esme and Rosalie sitting on the floor with their backs to the door, engrossed in conversation. On the floor in front of them was a chubby little boy practicing his army crawl and straining to reach a brightly colored gadget. I watched them silently, an outsider looking in, for a full thirty seconds before Charlie looked up and squealed, his huge, toothless, dimpled grin directed at me. Rosalie turned, her soft face soft quickly transforming into shock and then stone. Yeah, this was going to be ugly.
Esme was on her feet in an instant, her eyes filled with tears, wrapping her arms around me as I sank into her body, just absorbing the human contact. I cried into her soft blouse, inhaling her clean smells and quietly grateful for her compassion. She pulled away, her damp eyes surveying my face. I didn't know what she was looking for, inspecting for signs of trauma or something, but whatever she found, she accepted.
"Welcome home," she said in a quiet voice while running her hand through my hair and finally resting her palm on my face. I felt my heart swell at her words. This really was the only home I'd ever known, with this family. It was the only place I had felt I belonged. It was comforting to know I still had a place here, with Esme at least.
Rosalie had turned her attention back to her son. She was ignoring me, the very worst of slights. I hated her indifference more than I hated her snide comments. I'd take a good lashing any day, but the silence, the silence belittles my very existence, like I'm not even worth enough to argue with. I was going to have to make the first move. I crossed the room and sat with her on the floor, giving my attention to Charlie first. I wanted to hold him, hug his little body close to me, but I was afraid Rosalie might rip my arms off if I tried, so I talked to him instead.
"Hi there, sweet boy," I cooed. Yeah, I fucking cooed. I didn't even know I could make that sound. In return he blew spit bubbles, the drool dripping from his chin onto the blanket he was playing on.
Rosalie wiped his mouth expertly with his bib, still refusing to make eye contact with me. I reached out to touch his chubby hand and his little fingers encircled mine, and I was amazed at how soft his skin was and the strength in his grip.
"Well, at least you didn't kill yourself," Rosalie muttered after a few minutes of babbling and screeching. I picked up the rattle and played with the striped and spotted toy, running my fingers over the various textures, bumps and ripples in the plastic. I didn't know how to respond to this. I had a lot to say, a ton of excuses and reasons, but I could tell she didn't really want to hear them.
"Are you better now?" she asked, her eyes finally meeting mine. I was right, she didn't want the excuses, she just wanted the outcome.
"I'm working on it," I said, knowing I would never fully be better, knowing I would always be working on it, but knowing that I was worth the struggle.
"Good," she said, pulling Charlie into her lap and kissing the top of his head.
"I'm going to make a pot of coffee, does anyone want a cup?" Esme asked.
"God yes," Rosalie said, lifting Charlie as she stood.
"We can't," Alice said, appearing in the doorway with a huge duffle bag thrown over her shoulder. "We're going to Italy."
"What?" Esme exclaimed, her face clouded with confusion as her eyes flitted from Alice's to mine. Rosalie remained silent. If she was shocked she surely refused to show it.
"I have to try," I said quietly.
"And you're going too? What about school?" Esme asked Alice. Why did everyone think this was a bad idea? First Alice, now Esme, and Rosalie's silence surely wasn't a showing of support. My resolve was beginning to waiver. I had to get out of here before I changed my mind.
"We'll be back in a couple of days," I said anxiously, standing up and heading out into the hall.
"And I can miss a few days of school. It's complete bullshit and I don't even need to be there this semester in the first place," Alice said as she readjusted her bag. She kissed Esme's cheek. "Tell Carlisle I said bye."
"Me too," I said, throwing my arms around Esme and giving her a tight hug, which she returned lazily. I think she was still pondering our leaving and trying to figure out a way to make us stay.
Alice hugged Rose and kissed Charlie on the cheek before heading down the stairs. I didn't know what to do, so I just gave a quick wave and a muttered goodbye before following after her, hearing a sigh and a cheerful squeal behind me.
Amazingly enough, we made it to the airport and purchased our tickets to Rome, with a connection in New York, of all places, and were settled into our seats all before noon. Again, cash works wonders.
Alice was now snoring beside me with her head leaning against my shoulder, and I yawned to make my ears pop. It felt like I'd been on planes for a week and I tried to remember what day it was. I left Jacksonville on a Saturday, the only flight out to Seattle was at ten thirty at night and had two connections so I had spent the night on the plane, landing in Forks early Sunday morning. I didn't want to show up unannounced at six in the morning so I found a drug store and bought a few things that I had neglected to grab on my way out of the apartment in Jacksonville. I tried to laugh over the fact that the first thing I did upon returning to Forks was buy a disposable razor to shave my legs, but I was too nervous. I dicked around in that store for two hours until I couldn't wait any longer and then I was on the porch with Alice, pouring out my soul and hoping like hell it would be enough.
It was now well after midnight and we had about three hours left until we landed. It would be three in the morning Forks time, but nearly lunchtime in Rome. All I could think of was Edward, anticipating every response he could give me, and I eventually just plugged in my headphones to shut out all my thoughts, the possibilities giving me a fucking migraine and making me sick to my stomach.
I tried to rest. I tried to let the gentle strum of the guitar and chime of Joni's melodic voice lull me to sleep, but every time I would get close I'd see him, happy, hovering over a range or whisking carefully chosen ingredients in a bowl, his face calm and serene, and I wondered what repercussions my showing up there would cause. "Hope it's better when we meet again, baby…"
Positives, Bella. Think positive. Okay, what's the worst that could happen? He could tell me to go fuck myself. And I'd be heartbroken.
But he'd never say that. He might politely tell me I've missed my chance, that he's moved on and he was focusing on his career now and didn't have time for a relationship.
I'd rather he just told me to fuck off.
But there was a chance, a minute chance that he might pull me into his arms and breathe into my neck. He might run his hands through my hair and down my spine, and he might kiss me, pressing his sweet lips delicately onto the tip of my nose. He might whisper adornments with displays of affection, his plush voice swaying in my head. And I might be able to prove to him that I love him. This is what kept me from hyperventilating. To be realigned with my elemental match was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.
I just couldn't seem to ease my nerves, though, and my hands still shook with trepidation and my legs bounced off the uncomfortable chair that also served as a flotation device. I was in the middle of making an argument for repealing the law that banned smoking upon aircraft when Alice stretched her arms over her head beside me.
She looked around, her green eyes glazed over as she wiped at the corners with her fingertips, careful not to disturb the perfectly smudged black liner along her lash line. She sat up and gave me a small smile.
"Hey," she croaked, and I grinned back. I have always envied people who could sleep anywhere. This plane was full of sleepers, soft rhythmic breathing and heavy snores, the cabin eerily dark and quiet.
"Hey," I whispered, removing my earbuds and stowing my mp3 player in my tote.
"Did they bring drinks again?" Alice asked, looking down the aisle to inspect.
"Not yet, but they should soon. We only have about two hours until we land," I choked out. Two hours. Shit! My legs began to tremble again and I pulled my knees into my chest in order to stop the shaking. I ended up just rocking in my seat.
"Alice, what happened, while I was in Florida?" I asked her quietly. She sighed and gave me a gentle reproachful glance, and I wasn't sure if she was unwilling to disclose for my sake or for hers. But I wanted to know. I wanted every detail. I needed to know what I was up against.
"Alice, please?" I pleaded.
"It's been a rough couple of months," she began.
So she told me everything. I cried, repeatedly. On more than one occasion I almost asked her to stop because I couldn't stand to hear it anymore, how he'd sat on the couch for three days, alone, and how he'd stolen her pot. When she told me Jasper found him with a slit in his wrist, I saw stars. I literally thought I was going to pass out. I was mortified as she told me these things, like watching a train wreck in slow motion, the smoking, the drinking, the accident. He'd been in prison, in fucking prison because of those fucking checks I sent. I had no idea it would cause that reaction in him. I had sent that stuff when I was in a very dark place, a hopeless vacuum of guilt and self disgust, but I hadn't expected for him to detect it. It seemed that even being a continent apart from one another, our connection still feathered our impulses.
"I mean, he wasn't even cooking anymore and then, all of a sudden, he was going to Italy. I tried to make him stay, even asking him to move to Seattle with me and Jasper, but he refused. He said he had to move forward," Alice said, her voice wavering in the recounting of the events that had transpired in my absence. God, it must have been excruciating for her to watch him fall apart like that, knowing there wasn't anything that could be done. It's such a helpless feeling, and I know I hadn't done anything to ease her distress.
"I'm so sorry, Alice," I said as I linked my arm through hers. She accepted the contact now, leaning her head on my shoulder and wiping at her face. I don't know why she decided to accept me now; maybe she accepted my revelations, maybe she just figured there wasn't any place to go now that I had her cornered on an airplane, but in either case, I hadn't previously apologized for what I had done. And while I didn't regret leaving because I was now a somewhat healthier human being because of it, I was sorry for the way I had done it, skipping town in the middle of the night, and I was sorry my friend had been in pain.
Eventually, the flight attendant took our drink orders and brought around a small continental breakfast. I ordered coffee because I had a feeling I was going to need the caffeine. I took my meds and ate my banana and croissant, but that was all I could stomach because of my nerves. I sipped my small sweetened coffee, the hot liquid warming me up slightly.
Alice silently watched me eat, and I was determined not to let it bother me. I had been doing this all on my own, alone, and I wasn't sure how eating with others was going to work out. It wasn't that I didn't want them to see me eat, it's just that my eating disorder had become my identity in Forks. All of them expected a certain type of behavior from me, and this just furthered my determination to not be controlled by this disorder any longer. It's ironic, the whole reason I had stopped eating to begin with was because I wanted control. I wanted to control the pain of an indifferent father and a self-absorbed mother, and in the end the disease ended up controlling me.
No. This disease would not control me any longer.
...
I startled as the plane began to dip, the change in altitude rousing me seconds before the pilot's voice crackled over the intercom announcing we were beginning our final descent. I quickly opened the shade and let the light stream through the pane.
I glanced out the window as Alice looked over my shoulder. We were still flying over water, the wide span of blue beneath us, but I felt my stomach begin to flutter in anticipation. My leg started to twitch and my hands shook as I opened and closed them to abate the trembling.
Alice grabbed my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. I turned to face her green, reassuring eyes, and I smiled, thankful she was here with me. I honestly didn't know how I would be fairing if I had come alone. I had been alone for the last five months and it was nice to have some company. We watched as the coast came into view, the water fading from deep blue to turquoise as we flew along the ports and piers doting the shoreline. Small multicolored square buildings fanned out for miles in a sea of gray and green and terracotta reds. My ears popped again and I leaned my head against the headrest and closed my eyes, Alice's hand still gripping mine.
"Do you want to go to the hotel first or straight to his apartment? I'm not sure if he'll be home, but we can wait it out. Or do you want to try to call first?" Alice asked, and once again I was grateful she was here to think logically when I could not. I hadn't thought past getting off the plane let alone considered transportation or lodging. All I could think of was getting to Edward.
"Straight to his apartment. We'll wait if he's not there," I said confidently, and Alice nodded.
Soon the wheels were skidding across the runway and we had grabbed our bags, thankful not to have checked any luggage. We walked quickly through the airport, unsure of where to go but following the herd of travelers we had arrived with. Alice grabbed my arm and pulled me into a store to buy a travel book and map and to exchange our currency. She asked the women at the cash register where we could catch a cab and thankfully, the cashier spoke English. She directed us to a train that would take us right into Rome and we followed the signs and purchased our tickets.
A thirty minute ride later, we stepped off the train and out onto the streets of Rome, the pavement packed with cars and buses and scooters, the area a bustle of activity. Alice looked at the map she had bought from the convenience store. She located the street where Edward's apartment was and also a hotel nearby. It was only about a two mile walk from where we were now but we decided to get a cab, not wanting to risk getting lost. I just wanted to see Edward and I didn't want to waste my time stumbling around the cobbled streets of Rome with my bags.
My hands were trembling as we rode to his apartment. Fuck, this was it, this was the moment of truth, my entire life to be determined in the next couple of hours. My heart was racing in my throat and I had to focus on taking deep breaths. I was going to pass out, I could feel it, my head starting to get fuzzy.
"Alice, I feel sick. I think I'm hyperventilating or something," I said quietly to her, and she rolled down her window, allowing the cool air to blow my hair back from my face.
"Bella, snap out of it. You're fine. You're going to be fine, okay? It's just Edward," she said. "He'll listen to you."
We pulled into a circular road, the cobbled streets thick with small cars and fucking scooters everywhere, the daring riders weaving in and out of traffic and filling every vacant space on the street. I clutched Alice's arm. We were in a large cul-de-sac in the middle of which stood a beautiful stone fountain. The roundabout was crowded with people and tourists, and bicyclists dodged the drivers as they made their way through the piazza. I was staring out the window trying to assess my surroundings when I saw a flash of bronze hair in front of a stone building. I thought I was imagining it, my eyes playing tricks on me, but then Alice gasped.
"Bella! I think…I think that's Edward! I think that's his apartment!" she exclaimed as she tapped the driver on the shoulder. "Stop! We'll get out here."
The driver mumbled something back in Italian and shook his head as I looked more closely in the direction of the initial glimpse, but the crowd was too thick. I was unable to see the building and I feared we had been mistaken, my heart doing back flips in my chest.
The crowd shifted suddenly and then I saw him. He was fumbling with the door, a brown leather jacket on his shoulders, his tall frame towering above the people around him, his tangle of browns and reds catching the sun, and like a fucking lighthouse his entire being beckoned me to safe harbor. It was so undeniably Edward, his strong jaw determined as he fiddled with the door, and at first I felt relief in knowing we had found him, but then the longing set in and my body craved to be near his, magnetism pulling me towards him, and it took all my restraint to remain in the car.
And then he was leaving, trotting through the piazza and almost barely visible now, and I felt the panic collect in my throat as I tried to yell out.
"Stop! Let me out!" I screamed out, and driver slammed on the brakes at my screech. I fumbled with the door handle, practically falling out of the cab as I grabbed my tote.
"I'll meet you at the hotel," Alice said frantically. "Go! Hurry!"
"Thanks Alice," I managed to mumble before slamming the taxi's door closed.
I saw her mouth 'good luck', and with that in mind I ran in the direction I had seen him take off. I fought my way through the crowd, the stones beneath my feet forcing me to pay attention to my footing as snippets of conversation swarmed around me, the fluid language unintelligible to my ears, and I realized I couldn't even ask for help, my knowledge of the Italian language ridiculously limited to Dean Martin lyrics and I seriously doubted "that's amore" was going to help me now. I searched for the brown leather jacket and the reddish hair above the crowd, and on a few occasions I caught a glimpse of copper and with renewed encouragement would immediately shift in that direction.
Eventually the crowd thinned and I found myself in a long, wide alleyway surrounded by canvas tented booths, each of them offering the most beautiful fresh produce I had ever seen. For a moment, I forgot my mission and reveled in the rainbow of colors decorating the tables: red bell peppers, green lettuce and herbs, white onions, deep purple eggplant, and orange and yellow squash. There were baskets of luscious strawberries and glistening blueberries and fresh peaches so fragrant I could smell them from where I stood. There were tables of fresh bread and pasta, bunches of brightly-colored flowers kept in large white buckets, flavored coffee and sugar and honey and freshly ground flour, and cured meat, salami and hard cheese. Large dried red peppers and netted bags of garlic hung in bunches from the beams of the multicolored tents, just booth after booth of the most natural and organic ingredients, and suddenly I knew I was in the right place. He was here, somewhere. I was sure of it.
I walked slowly past the booths, my senses on overload as I tried to take in all the aromas, all the while searching for Edward. He must be so happy here, this place exuding his whole philosophy on cooking, the very epitome of what he thought food should be, and I imagined him inspecting the fruit, looking for blemishes or smelling the tomatoes and basil. This is where he should be, here, surrounded by the things that he appreciates so much.
I had no idea where I was, I had no idea how to get back to his apartment or the hotel. I was completely lost and I was starting to wonder if karma was trying to tell me something, telling me to get a fucking clue and give up. I stopped in front of a booth filled with fruit, bushels of apples and peaches, with the red and blue and pink berries smelling divine as beads of water shimmered on the plump fruit under the late afternoon sun.
Maybe this was what Alice meant when she had told me to leave him be, that he was in his element here, happy and successful. And here I was trying to jumble things up again. No wonder everyone thought I was insane in coming here, and now that I had no idea where I was and looking for my lost love in a foreign country, I was starting to fucking get it. Maybe I shouldn't have come here, maybe I should have let him have this peace and just waited until he came home to Forks. Then again, there wasn't any guarantee he would come home, I reminded myself, the conflict bubbling within me.
I stood at the booth, the strawberries reminiscent of our first meeting when I had tripped like an idiot and knocked him into a display, and I swear I could feel his presence, the memory becoming so real as customers made their purchases around me, the vendor preoccupied with the transactions taking place. I felt my hair tingle and a current over my skin caused goosebumps to spread out over my arms and legs before an easy nudge pushed me from behind.
"Permesso," I heard a smooth, familiar voice mumble behind me, warm and velvety, the word like liquid oozing from his lips.
Startled, I spun around to find Edward trying to make his way to the table, eyeing a bushel of berries that had caught his attention. He hadn't recognized me, wouldn't be expecting to see me here and my shorter hair uncharacteristic from behind, and I suddenly wished I had taken a moment to freshen up my face before racing off to declare my undying devotion for the man before me.
I stared at him. His green eyes looked worn yet content, his lips were pursed in contemplation, and his brow slightly darkened his features as he inspected the baskets of strawberries. He was wearing the brown leather jacket over a simple blue t-shirt and jeans, his arms hung with canvas bags. I didn't know what to say, what to do, so I just stood there staring at him as customers pushed around me. I couldn't understand them but I was pretty sure they were telling me to get the fuck out of the way, but I couldn't move.
The ruckus going on around me was enough to warrant a glance in my direction and when his green eyes finally met my brown, I panicked, my heart beating in my throat as realization made its way across his face.
"Bella?" he gasped.
I tried to find my voice and was unable to dislodge the huge lump in my throat now prohibiting normal breathing, but my heart sank at what he said next.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
…
A/N:
Just one more cliffie...for old times sake
Joni Songs...
Willy
The Flight Tonight
Cam's judging! Details 
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