A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Twelve - Feeling Proud to Say I Love You Right Out Loud

Darlings,

Two POV's for you this chapter!

Dear, dear readers, Bella applauds all your patience and understanding! She's kind of got a lot of shit to deal with right now, the most important being her relationship with her father, even though we all want it to be the one with that boy! And what a boy he is at that!

Some dearys are fans and spreading the love! mamma4ever aka I_LOVE_WA and miztrezboo you ladies are gems! Thank you for your love!

Oh, my dear beta, n7of9, read that email I sent this morning again...okay, that, plus a big fat thank you for the ending resuscitation. Thank you for putting your mouth on it and blowing...Oh and cookies, I'm sending you lots and lots of cookies!

*PSA*

If anyone would like to learn more about Schizophrenia or Eating Disorders, please check out the links on my profile! These are serious psychological diseases and deserve our attention!

Okay enough with the chatty...

Disclaimer: It's not mine...

BPOV

"Hmm… I think it's better next to the window." Edward gave me a look that I recognized immediately as you've got to be fucking kidding me, having seen it for maybe the tenth time today. We had been moving furniture since this morning, rearranging the living room to have a better flow of energy and balance, removing the clutter and opening those energy blockages that stifle healing. Yeah, Alice got me a fucking book on feng shui and I was using the hell out of that thing. Since coming to the realization two weeks ago that this excursion to Forks was a bit of a Karma reward, I'd been a believer in all alternative methods of thinking. I'd take it, if it meant I got to have a father again and I got to be with Edward, I'd take it all. Tarot, Zodiac, Zen - bring it on.

It was now the middle of April and all of Forks was on vacation for Spring Break. In Phoenix, Spring Break was a week of lewd and vulgar behavior, everyone running around half naked, spending their week at the river on speedboats and wave runners. Something told me Forks was going to be different. It might have been the fact that it was still cool and misty and lack of clothing was not a viable option. I had been in Forks for nearly two months now and every day looked exactly the same as the day before it, overcast, gray and cold, the cloud cover resting on the horizon each morning. I missed the radiance of the sun, the rays penetrating my skin with electromagnetic energy and basking my soul in luminous efficacy. I wasn't particularly fond of the cold but I had enough here to keep me distracted, plus the cold had made my hickey-hiding scarf plausible. I had to wear a scarf for a week straight until that lovely bruise had faded.

It seemed Edward's perception had changed since revealing to me the details of his parents' deaths. He seemed a bit more at ease, like his revelation freed him from the confines of his own head. It was such a tragic story, survival of an unaffected mind inconceivable, and I mourned that loss of innocence not only for Edward, but Alice as well. She was just so tranquil and calm, the thought of her trying to fight off an attack or something was horrifying. It made the shit that I had gone through as a kid seem ridiculous and insignificant in comparison. I mean, sure, Renee was an idiot and Charlie had acted like an ass, but my wellbeing had never been in danger and the risk had never been physical harm. I never had to hide under my bed or in the bathroom because I was afraid of getting hurt in my own home by one of my parents. That had to have been petrifying, especially for a young child. I couldn't imagine my own father, someone I was supposed to be able to trust to keep me safe, becoming the ultimate aggressor. It had to have left an indelible mark upon both their psyches.

Knowing this information only furthered my resolve to wallow in anonymity, the basis for my purging deemed completely humiliating after Edward's admission. I mean, this shit was embarrassing as it was. I knew people wouldn't understand my situation, the media's portrayal of eating disorders a joke, something that only self-centered, vain rich bitches suffered from. My own mother thought it was because I wanted to be skinny. I could fucking care less about the size of my ass, the added weight would only improve my appearance. My body literally didn't know how to function anymore. I don't know how many times these past weeks I had just fucking prayed for the nausea to abate, for my body to accept the nourishment and be filled without a fight. "I want to be strong, I want to laugh along, I want to belong to the living."

Edward didn't need this shit, he was engulfed in turmoil much greater than mine. If I put my burden on him also, how could he focus on his own healing? And that is exactly what he needed to do. He needed to heal, the emotional bruises from his lost childhood thick and black on his soul. I made it my mission to offer Edward an escape from this fear, striving to prove to him that he would be able to engage in life and experience this world without the presence of chaos. If this meant that I kept my inconsequential purging a secret for now, then I would do it. And all the while, I would be attempting to combat my problem, struggling against my own body to overcome deprecation that had been in place for years now. But I would do it. I would do whatever I could to reassure Edward that he would not share his father's fate.

Of course, as soon as I got home the morning after our highly unconventional first date, fully awake and withholding from exhaustion, I had researched Schizophrenia. I read page upon page of information, learning about the history, lurking on message boards, reading about experimental treatments and perceived causes, until I came upon a study concerning the genetic implications of the disease. My eyes blurred from lack of sleep and I nearly passed out hovering over my laptop, but I had to make sense of Edward's fears. I wanted to know if they were fully supported with documentation or if he was mistaken, the implication made more severe from his experience with his father's psychosis.

I scrolled through the document, much of the jargon difficult to comprehend, until I found the results section of the study. From what I could gather, the estimates of heritability of Schizophrenia varied because it is difficult to separate the effects of the environment and genetics, the old nurture versus nature dilemma rearing its ugly head. The article stated that there are many genes interacting to generate risk for the disease and that sometimes they raise the risk of other psychiatric diseases. But the study also said that there was conflicting findings and that so far all theories remained unsubstantiated.

So there was a risk, but it wasn't as prominent as Edward thought it to be. Now I was conflicted because I had wanted to find out that it was all bullshit and Edward's mind would forever be brilliant and perfect, but that might not be the case. I found it ironic that just weeks ago, the second time I met Edward, we were studying this very concept in Biology, and now here I was trying to figure out if Edward was going to go crazy and hurt me and have all his fears realized at some point in time.

That morning as I lay in bed listening to the mockingbirds whistle their warnings outside my window, I thought about what this meant for me. Should I pursue this relationship, knowing it could be potentially harmful, even if the risk was miniscule? The emotional scarring would greatly outweigh the physical, my bodily preservation inconsequential. I didn't really give a shit about dying or being physically hurt, but the pain of having to see Edward deteriorate would be devastating. I had read all about the symptoms, hallucinations, delusions, apathy being the less severe, ranging to things I wouldn't be able to fathom, like motionlessness, purposeless agitation and catatonia. Would I be able to handle that? What toll would it take on my own psyche and soul if Edward were to show symptoms of this debilitating disease?

And like a shock of electricity jolting through my body, causing every hair on my body to prickle with energy, the answer rang clear. It didn't fucking matter. Any of it. I would take this time I had with Edward, whether it was plagued by an unlikely psychiatric disease or not, I would take it. Because I was going to love him. I had felt it brimming in my soul for a while. I already knew he was my match, my soul mate, my very element wrapped up into one cosmically chosen being. Nature had matched me with Edward. But to love, that is a pure mixture of personality traits, choices and decisions, environmental factors creating a nurturing path of least resistance and bringing together characteristics and mannerisms that are most compatible. To have both is rare and I would be a goddamn fool to pass it up because of some possible risk of mental disease and personal safety. Even if I could only have it for a while I was going to have it, and that was by far a more enticing possibility. "I'm a lucky girl, I found my friend."

I scooted the coffee table over to rest in front of the two large chairs now. Charlie had gone to the hospital for some tests. He was off the pain medication now and was ready to go back to work, a nice comfy swivel chair awaiting him at the station. Carlisle had initially said he only needed to stay home for six weeks and Charlie was anxious to get back. I think he was getting sick of my persistent coaxing, but I was intent on sticking to the rehabilitation plan. Medication, check; eradicate house of tobacco and alcohol, check; daily exercise…well, we were still working on some things.

Charlie was not a fan of fitness saying that if nature had intended our bodies for exercise, sitting on his ass wouldn't be so comfortable. I was somewhat indifferent in regards to exercise, the lack of food consumption causing lack of energy which made exercise futile, but Edward had disclosed he was a runner, that it had been one of the ways he cleared his head and that before his debacle with deliberate dueling, running had been his nightly meditation. This, combined with the fact that his cousin was a prominent member of the wrestling team, made Edward about a hundred times more knowledgeable in the ways of health and fitness than I was. Edward had put together a light strength training workout, mainly consisting of careful stretches for now, and something Charlie could do in the living room or his bedroom. Charlie was supposed to walk every day too, to help pump blood through his altered arteries. So far, I hadn't seen him do any of it, but he'd finally stopped asking for steak and pipe, realizing I wouldn't be a party to his purposeful proclivity.

Once we had the furniture in a pleasing position in the living room we moved on to the kitchen and, using a couple of screwdrivers, set to work tightening the hinges on all the cabinets. It bugged the shit out of me the way the doors were always hanging open, the kitchen a ghost town and void of any life, abandoned and neglected. My resolve still fixated on renewing my existence, I was striving to bring warmth back into this kitchen and exterminate any lingering elements of indifference and disregard. "Forgetting fear but never disregarding her."

Edward had been teaching me how to cook too, giving me the tools to create the healthy meals that were most beneficial to Charlie. Charlie needed a diet low in cholesterol and saturated fats, which was a challenge since his preferred diet had consisted of artery hardening animal lards. All his favorites - red meats, eggs, butter, cheese - they were all to be avoided. As clueless as I was about exercise, as Edward shared his organic, natural food philosophy with me, I realized that I had become even more out of touch with food than I had thought. I mean, I knew a couple of recipes by heart, things you never forget like marinara sauce and pastina, but what Edward knew about fusing flavors and using herbs and just the whole chemical processes of certain foods, what happens when you add variant levels of heat and liquids, it was like a science to him, a wonderfully aromatic and succulent science.

Edward had a remarkable outlook on the culinary arts and food consumption, opting to use ingredients that hadn't been tainted by chemical preservatives and additives. He created a menu, consisting of whole grains, oatmeal, brown rice, and wheat and vegetable pastas, choosing foods free from complex sugars using natural sweeteners like honey or juices instead. Edward prescribed proteins low in fat, like turkey and fish, appealing to Charlie's preferences while maintaining the stipulations of the plan and using spices, juices and herbs instead of sodium and fats to add flavor. Of course, fruits and vegetables were becoming the main staple, Edward experimenting with techniques for preparing and reinventing old recipes. Charlie had a difficult time trusting Edward's cooking at first, but one meal of tarragon roasted salmon and asparagus with wheat penne later, Charlie quit his grumbling.

Charlie's terminated use of sleep inducing drugs had thrown a bit of a snarl into our late night liaisons. Don't get me wrong, it didn't actually halt the engagements from occurring, we were just paranoid as all shit Charlie would catch us in an awkward position. Charlie hadn't explicitly told me I couldn't have a boy in my room every night of the week until two in the morning, but common sense told me this probably wouldn't be allowed. Edward had suggested climbing the tree in the front yard and coming in through my window, but I refused. I didn't want to sneak around like a criminal in my own home and I certainly didn't want to subject Edward to feeling like some creepy stalker. I wasn't doing anything wrong or bad and unless Charlie prohibited it, Edward would use the front door.

I tried to hoist myself on the counter but my lack of strength made the climb embarrassingly impossible. Edward was already tightening his second door and I was still trying to get on the fucking counter. I sighed and crossed the kitchen to get a chair. I started moving the collection of crap currently utilizing the small chair when Edward, noticing my divergence from our task, turned to look at me.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked me, leaning against the counter, his arms folded across his chest. He was wearing 'work' clothes, the torn jeans frayed at the knees and a torn gray t-shirt, a Stoli's logo stretched across his torso. I thought it somewhat ironic that his shirt was promoting Vodka when he didn't even drink. It must have been one of Alice's thrift store finds, but it was fucking hot, the little holes exposing bits of Edwards skin. I kept wanting to run my fingers over the tears, and the damn shirt was like a size too small. Every time he lifted his arms that little slice of skin above the waistband of his pants would taunt me, imploring my fingers to glide across the flesh. I could see it now, my eyes roaming to the epidermal display, the concave scoop of his hips prominent and inviting. I licked my flushed lips, anxious to taste the expanse and wondering if he'd notice that fucking shirt absent from his wardrobe.

"Nothing," I replied, the fire beneath my skin forcing a rosy hue. I turned back to my task, the image burned into my brain, completely ignited and suffering from an insatiable case of vag liquification. Shit! My body's involuntary response to Edward's bare skin was beginning to border on torture.

I started to drag the chair over to the counter when Edward caught on and moved to wrap his arms around my waist. I gasped as he hoisted me up until my eyes met his, his lips just inches from mine, and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his torso, my groin pressing into that naked stretch of skin, my arms prowling up around his neck. With one hand adjusted to grip my ass and the other wrapped around my waist, he walked to the counter and set me on it, pressing into me as I pulled his face closer to mine, our eyes interlaced and waltzing in electric eagerness.

Edward was breathing quietly, his warm breath flooding over my skin, a bath of aromas swirling around my face in small whispers. He pulled away, leaving me on the countertop practically panting and thirsting for his mouth, and turned his attention back to the fucking cabinet, forcing me to ache in covetous desire.

"Um, thanks, ass," I said sarcastically. Edward was engrossed in his task, staring intently at the hinge he was promptly tightening, a small smirk hiding on his lips. I suppressed a grin of my own, trying to maintain my composure and torn between wanting to punch him in the face and the urge to dry hump him right here in the kitchen.

"Anytime," he smirked, a full smile now, and just continued to adjust the hinges.

"So what do you want for lunch?" Edward asked after few quiet moments. "I'm starving." It was only, like, eleven thirty and already the boy was hungry. Hunger for me was still an infrequent occurrence, my body forgetting to notify me when it was empty. I hadn't eaten in over seventeen hours and still my stomach was comfortably vacant. Logically, I knew I should eat, that my body needed some sort of fuel to function. However, if the choice was left up to me, I wouldn't even think about eating until I felt it in my belly, that gnawing and aching of bowels calling for satiation, and those times were few and far between.

I had been trying to eat when I was with Edward, really trying, the task made easier by the fact that his food was so incredibly satisfying to my palate. I was getting better at curbing the nausea and pressure that erupted regardless, not having purged for an entire week, a fact I found great accomplishment in. "Today I am not prey to dark uncertainty," a mantra I had to remember to take things one day at a time.

The purging was no longer fulfilling its original purpose - instead of the satisfying void I used to feel, now the emptiness was deafening, like I had eradicated a piece of Edward himself in flushing his nourishment down the toilet. Every time I felt the compulsion I remembered Edward's voice in the women's restroom, worry and pain thick with implication in his questioning of my overabundance of minty reliance, and I couldn't do it. Just like Alice's presence in the school day-smoking restroom was a deterrent, Edward's ever presence in my subconscious was changing the dynamics of my self-deprecation.

In Phoenix, nobody ever noticed my lack of eating. Renee was never home during meal times and any acquaintances I surrounded myself with were too stoned to notice, gorging themselves only when the urge to munch arose. Edward's propensity for meals, like actual times set aside just for eating, made disguising my problem a little tricky, especially when I had to engage in said meals in front of others. This threat was impossibly more evident today, because tonight I was having dinner with Edward's family before heading to La Push for a bonfire. Emmett and the wrestling team had planned a huge party on the beach. Apparently, the tide was going to be really low tonight, exposing the briny coral and sea life, the tide pools offering a glance at the world beneath the salty surface.

"Um, whatever. I think we have stuff for sandwiches or something," I replied. I had just gone to the market yesterday so the fridge was pretty stocked.

"Are you hungry?" Edward asked me, pausing his task and turning to look at me.

Shit. I had a choice here. I could lie, tell him yes and make us lunch, choke down a sandwich and spend the rest of the day suppressing the compulsion to puke because I knew tonight at Edward's house I was going to have to eat again. Or, I could tell him the truth, that I wasn't hungry, make him lunch and watch him eat while he stared at me wondering why I didn't want to share in the habitual feeding with him, causing him to become suspicious and question my previous behavior, quite possibly nurturing that seed of realization that had undoubtedly been festering in his mind.

And then I realized that this was just like the sneaking through the window thing. Edward deserved to know the truth, always and about everything. So I decided that I would no longer lie. I would give him the truth, let him draw his own conclusions, and I wouldn't deny any of it when he figured it out, I'd deal with the repercussions. It was a way that I could begin to let go of my secret, a way that I could begin to deal with the fact that this piece of comfort that I could control was no longer under my control. When Edward told me about his parents, when he offered me freely that piece of himself, I had relinquished that control to Edward and I hadn't even been aware of the transition. It wasn't everything, but it was a start.

"Um, not really. But I can make you something," I said lightly, trying not to make this a big deal.

Edward stopped tightening the screw and turned fully towards me, his gaze appraising. "Did you eat breakfast?" he asked, his arms folding across his chest.

Fuck! Are you serious? What are the odds that I decide on honesty and he decides to question at the same exact time? Fucking Karma.

I was tempted to revert back to cowardly liar but I fought the urge, the photograph of Edward's father flashing through my mind.

"No, I wasn't hungry." I took a deep breath and looked down instinctively and I could actually feel Edward's eyes on me, burning into my now hot face. This honesty thing was going to be excruciating.

"You weren't hungry for breakfast? Did you eat a big dinner last night?" Edward wasn't going to let it go, he was pressing and I was instantly reminded of my reasoning in withholding this information in the first place. Repercussions be damned, I wasn't going to be able to deal with twenty questions at every meal time.

"No! Edward, fuck. The last time I ate was lunch with you and Alice yesterday, alright?" I snapped, filled with regret.

"And you're not hungry?" He ignored my tone and focused on getting information. Edward was searching for answers, an investigator looking for clues. He knew something was up, his suspicious behavior making this evident, but his questioning proving he just didn't know what.

"No. I'm just not hungry," I shrugged.

"Will you eat a sandwich if I make you one?" Edward asked, formulating the question quickly.

Edward already knew the answer to this, I'm sure. "Sure," I said, defeated.

The front door swung open with a clang, causing me to startle at the distraction. "Bella!" Charlie called from the living room.

"Kitchen!" I replied, still refusing to look at Edward and grateful for the break in questioning.

Charlie's large form groaned into the kitchen, nodding a salutation to Edward and assessing our task at hand. "Living room looks interesting."

"Thanks," I said. "What did Carlisle say?"

"Blood pressure's still high, incision's okay, still gotta stick to the list." Charlie said this last one with a scowl.

"I don't think that the list is ever going away, Dad. I think the list is pretty much for life." I hated to burst his bubble but coddling was not going to make Charlie realize that this shit was serious.

Charlie scoffed, muttering something under his breath that I decided to just let go, my mind otherwise occupied.

"Do you want lunch, I think Edward was going to make sandwiches?" Edward had been quiet in contemplation throughout the exchange and as I glanced over at him, he met my eyes, calculation still in his gaze.

"Naw, I'm not really hungry. I stopped at the store on the way home. I'm goin' to work on some of my lures." Charlie held up a bag from Newton's Sporting Goods.

"I've got to go anyway, actually," Edward finally spoke, shocking the hell out of me. I had thought we'd be leaving for his house this evening together.

"What?" I asked, uncomfortable with the amount of time Edward would have to meditate on my answers to his questions.

"I need to go to the market and get everything prepared and marinating," Edward replied. This was a good excuse, maybe even a real one, but the paranoia in me thought it a diversionary tactic so he could escape. He may have seen this in my expression because his own face softened and a smile spread across his lips.

I couldn't help but return the grin. "Okay," I said, unable to disguise the disappointment in my voice.

"I'm going upstairs if you need me." Charlie made a beeline for the stairs, sensing a public display of affection that he didn't want to be witness to.

Edward pulled me into his arms as soon as Charlie left the room. He kissed my forehead as I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm sorry about the fucking questions, Bella," Edward said softly into my hair.

"Don't apologize for that. You can ask me whatever you want," I replied. "I'm sorry I can't control my bitchiness." I pushed my face into his maybe soon to be mine hot Stoli shirt, the material threadbare and soothing, inhaling the scent of fresh laundry and soap.

"Well, you were provoked." Edward twirled the end of my ponytail, his other hand running up and down my back.

"So, you think I was acting bitchy?" I pulled back, teasing.

'Oh, no, no, no. I'm not even dignifying that with a response. That's a fucking trap, right there." Edward laughed.

"So, do you really have to go grocery shopping or are you just trying to get out of chores?" I moved my arms to his neck, running my fingers into his hair, twirling the loops and curls at the base of his neck.

He moved his face very close to mine, running the tip of his nose along the base of my jaw and into the space directly below my earlobe, placing a slow, sucking kiss on the spot and sending shivers across my skin.

"Like I'd pass up watching you do chores, what with all the bending and stretching and such. Do you have any idea how good your ass looks in those pants?" Edward whispered into my ear, his lips grazing the lobe as he spoke, his hands slithering down my back to clutch the aforementioned area.

Instinctively, my fingers tightened in his hair, pulling his mouth closer into my neck. Thinking about wrapping my legs around him again but remembering that Charlie was upstairs, I refrained, opting to press my chest against his instead.

"Fuck, Edward, you can't just say things like that and expect there to be no consequences," I breathed into his ear now, licking the lobe and bringing it between my teeth.

"Oh, I was fully anticipating consequences, Bella. In fact, I was banking on it." Edward pulled my hips into his, his strong fingers tight on my flesh. He pushed his lips onto mine with gentle pressure, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and twirling fervently, the kiss frantic and fast, my hands still twisted into the length of his coppery hair and pulling with every thrust of his tongue. He pulled away first, both of us out of breath, and pressed his forehead to mine. My chest was heaving against his, my head fuzzy from the lack of oxygen. I probably would have stubbornly kept kissing him until unconsciousness ensued. Thank God, one of us has common sense. "Oh starbright, starbright, you've got the lovin' that I like, all right."

"I really do have to go to the market, Bella. And now it's going to be a very uncomfortable trip." Edward kissed the tip of my nose and I pushed my body against his swelling bulge in an attempt to keep him here.

"Bella!" he gasped. "Seriously, Charlie's upstairs. And I really do have to go."

"I know," I pouted, placing a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. I walked Edward out to his car, leaning against his door. "So, are you going to give me directions to your house or what?"

"I'll pick you up. We'll just leave for La Push from my house." Edward stood across from me.

"Okay. Who's going to be at dinner?" I asked, hopeful we'd be dining without Rosalie and knowing it was all in vain.

"Just all of us, and Rosalie," Edward responded, confirming my suspicion, a scowl inadvertently forced upon my face.

"I know," was all Edward needed to say. "Okay, I'm going to go. I'll pick you up at around five or five thirty, depending on how preparations for dinner are going."

"That's fine. Whenever. I could come over early even, if you want. I could watch you cook." I smiled at the prospect, that black apron muddling my brain.

"Okay. I'll call you when I get back from the store to see if you're ready." Edward was smiling too, appreciating my alternate plan. He gave me a quick kiss and I moved away from his car, walking into the house as he drove off, anticipating a very interesting evening ahead of me.

…

EPOV

I opened the oven for the tenth time, checking the potatoes and wiping the sweat off my forehead on Bella's hip which happened to be inconceivably close to my face.

"Edward! I have to wear these pants all night you know!" Bella was stirring the marinara on the stovetop. She'd been driving me fucking crazy all day, first this morning with her black pants, the thick waistband all folded over, making them even lower on her hips than necessary. Shit, and the way the material felt in my hands, thin and stretchy when I grabbed her ass in her kitchen, the material pulling and sliding against her skin, fucking visualizing the flesh beneath the clinging fabric. It was fucking painful, both emotionally and physically, plagued by a wicked boner as I headed out to the market to get some groceries for tonight's dinner.

And then I pick her up and she's wearing these fucking tight-ass jeans, the bottoms scrunched around her ankles and, like, five shirts, two of them thermal, and her corduroy jacket. Did she think we were going to Antarctica? She insisted on helping me with dinner, claiming she wanted to pick up cooking tips, but I swear she just wanted to torture me with her tight jeans, more bending and stretching while getting pans from the cabinet and reaching for spices on the shelves. Fuck, this girl's ass was going to kill me. They'd have to inscribe it on my headstone, "Death by Blue Balls".

"You don't have to wear pants. I think it'd be far more interesting if you weren't actually," I teased. Bella was going to have dinner with my family and then we were going to La Push Beach for a bonfire. Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead doing this kind of shit, but Emmett was sort of conspiring the whole thing, so I felt obligated. Plus, I'd have a chance to show Bella the tide pools, something I think she'd enjoy. There was also this really secluded spot where kids went to make out and shit, up on one of the cliffs overlooking the ocean. I thought that might be kind of fun too.

Bella snorted at my comment, scraping the sides of the saucepan with the spatula. "Yeah, that'd be priceless, my scantily clad ass at your dinner table." I'd be a fucking liar if I didn't cop to picturing that shit, Bella's bare ass on the dining table. Fuck, I was pretty sure hell had a parking spot with my name on it.

I pulled the potatoes from the oven using my apron as a guard against the heat, setting them on the counter and turning off the oven. Tonight I was making gnocchi with marinara, the light potato dumpling a fantastic alternative to traditional pasta. The trick to gnocchi was to bake the potatoes in the skin instead of boiling them. Boiling causes them to absorb too much water, making them rubbery and heavy. The baked potatoes produced a much fluffier and lighter dumpling.

Once the potatoes had cooled I scraped the flesh of the potato from the skin, spooning it into a large bowl and whisking with a fork. Mixing the egg, flour and salt into the potato, I used my hands to combine the ingredients until they formed a pliable ball of dough.

I looked up realizing I hadn't heard from Bella in a while, my mind occupied by the mixture before me. Bella was staring at me, her velvet eyes wide and absorbing, her mouth slightly opened, displaying her top white teeth through her full glossed lips. They spread into a smile when she realized she'd been caught, her eyes darting down to the dough in my hands.

"You're really good at that, you know, you look like you know what you're doing, like it's second nature or something," Bella commented, her eyes still on my hands.

I shrugged. "I've got a knack for it, I guess. It just makes sense to me." I threw some flour onto the cutting board and began to pull portions of the dough and roll them into the dumplings.

Bella walked over to where I was working and began to pull portions of the mixture, mirroring my technique and placing the gnocchi on the floured cookie sheet. We worked in comfortable silence, our hands lingering when they accidentally touched, and because I couldn't help it, I leaning down to kiss her cheek a couple of times.

I hadn't felt the bomb in weeks. Since I'd told Bella about my parents it seemed that the bomb had somewhat been diffused. I didn't hear it ticking in my head anymore, the only sound in my head now was Joni fucking Mitchell. Yeah, she'd got me listen to that shit. I mean, I'm regularly not a fan of high-pitched sappy metaphorical poetry put to piano, but it was a part of her, a huge part, and I wanted to know that part, really know it so I could understand when she quoted one of Joni's songs and so I knew what the fuck she was trying to say.

I knew exactly what made me decide to tell Bella about my parents. I was afraid, fearful of my fucking shadow, worried that if Bella knew what I could become she'd run. She'd leave and the best thing that I'd found in this life would be gone.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Something was up with Bella, something she was keeping from me. I could fucking smell it on her, those mints a dead giveaway. I honestly didn't know precisely what she was being so secretive about but I'd seen enough shit in my life to have some suspicions. I had spent some time looking at the evidence.

For one thing, she was fucking skinny as all shit. Sometimes I worried I was hurting her when we were making out, bruising her fucking bones, the way they jutted out all over the place, her skin taut and stretched. Don't get me wrong, I loved feeling her, every part of her, I just thought there should be a bit more to feel. I don't think there was an ounce of fat on her body. This could be due to the fact that she was all weird about eating. The way she looked at food, well, it was like she was looking at a fucking corpse or something, smelling everything before tasting it. Usually she ate what I cooked, but I'd rarely seen her eat anything else. She did eat the peppermint patties and then proceeded to throw up. And then there were the fucking mints.

Bella was an emotional mess, getting off one minute then crying the next. She had a somewhat short fuse, irrationally pissed over things that weren't that big of a deal. She smoked cigarettes and sucked on hard candy. She'd already proved that she liked to party, getting plastered and smoking weed and then associating with well known drug dealers.

I was like ninety percent sure Bella had a drug problem.

The other ten percent was sure it was a mixture of various psychological disorders.

I didn't expect Bella to come at me with something like that. I mean, really, she'd only known me two months. You don't just come right out with your life story after two months. But you also don't call someone your soul mate after two months and I was sure as shit doing that. My connection with Bella was different than anything I'd ever experienced and I was pretty sure she felt it too.

So I fucking told her. I swallowed my fears and I told her everything with the hope that maybe she'd feel comfortable telling me someday. I didn't expect her to spill that night, honestly, I didn't. She wouldn't have done that, and besides, she was too busy consoling my blubbering ass. I just wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn't going anywhere, that I've got shit in my past too.

Sometimes, when she'd look at me, I could just see it in her eyes so close to the brim, the purse in her quavering lips just struggling to form the words, and I knew she wanted to tell me, just lay it all out there. But she never did. And I knew why. I had been in the same predicament, my heavy secret weighing thick on my being. I hadn't wanted to share it with her because I was scared shitless she would leave. Maybe she was scared too.

…

Accepting Bella's help was surprisingly easy. I really didn't know how it would be to have help in the kitchen and with dinner. I'd always preferred to work alone and I always denied anyone when they offered to help, but Bella didn't offer to help, she just did it, and I didn't even have the chance to dispute her. We'd gotten shit done in record time too, Bella setting the table leaving me free to plate the dish.

My family was seated around the large table, Esme and Rose immersed in trivial conversation. Carlisle was reading some paperwork of some kind, an article or journal or something. Alice and Emmett were discussing this episode of Top Gear they'd just been watching and were debating the performance superiorities between an Aston Martin Vanquish and Porsche 911.

"Emmett, the 911 is like a classic. My dream car would be a yellow 1968 Porsche 911 with sweet wheels and black interior. That would be hot." Alice really knew nothing about cars or she would have waited another year to get the '69 which was quicker in acceleration.

"Whatever dude, that Vanquish is foxy. I want to make sweet, sweet love to that car," Emmett replied, nodding his head in grotesque undulations.

"Emmett!" Esme had overheard their conversation, scolding her son and giving him an exasperated glare.

"What? Everyone does it, Mom." Emmett noticed me walking into the dining room and started clapping, starting off real slow and getting faster as I walked towards the table. "Come on guys, I started with the slow clap. You guys gotta do the splattering background applause." Fuck, Emmett was in one of his 'funny' moods tonight, you know when you think everything you do is the most hilarious thing ever uttered. And he wasn't even drunk yet.

Alice jumped up to help as Bella was carrying in the salad, giving me a dirty-ass look in the process.

"Edward, dude, you made our guest serve us? What is wrong with you?" Alice ushered Bella to a seat, which happened to be next to Rosalie. I could see Bella's whole being just tense up as she took the seat. Rosalie turned her body ever so slightly so that the back of her shoulder was facing Bella. Now it was my turn to throw the dirty looks, glaring at Alice, what the fuck my intended message.

I put the gnocchi on the table, taking my seat on the other side of Bella and across from Alice, giving her a little kick under the table as I was adjusting my seat.

"Ow, Edward, watch it, ass." It was the second time I'd been called that today, this reason much, much different from the first.

As everyone filled their plates I noticed Bella had a substantial amount of salad and not very much gnocchi at all, maybe six or seven dumplings, but I suppressed the urge to ask her if everything was okay. I needed to stop that shit, seriously. After the shit in the kitchen this morning, I had to minimize my urge to question the shit out of every move Bella made. She had to know that I would accept any flaw that she had because I knew she'd accept mine.

"Hey Bella, how do you like your gah-nocchi?" Emmett mispronounced it on purpose, something he does every time I make it. I rolled my eyes and was about to explain when Bella responded.

"It's gah-awesome, Emmett." Bella giggled at Emmett's dumb joke and I pretended I didn't hear Bella's response, afraid it might lower the pedestal I had her upon. "Seriously, Edward, it's delicious. You really have a gift."

Rosalie, who'd been quiet for, like, the past week, finally found her voice and unfortunately ruined a perfectly good dinner conversation by bringing up the future. "Hasn't Edward told you Bella? He's going to apply at this culinary institute in Italy."

Fucking cuntwords, that's all I could think of. Cuntface, cunthead, dumbcunt…I could go on and on. Rosalie wasn't singing my praises, she was trying to start an argument, trying to make Bella feel insecure.

Bella looked over at me and smiled, excitement in her eyes. "Really? Do you know how awesome that would be! You could totally do that!" Ah, she is a keeper, this one.

"Yeah, The Italian Culinary Academy. It's like a ten week course in New York and then nine weeks in Italy. After that you can apply for an additional nine weeks in Italy as an intern, like working in real Italian kitchens and shit…I mean stuff." I glanced over at Esme who thankfully hadn't noticed my slip, she didn't like foul language. It really was a sweet little program they had over there, the purpose of the internship being to get a permanent position in a restaurant, as an assistant or a sous chef or something, and then work your way to the top. It'd be fucking sweet to have my own restaurant someday and this would be the best place to start.

"Well, that sounds incredibly interesting. I'd like to learn more about this school, and New York and Italy too." Bella grinned again, her mouth wrapping around her fork as she ate her salad. Rosalie was quiet again, defeated as she sank into her chair and pushed her food around her plate.

Bella ate everything before her, bringing the gnocchi to her lips and chewing slowly, even closing her eyes for a moment. This was always a good sign, equated with pleasure and longing. The table settled into a comfortable chatter and it felt excellent to have Bella create this food with me and then see her enjoy it. I thought about my plans for the future and now they involved Bella. I couldn't see a path I'd take that didn't have her beside me.

After dinner, we gathered our supplies for the bonfire. It was the middle of April so I wasn't counting on any ice or snow, but rain was always a possibility. I threw in some blankets in case we found that spot on the cliff, or in case Bella fell in the tide pools, both entirely plausible, especially if alcohol was involved. I wasn't going to drink but Bella might want to and I wasn't going to tell her what to do, but you bet your ass I was going to be there to take care of things if shit got ugly.

Emmett and Rose had already left to secure the spot on the beach and set up our camp. The wrestling team did this about once every couple months and they had their shit down. Each person was responsible for bringing one of the following three items…beer, food, firewood. Then they'd get stupid and intoxicated and create the largest, most dangerous fire imaginable, some of the guys bringing those wood palettes that shit arrives in stores on and standing them up around the fire until it was as tall as I was. It was highly dangerous and pretty fucking cool.

Alice was riding with us and sat quietly in the back seat of the Volvo as we drove the half hour drive to La Push Beach located on the Quileute Indian Reservation. When we got there Alice split, saying she was going to go find Emmett, but her previous secretive behavior eluded that she was going to find something else, something very specific.

I stashed the flashlights in my jacket pocket and took Bella's hand in mine, interlacing our fingers and walking towards the already raging tower of inferno down on the sand. We made our way around the dozens of people already chatting and drinking, some roasting marshmallows by the fire. A couple morons from the wrestling team were actually debating whether or not they could run through the blaze before their clothing caught on fire. Fucking idiots. I suddenly wished I had grabbed Carlisle's cell phone, the need to call 911 would probably arise at some point tonight.

We found Emmett and Rose over by the beer buckets, huge buckets of ice just overflowing with beer. They were both already buzzed by this time, Rosalie squinting and having a difficult time walking in the sand and Emmett fucking doing his damn impersonations. Alright, some of them were funny damnit, but I'd seen them all before. I really just wanted to find some place quiet where I could be with Bella, wrapped in a blanket under the stars.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, turning to speak quietly into her ear. Bella brought her lip between her teeth, shaking her head no and reaching up to kiss my cheek.

"Tide pools," she said, dragging me towards the ocean. It was true the tide was out really far, a few surfers past the crests and waiting for a night ride. I led now, pulling Bella to the rocky expanse of sand normally covered by the ocean and now exposed, trapping the creatures of the sea in these temporary homes. I gave Bella a flashlight and we explored the reefs, looking for crabs and fucking squealing when one would scuttle across the sand to hide in an inaccessible spot. We stuck our fingers in the sea anemone, watching them close up around the intruder, and we watched the tiny trapped fish swim around and around in the enclosed space. There wasn't anything romantic or sexual about the activity, it was just two people who liked each other acting like goofballs together. Bella was fun, she was silly and cracked stupid jokes and I just generally liked being around her. She made me feel like maybe I could be fun too.

Bella had started to shiver and I was eager to find that lookout point on the cliff and wrap her in a blanket before she got too numb. I wasn't exactly sure where it was but it couldn't have been far and I'd seen kids on the point before. We walked back to the car to grab the blankets and, using my flashlight, found a path cleared of foliage. This had to be the hiking path to the cliff.

"Um, so I think this is the path to a cliff with at really wicked view of the ocean. Are you up for an adventure?" I asked Bella. She might be too cold or tired to hike and in that case we could go sit by the fire.

"Oh Edward, I'm always up for an adventure," Bella replied, kissing my hand intertwined with hers.

We began walking up the hill, Bella falling a little behind, and since we were joined at the hands, I slowed my speed to mirror hers. We followed the meandering path, the packed dirt making it easy to tread and navigate.

Bella was quiet during our walk, thinking, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. The sound of the party below was chaotic and messy, the screaming and laughing fading as we moved further from it, the sounds drowned out by the crashing of the waves against the rocks below us. We had hiked for twenty minutes maybe when we came to a fork in the path. To the right was a steeper path, climbing straight up, probably to a higher peak. To the left was a narrow path that hugged the rocky wall of the mountain. I chose the path on the left for us, not sure if even I could make it up the alternative.

"Edward, I don't think this is safe…for me," Bella said quietly. She was afraid of falling, but I was sure that the area opened up on the other side of this path and that we'd be secluded from people yet exposed to the elements of the night, the salty air and spray of the ocean, the stars and constellations in the sky, the backdrop for a most delicate memory. Yes, this is the pussy I had turned into for this girl, and I wanted everything to be perfect for her.

I had decided that I wasn't going to hold back anymore in my physical relationship with Bella. Like she had said, we should be natural and let things happen. The pressure of the bomb abated, I would be able to focus on Bella, on enjoying every aspect of our electric connection and giving her every bit of myself.

"Bella, would I ever lead you somewhere unsafe? Here, hold the flashlight." I handed her the light as I gently pushed her ahead of me, one arm around her waist, guiding her across the narrow path from behind. I knew we were close, I could hear the waves crashing, the air thick with moisture, the briny, mineral smell of the salt rich in the air. It was a tad cooler than I had anticipated but I had three blankets in my bundle and I was immediately shameful that I had mentally capped on Bella's multiple layers.

We eased around a bend in the mountain and then the pathway opened up to a wide plateau, the edge overlooking the ocean. The moon was full and glittering off the sea, basking us in its blue white glow and making Bella's skin a beautiful shade of cream. We could see the glow of the bonfire to the left, hear their banter. We weren't really that high up, just out of sight and hidden in the darkness.

"See? Isn't this worth it?" I whispered into her ear, kissing the area below the lobe. She leaned into me shivering slightly so I pulled my arm tighter around her soft body.

"It seems you do know what you're doing," Bella exhaled, her voice quiet and breathless. I pulled away from her, spreading the blanket onto the ground. She sat down, kicking off her shoes and crossing her legs beneath her as I placed another blanket around her shoulders. She opened her arms, welcoming me into them, and I quickly took my place beside her. Bella burrowed into my side, a place she seemed to like, and I placed my nose and lips to her hair, inhaling her lavender and allowing the soft, fragrant brown to tickle my face.

I pulled her back onto the blanket so that we could see the rarely visible stars. The marine layer had yet to make its way ashore and the lack of light pollution made them shine in bright reds and whites.

"Okay Mr. Astronomy, impress me with your knowledge of constellations," Bella said into my shoulder as I adjusted the blanket around us. Luckily, I watched a shitload of television before I met Bella, the Discovery Channel being one of my favorites, so I knew a thing or two about stars.

"Well, that's the big dipper," I said, teasing. Everyone knew the big dipper.

"Everyone knows the big dipper, Edward." I could almost feel her rolling her eyes at me and even though I couldn't actually see it, visualizing it was one of the cutest damn things I'd ever seen.

"Ah, yes, but not very many people know that it's actually part of a larger constellation called Ursa Major, The Great Bear," I countered. People aren't ever very impressed with the Big Dipper, the constellation getting a bad rap from overuse and from being easily identified, but Ursa Major is a pretty interesting area of the universe.

"The Great Bear, huh? Damnit, you're right, I didn't know that. Why do they call it The Great Bear?" Bella snuggled closer, her small frame delicately melding to mine. I pointed to the stars.

"Okay, so there's the handle of the Big Dipper, right? That's the bear's tail, and then the cup is the body. See? Then there's another star called Muscida, like in a straight line at the top of the cup, that's the head. And then there are strings of stars that make up the legs. See it? Ursa Major." I tried to point out all the important stars, but it was difficult without a picture. I decided I would print that shit out when I got home to give to her.

"Okay, but what's the story behind it? You know, because all the constellations have, like, some mythology that go with them," Bella asked. She was such a girl, wanting the gossip and shit.

"Well, you know Zeus right? The God of Gods?" Bella murmured in agreement so I continued. "So, Zeus wanted to get with this nymph, Kallisto. Hera, Zeus's wife, gets pissed and turns Kallisto into a bear. Later, Arcas, Kallisto's son, is going to shoot this bear whom he doesn't know is his mother in animal form and because Zeus is such a softy, he sweeps them both into the sky. Thus, Ursa Major. The Great Bear." The constellation actually had many interpretations, but I just told her the Greek one because it was the most well-known.

"Hmmm. So Kallisto didn't even do anything and she got turned into a bear? Seems kind of shitty to me," Bella retorted.

"Yeah, most mythology is pretty fucked up. I think the stories are meant to scare people or something. Don't cheat, you'll turn into a bear." I tightened my arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer. "Anyway, what is fucking awesome about this constellation is that it can be seen in the northern hemisphere all year long, because it's very close to Polaris, or the Northern Star. And you see that star in the handle of the dipper, the second one from the end?" Bella nodded. "That's actually two stars, Mizor and Alcor. It's a binary star system, actually the very first binary star system to be discovered. Binary stars look like one star from this far away, because they're so close, they actually appear as one."

"There's also a bunch of other shit in there, some spiral galaxies and a planetary nebula. All in all, a pretty fucking righteous set of stars. Hard to believe there's so much depth and intrigue concealed in something so prosaic as the Big Dipper, huh?"

"I think depth and intrigue is always concealed in something prosaic. It's what makes it so intriguing, that it's not inherently obvious or on display, but that you have to dig a little for it, get your hands dirty." Bella responded, turning her body so that she was laying on her side, her face searching mine. Her delicate features illuminated by the light were angelic and smooth, her lips a vibrant shade of red refracting the cool tones of the moon.

I bent down to kiss her protruding lips, the blood rushing to them and pulsing hot against my own, tangling my tongue with hers. My hands instinctively found their way around her waist, the material thick and cumbersome beneath my fingers. Fuck, how many damn shirts was she wearing? As though she had heard my thoughts, she pulled the layers over her head in one fell swoop, leaving on a pink and black bra. It was the first time I'd ever seen Bella wear a bra, the binding material straining against her chest, pushing and squishing her flesh into two neat little packages. I ran my hands up over her breasts to feel the material, applying pressure, gently squeezing her tits as I brought my thumbs over her hard nipples. She shuddered a bit and I pulled the blanket up around her shoulders, bringing my lips to her neck, and celebrating the exposed flesh.

Bella's hands instantly tangled into my hair, her fingers on the back of my neck. I licked the top of her breast, the indentation of her bra causing the muscle to jut out in lovely fullness, forcing my tongue beneath the material to lick her nipple. She gasped, her hand moving to touch the other, her fingers pulling at the hardened flesh. Holy fuck! I fucking lost it, the burden of fearful self control now dispersed, Bella absorbing some of the weight when she allowed me to confide in her. I pulled away from her, my hands swiftly unbuttoning those fucking jeans, and I slipped the pants over her ass, stopping to glide my hand over the skin, and pulling the pants from her legs. She brought her mouth to my neck, her hand sliding up under my undershirt and into the waistband of my pants. Her hand surrounded my swollen dick and I groaned at the feel of her fingers stroking the skin, clutching and grabbing, the monumental pressure coiled at the base of my groin and radiating for release.

As much as I wanted Bella's hands on my dick, I had something else planned. I pulled away from Bella, guiding her to lay on her back and making sure the blanket covered her exposed skin.

"Edward? What…are you okay?" Bella was concerned. I was okay. The bomb was quiet.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you okay?" Now I was concerned that she was concerned.

Bella smiled, pulling me down on top of her, her legs wrapping around my waist. She used her foot to pull my hips into her and groaned out loud when she felt the hardness between her legs as she rocked her hips back and forth. This startled me momentarily, our intimate exchanges were usually so voiceless but here, without Charlie to worry about, Bella was able to vocally exhibit what she was feeling. And it was the most agonizingly beautiful sound in the world.

"Fuck, Edward. You have to take these jeans off. I'm going to get chaffed rubbing up on this shit." Bella was already unbuttoning my shirt, removing the fabric from my shoulders. Her hands quickly moved to my jeans as I kicked off my shoes, all the while her legs still hinged around my hips. I think she was afraid I was going to deny her request because she wouldn't remove her legs from my waist, her thighs pressed against my abdomen and the wet fabric of her cotton panties pushed into my belly. She sighed at my dick tenting the stretchy boxers, once again skating her hands between her legs and into my underwear.

I struggled to recall my original plan, Bella's inclination to lead allowing me to succumb to her whims. But there was something I'd been thinking about doing, something that I couldn't wait any longer to do, the fucking anticipation of it was killing me and I just had to know what it felt like, what it tasted like.

I wanted to lick Bella's pussy.

There's no romantic way to say this. I'd been trying on different phrases, ways that I could ask her, because I really didn't know what the fuck I was doing. What if she thought it was gross? What if she wouldn't want to kiss me anymore? And I couldn't come right out and say, Fuck Bella, I want to eat you out so badly. Right?

Wait, could I?

Shit, I guess I could find out.

I pressed into her again, another moan slipping from her parted lips, and brought my mouth to her ear. I licked her neck, pulling at her hip with my hand, the other supporting my weight so I wouldn't crush her. My lips at her ear, her heavy panting and her hands between her legs, on my dick and pushing it into her pussy, that shit gave me the courage to say the words.

"Fuck Bella, I want to eat you out so badly," I growled into her skin.

"Oh my God, fuck, Edward. Holy shit." She unhitched her legs and moved her hands to pull off her underwear. Shit, she wanted it. She wanted this maybe as much as I did. Bringing her hands back to my hair and neck she pulled me close to her. Her eyes were heavy and wanting, begging as she pulled my mouth to hers in a ferocious battle of tongues and lips, crashing my clothed dick into her exposed pussy, her wetness seeping into the material of my underwear. At one point I had moved just so I could feel her wet flesh on my bare dick through the slit in the boxers and I almost fucking unloaded right then and there. I pulled away, my hands reaching down to feel the warm slickness, slipping my fingers into her. Bella gasped, her hands still around my neck, pulling my face to hers until her nose touched my cheek.

"Do it, Edward. Lick it. Please." It wasn't a request either. She wanted this, maybe more that I did, and I found extreme pleasure in the fact that I could grant her this request.

I scooted down to between her knees under the blanket. She accommodated by stretching her legs wider, making space so I could move freely. I inhaled her salty smell, using my fingers to open the crease and running them through the fluid, my thumb massaging every part of her. I wanted to see her completely exposed like this, but it was fucking cold and I didn't want to disrupt the cocoon of warmth we had tangled ourselves into. A bit nervous I was going to be a huge disappointment when she obviously wanted this so badly, I grazed my tongue across her clit a few times, the protrusion of flesh swollen and slick. Pulling her into my mouth and sucking every bit of Bella I could, I tasted her tangy and viscous essence, just fucking drinking her in and reveling at the softness of the skin on my tongue. Bella moaned loudly, long and guttural, a growl almost in her chest.

"Holy fucking shit," Bella breathed in a low voice. I couldn't see her but I could hear Bella breathing heavily, a quiet moan vibrating off her lips every so often as I continued to lick and suck, tonguing the pulsating tissue with fervor. Bella pushed herself into my face, her thighs tightening around my ears and her hands running forcefully through my hair. She was rocking her hips in accordance to the oscillation of my mouth, paced and rhythmic, the sounds pouring from her mouth igniting the mounting pressure, and I found that familiar need to have her bellowing in my being.

"Edward…Edward, I'm going to come," Bella breathed in a whisper now, her hips swiveling, fucking trying to get closer to my tongue any way that she could. I flicked more vehemently and then pulled her clit into a satiating suck. She stiffened and arched, a bouncing motion almost as she came, her throaty cries burned into my memory. Jesus Christ, that is the fucking most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced. Bella writhing in orgasmic euphoria, her hair splayed around her flushed face and just reveling in ecstasy could not be compared to any natural phenomenon in this universe. The sight alone was the epitome of appeal, pure captivation pouring out of every cellular constituent of her body.

"Edward. Holy…Shit." She was out of breath, sitting up and pulling me so she could see me. "That...fuck. Oh, my God." She laughed, unable to find the words. "I'm speechless. I can't believe…I didn't think it could get better." Bella brought her lips to mine in a frantic kiss, her tongue swirling, and I was hesitant thinking she wouldn't want to taste herself on me, but she just fucking kept kissing me until we both couldn't breathe and I had to disengage.

Bella wasted no time climbing on top of me, bringing her knees to rest against my hips, and I surged with equal amounts of panic and lust. I didn't know if this was going to be okay, if I could handle this, but I let the fear wash away instead of clinging to it, I let it all wash away, allowing only the natural urge and wanting to reside in my being now.

Bella pulled me from my revelation, pressing her naked pussy against my underwear. She reached down to free my dick, enveloping the hardness with soft hands. Pulling my boxers down to the top of my thighs, she pressed her wetness around my bare dick and fuck, the current beneath my skin just flowed, the heat, the warm slippery conductor fucking engulfing my awareness and sending flares of voracity through my entire body. I craved her wrapped around me fully, to push into her, fusing our physical conduit and, unlike last time, I was willing to give into the craving and gorge myself in Bella's libidinous avidity.

My breath left my body as Bella's hand folded around my cock. Her eyes were electric, crackling and dancing in the moonlight, the salty spray misting the blankets woven around us.

She smiled and bent down to bring her lips to mine, a slow, playful tug on my mouth.

I realized that I was trembling, my hands unable to move or feel, my whole being shaken at what was about to take place. Bella raised herself into a keen position and I felt the tip press into her, her eyes on mine the entire time. Fuck, this might hurt her. I hadn't even thought about that, the fucking bomb having been the antagonist most at the forefront. I couldn't be responsible for that pain.

"Wait," I said, pleading with Bella, my eyes intent and gazing.

"It's okay," Bella's voice was soothing and quiet as she peppered my face with small kisses. "It's okay." She said it again, a genuine grin upon her red lips.

I searched her eyes for any apprehension or doubt, any reason to stop what was most definitely going to happen but all I could find in those liquescent chocolate pools was acceptance and conviction, the reliance on herself to be sure that this was the most desirable decision. And I was calm, that acceptance wrapping me up and drawing me into her.

"Okay," I replied finally. She moved to continue but I rolled us over so Bella was on her back, her body spread out beneath me, and I brought myself to her brim. Bella held my eyes with hers, bringing her hands to my neck and running her hands into my hair, and it felt so good, her fingers twisting into my tresses, tickling my scalp and sending shivers down my back and shoulders.

Hesitating only a mere second more, I pushed into Bella slowly, her eyes wide and still holding mine. Her mouth opened, her teeth coming down to bite into her lip. She gasped at the initial penetration, the force of her surrounding me, the pressure of her body on my being reveled in the conjointment as I continued to push into her until my hips were flush with hers. She voiced a small groan, exhaling as she did so and, bringing her face to mine, kissed my cheeks and nose, peck after peck scattered across my face in between our labored breaths.

I clutched at her skin with my fingertips, not really moving but just basking in the glory of being connected with Bella like this, jointed together in carnal lucidity. My body was still trembling, and I felt that unraveling in my spine, that pressure deep in my being, and I only just realized I didn't have a condom on, the threat of ejaculation now a very real danger.

And then we heard it. Laughter and dumbshit conversation. And it was fucking close, like in ten seconds some fucking shitheads were going to be seeing my girl's naked ass. Bella heard it too and in seconds the connection was broken and I was frantically finding my clothes under the twisted and raveled blankets, trying not to fully disentangle for fear of hypothermia. Bella was struggling with her shirts, the arms knotted and inside out. She looked at me pleading for help and I threw her my button up shirt, my undershirt still covering my chest. I searched for the jeans and found a pile of denim scrunched into the blanket. Separating the pairs of pants, I tossed Bella hers and she scrambled into them, leaving them unbuttoned and pulling on her shoes as I pulled on mine. She smoothed her hair just as this group of stoners walked around the bend in the path. I knew they were high, I could smell it on them.

"And that's a good match though, Leo and Aquarius, because Leo is fire and needs the air of Aquarius for survival." Alice, my fucking sister, skirted around the corner, passing a joint to skeezy-ass Jasper who was trailed by three other fucking inconsequential potheads. I couldn't believe Alice was still smoking pot, she knew that shit was detrimental, and I mean really bad for us. What the fuck was her problem? I was readying myself to go over to her and verbally scold her decision to participate in destructive behavior.

They hadn't noticed us, the space we had chosen inconspicuous for a reason. Jasper licked his lips, and as he took the joint from my sister's hand, his other interlaced with hers, bringing her hand to his mouth and fucking kissing it, his lips lingering on her fingers. What the fuck? Why was this fucking bastard kissing my sister's hand? And the look on Alice's face. Shit! I'd seen that look, I'd just seen it earlier today actually, when Bella had helped me in the kitchen. What the hell was going on here?

"Edward, no." I exhaled as Bella whispered my name, trying to pull me back. She tried again, "Not now, not here." I glared at Bella, unable to say a word yet, the anger boiling in my gut and pounding in my head. I was going to rip this motherfucker a new asshole. He was probably fucking my sister and giving her and my girlfriend drugs and I was going to shred him on it. Fuck, I was just now able to run again, my bruised ribs finally healed, and now I was potentially going to fuck shit up again.

I got to my feet, Bella grabbing my pant leg. "No, Edward, please. Just let it go. Talk to her tomorrow." I shrugged Bella off, my body unable to cope with this too. I was going to walk right up him and clock him right in the fucking head. Seconds after I stood up, Alice noticed me, losing my element of surprise. Her expression changed and she knew that I knew. And she also knew what I was about to do.

"Edward, don't you fucking dare, Edward!" Alice's words were venomous, spitting and shouting at me as I lunged toward Jasper.

Jasper readied himself for the blow by putting his hands up to block the attack right as I came close enough to make contact and his arm collided with my face, crushing my nose and sending blood squirting everywhere, running down the back of my throat and splattering in my hair. I think the fucker broke my nose.

"Fuck!" I bent over, clutching my face, Bella running over to me and grabbing my shoulders, trying to bring my head up.

"Edward! Are you okay? Look at me!" I pushed her away, retaliation my only goal.

"Dude, stop. I'm not going to fight you." Jasper had his hands up again, a surrender of some sort, but I didn't fucking care.

"What do you mean, you're not going to fight me? I don't think you have a choice, you fucking dickhead," I spat back, advancing as he backed away, his hands now waist level, still fucking surrendering. "How could you fucking do that to her, take advantage like that?"

"I didn't take advantage of shit. I didn't do anything that she didn't want to do first," Jasper replied, and the thought of him doing anything with my sister seethed in my head and the outrage boiled over.

I lunged for him again, connecting with his torso and slamming him into the rock wall behind him. Jasper gasped, the wind knocked out of him, I'm sure. He coughed and I could hear Alice and Bella screaming at me to stop, pleading. I think one of them may have been crying even, but I was too far gone. I wanted to feel my fist split his face. I wanted to see him bleed.

"Do you even know anything about her family, what drugs can do to her? I didn't think so. Just looking for a good lay? Sick, you're fucking sick." I was screaming now, our altercation so loud even people down at the bonfire could hear us. They stopped to see what was happening on the cliff.

I pulled back my fist and punched him square in the eye, the connection sickened with a deafening crack as my fist hit his face.

"Fuck, Edward! I'm not going to hit you back, so fucking knock this shit off! Fuck!" Jasper grabbed his eye, his other arm still in the air.

"You think it's fun to fuck with little girls? She's only sixteen you pedophile fuck. You're so going to prison for this!" I shoved him hard in the chest. "Just a fuck to you, my little sister?" I shouted this last part, frustration making it hard to comprehend what was happening. I pulled back my fist to hit him again, shifting all my bodyweight to my back foot so that my strike would be at optimal force and apply the most damage to that fucker's face.

"Fucking stop, Edward!" Jasper shouted, causing me to pause. "I love-" And when he said that word, that fucking word, the bomb exploded. I had never felt the need to eradicate anything the way I wanted to take Jasper down in that moment. This asshole was going to throw around that word like it just excused his behavior, but to me a further reminder that I was damaged, ruined, love something that I hadn't ever seen in my future. Putting all my strength and bodyweight behind my fist, I punched him right in the fucking face, my fist colliding with the flesh of his cheekbone, the skin splitting underneath the throbbing of my knuckles. Jasper's head snapped back, smacking against the rock wall behind us, the momentum of the punch sending me stumbling forward.

Jasper, stunned and bleeding, slid down the rock wall, slouching onto the ground as Alice ran over to him, pushing me out of the way.

"Jasper?" Alice crouched down beside him, smoothing her hands over his face and pushing his hair behind his ears. "Jasper, fuck, are you okay?"

Jasper rolled his head, looking at Alice only now, a slight slur in his speech. "I love you, Alice. I've wanted to tell you, I just felt like you were embarrassed by me, like maybe that was the real reason behind all the secrecy and shit."

"I'm not embarrassed, I just didn't want you to get your ass kicked." Alice put her arms around Jasper's neck and placed a small kiss on his lips. "I love you, as well," she whispered, pulling him into a more passionate kiss this time, making my stomach churn in disgust.

What the fuck had just happened? Shocked beyond belief, my eyes glazed over and I found myself unable to see the details of their faces anymore as they enjoyed their newly declared affection. I was freaking out, the raw animalistic rage that had just consumed my being was horrifying. But that fucking word, the goddamn trigger, forcing me to realize that I would never be normal, never be whole. Damaged fucking goods, Jasper had exposed and stripped me of any hope of normalcy I had been collecting over the past two months. The fact that this fucking asshole could attain this revered and sanctified emotion, this love, brought forth every ounce of hatred and loathing that had been festering since I had found my parents dead two years ago.

I tried to move my legs, to get the fuck out of there, but my knees weren't working properly and I stumbled backwards, trying to get a bearing on my body. Bella grabbed my hand, pulling me away from the intimacy of their embrace, and I followed her back to where our blankets were still spread out. She bent down, folding up the blankets, looking up at me and asking if I was okay over and over again. I stared right through her, still unsure of the implications of this clusterfuck. Bella collected our shit and grabbed my hand, leading me as we hiked down the mountain.

Jasper loved my sister. It all made sense now. The sneaking around, the walks, tutoring, it all fucking made sense. My own sister didn't want to tell me she'd found love because she thought I was too fucked up to handle it. My own damn sister didn't trust me to be normal. That shit stung, especially now.

I increased in speed, walking ahead of Bella now, my mind reeling from what had happened. That word, what the fuck was with that word. I shouldn't give a shit really. Alice is allowed to be normal, she doesn't have the same fears as I do. She never had, really. And now I had a piece of normalcy in my very abnormal existence, someone that didn't care that I wasn't normal because it was us, it was just us, and it was beautiful. Bella never worried about me accidentally destroying her public image or picking a fight with some guy. I didn't want to see that destroyed, especially by something I couldn't fucking control. I finally had someone, someone I could love, theoretically.

"Edward! Can we slow down? You're walking too fast." I was practically dragging her now, eager to get to the car, and she was out of breath. Slowing down, I leaned over to Bella walking beside me and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, a small amount of my blood smearing into her skin, the vibrant red radiant on her porcelain glow.

Staring at the blood, fucking reveling in how beautiful it looked against her skin, I touched her face, rubbing her cheek with my thumb. I leaned in to smell her hair, reminding me of how it tousled around her face in the throes of ecstasy. And then it was so obvious, I laughed out loud, Bella gazing at me, her lovely chocolate eyes narrowed.

Did I love Bella? The cadence of the statement rang in my ears. I loved every part of her being, even those she chose to keep secret. I loved being with her, our conversations easy and comfortable. I loved that she was so bold, taking her relationship with Charlie into her own hands, intent on following through with her mission and proving to herself that she could do it. I loved touching her, our physical relationship electric and connecting in ways I didn't think was possible.

But it was possible, a possibility realized tonight, the memory of our almost sex a connection not even I could destroy. For one brief moment, Bella and I had been one solitary unit, aligned and conjoined, we had been brave enough to enter into the most physically vulnerable and intimate position. And now, even after that bullshit, after I'd lost complete control and gave in to my instinct for maniacal behavior, she was still here, still connected to me, her hand in mine as we approached the car.

And I fucking knew. When I pulled her into my side, her body forming perfectly against me, I just knew.

I fucking loved Bella Swan.

I stopped abruptly by the car, my hand still in Bella's and she jerked, not expecting my sudden halt. She looked at me, surprised and apprehensive, the worry creased in her eyes, probably thinking I was still freaking out. Meeting her gaze intensely, I just stood there, shocked now by the suddenness of my own conclusion, digesting the intoxicating elation and fucking basking in the afterglow of conviction.

Bella moved to face me, bringing her hands to cradle my face and then prodding my nose with her soft touch. She lightly slid her thumb across my cheek, trying to wipe away the now-dried blood. I pulled her by my shirt into a deep, forceful kiss, my lips violently attacking hers, my hands pulling at the material and pushing her up against the Volvo, the cold metal against her bare skin, and I twisted my hands into the back of the shirt. I was trying to convey so many meanings in this one kiss, the urge to express them all simultaneously and with equal importance fueling my behavior, pushing into her mouth, her head slight thudding against the window as my tongue commanded hers to match my enthusiasm. I poured my every ounce of gratitude into that connection, gratitude for allowing me to feel normal, for giving me an outlet to express my concerns without feeling judged or criminalized, for trusting in me to not become like my father, and proving to me that I might be different, that I deserved different. I was desperate to convey this to her, and I was almost worried I would crush her, my body pinning her against the car. But Bella met my enthusiasm, her mouth moving with mine in quick and fiery undulations of unearthly divination, the urgency and fervor of our mouths matched, equally intent on validation. And I just knew she fucking got it.

Bella smiled as she pulled away from my lips and I released her, my fears abated by my realized adoration. I was a fucking wreck, exhausted and drained, my body already sore from the altercation. I released my grip on the shirt, wrapping my arms around her shoulders instead, and pulled her closer to me, fusing her existence to mine as we stood by the car. Despite the bizarre turn of events, I felt light and jovial as all fuck because I loved Bella, the admittance still fresh in my awareness, and she was comfortably melding to my being. With Bella folded into my side, so close we could be one, I could just be hers. Orbiting with Bella in that stellar dance of avoided destruction, I could just be hers, indefinitely.

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A/N

Gahhhh! I love a good fight...and gnocchi, I fucking LOVE gnocchi... and Stoli! Who loves Stoli? So much love, bb's!

Who Loves Joni? Edward does!

Songs Referenced

All I Want

I Think I Understand

I'm a Lucky Girl

Flight Tonight

And...DISCUSS! (that's the teacher in me)