A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Thirteen - It All Comes Down to You

Darlings,

So real life has been kicking my ass lately. I apologize for the delay in posting, my dears!

Lovely readers, thank you for kind words and personal stories in your reviews and messages.

Amers, once again, you are a brilliant confidante of psychobabble bullshit!

Fabulous beta n7of9, you deserve so many thanks, and hugs, and chocolate, and kitties, and Robward's. I wish I could put all these things in a box and send them to you...

SHIT! I always forget this! Disclaimer: It's not mine!

...


BPOV

What the fuck had just happened?

I was thoroughly enjoying probably the most magical, fiendishly enchanting evening I'd ever experienced, full and brimming with gratification as Edward's body poised above me, his eyes boring into my very soul, connecting, reverberating in my being and dousing my every insecurity and doubt with unyielding acceptance. I felt such empowerment in what I was experiencing with Edward and the physical reception he granted me. I could see his discerning gaze searching my features looking for anything that would cause him to hesitate and I was eager to show him only my firmest resolve, that what we were about to enter into would be an innate and comfortable partnership.

Satisfied in the reassurance he saw in my face, he pushed into me, and I inhaled deeply as my body swelled to accommodate his breadth. Consumed by the sweet satisfaction of the stinging stretch, Edward completely pervaded my being, our hips fused, flesh upon flesh causing a visceral moan to erupt from my lips. I couldn't find the words or the oxygen necessary to form them, but I needed to express to Edward my gratitude for trusting me this way, for making himself so vulnerable considering our fucked up circumstances, so I swiftly began peppering his entire face with soft, wet kisses, my desperation to breathe obvious in my heavy breaths.

And then there was laughter and panic and Edward was gone, tossing shit everywhere. Somehow we were able to cover ourselves and I knew who it was before I even saw them slink round the bend.

Honestly, I didn't know how Edward was going to take the fact that his sister was dating Jasper. The only experience I'd ever had with Edward's temper was when he stormed out of Biology. He only ever showed me a gentle, kind soul and I was wondering at how I might react to angry, violent Edward. Well, I was about to find out.

At first, Edward just looked annoyed. Alice was leading Jasper and some friends, a joint between her ringed fingers, turquoise and pewter jewels decorating her hands, her Doc Marten boots practically skipping around the bend. She had borrowed one of my t-shirts, the rose entwined pistols hugging her frame much more graciously than they did mine, paired with threadbare jeans, holes gaping at her knees and bright red leggings peeking through the tatters. Her shoulders were covered with a large brown velvet blazer, Jasper's bare arms in only a thin, blue v-neck evidence to the true owner of the coat.

Edward was about to approach them and I could practically hear the words he was going to say, but then his entire body language changed. Tense and strained, the muscles in his back and neck visibly flexing, his demeanor darkened. Jasper took the joint from Alice and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing each of them in a silent thank you.

Edward caught on quick, not waiting for an explanation, and I saw the resolve already vibrating in his predatory stance. I tried to stop him by grabbing at his clothing, trying to get him to listen or to calm down, but I don't even think he heard me. He charged at Jasper and I heard Alice scream as Jasper's arm flailed out in unfortunate timing and collided with Edward's face, blood splattering the pair of them.

I ran to Edward to see where the blood was coming from, the coppery odor sending my stomach twisting with nausea, but he pushed me away, his eyes dark with justification. He advanced upon Jasper, backing him against the cliff, all the while accusations spewing from his lips. Jasper didn't want to fight, that was obvious in his defensive manner. It was also obvious that Edward didn't really care.

At first I hoped they would just yell at each other, exchange insults and then come to an understanding, but I soon realized this hope was futile. Edward slammed into Jasper hard, crushing him against the rock wall, a fury of fists and insults until finally Jasper yelled, "Fucking stop, Edward!"

And he did, long enough for Jasper to utter the next two words, "I love-", but Edward didn't let him finish his declaration. In a flail of fury, Edward's eyes blazing in the moonlight and with a majestic power in the arc of his swing, he delivered the concluding blow which sent Jasper into the rock again, his head bouncing off the wall as he slid to the ground. Alice rushed to him as he sprawled on the ground, their confessions of emotion outweighing the pain of the moment. "Love's not puffed up."

I could see Edward's chest heaving and his body trembling as he tried to gain control. He took a step to walk but his knees buckled and he stumbled backwards. I ran to him and grasped his hand, feeling his body release with the connection. I pulled him to the blankets and quickly gathered our stuff, Edward still silent and vacant. Shit! He looked fucking catatonic, staring past me as I asked him over and over if he was okay. He hadn't answered me once, hadn't said anything, his silence festering and nipping at my awareness. Why hadn't he said anything yet? Anxiety was beginning to swell in my chest, tightening in my throat, making it hard to breathe. Fuck! Say something, anything! I silently begged for Edward to respond, to show some sort of recognition or coherent thought while the words of those fucking journal articles I read were swimming around in my head. No! I internally shouted at myself for even thinking about it and eased my hand into his, noticing again the current that flowed between us calmed his trembling, and I led him away through the bend and down the mountain.

Edward was quiet and meditative as we walked, the moonlight streaking off his sharp features in blurs as he started gaining speed down the hill. He would every so often shake his head or exhale sharply as his long legs carried him swiftly. I was struggling to keep up with him, my breath heavy in my chest and tripping slightly as he dragged me down the hill.

"Edward! Can we slow down? You're walking too fast," I pleaded, trying to catch my breath. He pulled me into his side, not stopping but slowing his gait, and placed his lips upon my forehead and it was like he was back again. He touched my face and brought his nose to my hair, reintroducing me to his senses. And then he laughed, a gasping chuckle, quick and sharp.

I gave him a questioning glance but he continued to walk to the car and I readied myself to move to the passenger side, when Edward abruptly stopped. My hand still in his, I jerked back, the sudden stop throwing me off guard and causing questioning eyes to focus on Edward again. He was changing his demeanor so rapidly and alternating between moods that I didn't know the cause for his sudden stop.

He was staring at me, intensity pouring from his gaze and a small, delicate look of contentment playing up on his features. His lips pulled into a small smile and I found myself drowning in his emerald green pools dancing in the moonlight and shining with excitement and revelation. I didn't know what had caused this newfound contentment but I was glad this was the emotion present in his being at this moment. I appraised his face, his eyes no longer vacant but brimming and aware, thick slices of his hair falling to block my view. His nose was swollen, blood splattered across his cheeks, the red splay garnishing his white undershirt.

I brought a hand up to touch his face and feel his nose to gauge his reaction. He just continued to stare, his eyes fighting for my attention when I would focus elsewhere. I wanted to wash his face, the dried blood a reminder of his oscillating behavior, so I used my thumb to try to wipe it away, not really helping in any respect.

Suddenly, Edward grabbed the front of my shirt, thrusting his mouth to encompass mine, his lips and tongue pulsating around my mouth. He pushed into me, moving me back until I felt the bite of cold metal against my lower back which sent a chill thriving through my body. The material of my shirt was twisted in his hands and strained against my body and I seriously thought he might rip the fucking thing, either accidentally or on purpose, I couldn't tell, but the intensity of his kiss was threatening to unravel any shred of decorum I possessed. "He loved me so naughty, made me weak in the knees."

My mouth was working furiously to keep up with his, the swirling of our tongues a torrent of emotion as he pushed more forcefully into me, my head thudding against the window. I wanted to put every ounce of my entire being into Edward, to console him, to care for him, to be everything he needed me to be. And I knew he felt the same. I felt it in the magnitude of our matched fervor, that desire to convey acceptance in the normalcy we had found in each other despite the shit we both had dwelled in for so long.

I pulled away from the kiss, freezing yet ablaze as Edward's arms enveloped me, sucking me in to press against his body. I found myself in the very calm of a storm, a quiet sanctuary intended just for me, a space molded for my body.

Edward released me only when his own teeth began to chatter and he feared I was as cold as he was. He opened my door and helped me in. I was aware that he still hadn't spoken a word about this. He was keeping it all in, secluding himself within his own head, and I had to pull him out. Edward needed to deal with this so that his relationship with his only tie to his parents wouldn't be snipped. Edward adored his sister, something I found incredibly endearing having no siblings of my own, but he now needed to release her, let her relish in her own happiness and individual choices.

I wanted to ask him so many questions as we drove to my house, my curiosity just burning a hole in my restraint. Why did he just kiss me like that? What was he thinking about when we were walking down the trail to the car? Why had he laughed? Did he like the almost sex? Oh my God, was he laughing at the almost sex?I was going to give myself an anxiety attack at the rate the questions were popping into my head. Why did he feel the need to punch Jasper when he mentioned love? This was particularly perplexing because I didn't know why he would care so much about Jasper loving his sister.

I held my questions though, I could tell this wasn't the time for them. Edward held my hand as he drove, never losing contact with my skin. He drove quickly, the highway a blur as we sped toward Forks. I almost dozed off a couple of times but Edward's thumb would rub into my skin or he'd rearrange his fingers in mine and the connection would restart my awareness, pulling me from the frothy lull of unconsciousness.

When we pulled into my driveway he quickly got out and opened my door for me. He clasped my hand to help me from the vehicle, again our skin in constant contact, and walked us to the front door. I unlocked it and crept inside, pulling Edward along with me. The living room was absent of the blue-green glow of the television set and I motioned for Edward to wait in the foyer. I walked into the living room to find it empty, an eerie sensation creeping up my neck as I walked to the floor lamp and clicked on the light. The couch was empty, the afghan folded over the back of it. Only faintly aware of the pounding in my chest, I walked into the kitchen and flicked the switch to illuminate that room too. Nothing out of place, the table where normal families shared meals was covered in stacks of paperwork and fishing line. I searched the table for a note or something, anything indicating where Charlie would be so late in the night.

"Bella? What's going on?" Edward followed me into the kitchen and moved to the sink, running the tap and splashing his face with water. "Where's Charlie?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know?" I spat. I was pissed. No fucking note or anything? What the hell? "Maybe he's in his room?" I stomped up the stairs, irritated and anxious to find out where the hell he was. I rounded the corner to find his room dark. He was definitely gone, like, not in the house.

Edward made his way up the stairs and I moved to stand at the landing. "He's fucking gone! What the fuck? Where the hell did he go?" I was yelling, my hands on my hips and panicking at the implications, my mother's frantic voice in my head, "He's gone."

I knew I was overreacting and I was probably acting a little like a four year old, but this was highly uncharacteristic of the man who recently had heart surgery and was barely cleared to drive a car alone, never mind stay out until midnight. Torn between fear and irritation, I stormed into my room to change into my sweats, my stupid tight pants cutting off my circulation and proving once again that dressing up once in a while was going to kill me. I freed my legs from the confines of the pants and sighed out loud with relief. I wadded up the denim into a ball and tossed it in the corner.

"Nice, um, shirt." I heard a chuckle from my doorway, Edward smirking just inside the moonlit room. He was leaning against the doorframe holding out a slip of paper in his fingers. "It was taped to your door."

I flicked on the light, a bit self conscious of the fact that I was standing in front of Edward wearing only my underwear and his button-up shirt, and pulled the paper from his fingers.

Bella,

At the hospital for some tests.

I might have to stay the night.

Call Carlisle if you need anything.

Why don't you have your cell phone?

Charlie

I frowned at the note, a slow pressure festering in my chest. Tests? He had said everything was fine earlier today and I'm sure he hadn't mentioned more tests. Why hadn't he mentioned it?

"What does it say?" Edward asked, moving closer and smoothing my hair behind my ear. His fingers trailed the skin of my neck and over my shoulder, lightly wrapping them in the fabric of my collar.

"He's at the hospital, for more tests," I said, handing him the note. Edward pulled the note from my hand and glanced over it, his lips pursed in contemplation.

Seeing the scowl which had taken over my features, he leaned in to press his lips to my nose. "Let's call Carlisle."

I was glad he suggested it because I didn't want to admit out loud that I was slightly freaking out about this. I nodded instead, moving to find the cell phone Renee had given me before I came to Forks. The battery had been dead for about a month but I hadn't really seen any reason to recharge it until now. I plugged the phone into the wall and turned it on.

The small screen lit up. Two missed calls, one from an unknown number, the other Renee. From a week ago. I laughed out loud at the absurdity. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and she just now tried to call, or the fact that it didn't seem to bother her when she did call and couldn't get through.

"Huh! My mom called," I mused out loud.

"Your mom? Is she in Phoenix?" Edward asked before he sat on my bed, and I had to think about that for a moment. Was she still in Phoenix? I didn't even know. She was supposed to be moving to Florida at some point. Had she already left? Would my mother leave for fucking Florida and not tell me? I had to shelve this shit for later though, my initial concern more prevalent in urgency.

"I don't know," I shrugged. I handed him my charging phone, the device tethered to the wall, and he swiftly dialed Carlisle's number as I anxiously waited.

"Carlisle?" Edward spoke into the phone. I sat down on the bed across from him, folding my legs beneath me. "Yeah, we're here now."

"Oh. Okay." Edward kept my gaze, a small smile on his lips. "Yeah, no problem," he answered Carlisle's question. "She's okay." More agonizing quiet. "Of course, Carlisle, Jesus." Edward shrugged and rolled his eyes and I had to smile at the irony of the normal behavior despite the abnormal circumstances we constantly seemed to find ourselves in.

"I will. Thanks." Edward disconnected, setting the phone on the nightstand. "So, Charlie is having some sleep tests done, I guess something to do with the sleep apnea. He has to stay overnight so they can monitor him."

I nodded, still perplexed as to why he hadn't mentioned it earlier. I mean, it's not like he didn't have the opportunity and with his omission of information, I felt that familiar pang of his indifference.

"Umm, Carlisle also asked if you would be okay here…alone." Edward glanced at me, his lashed eyes apprehensive and gauging and I hoped it was some kind of humor he was attempting.

"I don't plan on being here alone," I said, rolling my eyes. A slow smile spread across Edward's face as he reveled in his mocking.

"Good answer." Edward leaned across the small space and tugged at my lips, slow and tortuous, small sensual kisses that burned into my skin.

He brought his hands to my hair, smoothing the tangled mess especially awry because of the salty sea exposure. He searched all of my features, something different shining in his gleam, something new and purposeful, beckoning him to adjust his gaze. If I was going to get any answers tonight it was going to be out of that gaze, so I cautiously formulated my inquiries.

"How does your nose feel?" I asked him, genuinely concerned. His nose was slightly swollen, but definitely not as bad as last time.

"It's fine. Just sore, it's not broken or anything," he responded, his fingers connecting the freckles on my thigh and making logical or coherent thought highly impossible. I wondered if he was making it difficult to focus on purpose, as if he knew what conversation was about to take place and was trying to divert my attention elsewhere.

Well, it worked. We sat silent in this position, Edward tracing the three freckles over and over again, a triangle of distraction prominent in his contemplation. My questions still pounded in my head and I was getting ready to suck it up and just ask, when Edward beat me to it.

"Did you know?" Edward continued his tracing, gazing at the imaginary patterns on my leg. Fuck! I knew what he was asking about and the deceiver in me wanted to use the fact that he hadn't specified to my advantage, another long term side effect of self preservation.

I wanted to say no but I had obliged myself to complete honesty and I would deal with the shit that came with that pact. So I took a deep breath and nodded a quick 'yes'. Edward's finger faltered slightly as he accepted this information.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he questioned further, assuming the role I had planned for myself.

"Alice was my friend first," I stated simply, recalling the promise I had made in the school day-smoking restroom. "I promised."

Edward gazed at me intently, either because he didn't believe me or because he was unaware of the depth of my relationship with Alice. I had only known her an extra week, but I felt the solidification of our camaraderie in that first day.

"I can understand that," he said finally, his eyes focused on my freckles again. "I just don't understand why she couldn't tell me. I mean, I'm her family. It's unlike Alice to have secrets. Why now? Why this?"

I knew Alice had her reasons for keeping the relationship from Edward. We had discussed it on our days spent in the restroom, yet I felt it was something Edward needed to hear from her, something she needed to explain to him, because it coming from my lips might alter the meaning.

I also knew that Alice's reasons were similar to my own reasons for withholding from Edward and after his reaction tonight, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared to all hell of what he would do when he found out my secret. I gave him my own rationalizations instead and although they mirrored Alice's, my own frame of mind was prevalent in my explanation.

"Sometimes people need to figure shit out on their own first and then when they're good and ready they can share the information with whomever they choose." I judged his reaction to my justified rambling. Edward listened intently, speculation in his facial features. "Maybe Alice didn't want to tell you until she was sure it was something worth discussing," I mused.

Edward remained quiet and pensive, geometric quandaries still in the movements of his fingers. I added this next statement quickly, knowing he wouldn't be able to let this one slip by without questioning it, "And I know when people are prone to certain reactions, it might make others nervous to tell them something they don't want to hear."

At this, Edward withdrew his hand from my skin. His eyes focused on mine and I could tell he had digested the statement.

"What do you mean, prone to certain reactions?" Edward asked quietly. I realized he thought I was talking about the schizophrenia and quickly tried to clarify.

"I just mean how overprotective you are, how you assumed that Jasper was just with her for sex, that he was the one pushing the drugs on her, how you think she can't take care of herself. She's sixteen, Edward, you don't have to make her lunch anymore." I took his hand in mine. "I know you think it's your job to take care of her, and that is beautiful, honestly, it is very commendable. But she can do this, Edward, have a little confidence in her decisions. Show her that she has your love no matter what she decides to do. That's really all she needs anyways."

"I know, Bella. I know everything you're saying. It's just hard, you know, to step out of this role. I guess I've just always been trying to give her the father she never had." Edward picked at my fingers now, tracing the nail bed of each digit as he spoke.

"But you're not her father. And why would you want to be? Parents fuck up all the time, Edward. Look at my parents, they've both completely failed at parenthood. Either that, or I must be exceptionally forgettable, out of sight out of mind, right?" I snorted, looking at my hands intertwined with Edwards, thinking of Renee's missed call, her one fucking attempt to remember that I existed.

I mean, yes, Charlie was trying now, now that he was forced with the knowledge of my existence. It didn't make up for the seven years that I was left wounded and bleeding, seven years of feeling like I wasn't worthy of attention or acknowledgment, seven years of thinking that I didn't deserve to be loved.

"Your father loves you Bella," Edward said quietly. "And he's around, even if not in the way you want him to be. It's possible he always was and you just never knew it."

My head snapped up, meeting Edward's gaze in disconcertment. "Why…why would you say that? Who… I mean, what do you mean?" I stuttered.

"Well, Carlisle knew where to find you, so Charlie must have told someone about you, right?" Edward shrugged slightly. "Or, maybe you were on his emergency contact list or something. Either way, he didn't forget about you."

I let this logic fill my brain and push against all my preconceived notions about my father. I tried to dispute it, letting it crash against any and every excuse I had to not accept it, but the truth was, I just didn't know. I had no proof either way and now, where conviction once stood fixed, I was left with doubt.

"Did you know my father can cook?" I muttered to Edward, the doubt beginning to invade, allowing all the memories of Charlie to slowly seep into me.

"Yeah, actually I did kind of know that. He used to barbeque for us all the time," Edward said quietly.

"He can make marinara too. And he used to make me pastina when I was sick," I said, slow tears beginning to brim in my eyelids as I forced the memory into consciousness.

"He can fix cars too. I'm pretty sure he restored my truck. He always smelled like tobacco and grease, and I used to love the way he smelled." I choked out the words, causing the tears to stream and my chest to swell, and I found myself grieving the loss of that scent, that intangible tie to my father that I had searched and searched for.

"And he plays the guitar," I added, the tears overflowing as the memories cascaded through my mind. "He used to sit in that rocking chair and play The Beatles or The Eagles, but mostly Joni Mitchell. The Circle Game was his favorite and I knew every fucking word to that song by the time I was five. He'd make me sing, joining me with the chorus and reminding me when I'd forget the lyrics." And the memory caused my hair to stand on end, goosebumps prickling up all over my arms and legs and flooding my heart with the lyrics of my soul, "It's the warmest chord I ever heard."

Edward pulled me to him, wrapping me in strong arms, his hands soothing on my back and neck, his lips on my cheeks and eyes and nose. He pulled us down to lie on the bed, his body still encompassing mine. He massaged his hand into my back, running the length of my spine to the nape of my neck, soothing my tired mind and soul until the tears dried and my wet and salty face ached from the release and, entwined on my bed, we both allowed the exhaustion of the night to bathe us in tranquil rest.

…

I could see him in the distance, winding up the path with a curiously quick gait, his coppery hair curling on his neck. The salty chill in the air caused my entire body to prickle with desire as I struggled to follow, tripping over rocks, the skin curling on my palms, the sting of the abrasions acutely satisfying. My heart was pounding in my chest, my breath pulsing in rasps as Edward glanced over his shoulder, tossing me a smile from his ruby lips, his emeralds sparkling in the summer sun, reflecting the light like jade embers scorching into my soul and blinding any apprehension.

He disappeared over the crest of the mountain as the path suddenly increased in steepness and I had to use my hands to climb the almost vertical wall of debris. Dust in my hair and mouth, my fingers and toes aching with persistence, I finally breached the summit of the mountain to find Edward at the edge of the cliff overlooking the violent angry spray of current amid rock, the battle for control apparent in the struggle.

Edward stood with outstretched arms and lifted his face to the sun, allowing the rays to bathe his flesh in radiant adoration. He was waiting for me. With firm resolve I attached myself to him, clinging to his neck with my arms and wrapping my legs around his waist as his arms folded to encompass me, pulling me into him and melding our bodies as one. As I closed my eyes and buried my faced into his chest, he stepped off the cliff and we found ourselves fused and falling, an orbit of complimentary destruction as the universe pulled and pushed at our connection, my arms fatigued and strained and denying the compulsion to be ripped from his entity. His arms tightened around me as the inviting ocean approached and one phrase slipped from my lips just before the icy spray swallowed us up. "Edward, I love you."

I jolted awake, reaching out to catch myself, the falling sensation evident in my still present vertigo. My face was covered in a fine sheen of moisture, my chest heaving with the frantic need for oxygen.

"Bella?" Edward was awake, one of my books in his hand. I was lying on his chest, his shirt still damp from my late night lament. I sat up, my head spinning, looking around the lamp-lit room, the dull light casting an orange glow and basking everything in sepia toned luminance. I inspected Edward lying on my bed, his face creased and perplexed, his hands reaching up to wipe my brow. "Are you okay?"

I couldn't stop staring at his face, his perfectly angular features, reminiscent of an artist's rendition of the human form, and I recognized what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I loved Edward, the dream still thick in my perception, I knew it immediately. Flashes of my dream were fading from recollection now, Edward holding me to him, craving my body to be fused with his, and I had to bring myself closer to him. I ran my hands up his stomach and over his chest, crawling onto his lap, an exhale sighing from his lips as they parted, and his eyes closing as I reached my fingers into his hair to massage his scalp.

Pulling his lips to mine I kissed him, slow and deliberate, his nectarous skin still smelling of the salty vapor, every push of my tongue flush with desire and force as he slid his arms around the middle of my back. "Bella? What's wrong?" he asked, pulling from the kiss and still questioning my strange behavior.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything is right, very, very right," I smiled, the pain of the craving from my dream still bleeding in my brain, and I couldn't let that need dissipate. I pushed my mouth on his once again, the pressure of his hands sprawled across my behind, the stretchy fabric of my underwear pulling under his gripping fingers. He pulled from the embrace, his lips moving to my jaw and neck, little licks and nips jolting that pulsing greed deep in my belly and blending between my legs. I ground myself down onto his lap, feeling his hardness beneath me, my body reacting with copious moisture.

Edward moved his hands to unbutton my shirt, his lips on my neck, creeping his way to my chest as he opened the shirt, his hands gripping my breasts still confined by this silly bra, pulling down the material to lick the hardened pink flesh. I rocked my hips, uncontrollably desiring that friction and groaned as the cool air hit my skin, chilling the area previously occupied by Edward's tongue.

He brought his hands to fold around my hips, his green portals boring into my eyes as I continued to rock my hips, grinding down onto him and bringing my mouth to taste the skin of his jaw, low throaty groans coming from his lips. I reached down to this waistband, unbuttoning his jeans and trying to pull the fabric from his hips.

"A little help here?" I asked breathlessly as he laughed, lifting his hips so I could shimmy down the denim to just below his hips, too impatient to remove his pants completely.

"So, do you always wake up so…spirited?" Edward asked in a low, hushed voice. He brought his lips again to my neck and shoulder, slow moist kisses interrupting my thought process, his hands back on my hips, pulling at my underwear.

"Maybe," I responded, a playful smile upon my lips, every inch of my skin burning with anticipation. "Do you?" I reached down to pull his hard dick from the confines of his boxers, wrapping my hand around his length and slowly pulling with every rock of my hips.

"Fuck, Bella. You have no idea how that feels. There are no words." Edward rested his head against the skin of my cheek. I swear the word fuck had never sounded so beautiful as when it came from Edward's lips . His low voice sent my body aching for his touch, the pressure slowly building begging to be satiated.

"I think I have some idea," I responded. I reached down to pull his hand from my hip and placed it between my legs, guiding his hand to push my panties aside. I sighed with satisfaction as his fingers came into contact with the warm, pulsing flesh.

"Bella!" he exclaimed in a deep groan. "Fuck, that is…just spectacular." I grinned at his description and leaned back so he could have a better angle. He massaged my skin and pushed his fingers into me, grazing my clit, the intense spark of pleasure causing further undulations to roll through my body, and I longed for that greater connection, that unifying of body and soul, our very spirits mingling in pure ecstasy. Edward quickened his fingers, causing me to moan out loud, the sound of my voice shocking in the silence of the house, and I felt the building ache begin to crest. I leaned forward to slow the release, bringing my forehead to his so I could inhale his scent. The smell of Edward's skin was briny and crisp from our excursion to the beach and I was reminded of our earlier connection, and remembering how it felt, the security of the unifying act, made me want to feel him inside me again, a renewed surge of desire spiking through my core and radiating into every fiber of my being.

I pulled away from him, slipping the messy cotton underwear from my hips. Edward's eyes, the green of the ocean dark with lust, fixated on me the whole time, moving from my hips to my belly, lingering on my breasts and finally to my face. I dove into those ocean eyes, wanting and conductive, transmitting a multitude of emotions and he was the most beautiful, fucking ethereal thing I'd ever seen and I had to tell him, let him know how the very sight of him caused me to stop and marvel.

I moved to lay beside Edward, running my fingers along his face, his jaw covered in stubble and his delicious lips slightly agape. "Edward," I pulled his face to mine, tasting his full mouth, "Edward…God, I love your lips," I could hardly speak between the frantic kisses. I pulled him on top of me and lifted his bloodstained white shirt over his head, pushing his pants and boxers off his legs with my feet. I kissed his chest, the softness of fine hair and the paleness of his skin enticing as he struggled to help me rid him of his clothing, running my hands all over the muscles of his stomach and chest. "I love touching you," I said, my brain unable to stop my mouth from spewing my every thought.

"I love you touching me," he responded with a small chuckle, removing the remainder of the cumbersome clothing. There was no hesitation this time, no reservations about what would happen or how it would feel, just pure need and anticipated fulfillment, easy and comfortable.

Crawling back on top of me, he gazed intently into my eyes, his hand moving to push the hair out of my face. "Bella, you're so beautiful," he whispered, bringing his lips to mine as his words danced in my brain. I could feel his erection pressed against my inside thigh, and breathing became difficult as the anticipation caused thrill and excitement to clench at my chest. I reached down to feel him, to move him into prime position, and without further direction Edward pushed himself into me, my skin stretching to accommodate his width, my body tight around him and we groaned in unison, causing a soft giggle to slip from my lips at our mutual satisfaction in this initial thrust of warmth flooding and filling me. Edward smiled as he pulled my lips to his, our tongues patient and rolling, his hips pushing deeper into me. I gasped into his mouth, my body broadening with a delicate strain, but I could feel him inside me now, sliding and trembling. I wanted to feel every part of him as I moved my hips in small circles, trying to force myself onto him completely. I clutched at his back, my fingers digging into his muscular frame as our breaths became more strained, a harmony of noisy pants and grunts.

"I need you closer," I said desperately, the pressure of Edward's body connected to mine eliciting the need for a quicker, deeper friction. Edward's lips moved down my neck to my shoulder and I tangled my legs around his waist, the shift pressing him against my sensitive swollen flesh, the contact causing a spark of intense and powerful pleasure to jolt through me, my head rolling back as I moaned loudly and brought my fingers to tangle in Edward's hair.

"Holy fuck!" Edward muttered breathlessly, and I mirrored his sentiment. He brought his hand to my side, and I giggled, his fingers tickling my skin. "What's wrong?" he asked and stopped his movements.

"Nothing, I'm just ticklish, that's all." Edward grinned at this admission and slowly grazed his hand across my side again, eliciting another squirming jolt, the movement causing Edward to rub inside me in a particularly sensitive space of skin and I gasped, shocked at this new point of titillation, my eyes widening in surprise. "Shit! Oh, my God, that is unbelievable."

"You are so fucking adorable," Edward dropped his head and breathed into my chest, taking my barely exposed nipple in between his lips as I relished in this new sensation. I yearned for the feeling again and again as I raked my hands through his hair and pulled slightly as he rocked into me, using my legs to pull him further, my thigh muscles burning and throbbing as they tightened around his waist.

He began to move quicker now, like the tide of the ocean, each thrust a wave of tingles flooding over my skin and pulsing where we connected. We moved together easily, our bodies rippling in synchronization, breathing in heaves and gasps, low and whispered profanities filling the quiet. "So good, Bella, you just feel so fucking good, and warm and just fucking right," Edward whispered.

I responded with a lame "I know," but he had expressed my thoughts exactly. "Like we were made to fit together," I added breathlessly.

Edward moved in and out of me with fervor, my mind spinning and disbelieving that this was really happening and that it was really, really incredible. Each time Edward crashed into me I felt myself tighten around him, a sensation I couldn't even control, and I was surprised at how easy it was to not be in control of this. I was elated in the sense of satisfaction, the pure satiation filling the void inside of me. For the first time in my life I felt right, like I was exactly as I should be, because I fit so well with Edward like this, our connection seamed beautifully together, the rich fabric encompassing our bodies in sweet bliss and blanketing the experience with pure contentment.

The pressure spiraled and swirled within me now, the flesh surrounding Edward pulsing and tightening as my breathing became more erratic and gasping. I didn't want to speak or breathe for fear the feeling would subside. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist, lifting my body closer to him, one arm supporting him above me, my body completely wrapped around him in every capacity, and he moved with increased fervor, pushing and pulling,"Input, output, electricity."

I could feel the impending orgasm mounting and I reveled in the build, crying out to any deity that would listen, unable to control my voiced pleasure as I succumbed to the unraveling, my groin just throbbing and straining against him.

Just as the intensity of my spasm was subsiding, the shockwaves still vibrating against him, Edward pulled out and came on my belly. With a low "Fuck…" moaning from his lips, the warm sticky liquid ran down my sides, tickling my skin and filling my belly button, his dick pulsing on my stomach as the force of his body pressed our skin together.

I figured he didn't want to do that inside of me for fear of procreation, but he didn't know that was not an option for me, my body no longer engaging in the reproductive cycle. Pregnancy required ovulation, something my body no longer did. I couldn't really explain this to him without disclosing other information first but I felt he'd been deprived of a part of this experience that was particularly important. The culmination had to have been less gratifying for him and not that I minded the fluid splayed across my stomach, but I desperately wanted his fluid inside me, combining that part of him with me and quite literally absorbing a portion of him to stay with me always.

Edward collapsed beside me, breathing quietly and basking in contentment. I turned to face him and just beamed, the only response I could think of.

He smiled back, running his hands over his face and then through his tangled hair, the humid salty air at the beach having caused it to curl profusely around his face and the nape of his neck.

"Edward, it's okay, you didn't have to do that. You could have done it inside me, I'm not going to get pregnant." I didn't offer the reason why, but I would if he asked.

Edward looked at me perplexed and for a split second I panicked with the thought that he was actually going to ask me why, that I would be forced to stick to my honesty pact, and I would have to explain on the day that I first made love to him, I'd have to destroy him with this information. The thought quite ironically turned my stomach in self-disgust.

"Good to know," Edward said, pursing his lips a moment. "For future encounters, that is." He got up off the bed and grabbed his white t-shirt, swiftly cleaning my stomach, carefully sopping up the fluid before folding the shirt and using it on his own sticky untidiness. "This shirt is trash anyway," he said, shrugging his shoulders and causing a smile to creep upon my face, his buoyant demeanor just so damn adorable as he cleaned us up, still completely naked.

"I'm going to shower," I said, glancing at the clock. Four forty-five. I had no idea what time Charlie would be home and I did not want to be smelling of sex when he got here, but I didn't want Edward to leave either, not without some kind of verbal resolution of the evening's events. "Don't leave yet," I commanded, pointing my finger at him. I was suddenly feeling very insecure realizing I had no underwear on and I was going to have to walk out of the room. Edward, sensing my unease, tossed me my panties and I pulled them on, thankful Edward seemed to be able to read my expressions so readily.

"Um, I don't think that will be a problem seeing as how I'll be needing my shirt back now that my other one has been disposed of." Edward eyed the button up shirt still around my shoulders, the pink and black torture device still crushing my chest. It had been purchased by my mother a year ago and this was the second time I had worn it. I had only packed it because it still had tags and I couldn't bring myself to throw it out with tags, it had just seemed such a waste. Plus, it was kind of pretty, the pink gauzy fabric corseted and trimmed in black lace and bows.

"Well, then I'm taking it with me so you can't leave," I responded, wrapping the shirt around me and grabbing some incidentals as I left the room to shower.

I washed and lathered, anxious to get back to Edward, anxious as to what he was discovering about me as he sat alone in my bedroom. I wondered why he had been reading instead of sleeping when I had woken up, and I basked in the many revelations that had happened this evening, all the while indulging in the hot spray of the water as it streamed onto my scalp and down my back, washing away all the evidence, the textures, the smells, the tastes, the very essence of what we had experienced. I swiftly dried my body and toweled my hair, pulling on my sweats and stones t-shirt, not even bothering to brush my hair, simply pulling it into a wet bun. I knew I would pay for this decision later but for now Edward time was far more valuable than the time it would take me to detangle this infuriating mess later on.

I rushed to the bedroom to find Edward sitting in the rocking chair reading that same book. He was wearing his jeans now and my fucking AC/DC t-shirt which looked ludicrously small on him, the hemline well above his belly button. I laughed out loud, the sight of Edward in my shirt so ridiculous I could hardly breathe.

"What?" he asked, his eyebrows creasing in feigned nonchalant inquiry as I practically collapsed from the lack of oxygen.

"Oh…my…God, that is…the funniest…," I couldn't even get the words out, I was laughing so hard my side started to cramp. "You have to wear that all day now."

I threw him his button up shirt and he grinned, pulling the shirt on over the tee and buttoning it. I watched his fingers work, the impish grin still on his lips. Walking over to him and desperate to show my love for this silly boy, I placed a small kiss on his hand. His hands stopped their work and he looked at me, surprisingly frowning and catching me off guard.

"What's wrong?" I asked, worried some negative secondary emotion had invaded while I had been in the shower.

"This will not do at all," he said, motioning to my hair. "I was compelled to run my fingers through your hair and now I can't. What the fuck is up with that?"

I laughed again, my initial concern abated. "Well, I was afraid you were rifling through my drawers or something. It seems I had cause for concern," I said, pulling at my shirt on him.

"Where's your brush?" Edward asked, pulling my hair free from the twisting band, his hands smoothing my wet hair down my back and around my face.

"Bathroom," I answered, pathetically excited at Edwards fingers in my hair. Before Edward could move I ran to the bathroom and got the brush, returning to find Edward still seated in the rocking chair.

He motioned for me come sit with him, grasping my hand when I got close enough and pulling me to sit on the floor between his legs. I sat on my knees, my ankles crossed underneath me, and Edward brought his hands to my hair, his fingers grazing my neck as he collected all the rogue tendrils and pulled the brush through the tangles, carefully and gently not allowing the knots to cause strain on my scalp. Tingles of electricity skimmed over the surface of my scalp, down the skin of my back and arms as he continued to detangle my locks, and I closed my eyes, drowsiness pulling at my eyelids and I continued to nod off until he finished, not concluding until every last tangle had been worked through.

This small gesture reaffirmed my love for him, for his cultivating nature, his only goal in this life to provide others with nourishment. He did it with his cooking, offering others sustenance and expecting nothing in return, not even love, believing himself undeserving and damaged, his demonic bomb forever the culprit. I wanted to provide that same feeling for him, help him see that he is so worthy and deserving of it all. I wanted to selfishly wrap him in this love, keep him to myself and never let him function outside it. Of course, this wasn't feasible and I settled on kissing him instead, turning my head upward to ask for a declaration upon my lips. Edward responded, slow and sweet, his lips pressing to mine.

He pulled away and gazed at me intently. "You love me you know." He said it with such conviction I was seriously starting to think divination ran in the family.

"Oh really? And how did you stumble upon this information, might I ask?" I responded, turning to face him now.

"Oh please, Bella, it's all over your face. You're so easy to read, like a motherfucking Judy Blume book." He squinted his eyes, bringing his face very close to mine and trailed his finger across the bridge of my nose. "See, says so right there, I love Edward Cullen."

I snorted, "Judy Blume, huh? Is that your choice of literature, Superfudge?"

"Hey, don't knock Fudge. That little dude's hilarious." Edward grinned at me, sliding off the rocking chair and joining me on the floor, pulling my hand to his lips and gently kissing my fingers. "Besides the fact you're an open book," he whispered, "you're also a sleep-talker."

My face flushed with red and I knew that I had said it during the dream, the catalyst for my realization and my apparent voiced declaration.

"Well, you love me too," I said, not meeting his eyes in case my assumption was denied.

Edward sighed, his fingers on my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. "Truly, I do," he said softly, goosebumps exploding onto my skin and tears brimming in my eyes. In a most magical, most spectacular display, Edward pulled my face to his and gave me the tiniest of pecks forcing the streams down my cheeks, causing my chest to swell and pulse, my lungs having a difficult time expanding because this kiss was so much more than a mere peck. This kiss wasn't filled with desire or lust or pain or urgency. This kiss was so much more meaningful than any of the others because he really meant it and so did I.

This kiss meant I love you.

…

EPOV

That kiss meant I love you. And I gave it to her. I fucking gave her a tiny little kiss filled with the most powerful emotion I think I'd ever felt, diffusing even the hate and disgust that had encompassed me during my fight with Jasper. I loved her when she was crying about her father, her reminiscing difficult for me to hear but I thirsted for it anyway, the desire to know her that little bit more ever present. I loved her when I couldn't sleep, Bella's words too encompassing to allow my mind to rest and then, when she had whispered it, "Edward, I love you," I felt my love for her fucking explode, a solar flare blasting any doubt or hesitancy from my being. I loved her when we were making love, the fucking most amazing thing I've ever experienced, better than porn, better than running, better than fucking mushroom ravioli in a buttery basil sauce with sautéed pine nuts.

Making love to Bella was a high I'd never before felt, a fulfillment I didn't think capable, and she had given herself to me, so brave and vulnerable, so passionate and free in her actions, I couldn't help but feel undeserving. And she loved me, the sound of her voice reverberating in my mind, she fucking loved me.

It was seven thirty in the morning and I was driving home from Bella's house. She had fallen asleep about seven but I had a hard time convincing myself to leave for a few reasons. Primarily, I wanted to be with her, even if she was asleep, I just wanted to be near her. I loved listening to her breathe as she slept, her chest rising and falling in peaceful ease as I ran my fingers through her hair. I loved that shit.

Secondly, I didn't really want to see Alice. I was worried she'd be pissed and, after talking to Bella, I knew I was going to have to apologize to her. I didn't have to accept or forgive Jasper just yet, and I knew I was going to eventually, but I was still pissed at the fucker. I did have to accept my sister, not for any reason other than she was my sister and this was not the worst thing we'd been through together. But shit, did she have a temper when she was pissed. It was best to steer clear of her until she cooled off.

Lastly, Carlisle was going to give me the fucking third degree. When I had talked to him he had mentioned the fact that he knew I had a physical relationship with Bella and that even though he didn't know the extent of it, he really wasn't expecting me home tonight. I rolled my eyes and blew him off but now I was going to have to tell him about it. He was going to ask all kinds of doctor questions, like did I wear a condom, and I was going to have to tell him no, but that it was cool, because I pulled out and I was pretty sure Bella was on the pill. I made a mental note not to use the words "pretty sure" when I discussed this with Carlisle. I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed, I just didn't like having to explain shit, especially when the shit included sex and Bella.

When I got home, the house was remarkably quiet. I didn't know what I was fucking expecting, but this silence was not it. I walked into the kitchen, the room clean and empty. I listened for a television set or radio or anything that would signify the presence of people, but I didn't hear anything. I climbed the stairs to my room, pausing on the second floor to find Alice's door closed. She was probably sleeping, a closed door usually meant stay the fuck out.

Maybe everyone was still asleep. I had to admit, I would have been too if it weren't for the fact that I was just getting home. I turned the corner and climbed the second set of stairs, dragging my feet, the effects of exhaustion now weighing on me. I was fully intent on taking a fucking shower and passing the hell out, but when I entered my room, a small form was curled up on my bed.

Alice was asleep on my bed, her tarot cards and astrology papers sprawled around her. I moved silently to the bed, picking up one of the papers to read it. Scrawled across the top of the page it said 'Jasper Hale, October 13th, Libra', followed by a large wheel decorated with various symbols and lines, confusing as all hell. Underneath the wheel were various details concerning his personality traits and some shit. She had a paper just like this for each of us, even Bella, everyone important in her life, she had chronicled their personality traits, their strengths and weaknesses, even those that were most compatible.

Alice had invested hours and hours into this, it meant that much to her, and I realized then how much Jasper meant to her. Shit, if this fucker meant that much to her, my hands were pretty much tied here. I would have to befriend the asshole, who I actually only thought was an asshole because I had assumed he was trying to snake my girl and push drugs onto my sister. Now that I knew the truth, some of the hatred dissipated and I was left with just genuine dislike. Baby steps, right?

Grabbing some clothes, I went to the bathroom to take my shower. Exhaustion was threatening to take over and I'm pretty sure I washed my hair twice because I couldn't remember if I had already done it. Ready to pass out, I let Alice sleep on my bed and crashed on my couch, the cushions welcoming me as I drifted off to a comfortable dreamless sleep.

…

I awoke disoriented, unsure where I was at first, the couch not being my primary place of slumber, and having spent the majority of the night at Bella's, not knowing what time it was. My back was sore as fuck, my face felt about the size of a dinner plate, and the knuckles of my right hand were swollen and scabbed from pummeling Jasper's face. I sat up, glancing at my bed and finding it clear of any evidence Alice had been sleeping there surrounded by her data, the occult, mystical evidence to state her case in favor of Jasper, I'm sure.

Running my hands through my hair, I left my room, ready for the hailstorm of shit that awaited me below. As I walked down the stairs I could hear Emmett playing his XBox, the wail and merciless cries of festering zombies screaming from the television set in the family room which meant I was not going to be able to get to the kitchen without crossing his path first.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty," Emmett said as I stumbled into the family room, his eyes fixated on the screen. "Jesus dude, it's fucking after two. I was getting ready to go lay a big wet one on you."

"Bring it baby, what are you waiting for? Gimme the wet one, please," I responded dryly, trying to get by without a mention of last night. I was pretty sure everyone in the fucking house knew about the Jasper thing by now.

"Please! You couldn't handle this big wet one," Emmett scoffed, never missing a beat, with a big goofy grin on his face. He loved this type of banter. Any time he got to talk about his own dick, he was thrilled.

I walked into the kitchen. Esme was at the counter, pouring water into the coffee pot. This meant that Carlisle would be home soon, Esme preparing for their after work coffee break.

"Edward!" she exclaimed when she saw me enter the room. "How are you today? How was the bonfire? Did Bella have a good time?" Okay, either she really didn't know what had happened or she was really good at pretending she didn't. I walked over to kiss her on the cheek before opening the fridge, looking for something to eat. I was fucking starving, my stomach on the verge of digesting itself if I didn't eat something soon.

"We had a good time, I think. I showed Bella the tide pools. That was cool." I was searching for a chicken parmesan sandwich I knew I had put in here yesterday, knocking shit out of my way. If Emmett fucking ate my sandwich, I swear to God, I was going to microwave his XBox.

"Are you looking for your sandwich? Check the crisper. I hid it in there so Emmett wouldn't eat it," Esme said. I opened the crisper and sure enough, there it was.

"Thanks," I muttered, placing the sandwich in the microwave. "Um, so where's Alice?"

Esme turned back to the coffee maker. "She's out with Jasper Hale, I think. They went to Port Charles for lunch." Well, that was fucking quick. But then I thought, what if it were Bella and I and the roles were reversed? Would I want to waste one fucking day without her? Not a chance in hell.

The microwave dinged, pulling me from my introspective quandaries and drawing attention to the now warm, cheesy chicken and marinara conglomeration available for my consumption. Esme stared at me while I ate, the look of concern and contentment contradicting in her gaze.

"Edward, I'm just going to say that she's your sister and she deserves to be happy." So, really good at pretending then. I stopped chewing, realizing that I might as well call a big fucking family meeting and spill my guts to everyone around the dinner table. I didn't want to have to relive this misery five times today.

Instead, I forced a grin, my mouth full, and nodded. She smiled back and added, "And you do too. So I'm glad that you've found Bella. You two make a good team." She let the coffee brew, walking over to me and giving me a small hug. I couldn't be upset with her really. Esme just always wanted things to be peaceful and loving. She'd made huge sacrifices for us, giving up her job and opening her home, not to mention enlarging her heart to encompass two more teenagers instead of just the big one. I didn't know how she could love us so much, Alice and I, but she blindly offered her compassion without even knowing if we deserved it.

I heard the front door open and shut. Esme pulled two cups from the cupboard while Carlisle's shoes slapped against the hardwood floor.

"Well, that's the most annoying thing to come home to." Carlisle placed a small kiss on Esme's lips. "The smell of chicken parmesan and knowing it's gone."

I shrugged, taking an abnormally large bite so I wouldn't have to speak, not yet anyway. Carlisle took his coffee from Esme's hand and sipped it gingerly as they walked upstairs to their balcony. I quickly shoved the last portion of the sandwich into my mouth and left the kitchen, joining Emmett in killing zombie hordes instead. Emmett's sixth sense must have kicked in because he didn't mention the bonfire once, like he knew I just needed a rest from the thinking and the questioning with all it's fucking enlightening implications. Shit just needed to be simple, just fucking brainless for a while. We killed zombies for about an hour before Carlisle called me into his office.

I sat down in one of the large leather chairs, the material straining and groaning beneath me. Carlisle left his chair to come around the desk, perching himself on the edge of the furniture. He gazed at me appraisingly and I felt it coming, the words just fucking buzzing around his head as he sat there smug as shit.

"So, how is Bella?" Fucking polite bullshit. This was going to be worse than I thought.

"She's good. She's worried about Charlie," I offered, trying to speed along the process.

Carlisle pursed his lips, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. He was making a decision, I could tell. I just honestly didn't know what his decision had to do with Charlie.

"Charlie has some serious health issues and it's natural for Bella to be concerned. What you're doing for her, for them, is invaluable. But you and Bella can only do so much. Charlie needs to start helping himself." Carlisle frowned, worry creasing in his eyes.

"Right, I know. He's trying though. I've been showing Bella some things she can cook for him and I gave him some exercises he could do. If he'd just lose some weight, then-"

"Charlie has to do it," Carlisle interrupted. Something else was going on here, something between Carlisle and Charlie that I didn't know about, but this was not just about Charlie's diet. I knew that Carlisle wouldn't divulge, he was bound by patient/doctor confidentiality. But he was trying to tell me something, without actually telling me.

"Okay," I said with a shrug. I really didn't know what to say so I just agreed with him, trying to decipher his cryptic counseling.

"And you need to be careful with Bella. She's extremely vulnerable right now. Take care of her, Edward, she needs someone who is going to take care of her." That worried look was becoming a permanent fixture on Carlisle's face today and it was sort of freaking me the fuck out. I mean, Carlisle didn't demonstrate worry about anything, he was always calm and collected, a portrait of serenity and peace.

"Bella is great. I mean, yeah, she has some issues but we can deal with them." It was true, she had a problem, a big one that I didn't even know about and I didn't care because being with her made it all worthwhile.

"I only mention it because I'm assuming you have a physical relationship with Bella. Am I correct in this assumption?" Carlisle put on his doctor hat. Shit.

I nodded, not willing to divulge that shit. Carlisle nodded also and I could tell he wasn't going to push this further, the memory of our previous sex talk still burned in his awareness.

"Just be mindful of your actions with her, Edward. You are both very young and I understand it's natural to want to explore a physical relationship with someone you're attracted to. Just be safe, is all I am saying." Carlisle almost fucking blushed as he told me those last words and I was so relieved he wasn't going to explain further.

We had now arrived at the real reason for this discussion - Alice. There was silence between us as Carlisle mulled over how to begin.

"Edward, Alice told us about the beach, how you had an altercation with Jasper Hale. She described it in detail and I'm a tad concerned about what you were feeling when you decided to attack Jasper." He was going to send me to a shrink, I fucking knew it. I'd be back on the drugs, a fucking zombie just aimlessly milling around and looking for shit to fuck up. I wouldn't be able to be with Bella like that. I wouldn't be enough for Bella like that. I was going to have to do some damage control.

I'd had to deal with this before and I knew exactly what to say to get him off my back. You don't go through shit like this without developing some survival skills. I'd read enough psychobabble to know that he was looking for remorse, which I had, kind of. He was also looking for insight, like did I know what I was doing and why, and I most certainly did. I had calculated every fucking detail of that fight, except the love shit. I hadn't been banking on that. Lastly, he was looking for control, was I in control of my body at the time. This was questionable. I knew what I wanted to do and I knew what I should do and it was under no control of mine that the two didn't correlate. Last night, the decision was not my own, but I didn't have to tell Carlisle that.

"I thought he was taking advantage of my sister and he was going to hurt her. I didn't know they'd been dating a while and I was pissed she didn't tell me. I took it out on him because I'm a hothead and, I don't know, I wanted to protect Alice or something. I made a mistake, but come on Carlisle, are you telling me you wouldn't have been shocked to all hell too?" I knew he would relate to my statement, having been thrown a couple curve balls in his life as well. He would let it go, I could see him easing with every word.

"I understand your frustration. But you can't go beating up every person that pisses you off. You need some strategies to manage your anger," Carlisle lectured. I had to tell myself not to get infuriated by this accusation, not to show Carlisle exactly what he was looking for.

"I'm going to start running again. I haven't been since…well, since a while ago. That should help." Admission is always the first step, a step that Carlisle got off on seeing. So that's what I gave him.

Carlisle nodded. "Edward, I've seen many positive changes in you since Bella has been in your life. I'm pleased with the progress and hopefully things will continue to improve. I'm very proud of you, son." Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

I had to admit, I was pretty pleased with myself as well. I knew drugs and therapy weren't the answer, I'd been through that shit before. Fooling Carlisle would only last so long, I'd have to think of something else to keep him at bay. But Bella, that shit was all true, how she brought out the best in me, let me forget about my problematic past and possibly precarious future. It all came down to her, every decision, from the very meager like whether I should bring my coat in case she needed it, to the rather substantial of whether I should really try to go to school all the way in New York if Bella was in Forks. Every thought, every choice, even all the vegetarian shit I was cooking, it was all for her. Bella Swan was far more than my girlfriend or even my elemental match - Bella Swan was my life now.

...

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A/N

Did you think I'd leave you hanging? C'mon?

Joni Songs

Love

My Old Man

Electricity

River

Tell me all about it my lovelies!

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