A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Five - Was it hard to fold a hand you could win

Darlings,

I can't tell you how my heart sings every time I hear that little ping that notifies me of new mail... Your reviews are amazing and I appreciate you all! Thank you, thank you!

Ah, n7of9, my darling BETA BAMF. Thank you for random thoughts and for answering my incessant questions, and I'm sorry I'm annoying as shit. And thank you for reading this chapter so many times and indulging my insecurities...

And of course, I don't own it.

EPOV

Fuck my face was fucking killing me, just fucking pulsating. Once Alice drove me home, she helped me into the house. My nose had stopped bleeding but there was still blood everywhere, all dried up on my face, matted in my hair, splattered onto my undershirt. I just wanted to get upstairs and into my bathroom before Esme saw me. She would freak if she saw me like this.

We slowly made our way up the stairs, Alice struggling to hold me up, but stopped at the second floor bathroom because I didn't think I was going to make it up the second staircase to my bedroom. Alice left to get some washcloths and the first aid kit that Carlisle kept in his office.

I turned on the tap, staring at myself in the mirror. Fuck, I looked like shit. My left eye was completely swollen shut, a deep, fleshy gash about an inch long on my cheekbone. The right side of my face was red and scraped, a large abrasion running from my ear right across my cheek from where I had hit the brick wall. My bottom lip was split on the left side, swollen and raw. And then there was the blood.

Alice came back and put one of the cloths under the stream. She placed the cloth to the cut on my eye first.

"Esme went shopping, she's not here. We need to tape this up until Carlisle gets home, it's going to need stitches." She dabbed it carefully with the cloth. Once she dried the skin, she cut a couple of pieces of medical tape and placed the bandage over the cut, holding the wound together.

She continued to wipe the blood from my face, careful not to apply pressure to the scattered cuts and scrapes. I looked at my palms, my skin curling around the shallow scarlet lines from when I had fallen in the gravel.

"Edward, what the hell?" Now the interrogations would begin.

"Alice," I groaned, "not right now, okay?" I just didn't have the strength to do this now. It was bad enough I was going to have to explain it to Carlisle when he got home. "Later…I promise." I looked at her with pleading eyes. I just wanted to lie down in my bed and think about what Bella was doing right now.

"Okay, but only because you look so awful." Alice smiled a small smile, but I could tell she was worried, her eyes flat and devoid of humor. "You need to take a shower," she said as she left the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

I turned on the shower and struggled to remove my clothing, wincing as I pulled the filthy shirt over my head. I was going to have to burn this shit. I stepped into the warm water, careful to keep my bandage dry, and washed my hair, scrubbing the dried and caked blood, the water pooling and swirling red around the drain. I let the hot water soothe my muscles, my side aching from Demitri's kick. Fucking asshole, that blow was highly unnecessary.

I stood in the shower until the water ran cool and my teeth were knocking together. Wrapping a large towel around my waist, I finally made my way up the second staircase to the third floor and into my room, my sanctuary. Once in some clean clothes, I laid down on my bed to wait for Carlisle. I drifted in and out of consciousness, welcoming the visions of berry pink and chocolate brown peppering my awareness.

…

Carlisle got home around seven and came to my room immediately. I guess he knew something was up when there wasn't any dinner waiting for him on the table. Esme had also come up as soon as Alice told her but I had pretended to be asleep. I needed some time to prepare for what I was going to tell Carlisle.

I did not want the drugs again. I hated that feeling, the semi-awareness, living a half-life, not really feeling in the present, not really feeling anything at all. I knew that if Carlisle suspected I had been purposefully seeking out fights he would slap me with a prescription, so my first inclination was to lie.

But then I spent the next hour thinking of that girl in her room whispering my name as she dreamt. I thought about all the shit I had felt in the last two days, things I didn't even think were possible for me to experience. Two days. Two fucking days and everything had been blown straight to hell.

If I was going to do this, I mean, really try to do this thing with Bella, I would need help. Because I had no idea what I was doing here, like, no fucking idea how to be normal. I had spent the majority of my adolescence isolating myself and trying to be vacant, existing and waiting for that excess infusion of dopamine, wondering when and where it would happen, who I would hurt and whether it would hurt me. And now for the first time I wanted to try to prevent it, now that I had something else to exist for. I'd do whatever Carlisle wanted me to.

Carlisle knocked softly on my open door, "waking" me from my false sleep. He had his medical bag with him and concern littered his sharp features. Like my father, heredity had gifted Carlisle with a quick mind and strong facial features, Cullen features. It was strange really how we all looked alike, yet different. Carlisle, Emmett, my father and I all dignified a strong jaw line and high cheekbones, very angular and geometric. The similarities ended there though, each of us stemming from this one prototype like paper dolls. Emmett was a fusion of angular and curved, Esme shining through in his dark curls and dimples, a far cry from Carlisle's blond and blue, and me, a replica of my father's bronze and green without a trace of my mother's blue and brown. Yet we all looked like family, the genetic implications undeniable.

I sat up as Carlisle silently walked to my bedside and began unloading various items onto the nightstand: disinfectant, anesthetic, suture kit, forceps. We'd done this before.

He looked at me finally, ready to speak. "Edward, what happened?" He carefully pulled the makeshift bandage that Alice had placed there hours ago. I hissed as the cool air hit the wound, stinging slightly as the tape pulled the skin and caused the wound to gape again.

I could sense his reluctance, almost as if he really didn't want to know the truth. I knew he didn't want a repeat of my first year here. He had been so patient with me, calling it a mourning period, thinking I just needed to get it out of my system. Alice had handled it so much better than I had. All she did was cut her fucking hair. I could have killed myself with the stupid shit I was doing.

I exhaled. I was going to tell him but I had some things to take care of first.

"I ventured down the wrong hallway at school, that's all." It wasn't a lie, really.

"No bullshit Edward." Carlisle said in a low voice, calmly saturating a cotton ball with antiseptic and wiping the area around the wound on my cheek.

I knew he wouldn't listen to bullshit, especially mine. I had exhausted my quota for bullshit a long time ago.

I sighed, feigning defeat. "No Esme, no Alice, no Emmett." I stated my terms. I did not want the whole fucking family finding out about this.

Carlisle filled a syringe with anesthetic. "I don't keep secrets from my wife Edward." He brought the needle to my cheek, tilting my head to the side, a familiar pinching and pressure on my face. I knew he wouldn't concede with Esme but I had to have an initial offer, that way he could counter and I could get what I really wanted out of this compromise.

I had to be cool though, make it seem like this wasn't my original intention. I was silent while the anesthetic numbed the left side of my face.

"Alright, no Alice or Emmett, then," I insisted.

"I'll try my best," he said as he cracked open the suture kit and began to stitch up my face.

I took a deep breath. "Well, there's this girl..."

"You did this to impress a girl?" Carlisle was obviously not expecting this, his hand slightly faltering mid-stitch.

"No, not really. Maybe. I don't know. It's just, I kind of like her. I don't even really know her, but every time I see her it's like… memorable. Do you know what I mean?" I was so terrible at this and trying to explain about Bella made me feel like an idiot.

"I think I can relate." He smiled at me and I could see hope fucking brimming in those blue circles of his.

Carlisle finished, his swift fingers knotting the sutures and covering them with a small bandage. He began to prod the area around my nose. "Any pain here, difficulty breathing through your nose?"

I shook my head no, "Anyway, I'm just…afraid. That I'll hurt her. Like him." I was struggling to find the words. I looked down at my hands, picking at the skin around the superficial scrapes on my palms.

Carlisle sat down on the edge of my bed. "Edward, you know there's no way to know if you are going to develop this disease, or any other disease for the matter. We know the risks, and I'm not going to say it's not going to happen, because I don't know. But we're well informed. We know what to look for." We'd had this talk before too so his canned response did nothing to calm my fears.

He could see the doubt in my face, I'm sure. He continued, "You are not your father. You're forgetting that I was there when the disease invaded and conquered him."

He was right. I had forgotten that. I tilted my head slightly at the reminder. We had never discussed my father's youth, the beginning of his downfall. Carlisle had never brought it up, always sticking to the present, factual and clinical. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted this link in the chain yet, the details that would connect my father with me.

"I think I might have a broken rib." I could barely breathe now, the pain in my side intense with every inhale.

Carlisle understood my diversion. "You need an x-ray. We have to go to the hospital." He stood up, gathering his tools and placing them in his bag. "What am I going to tell people when they ask what happened?"

I exhaled with difficulty. "Tell them I was wrestling a grizzly," I smirked.

Carlisle wasn't laughing. "I'm serious, Edward. These are my colleagues and they will ask questions. I'm going to need to give them an answer."

I frowned. "Tell them… it's because of a girl." I finally shrugged. It seemed less complicated this way and it was kind of true.

Carlisle knew I wasn't giving him the full truth. "Edward, I don't know exactly what's going on here. I'm glad to hear you're interested in pursuing a relationship with someone other than your family. It's healthy for kids like you to have social relationships. Isolation isn't beneficial, for you or Alice."

Yeah, kids like me, kids that might go fucking nuts one day.

"I need help, Carlisle. I don't know how to be okay or normal. I keep making a mess out of things and…I just need help." I sounded like such a little bitch, so ridiculously pathetic. But Carlisle would never make me feel that way. He told me what I needed to hear but was too chicken shit to ask.

"Schizophrenia is an insidious disease, Edward. It manifests itself in many ways, some of them obvious, some very subtle. Usually the patient has no clue that anything is wrong, the delusions and hallucinations cloud coherent thought and reason. I didn't know anything about the disease when your father was diagnosed and I'll admit he scared the shit out of me.

But I can't regret leaving Chicago, because I found my life in Seattle. We ALL have demons, Edward. My brother is mine. What happened to him, to your mother, will forever haunt me. I left him alone and unprotected because I was ill equipped and unknowledgeable. I didn't know! But I do now. As your uncle, as your father figure now, I am here to protect you, even if it's from yourself."

The sincerity and conviction that poured from his voice was so overwhelming, I couldn't respond at first. I barely knew that I had an uncle before two years ago. I knew he was out there, somewhere, living his own life and not in Chicago living in hell. I couldn't really blame Carlisle, because if I would have had an out, I would have taken it. That wasn't an option for me though. There's no way I would have left Alice to deal with all that shit on her own. It was my job to protect her. It still is. We had always stuck together during my father's episodes, and it would be a cold day in hell before I would just fucking abandon her like that.

I still hadn't spoken and I didn't want Carlisle to misinterpret the silence, but I couldn't think of an appropriate response. So I just said the first thing that I could think of.

"Thanks." It was shit, I know. I gingerly rose from the bed, the pain shocking me into a quick stillness.

Carlisle motioned for me to leave and he followed me out of the room. My lame ass attempt at thanks was enough, for now.

…

There was no way in hell that I was going to school that week. I was on some pretty heavy narcotics for the pain and my face was the size of a watermelon. No broken bones, just bruises, but it was going to be at least six weeks before I could run again. I had been watching Food Network for the past 27 hours and had already purchased a Titan Peeler and a Slap Chop, and I was seriously considering getting a Sham Wow. I was anxious to try out a new recipe for Baked Chicken and Pastina but Esme wouldn't let me cook. She was babying me, and I let her because I knew she loved it and I kinda did too.

I was just so fucking bored. I watched all the Star Wars episodes, even the new digitally enhanced bullshit. I read some depressing ass shit of a book about the apocalypse and fucking owned Emmett in Call of Duty. All my independent study homework that Carlisle had gotten from my teachers on Wednesday was finished and I had organized my music collection, even the LP's, first chronologically and then by preference within that year. I was out of distractions and it was killing me that I couldn't see Bella. I really just wanted to climb into her bedroom and hear her say my name again.

Alice was pissed off I wouldn't tell her the truth about what happened. She had approached me repeatedly, taking advantage of my house arrest, demanding information. Today, Friday, she was being exceptionally pushy.

She was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, sheets of loose leaf paper scattered around her. She had a large Astrology book spread out before her and she kept flipping the pages furiously, stopping to scribble something when she found what she had been looking for.

"Are you going to school on Monday?" She asked, her pencil flying across her page.

"Probably, I don't think I could stay in this house another day, fucking cabin fever, you know?" I answered, stretching my side carefully.

"Still not going to tell me what happened, huh?" The repetitive swish of Alice's pages reminded me of how Bella's braid had swished across her tight little ass when she walked.

I had to see her. Like now!

And I needed Alice to leave, because the thought of Bella's ass had me sporting a semi and I suddenly had a strong desire to take up permanent residence in the masturbation nation. I had been visiting the nation often the last couple of days.

"Fuck, Alice. I told you, I messed with some guys I shouldn't have, alright? Said some shit I shouldn't have said. Let it go." I was being an ass, but I was hoping she'd get offended and leave.

"Whatever Edward. You're such a liar." Alice snapped her book shut and I thought for a moment she was going leave. I even started up my laptop, fully planning on visiting a highly restricted, of the eighteen and older variety, and highly bookmarked site as soon as she left.

Instead of leaving, Alice just sat there staring at me, waiting. I stared back, a showdown of sorts, battle of the wills.

She caved first, "Come on, I know this is about a girl. The tarot readings, the fighting, the excessive whacking off, plus you watched Pride and Prejudice on T.V. yesterday, even with the commercials. You're so transparent Edward."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Perceptiveness at its worst. Alice was not going to let this go. I guess I could tell her enough to appease her, get her off my case. I didn't have to use names and she would probably spend the next two days trying to figure it out, buying me some time.

"Okay. So maybe it is about a girl," I shrugged. "So what?"

Alice just buzzed. She was grinning like an idiot.

"What?" I eyed her suspiciously.

"Nothing." She was still smiling all over the place. I glared at her cheerful demeanor.

"What?" This was starting to piss me off.

"Nothing!" Alice laughed and paused a moment, calculating her next move. "Can I meet her?"

"Get out of my room." This was miserable. I couldn't even get up to kick her out.

She was laughing victoriously now. "I fucking knew it! Is it Jessica? Please, say it's not Jessica."

"It's not Jessica," I said confidently.

"Is she going to be at Newton's party tonight?" Alice was gathering her book and papers, forming a sloppy bundle.

This was a good question. I had no idea if Bella would be at Newton's party tonight. I'm sure she would have heard about it, she had classes with Mike and by the way he was looking at her on Monday, I wouldn't be surprised if he was already planning their wedding.

"Maybe. I don't know." I replied, honestly.

"Well, I'll be watching for her then." Alice was definitely going to be preoccupied with trying to figure out who my "her" was.

But now I was preoccupied with a dilemma. What if Bella was going to Newton's party? Sober, the girl had no control of her limbs. I'd hate to see what kind of trouble she could get into all inebriated. And I would get to see her, maybe make some advances in plan Make Bella Mine. Shit, my side still hurt like hell and now I was going to have to go to this party. I fucking hate parties.

"Maybe I'll tag along so I can throw you off her scent," I teased Alice. I knew she couldn't wait to start putting this shit together.

"But you hate parties." Alice looked slightly disappointed, probably worried I would attempt to thwart any advances in her quest.

"I do. But I hate the thought of sitting in this room another night more." This was definitely plausible and if Bella wasn't at the party, I would just leave. "Now, get out of my room. I have shit to do." I motioned for her to leave.

"Yeah yeah, I know all about the shit you have to do." Alice grabbed her book and mess of paperwork and laughed her giddy ass out of my room. "Use a sock, will you? You don't want to ruin your laptop."

Fucking hilarious.

Now, how was I supposed to whack off after that? I sighed and lay down on my bed, closing my eyes. Why was Alice so happy about this? Why would it matter to her that it was about a girl?

Because it was about a girl. All about her. Her white teeth biting into her plump lip, her dark hair trailing around her porcelain neck, her velvet eyes seeing right through me. The thought of possibly seeing her tonight sent a shock of anticipatory pleasure throughout my entire being.

I grabbed my laptop and quickly clicked the link to the site. I searched, clicking through the images, looking for pale, small and brunette. My hand slipped into my sweatpants, clutching and tugging. Eyeing the screen, I squinted at a faceless brunette, a vision in white with stethoscopes and thermometers. It didn't take long and soon I was panting and grasping and frantically coming into my boxers. A real Florence fucking Nightingale.

Fuck, I hate it when Emmett's right.

…

BPOV

"Where the hell is my blue shirt?" I muttered to myself, emptying the entirety of my suitcase onto the wood floor of my small room. I was seriously panicking about Wednesday's lunch plan, primarily because I was going to have to eat something. Alice was way too perceptive to let that go, she would notice for sure. And I would not be able to puke because I had Biology after lunch with Edward and he would notice my absence. I was going to have to wait until after Biology, at least, before I could have any relief.

Secondly, I would, potentially, be spending an entire lunch period with Edward. I wondered if I could go a whole hour without offending him this time. I wanted to apologize for my behavior in biology yesterday. There was just something about this guy that turned me into a bumbling idiot. I couldn't get my bearings around him, my mouth just rambled on about nothing and everything at the same time.

Thirdly, I had nothing to wear. I couldn't find half the clothes I thought I had brought with me, apparently a bit too generous during the eradication of my summer wardrobe. I would have to ask Alice if there were any cheap clothing stores around here.

I gave up on the blue shirt and just grabbed my sweats and tank and headed into the bathroom. For someone like me, the bathroom takes on a whole new connotation. It's a very ritualistic kind of place, like a sacrificial temple or something. Every day, people take part in the ritual of brushing their teeth, cleansing their bodies, applying various creams, liquids, sprays, and all kinds of chemical concoctions for the betterment of their external appearance. But for someone like me, an ordinary bathroom was a conflicting place, offering relief and seclusion while serving as an enabler in purging.

The bathroom also served as a source of self disgust. When you think about it, during my "ritual", I was placing my face mere inches from where people literally put their shit. And I was okay with this, seeking out and finding comfort in this routine. It was fucking repulsive. I was fucking repulsive and the very epitome of abhorrence for choosing to do this, for knowing, even while I was chewing the infrequent meals that served as my masquerade, that I would be venturing to this temple to sacrifice any ounce of pride I had so that I could feel that emptiness again. I hated myself for it. But not enough to stop.

I took a long hot shower, relaxing in the spray and puddles around my feet. I was a bit overcome with anxiety and I wished I had some of those little pills to make me focus, or even a joint so I could just calm down. I was itching in my own skin, my chest tight and not letting my lungs expand fully. I felt like I couldn't breathe. For the first time in a while I almost wished I could eat because I had been doling out Percocet to Charlie for the last two days. Percocet really needs to be partnered with food though, and that just wasn't feasible. After my shower, I rifled through the medicine cabinet looking for anything I could take to calm me down, but all I could find was some cough syrup. Swigging straight from the bottle, I hoped it would be enough. I finally was able to fall asleep with the help of my constant drug, Joni's words a soothing lullaby forcing me into nothingness. "I wish I had a river I could skate away on…"

…

Shit, I was going to be late to school. My prehistoric vehicle was groaning as I punched the clutch and forced the truck into fourth gear. A small compact car sped around me, passing on the left and flipping me off. It's not my fault this truck has a maximum speed of fifty. I just sighed and struggled to find the exit off the highway through the thick cloud cover that had enveloped the town during the night.

I almost missed the school, turning at the last minute and practically maneuvering a u-turn in order to make the exit.

I had woken up late, groggy and disheveled from a night of deep sleep, the cough syrup effective. I still hadn't decided on anything to wear, so I had spent twenty minutes this morning staring at the same five t-shirts. I finally just put on a plain black long-sleeved shirt and my jeans. I twirled my hair in a bun, tossed my coat on and headed to check on Charlie.

Charlie was still in his bed, lying on his back, elevated on a stack of humongous pillows. I couldn't really tell if he was breathing so I stood there staring at his chest waiting to see it rise and fall. My eyes hadn't fully adjusted to daylight yet, making them unreliable from that distance, so I had entered the room and walked over to Charlie's bedside. I leaned over his large body, placed my face close to his nose, and felt a warm exhale tickle my cheek, the scent of sweat and the chalky hint of his medication whispering across my face. I sighed, relief flooding my veins, coursing through my body and making me feel lightheaded. Just then Charlie had begun to stir so I quickly sprinted out of the room before I had to uneasily explain why I was listening to him breathe.

I ran out the door and into a freezing fog, slipping and falling on my ass once in the driveway. I got in the truck and locked the door with shaking hands and fumbled the keys into the ignition. I had dropped them three times before I was able to start the engine. I hadn't realized the gravity of this situation I had put myself in until that moment. What if he had been dead? The idea of being in the same room with the dead body of my kinda father had made me panic. I wasn't able to control my emotions and my eyes welled with tears, my breathing erratic and expanding in my chest.

So I sat in the that driveway this morning for fifteen minutes trying to calm my breathing and just function normally so I could drive to school. Hence, the tardiness.

I pulled into the parking lot, dodging a few other overdue students. Scanning the other cars, I searched for the silver Volvo but I didn't see it. A shock of panic bolted through me. I parked quickly and raced inside the building.

Running and panting for lack of stamina, I headed to English, the missing Volvo on the forefront of my mind. There's no way I would be able to concentrate without knowing why that car was M.I.A. I still had, like, four hours before lunch. I'd never been so eager for a meal in all my life.

I doodled my way through my classes, taking incoherent notes and sketching strawberries and dark eyes in the margins of my notebook. My mind was invaded with meaningless conversation during Spanish, Jessica talking about a party at Mike's house on Friday. She was spouting details of her favorite drinks, I think trying to impress me, when she mentioned a name that suddenly made me focus.

"I kind of had a thing with Edward Cullen…" was what I had caught. My pencil froze and I looked up, maybe a little too quickly.

"Who?" I asked, cutting her off.

She was taken aback by my sudden interest in the conversation. "Edward Cullen. I'll point him out in the lunch room. He's so totally hot but, like, really antisocial. I kind of had this thing with him a couple of months ago, but I broke it off because he's a psycho, like, totally crazy."

"What? What do you mean crazy?" I pried, thirsting for the information and disgusted at the thought of her anywhere near his thing.

"I hooked up with him at my party a while ago. We were both totally drunk, and, yeah it was hot, but he was a total dick afterward. Like hell if a guy thinks he can treat me like that and get away with it. I dumped him on his sorry crazy ass," she explained smugly.

Well this was enlightening. For the first time I really took in Jessica's appearance. She was very petite yet also curvy, her figure rounding in all the appropriate places. Her dark curly hair framed her very ordinary face, and she was constantly batting her big doe-eyes, perpetuating a state of constant bewilderment. She wasn't bad looking, pretty even with all the effort she put into it, but she definitely wasn't gorgeous. She wasn't who I imagined Edward would choose. She didn't even have any of those redeeming personality characteristics that eventually softened a person's outer appearance, like a sense of humor or a kind soul. She was catty and felt the need to fill every silence with empty conversation. And she just seemed so typical. Typical and boring. Why would he like her?

And why did I care so much?

I was so consumed by my thoughts that I almost missed the next part of her disclosure.

"I'd been dying to get with him for, like, two years. Him and his sister moved here when their parents died. They live with their aunt and uncle now." She leaned closer to me. I slightly flinched, her proximity annoying. "Everyone thinks there's, like, some scandal involved. Nobody really knows, it's all very mysterious. More like a sack of shit if you ask me."

Hmm, sour grapes much?

Christ, Edward Cullen was getting hotter by the second. Let's see, he was a total smart ass, aloof, and surrounded by a scandal involving dead parents. I always get into these fucked up relationships, like gravity pulling me towards a black hole. Every relationship I'd ever been in was a complete disaster, not that there'd been that many to begin with.

There was the narcissist, the guy who thought he was God's gift to women but couldn't get me off to save his life and who fucked one of my friends when I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean, if he couldn't finger me properly, what good would his dick do? He had even less control of that appendage.

Then the pacifist, you know, one of those sensitive types, weasels his way into the confines of your mind and soul, pretends like he "gets" you, tells you everything you want to hear until you realize that you want him. Yeah, he fucked all of my friends when I wouldn't hand him my virginity. I tried, but it was just weird, no chemistry at all, like kissing my brother or something.

Then there was the antagonist. I had hated him. All through middle school he had teased me, called me skinny dog-face. He would knock my books out of my hands when we were walking in the hall, throw food at me in the lunch room, stupid petty shit that I should have been mature enough to get over. But I wasn't. Turns out he just had a big crush on me and didn't know how to curb his Cro Magnum tendencies. We went out twice and both times I acted like a total bitch. I hold grudges, it's a personality flaw.

I utterly failed at relationships. I always found something wrong with the guy, which was usually the exact characteristic that had drawn me to him in the first place until my instinct for self-preservation would kick in and I'd find a way out. In the true blue words of Miss Mitchell, "And if you care, don't let them know. Don't give your heart away."

"Bella?" Jessica was looking at me like I was fucking crazy now. I wondered how long she'd been calling my name. "Are you coming to lunch?"

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. The period had passed quicker than I was ready for. I looked around. The class was pretty much empty with only a few stragglers at the teacher's desk and everyone else filing out the door. Jessica was standing over me, her arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Yeah sorry. I was totally spacing." I closed my notebook, wondering how Jessica was going to react when I left her to sit with Alice and her infamous brother.

I followed Jessica to the lunch room, lagging behind, using her as a shield of sorts, trying desperately to reign in my nerves. My heart was racing in my throat and pounding in my ears, my face flushed with warmth. I was probably beet red, the depraved blush destroying any mask of cool I had hoped to conjure up. If I could just get through the lunch period without pissing Edward off, I would consider the meeting a success.

I followed Jessica to the lunch counter, not yet surveying the tables. I didn't want to look at him until it was absolutely necessary.

I was grabbing a salad when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi Bella!" Alice, clad in tight black skinny jeans and a long black and white sweater, bangles clanging around her tiny wrists, was standing beside me now. Her hair was parted on the side today, very smooth and stylish, à la Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. "Are you still going to sit with us?" She eyed Jessica warily, but Jessica refused to make eye contact with her focusing instead on an apparently fascinating piece of lettuce that had fallen out of her salad and onto her tray.

"Um, sure. I promised, right?" Jessica's eyes shot up to meet mine, her look of pure detest piercing right through me. Shit, I'd only been here three days and already I was pissing everybody off.

"I'll see you later Jessica." Looking away, like a coward, I paid for my lunch and followed Alice. I was pretty sure Jessica wanted to bitch slap me right there in the lunch room. I didn't have the guts to look at her to see the expression on her face.

Alice led me to a table towards the back of the lunchroom, near the back door. A huge wall of a human stood up as we approached the table. He was towering and intimidating and my steps faltered a bit as we approached him. Hoping Alice hadn't noticed, I tried to quickly regain my composure.

"Relax, it's just Emmett," she murmured under her breath. "My cousin. He's a teddy bear, I promise."

So she had noticed my stumbling insecurities. Is there anything she doesn't see?

Now that we were close I could see a definite gentle nature about him. He was smiling, a curve in his angular jaw. He looked so childlike, with dimples and dark tight curls adding to his charm. He was standing with his arms folded across his chest, and he was huge. His t-shirt strained against his pectorals, tendons and skin stretched tight across his massive neck.

He held out a hand as we walked up to the table, smiling warmly.

"Hi there Bella. Emmett Cullen." He shook my hand, his large, rough grip enveloping mine. "This is Rosalie, my girlfriend." He motioned to a girl still sitting at the table, previously hidden by his massive form.

Rosalie stood up and I instantly felt like shit, like total, insignificant shit. She was gorgeous, my total antithesis. Her honey blond hair waved around her perfect face, violet eyes glittering and slightly smug. Her eyelids were adorned with a light brown shadow and lined with a perfect smoky streak and mascara enhanced her eyelashes, like tiny brushes sweeping her cheekbones when she blinked. I couldn't help but envy her curvaceous figure. She was right out of an Italian Renaissance painting, Birth of fucking Venus and shit, which was a far cry from my flat and bony form.

She held out her hand, "Pleasure. Bella, is it?" Her fingers were long and manicured and she just reeked of blue blood, royalty. "Rosalie Hale." As I shook her hand, she looked down at my appearance, apparently engaging in the same surveillance, yet obviously, judging by the smirk on her lips, a very different perception than mine.

"So, Bella, how did you and our Alice meet?" Rosalie knew she was treading on delicate waters, it was evident in her tone of voice, and she didn't care. She wanted exposure, like a lioness hunting her weak prey.

I panicked, not quite sure what to say, how much Alice would want them to know about the smoking and the ditching. I knew that she had said that Edward was protective, but I didn't know about her relationship with Emmett. And I didn't think that I wanted to see him angry.

"What do you mean?" I decided on ignorance. So what if I perpetuated her already developing opinion of my low intelligence.

"Well, Alice is a sophomore, dear. I doubt she has any classes with you." Rosalie smiled down at me before fluidly taking her seat, almost melting into the hard plastic chair. Emmett, occupying the chair next to her, pulled a huge sack of food from his backpack. He started unloading the containers. Chicken salad, mixed vegetables, two turkey sandwiches, a bag of chips, a protein bar and a package of Twinkies. How could one person eat that much food?

I looked at Alice for help, who was seated on the table now, a bundle of silk in her hand, an apple in the other.

"We had a smoke together in the bathroom," Alice shrugged, taking a large bite of her apple with a satisfying crunch. I could live with that. I sat down in a chair opposite Rosalie and Emmett. There were two unoccupied chairs at the table, and I was sitting right in the middle of them, forcing the still missing Edward to sit by me. I initially thought about moving over one seat, giving him a choice, but I was frozen in that chair. Where was he?

Rosalie grimaced, "Smoking is disgusting Alice. You're going to end up looking like a shriveled old hag. Do you like little wrinkles around your lips and yellow teeth? Plus it stinks." She opened the container of chicken salad. Emmett continued to shovel food into his face, the sight literally making me a bit nauseous.

"I kind of like the way tobacco smells," I said quietly. Alice and Rosalie both looked at me then, their contrasting expressions causing me to snort slightly. Emmett stopped chewing his protein bar and looked directly at Rosalie. Alice was smiling, triumph and conviction apparent in her features. She took another bite of her apple and shrugged her shoulders at Rosalie, clearly conveying an "I don't give a shit" stance on the issue. She began shuffling her cards, her silk scarf laid out on the table.

Rosalie had frozen mid scoop, her fork still in the air, and if looks could kill, well, I'd be rotting away in Forks cemetery.

She quickly smoothed her appearance, plastering on a sweet smile. "To each her own," she said calmly, still meeting my eyes and daring me to look away, like some fucked up stare down. What the hell is this chick's deal?

Not one to back down from a challenge, I smiled back, staying silent. Rosalie looked away first, her eyes slowly moving down to my food tray. At first I felt victorious, having beaten her at her own pissing contest. Then, intuition and resolve flashed in her eyes. She met my gaze quickly upon registering my lunch choice and I'm sure paranoia was evident in my expression.

"Would you like some of my chicken salad, Bella?" She asked appraisingly. "I noticed you were only able to get a spring mix before Alice tore you away from the lunch counter." Damn this bitch and her passive aggressive bullshit.

"I'm okay, thanks. Vegetarian." Did she think she was dealing with an amateur here? I'd been doing this for way too long to not think up a million reasons for why I didn't eat.

"Really? Well, that explains why you're so thin. Do you take supplements?" Rosalie took a dainty bite of her chicken salad, chewing and waiting for my reply. I seriously wanted to punch her in the face.

Alice came to my rescue once again. "Rose, knock it off. Now you're just being a bitch." She continued to shuffle her cards. A moment later she dumped them across the scarf and ran her fingers through them, mixing and turning the jumble of color.

Rosalie looked at Alice incredulously. "Alice, I'm merely interested in your new friend and her extremely interesting lifestyle." Rosalie's eyes glinted with double meaning. "Speaking of lifestyle, Alice have you seen my brother today?"

Alice stuttered in her card shuffling for the slightest second. She glanced at Emmett who was lost in his food orgy, obviously oblivious to any underlying meaning behind the conversation. "Yes, Rose, I'd have to say I saw your brother quite thoroughly this morning." She smirked at Rosalie, satisfied with the grimace she was receiving in return.

Taking advantage of this distraction, I nudged some of the greens off my plate, trying to be discreet, as if they just accidentally spilled onto the table. I chewed a small bite of the salad, the saliva pooling in the back of my throat. Swallowing was difficult, my stomach already rejecting the foreign matter trying to occupy space. I paused, waiting for the compulsion to stop.

Alice had finished shuffling the cards now and I looked up to find her green eyes trying to make sense of my demeanor. She was slightly squinting, her head tilted to one side, lips pursed. I faltered in my reassuring smile, small, tight-lipped and fake, just like me. I felt like shit, total fucking shit, because she had been nothing but honest and trusting with me and I could not return the honor. And I still couldn't work up the nerve to ask Alice about her brother. The expectation of his arrival was making it difficult to focus on anything else.

"So Bella, are you going to party with us this weekend?" Emmett asked, interrupting my self loathing. He moved on to the sandwiches, taking large bites, and storing the enormous bulge in his cheek as he spoke.

"Yes, Bella is definitely going to party with us this weekend," Alice answered for me.

"Really? Is that what the cards told you?" I asked, teasing. The last time I had partied I ended up in the emergency room and I really didn't want a repeat of that disastrous event. Then again, I did just want to fucking escape, lose myself in the influx of chemicals, altering the synaptic functioning. I just wanted to feel good for a while, not have to worry about my dad or my diet or that beautiful boy that keeps invading my dreams. And who knows, this party might lead me to a supplier, the desire for the pretty pills increasing as my inability to be normal reared its ugly head.

"Oh, come on Bella! It'll be fun, I promise." Alice winked, causing me to grin. "Mike Newton's a douche but his desire to please is favorable to our desire to get totally faded."

"Okay, but I'm a mean drunk. And I fall down a lot. Are you sure you can handle mumbling and stumbling Bella?" I was only slightly joking. I couldn't even tell you the number of injuries I'd sustained while under the influence.

Emmett laughed, "Oh, I think we can handle that. What are you, like, ninety pounds?" My gaze immediately dropped at the mention of my weight, insecurity flooding my psyche. Why do people always notice this? They never noticed my eyes or my hair or even the clumsiness. But it never fails, someone will always comment on my weight.

Rosalie snorted, rolling her eyes and placing the lid on her container of chicken salad. She threw the container into Emmett's paper sack, and folded her arms across her chest.

"Bella! This is going to be awesome! It'll be totally memorable, I promise!" Alice was squealing, her enthusiasm a little overwhelming.

"Okay, are you ready?" Alice asked me, waving the stack of cards. Emmett leaned forward, placing his forearms on the table, flashing a deliberate grin. Rosalie shifted in her seat, leaning toward Alice now. I found her interest somewhat perplexing. Why would she care what these cards had to say? She had already made her opinion of me very clear and it made me self-conscious knowing that she would be listening.

"Sure, I guess. What do I have to do?" I was starting to feel uneasy, like maybe this was a mistake. I didn't have too much experience with the occult; it always just seemed kind of cheesy to me, crystal balls and magic cards with the ability to tell the future. It totally negated the idea of free will, like nothing could stop the train wreck that you're destined for from happening. I guess I could indulge Alice, though, a small way to make up for all my failures as a friend.

"You don't really have to do anything. Just open your mind and relax. You need to meditate on a question, either verbally or internally, it doesn't really matter, but I can help with the interpretation if I know what to look for," Alice explained.

"Okay." I was definitely apprehensive now. What could I ask of a pack of cards? Where the hell was Edward? That was by far the biggest question invading my brain with maddening persistence. But that didn't seem significant enough because if I could just muster up the courage I would be able to solve that mystery this very moment.

I took a deep breath. Alice was waiting for me and I just kept drawing a blank. "Shit, I don't know Alice. Do I have to ask something?"

Alice sighed. "It makes it easier. Come on, anything. It doesn't have to be life altering."

Shit Bella, think of something, anything.

I closed my eyes and saw his flushed, full lips, his smile uneven and dazzling. I thought of the grocery store, a flood of warm honey and lilac, greens and grays, engulfing and suffocating, my breath quickening at the memory. I opened my eyes, inhaling sharply as I was met with those green eyes.

Alice was staring at me, waiting, her emerald pupils mirroring her brothers. "Okay, I've got it." I managed to mumble.

Alice began to lay the cards. She was pulling them at random and placing them in a semi-circle on her scarf. She was muttering to herself as she pulled each card, finding significance in the patterns and pictures.

"Death," she said as she touched the first card.

I couldn't help but snort. Alice glared at my mockery. "Don't even start, Bella." She rolled her eyes at me, muttering, "You sound like my brother."

I stilled at this, the knots in my stomach tightening. How pathetic can I be that the mere mention of his existence sends me into such a spiral?

"Sorry," I apologized. "I'll be good."

"Death in this position represents your past, the path of sweeping change that cannot be avoided," Alice continued.

Again with the negating of free will. Cannot be avoided.Please! Skepticism was brewing in my facial features and I quickly snuffed it out before Alice could suspect anything.

"This card is the present, the Nine of Cups, representing sensual pleasure, experiencing beauty." Alice squinted at me, probably trying to figure out whose beauty I was experiencing presently. Presently, my dear, his beauty is not at my disposal to experience…

"Why Bella, I do believe you're blushing." Emmett said chuckling, while Rosalie smirked at my discomfort.

I was horrified by what my face exposed. I'm like an open book when it comes to this kind of shit, that fucking pink tint giving me away every time.

"All right, knock it off." Alice touched the next card. "The Moon is your influence, chasing after some fantasy, deceiving yourself." It could not get any worse. Emmett was laughing gregariously now.

"Emmett, I swear to God, shut the fuck up. I can't do this when you're all obnoxious and shit." Alice was getting seriously pissed.

"Okay okay sorry. I'm done, I'm done." He ran his hand over his face, changing it into a calm mask. Rosalie giggled and smacked him on the chest.

I'd had enough though. I did not want to hear anything else. "Alice, why don't we just stop? Really, it's not my thing." I pleaded with her. I didn't want to hear I was deceiving myself into thinking I could be loved. The nausea was stirring in my gut, uneasy and tempting. If Edward wasn't even here today I'd be able to stop at the school day-puking bathroom.

Alice's face was mustering up all kinds of conviction. "No! I'm going to finish, you're going to listen and you two," she pointed at Rosalie and Emmett, "are going to shut the hell up."

And for some reason we did.

Alice, satisfied with our compliance, continued. "Your obstacles are represented by Temperance, renewing health, healing, recovery."

I'll say. Yeah, that was kind of bizarre. I tried to look as nonchalant as possible, but Alice's predictions were really starting to get under my skin. I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want to unleash the wrath of the pixie demon again.

"Your hopes, setting a course for the future, Justice." She glanced up at me, gauging my response and I forced myself to appear emotionless. But it was becoming intolerable. I felt warmth spread from my chest, choking in my throat but I stifled it down.

"Forgive yourself; forgive others, Judgment representing the best course of action." She was quiet now, as was I. And as I stared at her while she watched the cards, I couldn't stop it, a solitary tear streaked down my cheek, followed by another betrayal, the warm, salty liquid trailing down my face. I couldn't even bring myself to wipe it away, the telling movement sure to be my undoing. I just turned my cheek to my shoulder to blot it dry.

Alice touched the last card. "The World, the outcome, Bella. Pleasure in life, rendering a service." Alice sighed. "I always love it when it ends happily." She grinned at me but her face fell as she saw the traitorous emotion plastered across my face.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Alice asked me quietly.

And I turned on the show. I smiled brightly, hoping my eyes didn't look as dead as they felt. "Of course! I got the World. That's good, right?"

Alice smiled softly, "Right," she nodded. I looked towards the clock in the lunch room. How much longer before I could hide in my car. I decided I was definitely ditching class today.

Just as I was opening my mouth to excuse myself from this disaster, I heard a calm, smooth voice behind me.

"So, I talked to my people and apparently it was Demitri and Felix who fucked up your brother yesterday." I turned in my chair swiftly to find Jasper speaking to Alice. They stared into each others eyes, a fleeting moment of understanding passing between them, a mixture of longing and gratefulness playing upon Alice's features.

"Ugh, your brother is such an idiot. What was he thinking? He knows those guys are total assholes." Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to fucking kick their asses!" Emmett was pissed. "You should have seen his face man. Carlisle had to give him six stitches." I gulped, wishing I had gotten a drink. My throat was closing, my breathing labored. The vomit was swelling in my throat and I swallowed it back, forcing myself to keep shit together.

I didn't understand. He was fine, and I mean fine, yesterday during class. His face was perfect right up until…

Oh my God, please say I'm not responsible for this. Please, please let it be something else, anything else.

Alice spoke next, "Emmett, you know he did it on purpose." I looked down at the cards still lying on the table. Please someone clarify, I was silently begging them to disclose more.

But they were all silent. They did know, and I didn't. I was the outsider here, intruding in their business and they weren't going to fill me in. Fuck!

I had to know. I wasn't going to be able to live with myself if I didn't find out. I wanted in.

Swallowing my pride I asked, "Why would he do it on purpose?" They all turned to look at me but Alice was the one who spoke.

"I overheard them in the hall. He told Carlisle it was because of a girl."

And I lost it. I felt the saliva filling my mouth. I had to get out of here! I dry heaved once, jumping out of my seat, my hand flying to cover my mouth, and racing for the door. I heard the cries behind me, the sound of thudding boots following me as I ran out of the lunch room and into the freezing fog. I leaned over the railing of the planter and dry heaved again. Fuck! I had nothing in my stomach to purge, the poor excuse of a salad that I had ingested for lunch stuck in my throat. I coughed, spitting the small amount of bitter bile now released, tears just fucking pouring down my face.

Alice caught up with me, "Bella! Fuck!" She was panting, bending over trying to catch her breath. "Are you sick? What's wrong? Do you need to go to the nurse?"

I shook my head no, just feeling horrible and wrong. "I'm so sorry, Alice." I couldn't think of anything else to say. "I'm so fucking sorry." And I was wishing like hell I could tell this to Edward, see him, see what I had caused, and fix this. Instead, I poured my apologies into Alice.

"Alice, I'm so sorry, so sorry." I just kept repeating it over and over again. Alice was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and hugged me until the sobs eventually stopped.

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A/N

Joni Songs Referenced:

Clouds

River

Party's next...should be a good time for all, right?

Review, bb's, Review! (*wink)