A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Six- Was it hard to fold a hand you could win

Darlings,

Wow, what a freaking week. I'm overwhelmed by the many reviews and alerts and favs and all that shit is amazing! Thank you, dear readers, for such honesty! You guys are phenomenal and we have a beautiful thing going on here!

And I can't send enough thanks to the amazingly talented ilsuocantante for recommending this fic on The Twilight Sisterhood and for setting up the thread on Twilighted. Dude, you rock my world and could quite possibly be my literary soul-mate. I'm going to post the links on my profile, checkity check it!

Larin20, deary, thank you for recommending as well. I can't believe all the generosity I've encountered in this process! And the girls at rehab, I swear, you make my day, all of you, my own little support group, like on Fight Club, right? See, I told you Jezz, this is totally our Fight Club! Watch it already!

And my fascinating and extrodinary beta, n7of9, holy shit, you're are my idol. You're on a pedestal bitch, and I'm so worshipping you! You deserve a thousand robwards at your disposal for putting up with me.

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

BPOV

"Bella, you have to get up." Alice was trying to pull me up from my prostrated position. At some point in the last fifteen minutes my legs had stopped supporting my body and I had slid down the outside brick wall of the lunch room, curling into a ball and pressing my forehead to the cold, hard ground. I was feeling lightheaded now, my heart thumping in my throat, the lack of calorie consumption enhancing my distress and adding another element to this already fucked up situation. With weakness emitting from my pours, and physically and mentally exhausted, I tried to sit up, my head swimming with fatigue. I needed to eat something, anything. I knew I had pushed my body too far and the starvation was now taking its toll.

And yet, despite the failings of my body, all I could focus on was what Alice had said.

"He told Carlisle it was about a girl."

It could be a coincidence, right? I mean, the fact that after one stupid conversation with me Edward would go get his ass kicked on purpose was ridiculous. Why would it matter to him what I thought? I was trying to reassure myself, ease my aching conscience, but I couldn't help but feel responsible. I had seen the look on his face, flat and inhuman. And the way he had left that classroom, a mad dash out the door, it was obvious something was terribly wrong.

"Alice, I think I need to eat something," I mumbled into the ground. I was dangerously close to passing out, spots before my eyes, white and swirling, distracting my vision and I blinked trying to rid my sight of the intruders. I was starting to feel warm, sweat beading on my forehead and nose despite the cold mist and fog still hovering over the town. A light rain was dampening my hair and shirt now and I realized I was shaking, my fingers tingling and trembling. I kept wringing my hands, folding and unfolding them, desperately trying to get the shaking to stop.

"Bella, I'm going to take you to the nurse. Can you walk?" Alice was trying to lift me up from the ground but I was having difficulty supporting myself. I sat up slowly, trying to dissipate the vertigo.

"I just need something to eat, Alice. Can you get me a fucking cracker or something? Or some juice?" I could barely get the words out.

"Okay. I'm going to go get you something. Wait here." If I would have had the energy I would have rolled my eyes. I mean, honestly, where the hell was I going to go in this condition?

As I lay on the cool concrete, with precipitation saturating my shirt and my hair starting to stick to the skin of my forehead and neck, I struggled to find strength. The smell of wet concrete, earthy limestone and mineral, solidified in my head, the geological aggregate beginning to pull me from the confines of my incoherency. I inhaled deeply, just trying to gain some control of my body. I knew I was totally fucked. I mean, in addition to the fact that my body was starting to shut down, Alice was going to figure this shit out. I would have to explain my behavior and I didn't know what to say. I had already passed this shit off as nerves before, so there was no way all-knowing Alice was going to let this slide again.

Able to sit up now, I waited patiently for Alice to return, dreading the conversation that would surely take place. "We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came…" The Circle Game. Joni's tune slapped me in the face, demanding, questioning: How many times are we going to go through this, Bella?

When she returned she brought with her a package of Twinkies and a Coke. Are you fucking kidding me?

"I think you're going into shock, Bella," Alice said as she knelt down next to me, opening the package and handing me the squishy cake. It just reeked of high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil. Jasper had followed Alice out of the lunch room and was surveying my condition.

I hesitated, knowing that this may end badly. I hadn't had any type of sweets in years and I really had no desire to consume this chemical cataclysm of cake, but I knew I wouldn't be able to move until I had some sort of fuel racing through my blood, igniting my metabolism and regulating my bodily functions again.

"You need the sugar, just eat it," Jasper said, sensing my vacillation. I took a small bite, chewing quickly and swallowing the thick sponge. Alice handed me the now opened Coke and I swallowed the fizzy liquid, gulping the sugary syrup in an attempt to force the provisions into my system.

Alice and Jasper kept glancing at each other like I was five years old and mommy and daddy had to tell me my puppy had died. It was so fucking patronizing, I felt miserable that I had let myself get to this point. I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see the worry on their faces. I was not something to be worried about. I hated this more than anything. There are people out there with real problems, problems they have no control over. And here I am, willingly destroying myself. I didn't deserve any of it, their pity or their patience. I kind of wished they would just slap the shit out of me for being such a selfish asshole.

"You're wrong you know." Alice's voice was quiet and certain. "Whatever you're thinking, it's wrong."

Fuck, she is a tricky pixie! How the hell does she do that? I'm sure my face was a mix of shock and incomprehension because she just smiled and stood up.

"Alice, I'm sorry. I'm just…" I couldn't make my mouth form the words. I wanted to tell her but my own sense of self preservation was prohibiting me from giving her the truth. "I'm just…" I tried again.

"It's okay Bella. I know." Alice rescued me from my pitiful attempt at honesty. I didn't really know what this meant exactly, or how much she actually did know, but right now I was grateful for the interruption.

"Come on, we're going to take you home. Where are your keys?" Alice continued

"In my backpack, in the lunch room," I answered, and Alice went to get my things. I took another drink of the Coke, the carbonation tickling my throat. I was starting to feel normal again, my body ceasing to shake and spin. I knew we were dangerously close to the end of the lunch hour and really didn't feel like being a spectacle again today, so I allowed Jasper to help me to my feet. Alice returned, my backpack and coat in her arms, my keys in her hand. We walked to my truck, Jasper supporting most of my weight, and Alice linked onto my other arm.

…

I fell into my bed the moment my legs were able to reach the small room. My brain was just throbbing, the implications of this afternoon thick and sticky. I slept for hours, waking up well into the night rested and completely awake. It was fucking 2:30 in the morning and I was trapped in this prison of a room, with jack shit to do, alone with the constant nagging of my own conscious. I left my cell and headed downstairs, looking for a distraction, anything to pull me from own head. The house was completely silent, energy vibrating in my eardrums. The stairs creaked softly as I tried to silently navigate in the dark.

The small living room was pitch black and I waded my way to the secondhand couch. I sank into the velvet and stale plush, finding comfort in the springy coils groaning beneath me. Memories permeated my awareness, the relief I had found on this couch as a child was tangible and in my fingertips as I clutched the crocheted afghan that stretched across the back of the piece of furniture. I wove my fingers through the intricate series of knots, the yarn course and brittle with age. Bringing the scratchy fabric to my face, I inhaled deeply, dust and musk now enveloping me in a tide of emotion. Guilt, the gnawing burn of remorse bitter in my core, was truncated only by the span of self disgust pounding in my head. The hunger that I normally used for a distraction was satiated, the Twinkie and Coke swiftly absorbed and placating that emptiness.

Without the pills, my brain was an open wound, and without my permission it recollected the last time I had slept on this couch. I was nine years old and I had strep throat, and Charlie had taken me to the hospital. I really hated needles and I had cried like an infant when the nurse had brought the little syringe into the room. My dad, not wanting me to be alone in this misery, asked the nurse if she would shove a needle in his ass too. She declined, of course, but my dad saying ass to a complete stranger, to my nine year old self, was the most hilarious thing I'd ever heard. I giggled my way through the shot, and even during the ice cream sundaes that we had enjoyed afterwards, as I curled up on this very couch with this very fucking afghan, my toes twisted in the gaps. We had watched "Annie" and I had fallen asleep, content and loved, with sugar in my blood and a song in my head.

When had the shift occurred? I tried to remember my childhood mother, but all I could see was my father's face and smiling eyes, and I wondered what the catalyst was that destroyed that spark. In less than ten years, how had I found myself so removed from that child, a child that loved the man that was now choosing stagnation and sulking in that room above me? I wanted to feel that love again, I was just aching for it, the need causing my chest to gape and swell, guilt and hate and disgust pouring out as I pressed the bundle of blanket to my chest in an attempt to hold it all in because this is what I felt comfortable in, wrapped in a tiny cocoon of self pity and contempt. But it was all there now, every sense persistent and rich with recollection. I took some deep breaths, trying to gain control of this new influx of emotion. I remained in that position, curled in a ball, snared in the refuge of tangled yarn, just fucking feeling something other than hunger or intoxication, until the sky eventually lightened and the thick weight of the darkness had lifted. "Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings and fly away."

…

"Bella, just fucking try it on." Alice was handing me a yellow piece of itchy fabric, crinkled and flowing. There was no way that cheery ass color was getting on my body. It would be a total façade, the sunshine and warmth a fucking joke. I looked at the pile of clothing in my grip, a tumble of blacks and grays, the dark palette more pleasing to my aesthetic.

"I'm not going to wear that. I can't believe you think I would willingly put that shit on." I threw the shirt into the pile of color that was now accumulating in the aisle of the thrift store Alice had suggested for some new threads. Alice had this thing for thrift stores, she said she refused to pay ungodly amounts of money for something that companies pay peanuts to underdeveloped countries to manufacture. This was perfect for me, seeing as how my funds were seriously limited and I wasn't going to ask Charlie for cash. The party was tomorrow night and I was in dire need of some new clothes. The school day had passed without incident, Edward still missing from our Biology class, but now that I knew why, I was able to relax and concentrate somewhat. I even took some comfort in the fact that I knew why he was gone and the others didn't, like some sick inside joke I was just grateful to be a part of.

"You have to get something other than black. You need to broaden your spectrum. Color is beautiful, Bella. Don't be afraid! Step into the light…" She waved the yellow shirt which she had resurrected from the floor in front of my face, and I actually fucking flinched at the material. Alice's hair was spiky today, forming a slight peak on the top of her head, a picture of punk perfection.

"Can't we start with something a little less bright? Maybe a dark purple or something?" I searched the racks, finding a midnight blue jacquard blazer. "Like this!" I held the jacket up for her to see. "This is beautiful." I took the blazer off the hanger and tried it on, buttoning the center button. It was a light coat and wouldn't provide much warmth, but it hung nicely, adding somewhat of a curve to my stick figure.

"Bella, that's way too big. You're drowning in that thing." Alice pulled some tiny jeans off the rack and tossed them to me. "Here, you'll have to wear something really tight underneath that to balance out."

I held the pants up, checking the size. Size two. There was no way my ass was going to squeeze into these toddler pants. Alice is crazy.

"These aren't going to fit, Alice. I think I wear a size four." I threw them back at her.

Alice snorted, catching the pants, "Yeah, and I'm from the future. You're totally a size two. Stop being difficult and just try them on." She threw them back at me and continued to look through the racks, trying on shirts over her tank top in the aisle and continually reaffirming my ignorance when it came to this kind of shit.

I took the pants into the dressing room, along with the blazer and my handful of dark material. I could distinctly recall this past Christmas wearing a size four. My mom had bought me some slacks in the attempt to sharpen up my appearance. They were now circulating the Phoenix Goodwill, having not survived the great wardrobe purge. But I definitely remember them being a size four because Renee had been so proud of that fact. "That's the same size I had worn in high school! Before I had you, of course. Children ruin your body Bella. After having a baby, you're never the same." I had vomited twice that Christmas evening.

I pulled the stiff denim around my legs, expecting the material to strain. The pants pulled on easily, buttoning snugly, but comfortable. I was disgusted and amazed, staring at my reflection and the tiny silhouette that was staring back at me. How had I not noticed losing this much weight? You'd think I'd be able to perceive it every day, my current wardrobe growing larger as my body shrank. But I hadn't. I hardly paid attention, sure, but it had been only three months and already I had decreased two clothing sizes?

It had to be a mistake, the tag must be wrong. That could happen, right, especially in a thrift store? I mean, who knows where the hell this shit came from. I ripped the pants from my body, almost panicking when the pant leg got caught around my ankle, hopping and stumbling on one foot, desperate to have the material free from my skin. I threw them on the floor in disgust, and to my dismay, even stomped on them a little bit. Stupid thrift store toddler pants.

I left the wretched pants in the dressing room.

"Where are they?" Alice asked as I walked out, her arms full of clothing.

I shrugged, smoothing my tangled hair from my face and ignoring her suspicious eyes. "They didn't fit." I took my wallet and two peppermints from my bag, kindly giving Alice the hint I was ready to leave. I held up one of the mints to Alice and she took it from my hand, placing the other in my mouth. "I'm getting this jacket though, and these shirts."

"That's such bullshit, I know those pants fit. I've never been wrong, Bella. It's kind of my thing, do not take this away from me." The look on Alice's face was hilarious, as if her very self worth depended upon this admission. It was a little pathetic and utterly endearing.

"Alright, fine, they fit, but I looked ridiculous. Besides, I have lots of jeans. I really just need shirts. And this jacket. I totally need this jacket." I conceded.

"Honestly, Bella, you are so stubborn. Your lack of taste is almost self destructive." Alice popped the peppermint into her mouth, crumbling the wrapper and stuffing it into my tote.

Oh, Alice, you have no idea, I thought to myself.

…

We had gone shopping straight from school, and I was now wondering if Alice had a plan to get home and, more importantly, if I was going to be able to see where she and Edward lived. The thought of being given even this small detail had me envisioning the whole ordeal and romanticizing the occasion.

I'd been dying to see Edward since, well, truthfully, since he had stormed out of that classroom. But now that I knew I had quite possibly caused him so much pain, I wanted to assess the damage. I wanted to know what his face looked like, did he have any bruises or cuts? I mean, he hadn't been to school in two days, so it must have been pretty bad. More than anything, I wanted to apologize and explain about my big mouth, how sometimes it has a mind of its own and how sometimes I forget to use my filters. I would eat a huge ass pile of crow if he would just give me the chance.

When we pulled into my driveway I noticed a black Mercedes parked on the street in front of the house. I instantly thought something was wrong, this foreboding vehicle a symbol of gloom with its shiny dark paint and opaque tinted windows. Alice's reaction only perplexed me further.

"That's my uncle's car," Alice commented as we got out of the truck. "He must be here to check on Charlie."

I looked at her, confounded, What the Fuck probably plastered all over my telling face because she continued, "He's Charlie's doctor."

"Your uncle's a doctor?" I felt so ignorant, like a total idiot. I'd been living here with a man recovering from heart surgery and I didn't even know who his doctor was. In all honesty, I didn't really know anything about him at all.

"Yeah. Carlisle and your dad are buddies. He was there when your dad had the heart attack," Alice revealed nonchalantly.

"What? They're friends?" My voice was higher and louder than normal. I don't know why this information was shocking, it made sense that the town surgeon and the police chief would know each other, especially in a town as small as Forks. I guess I was irritated that knowledge of the elusive Edward Cullen could have been easily divulged at any time. Charlie probably knew everything about Edward and Alice. And then a shock of understanding made my stomach flip. How much about me did Carlisle know? I almost didn't want to find out because either way I would probably feel like shit.

"Yes," Alice answered, "they're friends. They used to go fishing together and Charlie would come over all the time to watch a game or just to shoot the shit." Alice was giving me the answers because she knew I couldn't ask the questions.

"Did he ever…" I was torn between not really wanting the answer and not being able to stop myself from asking. "Did he ever mention…me?"

The second the words were forced from my lips I instantly felt very vulnerable, yet eager to discover this small detail. It was something that had plagued me since my mom and I had left. Why hadn't he contacted us? Why didn't he try to find me? Was there some missing piece of this puzzle that I didn't know about, something that made this scenario something I could forgive?

Alice just shook her head, a reluctant silent no.

I nodded in understanding, my hope dissipating. I knew it. I had known all along. He didn't want me. He's a fucking cop for Christ's sake, he had connections and he could have tracked me down any time he wanted. The difference between ability and desire was apparent. He didn't give a shit. And I didn't know why.

"I'm sorry Bella." I could tell Alice was disappointed that she had to be the one to give me this information. I could tell that she wished she had a different answer for me. Believe me, so did I.

"Do be stupid, Alice. You had nothing to do with this." I was hoping to convey the right amount of reassurance and cool so that when I walked through that door my emotions wouldn't be so transparent.

"Oh, I know that. I'm just sorry he's been suck a prick." Alice definitely knows how to diffuse a situation. I was genuinely able to smile at that comment, allowing my emotions to stay beneath the surface.

"Thanks Alice," I paused, taking a deep breath through my nose. The air smelled of dew, crisp spruce and wet asphalt. "Me too."

Just as I turned to walk up the path to the front door it opened, and a very handsome man walked out of the house. I recognized the jaw line at once, the shape of his face distinctly familiar. He had short blond hair and crystal blue eyes that looked worn and knowledgeable. He was wearing a grey suit, a briefcase in his hand. He looked up, slightly startled to see us.

"Alice! What are you doing here?" He glanced at me as he addressed her, clearly assessing and making judgments about the situation. I could almost see the gears turning behind those clear pupils. He was a thinker, this one.

"Hey Carlisle. We were just shopping." Alice nodded her head towards me. "This is Charlie's daughter, Bella."

He looked at me now, meeting my eyes and sticking out a formal hand. "Ah, yes. I'm Carlisle Cullen, your father's doctor and friend. So nice to meet you Bella." He was wishing he could say I've heard so much about you, but he wasn't a liar, I could tell.

I met his hand with my own and mumbled, "Nice to meet you."

"How are you liking Forks so far?" Um, I'm pissing everyone off, I may have caused your nephew serious bodily harm because of my big fat mouth, and yesterday I thought my dad was dead and it freaked me out. Forks is fucking fantabulous.

"Forks is great. I'm lucky Alice has adopted me." It was a half truth.

He continued, "I was wondering when I would get to talk to you. Forgive me, I've been a little neglectful as of late. I usually check on my patients every other day." His demeanor was easy and nostalgic and he reminded me of a classic film, regal and undefiled by the masses, rich in storyline and sepia tone.

"No worries. He's been okay." I felt like such a damn fool. I had nothing to tell him, because I didn't really know. He should be talking to Billy or Sue, not me. I didn't have a clue what went on here during the day and I spent most of the evening in my room with my books, reliving some fictional character's experiences.

"Well, you see, I've spoken with Sue Clearwater and Billy Black. They seem to think he's had a rather negative attitude about his recovery. Would you agree?" Dr. Cullen tilted his head to the side, truly interested in my point of view, even though it was shit.

"Um…he's kind of quiet. He never moves from the bedroom. I don't even think he's been downstairs since I've been here." I knew this behavior wasn't conducive to a healthy recovery. Overachiever with internet access, remember? He needed to be moving to prevent blood clots and he needed to be practicing his deep breaths, to prevent pneumonia. He needed a positive mental attitude, because the psychological impact of this type of surgery could be devastating. He wasn't doing any of this and the consequences could be grisly, death being the most prominent. I knew all of this and still I tried nothing to fix it. Jesus, I am a total bitch.

"I was afraid of that. I'm going to need you to help him, Bella. He needs to start recovering. This stagnation that he's stuck in has to end. Do you think you can help us with this?" Dr. Cullen was staring intently at me, just pleading with me to agree. He must have been the doctor who called when Charlie had first had the heart attack because just like his last pleas for help, I couldn't say no.

"Yeah. I mean, I'll try. I really don't know what to say to him, he's so reclusive all the time, like mute. I don't know how much I can help." I didn't want to get the doc's hopes up. The way he was pleading with me you'd have thought I held the solution in my shopping bag.

"I think you can help more than you know," Dr. Cullen smiled and winked at me. What the hell did that mean?

"Okay." I looked down, feeling like the punch line to a joke I didn't understand.

"Well, it was nice to meet you Bella." Dr. Cullen looked over at Alice. "Are you going to be home soon Alice?"

"Actually, I can just ride with you. I was going to have Emmett pick me up after practice, but I'll just go with you now." Alice opened the door to the truck, reaching for her many bags, Dr. Cullen coming over to help her.

"Alright Bella. I'll see you tomorrow." Alice was barely visible behind her barrage of baggage.

"Okay, yeah. And thanks Alice, for the shopping." I was grateful to have something to wear that I hadn't already worn that week. I waited on the porch while Dr. Cullen and Alice got into the big black car, Alice waving as the car pulled away.

I sighed, trying to prepare for the task ahead of me. So, I'm supposed to convince the guy who basically denies my entire existence that he should man up, pull his head out his ass and get happy already? I wondered if Charlie owned any Broadway musicals. Those always made me laugh my ass off.

I walked into the house, pulling off my coat and dragging my new acquisitions to my room. I stood in my room for a moment in an internal battle of will, trying to make myself walk into Charlie's room. What the hell was I going to say to him? I couldn't even make myself well, how was I supposed to help somebody else?

I paced the hall outside Charlie's room before finally taking a deep breath and just barging in. Charlie was still in his bed, a various sporting event on the television. He had changed his sweats though, thank God for that.

"Hey, Dad?" I'm so horrible at this. I was trying to sound upbeat but that state of mind was so foreign to me, so it ended up sounding like a question instead.

Charlie startled in his position, grunting something that sounded like a "hmph", surprise and slight annoyance deep in his throat.

"Um, so what did you do today?" It seemed innocent enough. And I was, surprisingly enough, genuinely interested in the answer.

Charlie looked over at me, a sideways glance out of the corner of his eyes, like I was some swindler here to rip him off. I was starting to get annoyed with his totally unprovoked antagonistic responses. I mean, what the hell? Can't a daughter ask her father how his day was?

Charlie went back to watching television and I didn't know if he was even going to answer. I started to panic, the rejection of my attempt to converse stinging in my eyes. I turned to leave, but stopped when he finally responded.

"I didn't do shit today." His response was such a shift from the sparsely worded grunts and growls I was used to but I was still hesitant. I really did want to help Charlie because it was what I had come here to do, to offer my humility to Karma, but I still felt the aftertaste of Alice's bitter disclosure from earlier.

He continued through my silence, shocking the shit out of me. "I mean, what do you expect I did today?" He was annoyed, Dr. Cullen had probably already given him a similar speech to the one I was leading up to, and he saw it coming. "I've been sitting here, just like always. I can't do anything. I have nothing to watch and Billy can't cook for shit. I just want a beer and a steak and my pipe, none of this rabbit food bullshit. Can you get that for me Bella?"

Did he really think I was going to partner in his pity party or was this a rhetorical question? I honestly couldn't tell. I felt a strange kinship with my father in that moment. He wanted to indulge in those very habits that were killing him. He knew they were detrimental and he didn't care, either because he really wanted to disappear or because he was too selfish to change. Either way, I could relate.

I couldn't though, in good conscience, get him a smoke or a beer, but I could cook. Maybe not a steak, but something that could provide comfort just as easily.

"I'll make dinner tonight," I said, and turned to leave the room. I knew exactly what I wanted to make, it was a dish that my father had made for me when I was a child, usually when I was sick. It was a simple recipe, almost ridiculously basic, but the impact was always great, mentally and emotionally gratifying.

Before I could leave I needed to address the party situation. I needed to make sure someone could be here to look after him, in case Charlie needed anything and also, something told me he would not be as understanding as Renee when it came to underage drinking and possible drug use. But I didn't see how I could lie because everyone knows everyone's shit in Forks. I decided on exclusion as the best policy, only giving him information on a need to know basis. He needed to know I would be gone and I could tell him I would be with Alice, because that would be true. And I wasn't going to ask for his permission because, truthfully, he wasn't fathering me. He didn't deserve the right to tell me no, he hadn't earned it.

"Um, I'm going to a party with Alice Cullen tomorrow night. Is there someone that can stay with you while I'm gone?" I tried to ask confidently, like I wasn't scared shitless he would freak out upon hearing this information.

He stayed silent for a moment, rubbing his eyes with his fingers. He was trying to find the nerve to deny my proclamation but he knew as well as I did, he didn't deserve it. "Yeah, I can probably have Billy come stay with me." He sighed, defeat once more apparent in his expression.

"Okay, great. I won't be home too late." And you probably wouldn't even notice if I was.

He nodded his head in agreement, my signal to leave before he changed his mind. Once downstairs I began looking through the cabinets for the ingredients to make pastina. I didn't actually think Charlie would have these supplies due the condition the stove was in when I had arrived. It hadn't been used in months, dusty and filmed over.

I quickly found what I had been looking for, however, the plastic container of tiny star-shaped pasta with a dried basil leaf tossed in with the noodles to protect against grain festering pests, and chicken broth. That's it. I mean, yeah, you can add all kinds of shit to it like herbs and vegetables, but when I was younger this was all that you needed to make good pastina, the soupy star-noodles soothing the stomach and reminding me, once again, of all the good from my childhood.

I found a saucepan and filled it with water and added a bit of salt. Putting the pan on the stove, I turned on the gas and the burner lit in a warm flash of blue and white, sizzling away at some of the dust on the stovetop.

As the water heated I snagged my book from my bag and began reading. I was quickly entrenched in Yorkshire moors and vindictive parenting, personally reminded of the fucked up shit parents can do to their children.

It was such a betrayal. My parents had screwed me over royally. It didn't matter, the rationalization that my mother had conjured up to make her feel better about leaving my father. Or how my father had deemed it okay to forget the existence of a human being he helped to create. How am I supposed to be a functioning member of society with them as fucking role models? Both of them have failed in their basic, evolutionary purpose, survival of the fittest waving its iron talon at its sickly prey.

I wallowed in self pity until the water boiled, dissolving the chicken bullion and adding the tiny noodles, allowing them to soften. Pouring the soup into a large bowl, I carried it upstairs to Charlie, a slight trepidation building in my chest. Here goes nothing!

Charlie was watching some fishing challenge on ESPN, absorbed in the reels and flies, finding some sick satisfaction in the flailing creature desperately struggling for survival. I turned so I didn't have to see the screen.

"I made soup," I said, trying to sound indifferent like I hadn't been reminiscing over this fucking broth for the last twenty minutes. I set the bowl on the nightstand, torn between wanting to wait for Charlie's reaction and wanting to get the hell out of there.

Charlie stared at the soup for a moment. "You made pastina?" he questioned, accusatory in his tone. This may have been too much.

"Yeah," I replied defensively. "It's not like there were a lot of choices." Asshole!

"Huh." So we're back to the fucking grunts again. Charlie turned his attention to the television once more, leaving the soup on the nightstand untouched.

Dumbfounded and humiliated, I left the fuckhead to his childish pouting. I was at a loss. I forgot the rest of the pastina and left it on the stove as I curled up into the bed, climbing under the covers and engaging in my own childish pouting. "Stepping stones on sinking sand…"

…

"Turn left at the next street." Alice was sitting in the passenger seat of my truck, her legs curled beneath her. Emmett had dropped her off at my house so we could get ready and so I wouldn't have to arrive at this soirée alone. I think she was just afraid I wouldn't show up and she's absolutely correct in her assumption. There's no fucking way I'd be going to this party on my own. She was looking very grunge tonight, a flannel baby doll dress over purple leggings and, of course, those black Docs. Her hair was smoothed around her cosmetically enhanced face, channeling Cabaret Liza sans ugly black hat. I had chosen one of my new-to-me tee's, the blue blazer, and my number two jeans, because my number one jeans hadn't been washed all week. I left my hair down, my insecurities influencing all my choices this Friday evening.

I turned onto the small street and immediately saw a myriad of vehicles parked in front of a modest house. I had a shit of a time trying to parallel park this stupid truck but was able to find a spot on the crowded street.

As we walked up the slippery sidewalk, the fog forming a dense barrier of moisture in the atmosphere, Jasper trotted over to meet us. He looked rather rock and roll in his black jeans and t-shirt, a wool coat masking his slim stature. He took Alice's hand and in a very gentlemanly gesture brought her small fingers to his lips, meeting her eyes and captivating her attention. It was a most virtuous kiss yet sensuality swelled in their connection. Again I was the intruder and distanced myself from the lovebirds. Walking slightly ahead of them, I could only barely make out their conversation.

"He said he was going to come tonight. I know, I was super irritated, because that means we won't be able to hang out," Alice was murmuring in her musical voice.

"We can hang out. I'm allowed to be friends with you, Alice. Just because you're brother has some superhero complex doesn't mean you're not allowed to have fucking friends." Jasper had lit a cigarette, the earthy aroma glaring in my nostrils.

"I know. Just be careful, okay? I will not visit you in prison, but something tells me you won't be very lonely," Alice giggled, borrowing his cigarette and taking a long pull.

"Yeah, yeah. No physical contact, no adoring glances, no deep conversation. The masquerade is officially on." Jasper took the cigarette from her fingers and placed it in the corner of his mouth. He reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a small package wrapped in a paper bag. "I gotta go deliver this to Newton. I'll be around shortly. Don't get too fucked up without me, love." He spoke out of the side of his mouth, balancing the still burning cigarette between his lips.

Alice stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He nodded casually at me and walked into the house that was now in front of us, alternative rock straining against the plexiglass. I waited for Alice to catch up and we walked through the large wooden door.

The room was throbbing with bodies. The music provided a rich, calm beat, smooth and penetrating, and the majority of the room's inhabitants were pulsating along with the bass, their heads bobbing up and down, just feeling it. It was beautiful, the unison of the motion, everyone moving as one, yet each internalizing a different reaction. I, personally, am most affected by the lyrics, so I struggled to pay attention to the verse. "Here I am and I want to take a hit of your scent 'cause it gets so deep into my soul, Ooh I want you…"

"Come on, we need drinkage." Alice grabbed my hand, meandering through the thick wall of swaying bodies. As we wove through the room I looked for the bronze hair and the tall, lanky frame. If I could just see his face, see the damage I had done, I would be able to relax. We found bottles and bottles of alcohol set up in the kitchen on the island in the center of the room. The sink was filled with ice, bottles of beer, ales and ciders as well as fruity malts. Weak ass shit. I needed the hard liquor if this night was going to be any kind of worthwhile.

Alice grabbed huge bottles of Jagermeister and Southern Comfort, holding them up for me to see, asking for approval. I nodded towards the Comfort, Jager just a little too thick for my stomach. She put the other bottle down and poured two tumblers of Comfort, handing one to me, clinking my glass, and downing the entire glassful. Impressive for such a little shit. I followed suit and she had my glass refilled almost the instant I had pulled it away from my lips. I downed the second glass as she grabbed the bottle of Comfort and pulled me out the back door.

And when we walked outside the vision before me truly inhibited my normal thought process, because there he was. Edward. He was sitting with Rosalie and Emmett at this picnic table under an EZ up. I couldn't see his face, the darkness of the night and shadows cast by the canopy hiding his features, but I started to freak out because I realized where Alice was leading us. Please don't let me fuck up today.

When we reached them, Edward was still looking at the wood grain of the table, picking at the paint with his finger, so I took a moment to survey his injuries. He had an inch long gash on his cheek, the black knots weaving through the skin on his striking face. My stomach twisted at the sight of the scabbed-over lip, the bridge of his nose swollen and protruding, his lovely eye covered in purple and green flesh, distended and distorting his appearance. He looked so vulnerable, so exposed, and I had never seen anything more beautiful in all my life. I wanted to soothe his injuries, run my fingers over the planes of his cheekbones and jaw line, offering some form of comfort for the harm I had caused. I'm sure my desire was plastered all over my face and, quite honestly, I didn't even want to try to hide it. I wanted him to know how I ached over this, how wrong I had been to open my big fucking mouth.

Alice walked over to her brother and pulled him from his fiddling. "Hey, jackass," Alice said, teasing and placing the liquor on the table. "So you really came, huh?"

Edward looked up, first at his sister and then at me, the shift in his demeanor blatant as he passed from warm and friendly to green and cool. He instantly became stiff, avoiding my eyes and staring only at my sneakers.

"Hey, Alice," he muttered quietly.

Alice continued, sensing his reluctance. "Hey, so this is Bella, Charlie's daughter." Alice motioned to me. "Bella, this is my brother, Edward."

I looked right at him, willing him to just look at my face. I was starting to get a little self conscious about my shoes.

Urged by the adult beverage I had just ingested, I decided to take the lead. "Hey, I think we have Biology together or something," I responded. "Nice to finally meet you properly, Edward." I held out my hand, to touch him, shake his hand. I was going to fucking die if he pulled a Charlie and left me hanging.

Edward shifted his gaze to my outstretched hand. Like before he avoided my eyes, but contemplated taking my hand. He stared at it for a second or two, before taking my hand into his, fingers wrapping around the base of my wrist, and I swear to fucking God, I heard angels sing when he touched me. The current of electricity buzzing through my arm and into my very core gyrated and curled, sending a spark straight into my soul. "And the loose wires were lashing out at me…"

Finally, Edward met my eyes, our skin still in contact, my arm now tingling and flooding with warmth. He was close enough to smell and I recognized the clean, delicious sweetness, longing to drink him in. His gaze was foreign, his injury altering his stare, but the cool green beneath the swollen lid revealed his disbelief. He'd felt it too, I was sure. The thought of this made me giddy and I smiled a little, despite my best attempts to remain neutral.

And then Edward pulled his lips into a grin, one side slightly higher than the other. "Yeah, Biology. I'm so glad to see you, Bella," he responded, still holding my hand. He looked so good, his plain white t-shirt damp with moisture. Why didn't he have a coat on? He had to be freezing.

I was hoping this meeting looked casual and generic because Alice was still watching us, and a crowd of various people had started to crowd around the picnic table and under the canopy. The rain was falling quietly and softly now, a light feather of a mist, but it was enough to send the girls into a panic, their pretty painted faces and artificially articulated hair at risk of ruin by the weather.

It was at this time that Jessica fucking Stanley, the very same bitch that had copied my notes in Spanish just earlier today, fucking ruined the greatest moment I had had in, well, ever. She walked up to Edward and sat down sideways in his lap. He dropped my hand, ignoring my eyes again. I turned around, my back facing them. From this proximity I could hear her whisper but I only caught certain words, suck, dick, come being the three that would surely induce vomit.

I grabbed Alice's arm and the Comfort, opening it and swigging from the bottle, and walked out the side gate pulling Alice with me. I stopped at the side of the house, the rain dewing on my untamed mane. I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol now, but it wasn't the feeling I wanted.

"Alice, I'm going to need something stronger than alcohol," I hedged, hoping like hell she didn't look down on dopers.

Alice appraised my expression and finally asked me, "What do you want?"

"Um, pot? Or pills? It doesn't really matter," I answered. Jesus, I hope this wasn't a joke because she seemed to know where to get some shit.

"Okay, let's find Jasper." Alice took the bottle from my hand and, taking a swig, turned to find her Jasper.

We weaved through the house again, looking in the bedrooms and bathrooms first. Jasper was in the kitchen, fixing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Alice walked up to him and whispered something in his ear. He grinned, shaking his head and winking at me. Um, I'm am idiot. How did I not see this one coming? Secretive, brown paper bags, constant meetings; Jasper is a dealer. No wonder Alice is keeping this shit under wraps.

Jasper inhaled his sandwich, him and Alice crossing the small distance to where I was standing. "So, Bella, you want to get faded?" Jasper asked, a grin playing on his lips.

Alice reached into Jasper's jacket pocket, pulling out a pipe and bag of weed. She put it into her own pocket and pulled me outside, Jasper following behind us.

"Where are we going?" I asked Alice, perplexed. Couldn't we just smoke on the porch?

"Your truck. Your dad's a cop, Bella. You can't just fucking smoke a bowl in front of all of Forks." Alice dropped my wrist now and grabbed Jasper's hand, bringing it to her lips.

"Right, never had to worry about that shit in Phoenix," I muttered. The three of us hopped into the truck, Alice sitting bitch. She packed the bowl diligently and lit the pipe with her pink lighter, drawing in a deep breath and passing me the pipe.

I did the same, holding in my breath until I was lightheaded and exhaled the smoke into the small cab of the truck which was quickly becoming thick with haze. I passed the paraphernalia back to Alice who passed it to Jasper. Within ten minutes the contents of little baggie were gone and I was finally feeling some relief. I was utterly relaxed, fucking toasted, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm. All thanks to Jasper.

"So, Jasper, can you get anything else?" I asked, feeling him out. I needed those fucking pills damnit.

"Naw, Bella. I don't deal with the hard shit, not worth my trouble. Why, what do you need?" Jasper looked at me through narrowed eyes.

"Um, I used to get these pills in Phoenix. I think they're for ADD or some shit. They like, really help me focus." I wouldn't bring up what they did to my appetite; they didn't need to know that detail.

"Pills, huh? I'll see what I can do." Jasper put his arm around his Alice and kissed her on the side of her forehead. "Come on, let's get back to the party. Newton's got a whole case of Stout in the fridge in the garage that nobody knows about."

We got out of the truck, still fucking soaring, and walked back to the party. Alice and I set up camp outside on the four foot brick pony wall separating the Newton's front yard from their neighbors, Jasper trying like fuck to boost us up onto the wall. Once Alice and I were perched on the wall, Jasper went to get the Guinness. I didn't have the wherewithal to realize that this probably was a horrible idea, me sitting on a fucking brick wall, totally smashed. Jasper returned with the case of beer and a bottle opener. We spent the next half hour drinking and flicking bottle tops at Newton's car.

"You have to fucking aim with your elbow, Bella." Alice was trying to teach me the fine art of flicking bottle tops. I pinched the top between my thumb and middle finger and snapped, like she had taught me. The top went flying, hitting the tire of Mike's car parked in the driveway. I giggled like crazy, just ecstatic it didn't hit me in the face this time.

"Did you see that? I fucking hit his tire and shit. I'm getting better, I swear. I'm going pro. Fuck school, I'm going to flick caps for a living." I finished off my bottle, dropping it carefully into the pile that had accumulated on the gravel below our feet.

It was almost enough to force Edward and fucking ho-bag Jessica from my brain.

But, because Karma hates my guts, as soon as I was drunk enough to forget that Edward didn't want me, there he was. Fucking furious and shit, glaring at me, at his sister, and at Jasper. And I couldn't help it, I had to just fucking laugh, because he looked so hot when he was pissed.

I nudged Alice, "Dude, look at your fucking brother. What the hell's his problem?"

Alice immediately changed her demeanor. She hopped off the wall, falling to the gravel and stumbling to get back up. She shuffled over to Edward, putting her arm on his shoulder.

"Edward, my brother, why do you have such a bad look on your face?" She pinched his cheek and he flinched, his injury irritated by the contact.

Alice was mortified, "Shit, Edward. I'm so fucking sorry. Are you okay?"

Edward pulled his face from her hand. "Alice, were you fucking smoking? You smell like weed." Edward was looking at Jasper now, staring him down.

Alice laughed, slightly pushing his shoulder. "Oh, that was fucking ages ago. We're totally smashed now, though. And Bella can hit Mike's car, so that's good for her." Alice turned around to give me a thumbs up.

I returned the signal, feeling slightly dizzy now. Sitting on the pony wall was quickly becoming the worst idea ever. I grabbed Jasper's arm to brace myself.

"Fuck, I think I'm going to fall," I said to Jasper.

"We have to get you down from here." Jasper jumped down off the wall at that point, just as a large group of kids walked out the front door.

Momentarily distracted, we watched the kids walk down the driveway. I recognized some of them, one of them Lauren I think, and one was named Tyler. Anyway, they were getting closer to the wall and I wanted to ask one of them to help me down, but I was having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence at this point. Just as I was going to open my mouth, one of the guys pushed the kid Tyler, I think trying to fuck with him or something. Tyler was out of control already, totally drunk, and maybe it was the weed or all the fucking alcohol or the hunger, but I saw Tyler colliding with me in slow motion, like an out of body experience, his shoulder knocking into me hard.

I heard someone yell my name and then I was flat on my back, my head smacking against the pavement with a deafening crack, on the other side of the wall. My back was wet, my jacket soaked through from the soggy asphalt. I was seeing fucking stars, just white flashes of brilliance, and for a brief moment I thought I saw an angel, mini quasars bursting around his face, giving him an iridescent glow, and I heard a soothing voice in my ear, a tender touch on my neck. And the next thing I knew I was being lifted from the wet ground, an intoxicating smell infiltrating my awareness. I just wanted to gobble up the owner of this scent, this delicious euphoria causing my stomach to literally ache. This was no angel, this being was pure sin. "Like a devil wearing wings…"

...

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A/n
Okay, so only Bella this time, because that bitch is wordy! Edward will be next...be prepared to swoon!

Joni songs referenced:

Midway

A Case of You

The Last Time I Saw Richard

I Think I Understand

Oh, and one Third Eye Blind reference, because I saw them in concert in Ventura on Tuesday and it was an out of body experience. I love them, absolutely love them.

Your reviews are like calming whispers to the chaotic pounding of my brain.