A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Twenty-Five - When I Think of Rose, My Heart Begins to Tremble

Darlings,

Long time no talk my sweets! Happy New Year to you all and I hope you were safe and maybe a little naughty. Okay, I hope you all got plowed and had the time of your life!

I did an interview with Tanya from So You Think You Can Write. Check out the linkage on my profile if you're interested.

I have to give a special hello to a new reader, 1smrtcooki, who is indeed one smart cookie. Your messages are priceless, my dear. Also, Tallman, the self-proclaimed oddity of this fandom, I'm so glad you read and I applaud you my friend.

Darling beta n7of9, who would have thought they'd actually let me carry a chocolate cake on an airplane…red velvet with cream cheese frosting for next time! Big thanks to you, my sweet soul sister…

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

...

EPOV

I felt like I was in the fucking Twilight Zone. Bella had been submerged in her father's letters for the last twenty-four hours and had even fallen asleep on a heap of Charlie's clothes. I was beginning to worry about her. She hadn't slept well in days nor had she been eating; she spent all her time smoking Charlie's pipe and reading his old newspaper clippings, completely losing track of time while lost in her father's past life. I had carried her to bed early this morning after I had woken up alone, grasping for her body and finding nothing once again. I knew she needed to do this, to grieve and deal with her loss, and I wanted to be there for her as she walked this path, but I didn't want her to abuse her body in the process.

Then Rosalie showed up this morning, frantically pounding on the door and fucking hysterical. She proceeded to tell me that she's pregnant and that she needs to talk to Bella. What the hell? Since when did Bella become the support hotline for emotionally wrecked bitchy pregnant chicks? And since when was Rosalie fucking pregnant? My eyes immediately darted to her belly where I noticed a small bump protruding from beneath her sweater. Shit! How had I not noticed that before? I was stunned, unable to form coherent sentences, and not entirely sure what to say to her. "Congratulations" didn't really seem appropriate given the fact that she was bawling her fucking eyes out, so I told her that Bella was asleep and even though it was well past noon there was no way in hell I was going to wake her up. I let Rosalie cry while trying not to say anything that would offend her, but I was still a little apprehensive because, well, I'd only seen Rosalie cry one other time and she fucking socked me in the jaw because of it. Two years ago we had gone hiking and I had accidentally elbowed her in the boob. It must have hurt pretty badly because she started crying and then, out of nowhere, she punched me square in the jaw. That shit fucking hurt too.

My apprehension must have been sneaking into my features because Rosalie rolled her eyes at me and used her sleeve to wipe her face. "Shit, Edward, I'm not going to hit you. Not today, anyway."

"Where's Emmett?" I asked. The two of them were supposed to be leaving for Pullman this morning. Holy fuck, Emmett was going to be a dad! The realization was crippling and left my thoughts a jumbled pile of uselessness.

"He's at home. I went by myself to visit my parents. When I pulled up at the Cullens' all hysterical and shit, Esme got really concerned so Emmett told her and, of course, Jasper and Alice overheard. Esme called Carlisle and he came home from the hospital. They were pretty upset, Carlisle especially. I wanted to give them some time alone but I have nowhere else to go." Her lips trembled, tears streaming down her cheeks again. "My parents hate me and now Esme and Carlisle probably do too. Shit, I have totally fucked everything up."

I smoothed my fingers through my hair - I was fucking floored at hearing all this. The stairs creaked and I heard Bella moving swiftly down the steps, her features stricken as she glanced from my face to Rosalie's.

"They know, Bella. Everyone knows now," Rosalie said, her cheeks streamed with tears again. They know. Did Bella already know about this? I looked up at her to appraise her reaction; there was no shock, no speechlessness. Bella moved to sit by Rosalie and held her hand, calm as all fuck. Yes, I'd say Bella was well aware of said pregnancy. Well, fuck me!

I was starting to think Bella had become the family confidante or some shit. She had known about Alice and Jasper before anyone else, and now Emmett and Rosalie's little surprise bundle of joy. I was tempted to ask her if Carlisle and Esme were hiding anything I should know about.

Anyone could have guessed why Rosalie would want to keep her pregnancy a secret, her parents are complete assholes. They totally turned their backs on Jasper and all he did was date a girl they didn't like. I couldn't imagine what they had done to their prodigious Rosalie.

Rosalie proceeded to explain how she had felt moved to bond with her parents after Charlie's funeral, to try to reclaim some of the damaged relationship. She had gone over there just to talk to them, to feel that unity of family, and in the end they had disowned her. I had never cared for Rosalie but, shit, that was fucking harsh.

"What did Emmett say about this? And Carlisle and Esme?" Bella asked, and I found myself leaning into the conversation, wondering how my cousin, who was only a year older than me, was going to support a family.

"Emmett wants to quit school and get a job so we could get our own apartment, but I can't let him do that. I refuse to let him give up school. And Carlisle and Esme…well, they weren't as bad as my parents, that's for sure. They were disappointed, I could tell. But Esme hugged me and told me she loved me before I left," Rosalie explained, her tears subsiding as she spoke of my family.

I knew Carlisle and Esme would not have been disappointed by the pregnancy but rather the restriction of opportunity this would mean for Emmett and Rosalie. They wanted everything for Emmett, of course; he was their only son and he had been a pretty good kid. He was a hard worker, got good grades, he didn't get into trouble, and he had a plan. Emmett really did have every opportunity at his fingertips, but now there would be something more important than himself to focus on. I was sure Esme and Carlisle would get over it and eventually would be able to accept this and move on, and they would love this baby no matter what because they love their son and they accept him wholly, including all his misjudgments, shortcomings and pitfalls. Truthfully, if anyone here were fit to be a parent, it was Emmett. He'd had the best role models imaginable, reminding me of yet another staggering disparity between my cousin and myself.

A new wave of distress washed over Rosalie as she heaved a fresh sob and tears spilled once again from behind her eyelids.

"I have nowhere to go, Bella." Rosalie kept wiping at the tears but they just kept rolling down her cheeks. "I'm not allowed to step foot inside my parents' home and Carlisle and Esme are already playing safehouse to too many teenagers." I looked at her sharply, slightly offended at her statement seeing as how I was one of the said teenagers.

"Well, it's fucking true. They don't need another houseguest," she said. I knew this wasn't entirely true, but I wasn't about to argue with her. Apart from the fact that Carlisle and Esme would never turn Rosalie away, I hadn't actually slept there myself in over a week. I knew my aunt and uncle were letting it slide because they didn't want Bella to be alone, but I didn't know how long that would last. Eventually, they would probably expect me to go home, but I figured as long as they weren't saying anything about it, I wouldn't either.

"You could live here," Bella said surprisingly. She barely knew Rosalie and they had spent the majority of their time together trading passive aggressive insults, yet here she was offering her room and board. Like I said, fucking Twilight Zone.

"You can have Charlie's room. I've been going through his stuff anyway. I'll pack it up and we can move you in as soon as you'd like," Bella continued.

"What? I…that's not why I came here. I just…I…" Rosalie stuttered. The thought of Rosalie Hale needing anything was mind-boggling. She was probably the proudest person I'd ever met and I knew this was killing her.

"I know," Bella interrupted. "I need a roommate anyway. I've never lived alone, and I'm a little scared. You know, to do this on my own." I glanced up at Bella in admiration. I knew what she was doing, letting Rose feel needed instead of needy. Bella would be fine on her own, she had practically been living alone for the majority of her life. She was doing this purely for Rosalie's benefit, and it was purely out of the goodness of her heart.

"Thank you, Bella. I'd really like that, to live here," Rosalie said quietly.

"Right. Then it's set. I'll finish cleaning up Char…the room," Bella said as Rosalie nodded, wiping her nose on her sleeve again

Bella glance up at me with questioning eyes and I gave her a small smile, which she returned. Rosalie's eyes darted between us before she gave an exasperated sigh, rolled her eyes, and moved to the stairs.

"I gotta pee, this kid is using my bladder as a trampoline," she muttered as she walked up the stairs to use the restroom. As I watched her leave the room I was clouded in astonishment. Rosalie was going to be a mother. She was going to have a child, my cousin's child no less, the thought a tad daunting when I considered the task ahead of them. I knew it was going to be hard and shit, but they would be good parents. Even though Emmett was a big kid himself, he could handle this, so if he was okay with it, then so was I. And I wasn't worried about Rosalie. She could handle anything.

Bella wrapped the afghan around herself and moved to sit on my lap in the large chair, snuggling into my chest and exhaling a sigh of relief. I kissed the top of her head, her hair now wrapped up in a sloppy bun. I inhaled her sweet scent as the soft stray strands tickled my face.

"Are you okay? You've been really quiet," Bella asked. "Are you in shock? I mean, I was completely stunned."

"You knew," I stated, and she nodded her head, craning her head to meet my eyes. She smiled to herself with hidden humor and I gave her an inquisitive glance wondering what the joke was. "What?" I asked.

"Oh, it's just that I kinda caught her puking, that's how I found out. I was just smiling at the irony. Usually I'm the one getting caught hugging the porcelain," she shrugged. Turning to face me and reaching to press her lips to mine, she added "I'm just glad everyone knows now. It was seriously killing me that I couldn't tell you, but I promised Rosalie I wouldn't say anything. I didn't even tell Alice." Bella yawned, her hands rubbing at her eyes as she finished the statement.

"How late were you up last night?" I asked.

Her eyes surveyed mine as she answered, "Pretty late, but it was so worth it. My dad wrote letters to Renee too, and she responded. He kept all her letters."

"What did they say?" I was just as curious as her to find out how Renee had kept Charlie away all those years. Charlie's absence from Bella's life didn't really ever make sense to me. Charlie was a stubborn guy, there's no way he would have let Bella go without a fight.

"You need to read them. It won't sound the same coming from me. You have to hear it straight from the stupid bitch's mouth," Bella responded harshly, and I frowned. I had hoped the letters would appease some of the stress Bella was feeling but her anger towards her mother only seemed to intensify with each revelation. Whatever was in those letters couldn't have been good.

Rose came clunking down the stairs then, her boots heavy on the complaining staircase. Her stomach was sticking out profusely now, the small bump starring me right in the face. I shook my head in bewilderment, amazed that she had been able to hide that thing for so long. Actually, I had no fucking idea how long she'd been hiding it.

"So, how long until it's done?" I asked, pointing to her stomach. I hadn't meant it to be offensive, yet after I heard myself I realized I had just called her baby an it. I braced for the worst, knowing the wrath of Rosalie could only have gotten worse with the influx of hormones.

But she just shrugged her shoulders, her hands smoothing her hair as she answered. "The online due date calculator said the beginning of May. I haven't actually seen a doctor yet. I didn't want my parents to find out from an insurance statement or some shit." Bella snorted at this and again, I looked at her inquisitively. She just shook her head and muttered something about Charlie's letters, and I figured she must still be thinking about Renee.

"I guess it doesn't matter anymore," Rosalie said bitterly, her hand swiping at her cheek again. "Bella, can I use your phone to call Emmett? My cell phone is um, no longer in service," she asked quietly.

"Of course, anything you need, just help yourself," Bella responded and shifted to lean her back against me. I was fucking itching to go upstairs and read those letters now, Bella's remark reigniting my curiosity, but she needed to eat something first.

"What do you want for breakfast?" I asked her, nuzzling my nose into the base of her jaw and letting my lips move across her skin. She turned her head to face me, her lips catching mine.

"You," she giggled, her lips pressing against mine more forcefully now. I smiled at her teasing, delighted to indulge, but more concerned with satisfying necessities first.

"Bella, seriously, you need to eat something. What can I make for you?" I asked again, shifting from under her so that I could get up from the chair, my mind replaying the scene from Charlie's funeral, the fear and panic that had surrounded me as Bella collapsed, and I struggled to keep the betrayal out of my face.

She sat reluctantly in the chair, dejected and pouting, the rejection plain on her face. "I'm not hungry," she scowled. Confusion overwhelmed my thoughts - was she pissed?

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, her irritation evident in every movement she made. Even her blinking was hostile.

"Nothing. I'm fine, everything is fine," she replied, her voice monotone and not so convincing.

"Is this one of those things where you're really not fine, and you're going to let me keep on asking you what's wrong for the next six hours and you keep saying you're fine, but you walk around here with a stick up your ass until finally you break down in a hysterical fit over something that could have easily been resolved to begin with?" I smirked at my response. I had meant it to be funny, meant for it to be a joke because Bella never really acted like that. I thought she would see the humor in it

She didn't.

"Do you even realize you're being a total ass?" Bella asked me. "I mean, I'm practically dry humping your leg here and all you can think about is what I've eaten today." Shit. I could see her frustration now and she's right, I am an ass. That didn't negate the fact that she hadn't eaten much since Charlie died. That didn't negate the fact that she had been neglecting herself, starving herself of food and sleep and care since that night. She was slipping back into her old self destructive behavior and she was completely oblivious to it.

Or she just didn't give a fuck.

I couldn't decide which one was worse.

She threw the afghan on the couch and pulled the stretchy band from her hair, allowing her locks to fall across her shoulders and down her back, her father's flannel still wrapped around her torso.

"I'm fine, I'm just not hungry. I'll eat when I'm hungry, okay?" Bella said, running her fingers through her hair.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just how I fix things Bella, with…a meal, I guess. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just worried." I paused, unable to stop the rest of my thoughts from spewing forth. My mind was telling me to shut the fuck up but somehow my ability to control my mouth utterly failed. "Can you just try to eat something today? I'll leave you alone if you just promise you'll try to eat something," I pleaded, hoping she'd take the compromise. This wasn't what I wanted to say, I wanted to trust her, believe her when she said she was fine, but the truth was that I didn't think she was fine.

Bella sighed, her arms folded across her chest, her small body shaking on the couch, but she didn't freak out so I continued with my pleading. I figured it didn't really matter what I said at this point as she was already pissed, so I might as well get it all out now.

"Come on, Bella. You can't even promise me you'll try? I'd have no way of even knowing if you were really trying and since you're so accomplished at hiding shit, I'd think it'd be easy to give me this promise, even if it's an empty one." Panic welled in my chest, her reluctance fueling my suspicion that her lack of consumption was intentional.

"It's not that Edward," Bella said, her voice etched with sadness and fatigue. "I just don't want to lie to you." Like a steel blade slicing through me, her words fucking cut. I closed my eyes, drowning in the fury slowly beginning to smolder within me.

Rosalie walked into the room and fell onto the couch, the springs groaning beneath her as she sank into the musty velvet. "Emmett's coming over. He can't stand being in that house with his parents right now. They just keep telling him they need some time to process the whole thing. God, it's tearing him up."

I just nodded and walked into the kitchen, anxious to get out of the room. Fuck! Why couldn't she just eat something? I tried to tell myself it had only been a week and that everything would be fine as soon as things settled down. This is the only way I could stave off my feelings of panic and anxiety that began to bubble every time I thought about what Bella had eaten this week, or rather what she hadn't eaten.

Rosalie and Emmett drove back to Pullman that night. Rosalie had to pack up all her shit to come back to Bella's, and Emmett had already missed a day of class. His semester had been paid for and Rosalie insisted that he continue to take classes, even though it meant they would be apart for most of the twelve week quarter. He reluctantly agreed, eased somewhat at the thought that Rosalie wouldn't be alone, and planned on making the five hour trek back to Forks every weekend. His next break wouldn't be until Spring Break in March and then he planned on taking the spring quarter off so he could be with Rose while they adjusted to life with their new baby.

The Hales had already canceled Rose's lease on the apartment and the payment they had made for her classes, so she was officially dropped from the registrar. They didn't confiscate her car like she had thought they would because, as it turns out, the BMW was paid for and in her name, a gift for her sixteenth birthday, and I bet the Hales were kicking themselves in the ass for that one. This stroke of good luck allowed Rosalie to be more proactive in her situation, and she went and did something I don't think she actually really ever planned on doing in her lifetime - she got a job.

Rosalie would be working at the call center at the hospital. And yes, Carlisle had gotten her the position, but Rosalie had gone to speak with my aunt and uncle after she had moved into Charlie's house. She apologized for disappointing them, told them her plan for the future and asked for help getting a job. I couldn't refute it, Rosalie was showing a lot of maturity throughout this whole situation and she had actually been almost pleasant to be around. Don't get me wrong, she had used my head as a pissing post a couple of times during the past month, screeching in the mornings when she wanted to use the bathroom or bitching about my clothes accidentally getting thrown into the washing machine and mixing with hers, but she hadn't once threatened death by dismemberment, a definite improvement in our relationship.

I had been staying at Bella's off and on since we had gone back to school. I didn't want to overstep Carlisle's generosity because he was being really cool about the situation. I mean, there wasn't anything he could technically do about it, I was eighteen, an adult and free to leave his guardianship if I desired. But I really did appreciate and respect my aunt and uncle and everything they had done for me and Alice, and I missed my sister sometimes. For these reasons I tried to spend a couple of nights a week with them. Sometimes Bella would tag along, sometimes she would stay home with Rosalie, and some days she would just hang out by herself, rereading her father's letters, smoking his pipe - on the porch now since Rosalie had sanctioned a ban on smoking in the house - and just drowning herself in her own suffering. On these days, anxiety grasped my pounding heart, reminiscent of those times when I forced myself to repress my ticking bomb. I would spend these days cooking, the comfort of the kitchen soothing the panic and occupying my mind so I wouldn't lock Bella in the house until she gorged herself on pasta and bread and whatever else I could find in the fridge. Esme's freezer looked like she was planning for an apocalyptic zombie takeover or something.

Bella had let me read the letters from Renee and we talked for a long time about what we thought had happened, piecing together the cryptic information to come up with a most likely scenario. I was surprised by half the shit I read, finding Renee's explanations and methods of thinking to be completely fucked. Truthfully, I was indifferent to Renee. She had accidentally gotten pregnant early in her life and for that I was eternally grateful, but other than that she was nothing to me. Charlie, on the other hand, was a good guy. He was a good friend to my family and had even saved my ass a couple of times during my destructive phase with a slap on the wrist and a blind eye when he could have made things really shitty for me. I was really grateful for this and it was entirely because of him that I managed to maintain a clean criminal record.

It turns out Renee had served Charlie with divorce papers a couple of months before she left. She asked him to turn over guardianship of Bella to her and he did, probably thinking Renee really wasn't going to leave. She filed for divorce and was looking into moving out of state when she found out she was pregnant. Desperate to end the pregnancy and afraid that Charlie would find out, she skipped town, taking Bella with her and leaving Charlie with a "Dear John" letter that pushed him toward self destruction. She didn't have much cash but she was still covered by Charlie's insurance, so she went and had an abortion, thinking they would send the insurance information to her new address. Of course, they hadn't. They sent it to the policy holder: Charlie. He freaked out, flew to Phoenix to try to get her to come back to Forks, threatened all kinds of legal shit, and demanded to see his daughter. Renee refused, told him to go, that Bella was happy and didn't want to see him. Renee begged him to leave them alone and Charlie complied - because he did love Bella and he would have done anything for her, even if it killed him to do so. He just wanted what was best for her and had believed Renee when she said that Bella didn't want to see him.

As expected, Bella was disgusted by her mother's behavior and showed her no mercy, her anger biting through every attempt I made to explore Renee's point of view. "No" she had said, "She doesn't deserve one speck of your time, not to mention your sympathy."

The first week back to school was fucking miserable. Bella spent a lot of time in the bathroom with Alice, ditching class to smoke instead, and I spent a lot of time sitting by myself in fucking useless lame-ass classes. I didn't think she was purging, I hadn't caught that peppermint smell on her breath, but I rarely saw her eating much either. At times she would appease me, or at least try, by pushing the food around her plate and taking small bites and washing it down with water, the whole time managing my gaze, making sure I recognized her attempt. This wasn't how I wanted things to be, I didn't want her to have to try to appease me, to make me happy. I wanted her to eat because she wanted to, because she saw the necessity in taking care of her already stressed body.

But, in the words of the highly exalted and prophetic Mick Jagger, you can't always get what you want - you get what you need. I was still trying to find out what part of Bella starving herself was needed. Maybe it wasn't about what I needed; maybe this was what Bella needed, to regress so she could move on, you know, two steps forward one step back, or whatever the fuck the saying is.

If this was all I would get, her half-assed attempts to appease me, I would take it. At least it was better than purging, at least this way she was making an attempt. I tried to remain positive, telling myself this was just a speed bump in her progress and that it was understandable, that maybe she needed extra encouragement or needed me to back off, and over the course of the month I tried both; I would have tried anything to return to the normalcy that defined our relationship.

The normalcy arrived in spurts, sometimes when we were just lounging around the living room, watching movies and shit, or when we were playing cards with Alice and Jasper. Fuck, I don't know, maybe I was overreacting, maybe I was the one with the problem because the normalcy was definitely there, natural and comfortable, the way things were supposed to be. And it was definitely there in the intimate aspects of our relationship - ever since the anger driven floor fuck, the connection between us was fucking electric. It was difficult now that Rose was living with Bella to try to find opportunities, but Bella was persistent by sneaking into the shower or waking me up in the middle of the night. At times like these it seemed everything was as it should be and I longed for the interactions, just happy that for a short moment in time everything was perfect and that for a while, Bella could forget about all the shit she was dealing with and just feel good.

I just wanted things to get back to normal. As soon as things got back to normal, Bella would be fine, right? Everything was going to be fine.

Right?

…

BPOV

I shifted in the uncomfortable orange plastic chair in the doctor's waiting room and pulled my legs up to tuck them underneath me, the rubber of my shoes squeaking against the glossed flat surface. I glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed, worry beginning to settle in the pit of my abdomen. We'd been here about forty-five minutes and Rosalie was still in the fucking doctor's office. Alice was shuffling her cards to my left, her hair almost a bob now with caramel highlights invading the darkness. She was wearing a pair of jeans, the bottoms tucked into her wet-weather boots, her small frame bundled and bound and wrapped in layer upon layer of cotton and wool, a heavy scarf around her neck and a white crocheted cap on top of her head. She looked like she'd been eaten by a Gap commercial, but I understood the layers and layers of fabric. It was fucking freezing outside today.

It was the beginning of February and Rosalie was just now having her first doctor's appointment. The hidden pregnancy had made it difficult for Rosalie to have a proper check-up but now that she was working at the call center, medical benefits allowed her to get prenatal care. I found it ironic that Rosalie had thought to wonder about the insurance statement but my mother had not. Renee was a good thirty years old when she had gotten that abortion. Don't you think at thirty you would know what the hell happens with the insurance documents? I had a theory that Renee had wanted Charlie to find out and that's why she had allowed the statement to be sent to him. It just seemed like something she would do, feel guilty about not telling him and then "accidentally" let him find out so she wouldn't have to man up and tell him. Then again, she could have just been desperate. Or stupid, she was pretty fucking stupid. Whatever, fuck it, I'd never know. I didn't have any plans for any mother daughter tea parties any time soon. I was so fucking done with her.

Alice was muttering something beside me, her face perplexed and intent as she flipped her cards, talking about pentacles and towers and shit, her musings bringing me back to reality. Ever since I'd found those letters I'd been trapped in my own head, reliving my parents' history over and over, theorizing, wondering, guessing. It was like I couldn't get enough. I kept thinking I could find something written between the lines, something that rationalized their behavior. I could see why they did the things they did, my mother and her selfish fleeing, my father and his self-loathing, but I just could not see why they couldn't have loved me enough to stop, to put aside their shit and realize they had a fucking kid watching them, learning from them.

Charlie had been on lots of drugs and medications: for his heart, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, anxiety. The little foiled packets of pills were now carefully concealed in my tote. I just needed to know that they were available, just in case it got too bad, just in case the suffocating panic began to well in a public place, like school or somewhere where I couldn't run and fold in on myself. I didn't know how to deal with this and the more I thought about it, the more I saw how every coping mechanism I had stemmed from my parents' inability to deal with shit.

And now I didn't know how to change it. I didn't know if I wanted to change it. Maybe this was just what I was, a fucked up piece of shit with nothing to offer but pain and rejection and selfishness.

The only disparity I had found with this theory was Edward. For some reason he loved me and continued to love me, even when I was mean and hateful, even when I was selfish and bitchy, even when I took advantage of his love for me and used it to make myself feel better, he never wavered.

It fucking killed me what I was doing to him by making him worry and forcing confrontations about my nutrition and then berating him for it. I hated myself on these days, consumed with my failure as a person, as a lover, and as a friend. I was fucking toxic, and here I was exposing myself to everyone, tainting everything good I had found in this world. I was going to ruin everything and I still couldn't bring myself to stop. "Do you see how you hurt me baby, so I hurt you too then we both get so blue."

"I think it's a boy," Alice mumbled beside me as she flipped another card, a large sun radiating over a small child and a white horse in a field of sunflowers. I tried to focus on something else: her cards, the magazine on the table beside me, the growling in the pit of my stomach. She dug into her bag and pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen to scribble her notes onto.

Alice was a little upset Rosalie hadn't confided in her about the pregnancy. Instead, she had found out like everyone else, with tears and blubbering apologies. Rosalie desperately tried to make amends to not only Alice but her brother as well. Alice had gotten over the slight easily, realizing that the shit Rosalie was dealing with was more pressing than her need to be informed. And she was excited too, the prospect of the new life causing her to dive into preparations. She had been constantly reading her cards and scribbling in her notebook, looking for clues or warnings or whatever she called them, her devotion to the craft more reverent than ever. Jasper had taken an entire week to come to terms with the concept, even threatening to kick Emmett's ass, but then realized there was no way he would ever survive the altercation and, with a little persuasion from Alice, he eventually stopped by the house to see if Rosalie needed anything, bringing over a tiny pair of beaded moccasins as a peace offering, finally accepting his role as Uncle.

Living with Rosalie had been interesting, to say the least. I was surprised by how well she had adapted to living on her own. She was diligent about keeping her room clean and she kept dishes out of the sink despite working full time and being six months pregnant. She fixed the leaky faucet in the bathroom and put up shelves in Charlie's old room, the room she would bring her baby home to. She had asked me if she could redecorate the space and I told her to go nuts. With the new soft jade wall color, her large king sized bed covered in pillows, and white washed furniture, the room hardly looked the same, and I welcomed the change. It was easier to be in this room when it wasn't reeking of Charlie, the fresh paint having rolled over his scent, and that made it easier to be in the house without Charlie. She was a considerate roommate and I didn't know if it was because she was just grateful or because she liked being on her own, but I was really glad I had asked her to live with me because, fuck, there were days her company was necessary.

Edward stayed over frequently, wrapping me in his comfort and allowing me to pull strength from his unrelenting support, his hands in my hair, his hips between my thighs, his skin flush with mine, it didn't matter how the comfort manifested itself, it was a reliable, gratifying distraction, but he couldn't always be with me. There were nights Edward spent at his own home, in his own bed, nights I would spend clutching my pillow, stifling my sobs, with visions of my father laid out on his bed and the way his skin had fallen around his bones, no longer supported by the tension of tissue, sickening images flooding through my brain as I longed for the silence of sleep. I would drown myself in Joni, the lyrics haunting as art became life, disturbingly accurate depictions of my emotions surrounded by an acoustic guitar and a low, soulful lament. "Sometimes voices in the night will call me back again, back along the pathway of a troubled mind…"

Eventually I would fall asleep from sheer exhaustion with the harmonies still ringing in my ears, and I'd wake up startled and unaware, not quite sure if Charlie was really gone or if it had all been some fuckery of my mind intent on torturing me. Reaching out for Edward and finding nothing, I would tiptoe to Charlie's room and peek inside to find Rosalie curled up on her large bed, her body encompassed in pillows. Defeated, I would venture downstairs to entwine myself in the old crocheted yarn and musty velvet smell of the couch. I could rarely go back to sleep after these incidents, the images too vivid to shake from my brain, and I would just lie there in the dark going over and over in my mind the letters Charlie had written me, the verbiage practically committed to memory at this point.

"Bella Swan?" The nurse behind the small window called my name and I looked at Alice, startled and confused. She just shrugged her shoulders, frantically gathering her cards and shoving them into her bag as she followed me and we both apprehensively approached the window.

"Yeah, I'm Bella," I mumbled to the woman in the window, her eyes glancing up at me over her dark rimmed glasses.

"Come on through, please," she said, motioning to the door. Alice opened the door and I walked through, a million scenarios running through my head as to why they would be leading me to a room. Was there a problem, something wrong with Rose, with the baby? The nurse knocked on the door and a familiar voice muffled a response before she opened the door and we walked into the small room. Rosalie was on the examination table, robed in hospital garb, her hands folded across her belly. She turned to look at us as we walked into the room, pure confusion in our features, I'm sure, but Rosalie just snorted, a loud burst of laughter filling the small space.

"Shit, Bella, you look like you're going to crap your pants," she chortled, and I sighed, irritated by my own stupidity. Of course everything was fine, why wouldn't it be? I rolled my eyes, mostly at myself, as Alice glided past me to stand by the edge of the table.

"What's the deal? I thought we weren't allowed in the room," Alice asked.

Rosalie shifted to sit up, pulling the blanket around her legs and letting her bare feet hang off the edge of the table. "She's going to do an ultrasound. We might get to find out what it is!" Excitement bubbled in her voice as she tucked the blanket around her. "She just went to get the machine thing."

"I'm calling it right now, it's a boy. I pulled the Sun earlier and that usually denotes a male," Alice claimed with assurance in her voice.

"Really? I kind of thought the presence of a penis usually denotes a male," I smirked.

"Fuck off, I'm right and you two are going to be eating shit when we see his little peepee on that screen," Alice remarked, and I couldn't help but laugh at her description.

"Both of you better stop talking about my possible son's dick. You're gonna jinx it or something," Rosalie said, smacking Alice on the arm.

"Jinx it? What, like it's going to change?" Alice laughed.

Rosalie nudged Alice with her foot which only made her laugh more. "Just shut the fuck up," Rosalie said.

The door opened and a large lumbering machine was wheeled in by the nurse, forging her way into the already crowded room. Once settled, she pulled Rosalie's robe away to expose her belly, leaving the blanket on her lap. To be honest, it shocked me to see her stomach like this, protruding and swollen, with faint silvery lines decorating the stretched skin. It seemed so intimate, like I was intruding on a very private moment, but Rosalie didn't seem to mind, her eyes set on the tiny black screen. I'd never been around a pregnant person and I'd never even seen a real pregnant stomach, the mound pulsing and changing with life behind the movement, a life fragile and weak and unable to survive without assistance yet already strong enough to persuade its mother to bend to its will.

"Just a little gel," the nurse murmured as she squirted the thick liquid onto Rosalie's abdomen and used this handle thing to smear the goop all over her belly. The nurse turned on the screen and loud static surrounded us, and as she glided the receiver over Rose's stomach, flashes of black and white and gray blurred across the screen.

Suddenly, we were engulfed in whirring and sloshing sounds as the technology swept across her belly. I watched the screen; I don't know what I was expecting, a fully formed kid in there waving at us or something, I don't know. This was completely foreign and strange to me and caused a disequilibrium that I found myself discontented with. I couldn't even put my finger on what was so bothersome about this. I mean, I hate hospitals because, well really, who doesn't? Any kind of medical procedure makes me squirm, and needles, fuck, I hate fucking needles. But that wasn't the issue I was having at this moment. How could Rosalie be so calm about this? Why wasn't she freaking out? She was growing another human being inside of her and in three months she was going to be its caregiver, the responsibility a life-long obligation. Life-long, forever, that child will be with her in some way for the rest of her life. That's a fucking long-ass commitment!

"There's the head and spine," the nurse said, pointing to the screen as she pressed the receiver to Rose's belly, the device sliding easily over her gelled skin. "And that's the torso and the arms, and there's the legs." I squinted at the odd gray splotch, but you could definitely distinguish the oblong shaped head and the small stack of bones that made up the spine. It moved and swiveled, the head bending forward in slow and then quick movements. Occasionally it would jerk or twist like some fucking shit right from the Sci-fi Channel. Alice gasped beside me while Rosalie watched in wonder, her lips parted as she quickly blinked and studied the image, securing it to memory.

"You see that part right there, that fluttering? That's the heart," the nurse said, moving the receiver to the other side of Rosalie's stomach, the rhythmic pulse growing louder as the nurse clicked some keys on the machine. "And that whirring sound, that's your baby's heartbeat." Rosalie grinned, eager to hear the first sounds her baby will ever make, the communication concrete proof of the impending life dwelling within her. The sound was fast and swishing with static and I found the repetitive drone soothing and peaceful, a sweet relief in the constancy.

"Can you tell if it's a girl or a boy yet?" Alice asked the nurse who was now placing the receiver in a different spot, pushing and distorting Rosalie's belly, the flesh stretching and sticking out in odd places and forming strange shapes. It was kind of freaking me out, the way her stomach would mold and shift, and I found myself formulating all types of questions about this. Where do the other organs go? What happens if you don't have the space for a baby, do your bones move and shift? How do the organs fall back into place once the baby is gone? Hundreds of stupid-ass questions began floating through my head, and I wanted to know the answers to all of them. Like, I really wanted to know. I stopped myself from asking, though, not wanting to sound like a fucking fifth grader learning about the wonders of reproduction for the first time, and resolved myself to looking that shit up on the internet when I got home.

"We could definitely tell the sex at this stage, if the baby cooperates of course," the nurse replied pleasantly. She clicked a couple of more keys on the machine and pushed against Rosalie's stomach in a different spot again, and the image on the screen changed and moved. "But it looks like this little one isn't going to cooperate. It's sitting cross-legged and I can't get a good look."

"Aw, it's shy Rose," Alice giggled, but Rosalie frowned at the information.

"Shy my ass, this is Emmett's child we're talking about. There's no way it's shy. It's doing this shit on purpose to torment me," Rosalie said smiling, and I laughed out loud at the thought of the mastermind fetus remaining ambiguous just to piss off Rosalie. If that were the case then I loved this kid already.

Rosalie drove the three of us home, a printed copy of the ultrasound pictures in Alice's fingers. "Esme's going to cry when she sees these," Alice commented, Rosalie watching her from the rearview mirror. Esme had quickly gotten over her disappointment and had chosen to focus on the positives of this situation; she was going to be a grandmother. Oh, she whined about how this made her feel old, but I could see a glimmer of excitement in her warm eyes. Esme lived with a light about her, forging through the darkness and emitting her soft glow to aid everyone she contacted. She now illuminated a path for Rose, offering her what her own pitiful useless excuse of a mother couldn't: guidance. Esme was the only person any of us had known that had been around babies, who knew anything about pregnancy at all, and she was who Rosalie had turned to when she had questions in the middle of the night, questions that the internet couldn't answer, questions that required a more intimate and emotionally loaded response.

It was Friday and Alice had planned on staying over. Her birthday was on Sunday and she wanted to celebrate with a good old fashioned sleepover. Esme was having dinner and cake for her on Sunday and Emmett was driving down in the morning to spend the weekend in Forks. We were pretty sure he'd be consuming Rosalie's time on Saturday, so we had decided to have a slumber party tonight. Edward hadn't been home in a while and took the opportunity to spend some time with his aunt and uncle. He said he was going to hang out with Jasper to play video games and watch Band of Brothers for the umpteenth time, or something, and I was really glad he wasn't taking this as a rejection. Ever since my dad's funeral, Edward had been exceptionally observant, watching me like a hawk, fucking distraught helplessness glowering at me from his lovely accepting green eyes every time I skipped lunch at school or when he woke up alone to find me engulfed in smoke on the front porch. He knew what I was doing, he knew it all, and yet constant he remained. "He saw how I worried sometimes, it seemed like he read my mind…"

We spent the evening lounging in the living room while the girls snacked on various leftovers from meals Edward had prepared. We watched movies and gave each other pedicures and discussed asinine shit like whether celebrities were really dating; laughed at stupid people on American's Funniest Home Videos and then discussed the fact that people falling off things or getting hit in the balls was always funny. Never once did they mention my diet, or lack thereof, and eventually we felt tired enough to warrant sleep.

We crawled into Rose's bed, it being the largest and most comfortable space for sleepovers, and even though Charlie's room still sent a twinge to my tummy, the room smelled of Rosalie now, fresh floral perfumes and fruity body sprays clinging to the sheets and curtains.

Alice and Rosalie were talking about baby names and laughing at the crazy things people were calling their kids nowadays, and I was just beginning to fumble into incoherency when Rosalie shifted in her spot. I swear, she needed like eight pillows to sleep: one to clutch in her arms, one between her knees, one under her belly, one to support her back, one to support the one supporting her back. I was surprised she hadn't suffocated in her fortress of fluff.

"Um, so I just wanted to say thank you for going with me to the appointment," Rosalie muttered into the dark room. "It's really hard to deal with this without Emmett. I was hoping he'd be able to drive down early to go with me, but he couldn't miss any more classes. Anyway, it's kind of scary, all this pregnancy shit, and you guys have really helped me to not lose my mind. I mean, if I had to do this completely alone, I don't think I would be able to. So, thanks."

"Oh shit, are we having the I love you guys talk? Dude! We're not even drunk or stoned or anything. You expect me to do this completely sober?" Alice complained beside me.

Rosalie sat up and reached across me to lovingly shove Alice's shoulder. "Don't make this harder on me than it already is. You know how I hate this kind of shit." Rosalie had been doing this all month, accidentally letting her cool demeanor melt away in spouts of emotional spontaneous combustion. She was constantly blaming it on her hormones but I definitely think her freedom from the judging eyes of her asshole parents had something to do with her emotional release.

"Rose, you know I love you. You're practically my sister. When I first moved here you were my first friend, my only friend, and I don't know what I would have done without you. I'll never forget that time you bitch-slapped Lauren when we were walking home from school after she put gum in my hair. Holy shit! That was the first time I had felt good since my parents died, it was the first time I didn't want to just crawl up in a fucking hole and suffocate in my own sadness. That was a great day," Alice yawned as she reminisced.

"You made me bleach your hair that day," Rosalie said quietly.

"I know. I just wanted to be something different, you know, leave that life behind. I figured it was the only thing I could control," Alice responded, propping herself up onto her elbow.

"It's fucking brutal being the new kid. It's like people get off on seeing what they can get away with, you know? How far can we push this girl until she breaks, kind of thing," I said, my mind drifting back to that first time I had eaten lunch with the Cullens. Rosalie had grilled my shit, question after question meant to expose me for the fraud that I was, and now here she was, pouring her heart out, living in Charlie's old room, three months from delivering a baby. It was astonishing to me the difference a year makes.

"Sometimes it's just out of fear, you know? I was a total bitch to you, Bella, because I was kind of weirded out by how close you and Alice became, and it all happened so quickly," Rosalie mumbled, her voice sticky with apprehension. "I mean, fuck, Alice, just the week before I was the one braiding your hair for you and then you hacked it all off without even telling me and I know it's stupid but I just kind of felt like you didn't need me anymore. I've never been needed, you know? Growing up in my house, we were just nuisances that had to be dealt with. God forbid they ever took the time to make us feel needed, because that's a sign of weakness. To need something, to depend on someone else makes you weak." We were silent while she spoke, allowing her the peace to disclose as she felt necessary. Rosalie needed this, we all did, but I don't think she ever dealt with her emotions, just used something else to cover them up whether it was diving into her school work or perfecting her appearance

I could see now why she attached herself to a particularly strong family unit like the Cullens'. She needed them. She needed their guidance, their acceptance, their love. They were her surrogate family, and I had come along and completely thrown off the dynamic, challenged the comfort she had grown so accustomed to depending on. It was so obvious now; she had accepted Alice as her sister, had furrowed under Esme's wing, and her devotion to Emmett for providing all this for her, for giving her a family, for giving her love and care when no one else had.

"It wasn't that I didn't need you anymore, Rose," Alice explained. "I just needed to find out who I was, what I wanted, you know, do things on my own."

"Do things on your own? Did that have to include my brother?" Rosalie snorted. I couldn't tell if she was teasing or if she was truly upset about Alice finding herself in Jasper.

"That was part of it, yeah," Alice said indignantly. "Everyone's always trying to protect me - you, Edward, my aunt and uncle. I just wanted to experience life, you know, see it, feel it, taste it, really live because I know what happens when you don't. My mom never lived. She was a prisoner to my father, shackled to his episodes, his guilt, and his disease. Everyday I could see she had resigned herself to the life she had chosen and never once did it occur to her to leave. Every time he destroyed the walls, every time she locked us in our rooms, every time I curled up in that bathtub I prayed for her to take us and leave. God, I fucking prayed for her to get the balls to save us, to save herself, but she never did." Alice's voice cracked as she forced the words, her confessions sent out into the darkness of the room. Slow, quiet tears slipped from my own lids as I thought of myself and Edward, the parallels disturbingly similar as I fit the lock on Edward's shackles, chaining him to my disease and not having the balls to save myself.

"And then I met Bella and she needed me. I realized I could be like you, Rose. I could show Bella what you showed me, that you don't have to be exceptional to be loved, you have to be exceptional to love others." These words hung in the air, the truth like honey oozing with sickening sweetness. Sickening, because I wasn't exceptional in any way, and these people loved me, Edward, Alice, and now even Rose. How could I love them back? How could I be a proper friend, daughter, partner if I couldn't step outside of myself to love them back properly? Was it fair to just take it, accept their love and offer nothing in return? Not one of these people deserved that from anyone, least of all from me.

"I hated that you cut your hair. That was like our thing, you know, and when you hacked it off it was like you were cutting that bond, severing the relationship that I had found myself depending on, and then I found out you were fucking my brother and I wanted to scream at you because I knew he was trouble and I knew you wouldn't listen. Then Bella came along and I kind of freaked out. I tried to control the situation, tried to force things back to normal. It took a little plus sign on a pregnancy test for me to realize that I never really had control of anything. Things were never normal, I was never normal. I spent my young life trying to be what they wanted, trying to be perfect, overcompensating for a fucked up childhood. I don't want to do that to my kid. I don't want to be the cold, neglectful bitch that my mother was. I realized that the only thing I can control is my own actions, my decisions, my perceptions. And it was all clear, you know, what I wanted, who I wanted to be. It just all made sense."

"You're going to be a really good mom, Rose," Alice whispered. "And I'm sorry you felt so bad. If I would have known, I…"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, Alice. I had to sort this shit out on my own, you know. And I'm really happy living here, Bella. I'm happy washing dishes and working and paying for my own shit, tasting life, as you put it, Alice. It's hard, you know, without that sense of security my old life provided, without the comforts of approval. You know these women, they come into the hospital and see me sitting there, barely nineteen and as big as a fucking house pregnant and I see shame and pity and disgust in their faces. I know what they're thinking, that I'm just some stupid slutty girl that got knocked up, and it's so fucking hard not to smack the shit out of their judgmental faces. They don't know me, they don't know anything about my situation. They don't know that I'm the happiest I've ever been and that this baby has made all the difference." Rosalie's thoughts flooded from her lips, the darkness providing a blanket of safety and making it easier to remove the emotional shield she used to guard herself from others. I quietly listened, envious of her happiness, wishing I could make the choice to love the things around me instead of longing for answers I could never have.

"I'm sorry, Bella, sorry I judged you. I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable and I'm very thankful that you were able to accept me, even when I couldn't return the favor. I was just scared of being replaced. They all love you, you know. We…we all love you, and just so you know, you're not alone either." She reached over to me in the darkness, looking for a connection, and clutched my arm, her slender fingers warm on my skin. I rested my hand on hers, acknowledging her apology but unable to verbally respond, afraid of the blubbering mess I would become if I tried to speak.

"Jesus Rose, is this what happens when you get pregnant? You turn into a Meg Ryan movie?" Alice whispered, causing the three of us to burst into laughter, the heavy emotional tone lightened as we rolled on the bed, our tears turning to laughter and then turning to tears again as we considered how accurate her statement was. Eventually our hilarity quieted and the laughter was replaced with the sound of soft snores as my friends drifted off to sleep and, like always, I lay there, awake, the pounding in my brain creeping through my body, so many emotions festering in my mind and preventing the calmness of slumber. I envied my friends beside me, their ability to freely embrace sleep, set aside their worry and just rest.

Why couldn't I fucking do that? Why couldn't I just get over this shit and just fucking rest? Alice could do it, she had found her mother stabbed to death and she could do it. Rosalie could do it, she was bringing a child into the world in three months and here she was, snoring away next to me. I couldn't fucking lay there anymore, the desire to squirm unbearable, my skin starting to scream and my chest tightening as my legs twitched, aching to move me from my confined position between my two peacefully sleeping friends. I could hear my heart pounding, anxiety asphyxiating in my chest, and I couldn't take it any longer. I inched myself from beneath the fluffy down comforter and slid to the end of the bed to creep silently out of the room.

I just needed to silence the pounding, just for a fucking second, so I could breathe, so I could finally rest. I swiftly ran down the steps, the wooden floor cold on my bare feet. My tote was on the kitchen table and I quickly dug through the gum wrappers and receipts, sorting through the random shit littering the bottom of the bag before my fingers grazed across the sharp edged packet of pills, Charlie's pills. I popped two from the foil and swallowed them quickly and then gulped down a large glass of water, waiting for the chemicals to invade my brain.

I sank into the couch and wrapped the tattered afghan around me as my heart rate slowed, my mind numbing over as I drifted into fuzzy complacency, my limbs tranquil and relaxed. I told myself I would only take them in cases of emergencies, just for a while, until I could deal with this shit on my own and then, I would toss them, flush them down the toilet. I promised myself it wouldn't be like last time, that I would find the strength to be exceptional and worthy of love, and that this was just a crutch until I was healed, until I got over Charlie's death, until things were back to normal.

And the entire time I was making these promises to myself, I knew I was completely full of shit.

…

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Joni Songs Referenced

All I Want

I Think I Understand

Court and Spark

Roses Blue

Thank you for reading, my sweets.