A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Twenty-Six - I am as Constant as the Northern Star

Darlings,

It's so interesting to see the varying viewpoints for this very complex situation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate all of them! I've been asked a few times so I just thought I'd let you all know that there are currently 33 chapters outlined for this story…so the end is approaching. This is, of course, based on the assumption that I can control that wicked wordiness that takes over my fingers.

The lovely Mina Cullen verified medical jargon. Thank you so much sweets, I know how busy you are and I'm so grateful for your help, my love.

n7of9 is beta. She's a genius. (I know I've said it before, but I have a whole new appreciation for what she does because I got the chance to play beta for the darling britpacksuccubus.) Three hundred and fifty-something days, bb. I'm getting your suite ready.

Disclaimers make everything all better. It's not mine.

...

BPOV

"Bella," a muffled voice, hollow and vacant called to me, while I saw white flashes before my eyes as I struggled to control my lids. Was I blinking? I thought I was blinking but I couldn't really see anything. Cool fingers caressed my face, the gentle touches familiar as I struggled to hang on to the incoherency of dreamless sleep. I could hear someone in the kitchen and the faint smell of toasted bread wafted through the air. I groaned and rolled over as the crocheted afghan tightened around me, my head pounding as I finally opened my eyes, flashes of copper and green filling the space.

"Edward?" I croaked, my throat dry from a night of uninterrupted, drug-induced, euphoric sleep. Shit, what time was it? The last thing I remembered was the foiled packet of pills in my fingers, and then curling up on the couch and passing out. Edward's fingers brushed through my hair, the tingling on my scalp abnormally vivid and sharp, his delicate lips adorning my forehead and cheeks.

"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty," Emmett called from the doorway of the kitchen, a bagel in his hand and a smear of cream cheese in the corner of his mouth. I rubbed at my eyes, groggily blinking as I pushed myself up to a sitting position, a wave of vertigo causing my head to spin. My head pounded, the pressure throbbing against my eyes and ears. Even my fucking teeth hurt, the dreamless sleep thick and completely consuming. I groaned at the rush of blood invading my brain, the fissures of light clouding my vision. I felt like I had been run over by a fucking truck and then just left to wither on the side of the road in an incapacitated state.

"Fuck, my head is pounding," I mumbled as Edward massaged the muscles in my neck. Note to self: two pills is too fucking much.

"Shit, how much did you drink?" Edward asked, a slight smirk upon his lips and I shook my head, the movement causing my brain to bounce around my skull. Well, that's what it felt like anyway.

"We didn't. I couldn't sleep so I came down here. I must have slept weird or something," I muttered. Yeah, I lied. I fucking lied, but I didn't want to discuss the pills with Emmett standing right there and Edward hovering over me like a mother hen. It didn't really matter anyway, I had learned my lesson. That was a large dosage meant for a large man and it had totally kicked my ass. I could easily cut the dosage in half and still get the desired effect. Fuck, I wish I would have thought of that last night.

"How you doing Bella?" Emmett asked as he sat on the couch next to me, the springs groaning under his large mass. He stretched his arm around my shoulder and hugged me to his side, and I winced at the searing pain slicing through my head as he clutched my shoulder.

"I'm doing. How was your drive?" I blinked, trying to force away the white flashes and grasping the couch to steady myself as Edward left my side, returning with some Advil and a glass of water. I quickly swallowed down the pills and Edward's lips grazed my cheek as his body settled beside mine.

"Sucked. You know, same old shit. I guess it's not really that bad. I could probably make the drive in my sleep. Actually, I think I have made the drive in my sleep, or parts of it anyway," Emmett chuckled.

Rosalie trudged down the stairs, her bare feet hidden by the hem of her stretchy yoga pants and Emmett's extra large t-shirt pulled over her belly, and Emmett immediately got up to greet her. He pulled Rosalie into his arms, a careful hug as he pressed his lips to hers, his hands moving up to cradle her face. His massive hands were gentle and exceptionally cautious, delicate in every embrace and caress as she pressed her face into his chest and allowed him to encompass her. It was so very intimate, his nurturing care for her and the way she let him dote on her, a side of the two of them that we hadn't seen in the past but were frequently an audience to now.

Emmett muttered something into Rosalie's ear before moving his hands to rest on her belly, his head bending to kiss the top of her tummy as he spoke. "Hi baby, I'm home, I missed you," he said, his voice soft and loving.

Rosalie smiled down at Emmett adoring her belly and I instantly felt that unease again, like an intruder, the answer to a what's wrong with this picture puzzle. I looked over at Edward, who was watching them as well, but he didn't seem uncomfortable or freaked out by the public display of fetal affection. Why was this bothering me so much?

Alice bound down the stairs behind Rose, a strip of paper in her fingers, dressed and abnormally buoyant for…whatever time it was. "What's up, nerds?"

"Alice, I heard there is documentation of my prodigy. I would like to bask in its gloriousness now, if you don't mind," Emmett hugged his cousin and Alice handed over the ultrasound pictures, Edward leaving my side to go look at them as well.

"Yep, that's Emmett's big head," Edward commented.

"Poor kid," Alice laughed.

"Poor kid? Poor Rose! Seriously, why is its head so big?" Edward turned the photo upside down, examining it from all angles.

Rosalie snatched the picture from Edward's fingers with pure disgust on her face. "Bite me, asshole. My baby's head is just fine, the doctor said so." She looked appraisingly at the photo, squinting her eyes and pursing her lips as she tilted her head to the side. "Emmett, is our baby's head too big?"

"Of course not, it's perfect," Emmett said as he kissed her cheek.

"He's perfect," Alice chimed in. "I think it's a boy."

"Is this for real or is this one of your card thingies?" Emmett asked her as Rosalie moved to rest in the chair next to me.

"My card thingies are real," Alice protested. "They practically predicted Edward would get into culinary school and that came true." Edward looked up at me quickly, his eyes electric as he gauged my response.

"What?" I asked, shocked as all hell Edward hadn't disclosed this information to me himself. "You got accepted? When? What did they say? Why didn't you tell me?" The questions rambled from my lips, confusion festering on my features as I waited impatiently for his response.

"Um, I just kind of forgot, I guess," he mumbled, shrugging his shoulders as he moved to sit beside me. He forgot? Are you fucking kidding me? How could he forget something like that?

"You forgot?" I laughed, my irritation manifesting itself in an incredulous fit of amusement. No, I was beyond irritated, I was downright hurt, and the only thing I could think of to do was laugh. "Does everyone know?" I looked around, Emmett and Rosalie suddenly intent on their own hands and fingernails. Alice just stared at me apologetically and I knew she felt bad for spilling but it wasn't her that I was upset with.

"I…I don't know. Esme was putting away some of my laundry and she found the letter in my drawer. She asked me about it and then told Carlisle but I didn't think they had told anyone else, besides Alice," Edward said, his hand squeezing my leg. I looked at Alice now, her familiar green eyes cast downward as they met mine, and I knew.

"I'm the only one who didn't know, aren't I?" I asked them, looking from one set of hidden eyes to the next, Edward's the only pair to focus on mine. Motherfuckers! I can't believe none of them mentioned it to me or even asked me about it, like they were keeping it from me on purpose. This is what pissed me off, the negative connotation their secretiveness held.

"Unbelievable," I muttered under my breath as I stormed upstairs to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me and turning the lock with a triumphant click. How could he forget to tell me something like that, something our entire future was hinging on, and he just fucking forgot to tell me? I surmised this was bullshit, the whole forgetting thing. This wasn't something you just forgot. We'd been waiting to get this letter for fucking months.

I turned on the tap, letting the cold water run over my fingers until they were numb. I wasn't being irrational, was I? I took some deep breaths and looked at myself in the mirror, at my hair as it lay limp around my face, the dark circles surrounding my eyes, my skin stretched tight over protruding cheek bones. I sighed and looked away, unable to face the person in the mirror. Fuck, I looked pathetic! Used up and tossed aside! I frantically splashed icy water on my face, the cold feeling like pin pricks against my skin and causing me to gasp. I ran my fingers through my hair and discarded the stray strands caught between them, still trying to collect my thoughts when I heard a soft rap on the door.

"Bella?" Edward's muffled voice called to me from the other side of the door. "Bella, open the door please."

I sighed and turned off the water. I hated this feeling, like a fucking child kept out of the conversation on purpose. Did he think I couldn't handle this, that I couldn't handle New York? Maybe he didn't want me to go with him anymore. Maybe he had realized that I wasn't worth all of this shit he had to put up with, that I was just fucked-up Bella and he could be so much more without me. Not one of these hypothetical worst-case scenarios I came up with could I see myself living through.

"Bella, please," Edward pleaded again. I could hear his fingernail scratching at the paint on the other side and I pictured his beautiful face riddled with rejection. It literally made me ache to think that I put that rejection there, even if it was well deserved.

I unlocked the door, the click like a sigh of relief as Edward turned the knob.

"Can I come in?" he asked, and I mumbled a yes, moving to sit on the edge of the bathtub as he walked into the small room. He stood in front of the door for a fully silent and awkward as fuck minute before moving to sit beside me, pulling the door closed behind him.

"I'm sorry Bella. I should have told you as soon as I got the letter. You've had a lot to deal with and I didn't want to make any of this about me. I was going to tell you as soon as I had a chance. But then you found your mom's letters and Rose moved in and I don't know, my news didn't seem that important," he said quickly, his hands folded as his elbows rested on his knees.

"Not that important? Edward! It's like the most important thing out there right now," I responded, my voice exasperated beyond belief. How could he think the key to our entire future was unimportant?

"No, it's not," he said quietly. I knew he was talking about my lack of diet but I ignored it, not willing to rehash the argument in this particular moment. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths as I tried to find the words to adequately express the hurt and panic I was feeling.

"I just don't understand why you didn't tell me right away. And then you didn't tell me when everyone else had found out. Shit! I feel like a fucking idiot. They couldn't even look at me down there. And you just spout out some lame excuse, I forgot. I forgot? Are you fucking kidding me? You couldn't think of anything better to say?" I argued, trying to keep my voice as hushed as possible. I didn't want the whole fucking house to know I was upset, but the emotion was overwhelming my sense of volume control.

"Bella, what did you want me to say? I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd care? You could have asked me about it. I mean, fuck, you haven't mentioned New York since your mom was here. Should I have told you that I think the only letters that are important to you, you have committed to memory? That I didn't tell you because you seem perfectly comfortable dwelling on the past instead of looking to the future? Because you're killing yourself and you don't even give a fuck? You're just like your father, Bella." I startled at his words, the implication in his voice knocking the wind out of me and, for a moment, I literally couldn't breathe.

I stood there, my chest heaving as tears burned in my eyes, one hand on my hip and the other pulling at my hair, and I couldn't even look into his eyes, fearing what I would find there; malice, disappointment, rejection, I didn't know if I could handle that shit right now. Because he was right, about all of it, he was completely correct.

Suddenly he pulled me to him, begging me, his hands clutching the large shirt I was wearing, his head bending to mine, forcing me into the green haze his eyes had become. His voice was whispered and frantic, hysteria invading every syllable. "Please, Bella. Please, you have to stop this. You have to. If something were to happen to you…I…I wouldn't be able to live with myself, knowing it could have been prevented, that I could have done something. Please, please, I'm begging you. I'm fucking begging you." His wet cheeks pressed against mine, his breath hot on my ear and neck as he burrowed himself into the curve of my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him, feeling the muscles of his back constrict with each heaving sob.

I gasped, the wail bursting from my chest, his pleas burning right through me, twisting my stomach and pulsing in my head. He doesn't deserve this, to see me like this, to feel like this, nobody did. And here I was, turning a knife into his already perforated heart. I am just like him, just like her, the most despicable parts of both of my cowardly parents. The worst part was that I knew this, I fucking knew it. I had known it all along, since the day my mother chose to strip Charlie of everything. I knew I was complete shit but it wasn't until now that I realized just how horrifically selfish I am capable of being. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

"I'm so sorry, Edward, so, so sorry," I whispered as I clutched him to me, unable to let him go. But I should. I should let him go, I should let him leave me, let him find someone who would bring him peace and could offer him care, someone who wasn't so damn needy and pathetic. He deserved to be with someone who could equal his devotion, someone who was exceptional. If I had any balls at all, I would let him go.

But I don't. I'm weak and selfish and cruel, and so I continue to pull him to me, binding him to me, the thought of any of this without him nauseating. Bile rose in my throat as I envisioned some other girl wrapped around his waist or pressed against his hips. I tightened my hold, relishing in the comfort of the physical connection, my match, excelling when I failed, providing when I could only take.

"You have nothing to apologize for. We should be happy, right? Celebrating and shit. We're going to New York, Bella." Edward kissed my cheek and then my eyelid and my forehead, his lips peppering every inch of my skin. "And we love each other. That alone is worth celebrating, right?"

"But I don't understand why. Why do you even bother with me, I'm so much fucking work. One of these days you're going to get sick of it." Edward rolled his eyes, the exact response I was expecting, but I found his disinterest with this concern infuriating nonetheless.

"Stop looking at me like that, will you? You just …you deserve so much better," I said, letting the words fall from my mouth, tears streaming down my cheeks as I offered him the chance. "If you want to go to New York alone, I would completely understand. I would be okay here, you wouldn't have to worry about me."

"What…what are you talking about?" Edward pulled back to look at my face and I met his eyes, trying to tell him to go, to leave and not look back, to realize what I was, what destruction I could cause, just like them, just like my parents.

"Bella, I'm not going anywhere without you. You're stuck with me, and you'd better just get used to the idea. I am a constant Bella, like the Northern Star."

"Constantly in the darkness," I mumbled, the chiming soprano voice set aside a soft melodic guitar strumming through my brain. "That's from a Joni Mitchell song."

"I know," Edward grinned at me, sheepishly proud he had extracted the lyric from his memory. "It's actually pretty arrogant of me to say, I mean, it's the brightest star in the sky, it's pretty much fixed, and from our perspective the whole sky revolves around it. It's been there for centuries, it's even mentioned in the bible. And it will never fail, it will always be there. Unless there's a polar shift or something, which technically is plausible. You know…"

"Edward," I said, interrupting his astronomy lesson. I knew he was just trying to lighten the situation, but his words rang clear in my head. "You're right. You are a constant," I said nodding my head in agreement.

And I was the darkness.

Edward was brilliant, a star of luminous beauty constant in his position, constant in his love and devotion, a constant in the darkness that I called my existence, and I was consuming him, using him up, and for what? So I could feel love, so I could be comforted, so I could share his family? It was all for me, all about me and what I needed. I knew that Edward enjoyed my company and that he loved me, but I truly didn't know how much of our relationship was fueled by fear. Edward had said himself that he was afraid and worried about my health and that he would never leave me. But how much of this was because he felt obligated to protect me or to save me from myself? And what if he couldn't? What if despite all his efforts, despite all his fretting over my nutrition and health, I couldn't find it within myself to be enough for him?

I just didn't know what this love was going to cost him. I looked at his splendid face, a tiny scar under his eye where his stitches had been so long ago, a split in the skin that I had caused, and I wondered what other scarring I would be responsible for. As we grew older, would he grow bitter and indifferent? Would the perpetual worry wear a hole in his heart? Would he eventually resent me for the years he could have spent as a carefree young adult, years that he is forsaking to take care of me and my issues? At some point, will he, like Renee, decide that it was his turn? We will change and grow and who's to say that it will always be for the better? I wanted so much for him to be content and at ease and happy, but I couldn't help but feel that the poison of regret now invading my soul would spill and contaminate those around me.

Running my finger over the mark, I pressed my lips to his, desperate and wishing there was some way to make all of this easier for him. I could feel the urgency in his lips as they crumbled against mine, accepting me in as my tongue slid across his lips, and I knew he was probably thinking the same thing, how he could make this easier. His mind was always sorting out situations, trying to find the path of least resistance. That's what our love was, the path of least resistance. It was the easiest thing for me to do, to love Edward, to let him love me. It was just a natural inclination and to deny him was just perverse, an abomination to my very soul.

Edward's hands roamed and grazed and pulled at my cumbersome clothing, and I pulled my shirt over my head, the cold biting at my naked skin. Edward slid his hands across my back, his fingers tracing the lines of my spine before grasping at the nape of my neck, his lips dancing across my skin with quick, furious kisses along my neck and shoulders and breasts. My pulse quickened at the feel of his warm face on my skin, the slight scratch of his stubbly chin causing goosebumps to spread across my back and down my arms.

I gasped when his mouth moved to kiss my stomach, the skin prickling where his lips had been, and then again as he licked at my belly button, his hands quickly removing any clothing in his way. I moaned softly when his mouth moved between my thighs, his tongue lightly licking the pulsing flesh as my hands pulled at his hair, my legs no longer useful as he pushed me against the counter, lifting me to balance on the edge of the cold tile, his hands pressing my legs apart, his mouth flush and hot and enticing the sensitive skin. I cursed under my breath as I came, my body rippling and stuttering and resonating as the tingling wave of euphoria washed over me. He pulled my hips into his face and my back arched against the icy glass of the mirror as I stifled the moans bubbling in my chest, the pleasure overwhelming my previous ponderings.

Edward slowly pulled away, his lips kissing the inside of my legs and the pointy bone of my hip. His hands eased into gentle caresses over my thighs, calming strokes as he stood up and kissed my knobby shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his face pressed into my chest as I rested my chin in the tangled array of reds and browns on top on his head.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Edward murmured against my skin.

"I'm sorry I hurt you too," I responded, breathing the words into his hair as I inhaled his warm honey scent, my exposed body shivering as I squirmed to get closer to his warmth.

"Why don't you get showered and then we'll all go out and get some dinner to celebrate?" Edward suggested.

"Dinner? What time is it?" I asked him as I slid down off the counter to turn on the shower, the water freezing as it splattered against the shower curtain.

"It was only like two when we got here, but we could make it an early dinner, maybe go bowling or catch a movie or something after," Edward said, leaning against the counter and picking up one of Rosalie's brushes and tossing it in the air. I watched it spin before realizing that he'd just said it was two o'clock. In the afternoon.

"Shit! I slept all day? Why didn't you wake me up?" I checked the temperature of the water, anxious to step into the warmth. I couldn't believe I had wasted an entire day sleeping.

"I did wake you up," Edward responded as I stepped into the hot spray, letting the scalding water burn my skin. The sharp contrast of temperatures was almost unbearable but I forced myself to stay under the stream.

"Well, why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I peeked from behind the shower curtain to see him seated on the counter now, turning the brush in his hands.

"I woke you up as soon as I got here. And it's okay to sleep in once in a while. Your body is just trying to catch up for all the late nights, you know, all that rigorous activity," he winked at me and I had to roll my eyes, trying to stifle a schoolgirl giggle because, yeah, he was partially responsible for all the rigorous activity and some of the late nights.

"I know but, shit, all fucking day? I can't believe Rosalie or Alice didn't wake up my lazy ass," I quickly washed, the soap suds running down my backside and swirling around my feet.

"They wanted to let you sleep. Why are you so freaked out about this?" Edward asked loudly, trying to be heard over the shower.

"I'm not freaked out. I'm just pissed I slept an entire day away." I turned off the shower, Edward handing me a towel from the other side of the curtain, his green eyes roaming my body as his devious lips curled into a smirk that I couldn't help but return.

"That just means you'll have lots of time tonight to do stuff," Edward said softly as I quickly dried off, wrapping the towel tight around my body.

"Whatever will I do? Maybe we could play cards or something," I said innocently as Edward pushed my wet hair away from my face, his fingers lightly lingering on my neck and shoulders.

"Strip poker?" he suggested, his eyebrows arched in anticipation.

"That's the only poker I'm good at," I said as I brushed past him to open the door, moving quickly to my room, anxious to get dressed. "I've got a mean poker face."

"Oh, I'm well acquainted with your poker face," Edward snorted. It felt so good, this light conversation, flirty and easy, "Street light on a rooftop memory…"

God, I missed this. I missed him. I missed the ease of being with him when I wasn't so busy being me. Shit, even in my head that didn't make sense, but I didn't care. This just felt good, better. Better than I had felt in a long time.

We all met Jasper for dinner at some burger joint in town and then the six of us went to the drive-in for a comedy double feature, freezing our asses off in the back of my truck until it started to rain. We watched some slapstick shit that caused me to laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. We celebrated Edward's acceptance letter and talked about our plans to move to New York. Operation Culinary Academy, as Edward liked to call it, was in full swing but I couldn't help but feel a little sad about the family we would be leaving behind. In September, Rose will have a four-month old baby and Emmett will have to go back to school. She will truly be on her own then and even though she'd have the Cullens nearby, I felt guilty about leaving her. Jasper would be leaving for Seattle and Alice planned to move in with him in January. She would be starting her senior year of high school and she had enough credits to procure an early graduation, but still, she would have to attend at least one semester. I wondered what school would be like for her. She didn't really have any friends outside of her family, and I don't know, I just worried about her.

And I would miss them. This was the first time in my life that I had been around a family like this, the first time that I had friends that knew me, that worried about me, and even though we'd only be gone a short while, I wasn't looking forward to the separation. I would miss Rose's morning routine of listening to nineties grunge music while getting ready for work, and Emmett's dirty jokes when he came home on the weekends. I would miss Jasper's conspiracy theories and the way he'd get everyone all fired up with discussion. And I would especially miss my talks with Alice. She was someone I could trust, not only to empathize or relate, but to tell me when I was being a complete idiot. They truly were my family now. "You sing for your friends and your family…"

…

Fuck. You have got to be kidding me. I was sitting on the toilet in fucking Target, staring at my underwear and the streak of blood staining the inside of my adorable new pink polka dot undies. Shit! My body is completely inept.

This was how it had been for the last…shit, I don't even know, since this summer, I guess, a spotting every couple of months, just enough to ruin a pair of underwear but not enough for me to really give a shit. I'd feel crampy, but then again my stomach was always upset, a side effect from the purging, normal digestion now my nemesis. In the beginning I tried to keep track of it but it was so irregular and disheartening that I eventually just gave it up. I'd get tired and achy but then again, I was always tired, sleep hadn't exactly been a comfort to me since Charlie had died, and I was weak, my muscles aching if I ever had to actually use them.

I pulled a panty liner from my bag, my past experiences teaching me to be prepared at least, and affixed it into place, murmuring curses as I thought of my ruined undies. I pulled myself together, washing my hands and rushing from the restroom to find Alice and Rosalie. They had to be halfway through the stupid baby registry by now.

Rosalie was having a baby shower next month and she had decided to register for gifts. Truthfully, Rose didn't even want a baby shower, claiming she didn't really have any friends or family that would come, but she had became close with a couple of ladies who worked with her at the call center and a bunch of Esme's friends were already planning on bringing over gifts, so Alice took it upon herself to organize a party. She had centered the shower around Van Gogh's painting, Starry Night, the expressionistic swirls perfect for the already cosmically critiqued babe. Alice had looked up much of the astrological information and had performed spread after spread looking for any enlightening clues.

Baby Cullen remained elusive despite the efforts of three ultrasound technicians. Every time Rose went to the hospital the baby was in an awkward position, making it impossible to determine if Alice had been correct in her prediction. We would eventually find out, of course, and fucking soon. Rosalie's baby would be here in, like, six weeks. She was officially due on the second day of May but was quick to explain that babies were rarely born on their actual due date and that it could be a couple of weeks before or after, so Alice had planned the baby shower for the beginning of April, two weeks from today.

I walked the aisles looking first in the baby section of the store and finding it vacant, then searching the surrounding departments, stopping to grab about eight things that I didn't really need, until finally, I heard them in Home Improvements. Alice was trying to pull the scanner from Rosalie's hand, who was apparently trying to scan one of those mini electric screwdrivers.

"But I need this, the baby needs this. I'm going to have to put together a bunch of shit like cribs and changing tables, you don't really expect me to screw those together by hand, do you?" Rosalie grumbled through clenched teeth as Alice pulled the scanner out of her hands.

"Dude, that is so tacky. You can't put a screwdriver on your baby registry. Why don't you just register for a manicure? And we have one of these at home, you can borrow it," Alice said sarcastically before she turned and disappeared down the aisle, probably heading back to the baby goods.

Rosalie pulled her shirt down to snuggly fit over her expanding belly and smoothed her hair back out of her face. "That's a great idea. I haven't had a manicure in months," she mumbled to me as she passed by, following Alice. I picked up the pink electric screwdriver. Rose had been nesting lately, that's what she had called it anyway, and it consisted of lots of cleaning and organizing. She had been diligently making lists of all the things she wanted to do and took great satisfaction in scratching each one off as she accomplished the task.

I quickly walked to the cash register and purchased the tool as a small token of gratitude for Rosalie's capacity to fix shit. I don't know if she'd been secretly watching reruns of Bob Villa or something, but I would never have guessed Rosalie was so skilled at home improvements.

Carefully concealing my purchase in my tote bag, I found Alice and Rosalie in the health and beauty section discussing diapers, of all things. Alice was trying to persuade Rose to use these new natural diapers, supposedly they were better for the environment or something, while Rosalie was looking for a new nail color, staring at a multitude of shades of red and all the while frowning at the drug store brand. She quickly used the scanner to scan the polish, giving me a sly smile as she managed to discreetly add the item to her registry.

I quietly pressed a pill from the foil packet in my purse, carefully placing it into my mouth and swallowing it quickly. We were having dinner at the Cullens' tonight. Carlisle and Esme had been a bit lonely lately, the empty nest syndrome beginning to set in. Every weekend Emmett was in town he spent at our house with Rose, Edward practically lived with us already, and with Jasper working so much, Alice was at our house every day after school. Generally, that meant Esme was home alone, seeing as how Carlisle's schedule at the hospital was pretty strenuous. She had decided to slowly start taking clients again, her time now occupied with flooring samples and fabric swatches.

Edward had gone over to the house to prepare dinner and I was sort of dreading the meal. Having Edward's eyes constantly on me was bad enough, but under the watchful gaze of Carlisle and Esme I knew that if the opportunity arose, I would be perfectly poised for an intervention. I just couldn't eat. The sensation of hunger was there but each time I tried to force the food into my body I was instantly sickened by the substance. There were no positive sensations, no good smells, no mouthwatering flavors, just nothing. Food was nothing to me, empty and devoid of any satisfaction at all.

Satisfaction instead now came in the form of a small chalky tablet. I had adjusted the dosage and had been alternating the medications so that I could maximize effect and minimize dependency. And I was finally able to sleep, drowsiness being one of the benefits of the possible side effects. I was able to settle into a decent routine, a normal bedtime, and Edward perceived this as progress. He'd smile as I settled into bed with him, pulling me into his arms before I allowed the darkness of sleep to consume me. The nights he slept at Carlisle's home I would double my dose to make sleep more easily accessible.

It wasn't perfect, but it was better. I mean, lots of people took medication for things, depression, anxiety, headaches. It wasn't like I was on anything illegal, all of Charlie's drugs were perfectly acceptable and approved by the FDA, for fuck's sake. And they were all prescriptions I could easily get over the internet, anyway. If there was anything wrong with what I was doing, it wouldn't be so fucking easy, right?

We barely survived the car ride to the Cullens' because Rosalie suddenly had to pee and had frantically sped to the house. She was extremely skilled at weaving in and out of traffic as she flipped off shell-shocked drivers, all while scanning her eighties mix on her mp3 player. My stomach cramped and churned and as soon as the car stopped I carefully removed myself from the vehicle, thinking our newfound friendship was not yet ready for the effects of motion sickness. I inhaled the cool, damp air, trying to calm the turmoil in my stomach and the spinning in my head before walking into the house. I felt fucking awful and just wanted to make it to the door without puking in Esme's perennials.

Edward was making marinara in the kitchen, the familiar smells of tomato and basil filling the large house. I could hear the cracking and hissing of hot oil on the stove. Edward was carefully pulling the fried chicken parmesan from the pan, Carlisle's favorite.

"Hey! You're back!" he said as I walked to the counter, pressing my face against the cold granite countertop, the smooth surface bringing sweet relief to the burning of my cheeks. "What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"Possibly," I muttered. "Rosalie drives like a fucking maniac."

Edward chuckled, placing the shiny metal tongs beside the stove as he moved to kiss my forehead. "I know. She once made it to Seattle in under two hours, including the ferry ride across the sound."

"Really? I thought that was just an urban legend," I mumbled. "The ride there wasn't so bad but she drove here like a bat out of hell because she had to pee."

Edward laughed, his hands smoothing the hair from my face, his touch soothing to my disequilibrium. "Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes." He moved back to the stove and stirred the sauce with a wooden spoon before using his finger to swipe a taste. I loved watching him cook, the way he moved around the kitchen was so natural and fluid, like his body worked on its own cognition.

Esme and Carlisle were ecstatic to have a full house again. Carlisle laughed loudly, his chuckle abnormally startling as he enjoyed the multitude of voices and tones filling the dining room. Esme kept hugging us, fixing Edward's hair, refilling Rose's plate, little motherly devotions that she had been storing up and was now provided with exuberance and delight. We passed around plates of food: spaghetti with marinara, chicken, eggplant, salad, garlic bread, the ceramic dishes shared amongst the family. Edward and Jasper discussed the latest sci-fi movie that had recently been released while Carlisle contributed information on how realistic the film actually was. I tried to pay attention, the three of them spouting about artificial gravity or something, but eventually my attention wandered to Esme and Rosalie as they traded pregnancy stories, Alice interjecting into both conversations by adding her whimsical bit of commentary, while I pushed the eggplant around my plate, cutting it into smaller pieces and pushing it under the sauce, grateful for a meal where what I ate was overshadowed by the conversation.

After dinner we played cards, a good old fashioned game of Shit on your Neighbor, and naturally, I sucked. This game is completely based on luck, something that I am completely devoid of, and, as usual, I was the first one out. I sat on the couch while the others played and I eventually drifted off to sleep, the little white pill assisting in the venture. Edward woke me up when it was time to leave and I drove home with Rose, groggy and faded, and longing for the comfort of my bed.

Edward met us at the house, practically carrying me up to my room. He helped me change into my pajamas, pulling the cotton pants up my legs as I leaned on him for support. I remember sinking into the plush mattress, the blankets swallowing me up before sleep eventually drowned out all awareness. "Upon a soft white bed, I fell into a dream, you sat up all the night to watch me, to see, who in the world I might be…"

And then there was pain. Holy fuck, my stomach! I clutched at my middle, trying to find the source of the agony, a searing pain throbbing below my belly button. I rolled into a ball, curling onto my elbows and knees, my forehead pressed into the pillow. Jesus fucking Christ! Every move was piercing and every breath staggered as I tried not to aggravate the cramping. I struggled to open my eyes, unable to distinguish between the dark room and the darkness of my closed lids. I stretched my arms out to my side and felt the soft, warm body beside me. Edward.

I twisted my fingers into his t-shirt, using any strength I had to pull at the fabric, the cramping twinge in my stomach intensifying with each movement, but I couldn't wake him. I couldn't speak, I could hardly move, the effect of the drugs still heavy on my awareness.

Eventually, I found the ability to leave the bed and felt a gush of fluid saturate my underwear, and for a moment, in my incoherent state, I thought that maybe I had pissed my pants. I stumbled to the bathroom and pulled down my pants to sit on the toilet as another gush of liquid splashed into the bowl, and I clutched at the pain ripping through my belly. I felt like I was being gutted, the pain stretching into my back and forcing me to curl around my legs. I was freezing and I needed to get warm, so I wiped and stood up to find the toilet water black with blood and thick clots sinking in the dark liquid, blood splashed on the inside of the bowl and smeared on the seat, and I began to panic, my heart pounding in my chest. I looked at my legs, streaks of red down my thighs, and I couldn't breathe, the need to wash it from my body overwhelming all other emotions.

I quickly turned the knob with shaking hands, the freezing water spraying from the showerhead as I clutched at the plastic curtain. The room swayed around me and I struggled to maintain my balance, my fingers pulling at the stiff material as another wave of agony stabbed through my gut. Finally, steam began to fill the space and I stepped into the hot spray, the water pouring over my face as I watched the red liquid loop and swirl around the drain. My heart was beating fast, too fast, and I struggled to breathe before the thumping in my chest began to stutter, a dull thud against my ribs now, slowing, slowing, slowing. Dizziness invaded as I stumbled against the wall, a shock of cold in contrast to the hot water pooling around my feet. The room faded around me, all peripheral images disappearing, the drain now my focus, a circle of darkness floating in a red pool.

…

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A/N

Joni Referenced:

Rainy Night House

The Last Time I Saw Richard

A Melody in Your Name

Song for Sharon…for my darling pumpkin_ball

The shit hath hitteth the fan. The shoe has officially dropped. As always, thank you for reading! I know this is a bit heavy and I appreciate those darlings that are sticking this out. There will be a balance to all this suffering...eventually.