That Time You Brought Your Friends
1989
Massive protests in Germany bring about the collapse of the Berlin Wall.
Nirvana releases their first album, Bleach, for the independent record label Sub Pop.
Drew Barrymore and Corey Feldman have a brief affair after meeting on the set of CBS after school special "15 and Getting Straight."
...
I gently plunge the paper into the developer, agitating the tray to slosh the solution back and forth as the streaks of dark and light slowly appear on the page. Carefully handling my photo with a pair of tongs, I shake the solution from the page before placing it into the stop bath. Again, I gently swirl the chemical over the page. I repeat the process, the solution in the third tray fixing the image in place and then hold it up to expect my work. There in faded grays and black and white is the bend of the river, and I like the way the heat almost jumps off the page. I wash the chemicals from the photo and hang it up on the wire line next to the developing station of my school's darkroom, just as I hear a muffled cough behind me.
"That's really unique," a low, husky voice murmurs. I wipe my hands on my apron and glance over my shoulder. Garrett is inspecting my photo, his skin illuminated as he squints at the page. "I like how you overexposed the film, gives it that sun-bleached effect, like heat waves rolling off the pavement."
"Thanks," I smile shyly, but inside I'm ecstatic. That's exactly what I wanted it to look like!
"You could make this your career and shit." Garrett moves closer and he smells like cigarettes and aftershave and developing solution. He's tall and thin, one of those mopey, artsy-fartsy types, with long, shaggy brown hair and his wallet chained to his pants. We did a project together this year, a collage supporting the destruction of the Berlin Wall for our photography class and it was picked to showcase at city hall in Boulder City.
"Yeah, right. I can totally see my dad letting me set up a darkroom at the marina," I mutter sarcastically. I slip my next photo into the developer, sloshing the chemicals over the page and watch the image appear. This time it's my dad, his cap pulled over his eyes, a cigarette between his lips and he's fiddling with the outdrive of our boat. His hands are smudged with grease and I want this one a little darker so I leave it in the solution a little bit longer.
"What about the community college? You can take a photography classe and use the lab to develop your pictures and sell them to magazines and newspapers. Then, when you make enough cash, you can set up a darkroom at home. It's not that hard," Garrett persists.
"College cost money and why do you care so much?" I ask him, slightly annoyed by his persistence.
"I just hate to see such artistic talent go to waste. We can't allow ourselves to be limited by the capitalistic mockery our government uses to hide the blatant repression of its people." Garrett is right behind me now as I cycle the photo through the trays and hang my father's photo to dry. "Just because we weren't born into privilege, doesn't mean we don't deserve the same opportunities."
"Doesn't your dad work for the city? He's a lawyer, right?" I ask with a smirk. Garrett doesn't know anything about underprivileged. Neither do I, for the matter. I know there are people out there that have it far worse than I do.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to accept his ideals. I'm like you, Bella," Garrett's fingers graze over the top of my arm and I freeze.
"What do you mean, like me? What, poor? A river rat?" I say sharply.
"No, Bella. Wait, I guess that didn't come out right. I meant, real. You don't stand for all the superficial bullshit. You're just you and you're pretty cool," Garrett grins sheepishly. "Look, I'm just trying to tell you that I like you. I've been dying to ask you out all year."
"I don't date," I sigh. It's true. I don't date. I haven't been out with anyone all year, haven't kissed anyone, and haven't let anyone feel me up, not since last summer. Not since Edward.
"I know. I just thought we connected," Garrett brushes his hair out of his face and I consider him for a minute. He's cute, he looks like he'd be a good kisser. He's nice too, in an emotional kind of way. And he's passionate about things, goes on and on for hours about government conspiracies. I could like him, maybe.
But there's only one person on this planet I'm connected to.
"Garrett, you're a really nice guy," I start and Garrett's eyes drop to the floor. "But I'm just not dating. Right now." I add that last part because I can't stand that I've made him feel bad.
"Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. I just couldn't graduate without at least giving it a shot," Garrett mumbles and I feel awful. I'm so stupid! I should just go out with him. He's nice and he likes me.
And he's here.
"Do you want to get a soft serve at the Dairy Burger after school?" I ask and Garrett's eyes dart up to mine.
"Really?" he asks hopefully, and I cringe. Oh, geez. He really likes me.
"Yeah, really," I mumble, placing another photo into the developing solution. Before I even see the lines completely, I know whose picture this is. His coy lips are pulled into a taunting smirk, his cap hiding his messy hair and his eyes burning right off the paper.
I hate him. I hate that I can't forget him. I hate that I still want him. I hate that I dream of kissing him and that I've absentmindedly scribbled Bella Cullen in my journal dozens of times in varying scripts and arrangements. Bella Marie Cullen. Bella Swan Cullen. Isabella Cullen. Isabella Marie Swan Cullen. God, I make myself sick.
I hate how every boy pales in comparison to my best friend. I hate that he's not here and that he's not mine and that he never will be. I just hate.
I stare at his handsome face on the page, his square jaw and smiling eyes and I forget to agitate the solution. I leave him submerged, drowning him out and letting the image fade to black.
…
The Cullens arrive two weeks after I graduate from high school. I don't have a party. I don't participate in any of the normal celebration stuff. I have dinner with my mom at the Tropicana. She gives me a necklace, a silver horseshoe embedded with tiny diamonds and she says it's for good luck.
I go out with Garrett a couple of times, mostly for sundaes at the Dairy Burger in Boulder City and I kiss him on the cheek when I leave. He talks a lot and has a lot of interesting theories on life and the universe. I like him, just not enough.
I don't know what to expect when Edward gets here. I hope we can go back to being friends, and how things were when we were little, you know? Ice cream and silly jokes and just spend time together, as friends. Without touching.
I watch from my porch as the black Mercedes parks at the Cullen's unit around seven in the evening, followed by a shiny, silver Volvo. Rose and Alice step out of the Mercedes, along with Mrs. Cullen and then Dr. Cullen and I see my brother cross the campground towards them.
Edward slides out of the driver's seat of the silver Volvo, a graduation present I assume, and a flood of very pretty, perfect people exit the car. He's wearing his polo shirt and a pair of dark black sunglasses, his hand pulling through his reddish hair. They look like a fricking shampoo commercial, the two girls shaking out their long tresses and smoothing their pleated shorts, the two boys stretching and eyeing their surroundings and I want to puke, right there on my porch.
What the hell is going on here?
My brother jogs over to Rose and pulls her into a big bear hug, holding her for a good minute before shaking Dr. Cullen's hand. He hugs Alice and Mrs. Cullen and waves over to Edward. Edward saunters over to my brother, punching him in the arm, looking around, and then he stops. His eyes sear into mine, even across the distance and my stomach churns.
I am shaking, my hands trembling and then he looks away. This is worse than anything I could imagine. Why would he bring them here? This is our place, our summer and now I have to share it with his Seattle friends. I'm so pissed I can hardly see straight and then one of the girls, a tall blonde, jumps on Edward's back. He laughs sheepishly, and gently sets her down. He looks at me again, and I think there's an apology in his eyes. I only allow it for an instant because I'm too disgusted to continue to watch and I storm inside my house.
I try to think rationally as I pace the floor of my living room, trying to calm my racing heart, trying to not throw up, trying to not break things. I wanted this. I told him it was okay. It's for the best. He doesn't belong to me. He's not mine. This is what I wanted.
There's a rap on my door and I almost want to hide. It has to be him. I quickly wipe my face and smooth my cotton tank over my jean shorts, feeling a hundred percent insecure in my old, ratty river clothes. Bella, get over yourself. Just open the door.
"Oh my God, Bella! He's here!" Alice barges into my living room, twisting her hands as I close the door behind her.
"Who's here?" I ask her, completely confused. My mind immediately skirts to Edward and I kind of want to smack myself in the face. Snap out of it, Bella. It's so obviously over.
"Jasper! I know I told you about him. I've been in love with him forever. He's here. Edward invited him to come and he's here!" Alice looks like she might explode from anxiety and a small flicker of a memory stirs. I remember vaguely a discussion a couple years ago. Alice also told me Edward was in love with me that summer.
"Well, that's a good thing, right?" I try to control the tremble in my voice but I am dangerously close to falling apart here.
Alice shakes her head no as she wrings her hands.
"No, it's not a good thing?"
"No, it's not! Now I'm going be paranoid the whole time he's here. He's going to see me without make up and in my swimsuit and first thing in the morning when I have crusties in my eyes and drool dried on my chin and oh, my God, Bella, what if I snore? What if I talk in my sleep?" Alice is on the verge of tears now. I've never seen her like this. She's always so calm and confident.
"Alice, relax!" I grab her hand and pull her to sit on the couch. "It'll be fine. If he doesn't like you with crusties and drool, what's the point? I mean, you can't hide that stuff forever."
"I know, I'm just really nervous. I like him a lot. I don't want to mess it up." Alice sighs.
"Just don't freak out like that again and you'll be fine. Chicken-shit Alice is not attractive," I tease and Alice's lips spread into a grin.
"Oh, shut up," she mutters.
"So, who are all those people?" I ask hesitantly.
"Edward's friends. Carlisle said he could bring his friends for graduation. They're only staying a couple weeks," Alice says.
"By they, you mean…" I trail off.
"Um, okay, the blonde guy wearing the hat and white t-shirt, looking like a cross between River Phoenix and Dean Martin, that's Jasper. He's wearing suspenders, Bella! Isn't that adorable?" Alice gushes.
"He's wearing suspenders? Here?" I snort and Alice just keeps talking.
"The other guy is Mike Newton, he plays basketball with Edward. The girl with the dark curly hair, that's Jessica Stanley, Mike's girlfriend." Alice pulls her ear, the diamond stud twinkling under the fluorescent lights.
"And the other girl?" I choke out, my heart filling with dread. It doesn't take a math genius to figure this out.
"I think her name is Lauren. She's Jessica's friend." Alice won't look at me. Yeah, Jessica's friend my ass. Lauren is the mistake, the girl Edward screwed in a drunken stupor. There's no way I'd forget that name.
"Alice, it's fine. I'm not jealous." Liar! Liar! Liar! "Edward isn't obligated to me in any way. We're just friends."
"Bella, I don't think you and Edward have ever been just friends," Alice says sadly and I hate the tone of her voice. Pity. It's all there, in her big sad blue eyes, in the turned down corners of her mouth, in the crease in her forehead. Pity. She thinks I'm pathetic.
"Well, we are," I snap, this whole situation grating on my nerves. "Besides, I'm kinda seeing someone. Kinda."
"Are you?" Alice asks deviously. Oh shit, I should have known better. Alice is going to ask questions, lots and lots of questions.
"Dish, Bella. What's his name? Wait, is it Jacob?" Alice asks with squinting eyes and I scowl. Why does everyone always think I like Jacob?
"No, it's so not Jacob. Garrett. His name's Garrett. He was in my photography class," I tell her.
"Do you have a picture? What's he like? Preppy? Jock? Oh wait, photography class, he's Punk or Gothic or something, huh? Oh hot, Bella!" Alice squeals.
"He's more like, left-wing liberal conspiracy theorist," I mutter. "I've only been out with him a couple of times. It's not really anything."
"It's enough," Alice says, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
"Enough for what?" I ask confused.
"A spark," Alice says knowingly with a wink. "Come on. Come say hi. I know Edward wants to see you."
I'm torn because while I really want to see Edward, but I don't actually want to see Edward. I mean, things have obviously changed. People change too. What if he's rude to me? What if he kisses her in front of me? What if I have to punch her in the face?
This is what you wanted, Bella. Detach. Lock it up, put it away.
"Sure, okay. Let's go say hi." I force a smile and take a deep breath.
Alice leads me to her family's unit. They've dispersed, and the group is no longer congregating in front of the prefabricated home. Alice walks inside and I hesitate on the porch, my heart beating in my throat as I finally step through the door.
"Bella!" Mrs. Cullen wraps her arms around me, her floral perfume reminding me of the department stores in Vegas. Dr. Cullen is setting up his typewriter at the table, and he pauses a moment to give me a small wave and a big smile.
"Where'd everyone go?" Alice asks, her hands on her hips.
"I think they were heading down to the docks, to get an ice cream or something," Mrs. Cullen says, gathering up a few bags by the front door and walking them into the kitchen.
"Okay, we're going to go find them," Alice says, linking her arm through mine as I swallow the massive lump in my throat.
"Okay girls! Have fun!" Mrs. Cullen remarks absentmindedly from the other room as we walk back out into the heat.
"Are you okay Bella?" Alice asks me once we're outside and I nod. I'm fine. I have to be.
"So, how's school?" I ask, desperate for a distraction.
"It's school. I don't know, I'm not really cut out for the college scene. Rose is the brain, not me. I'm more of a people person, you know?" Alice pushes her bangs out of her face. Her hair is short, a sharp angular chin-length bob with bangs that cut straight across her forehead. "You know what I want to do? I want to go backpacking across Europe. Wouldn't that be so awesome?"
"Yeah," I answer half-heartedly. I haven't actually ever thought about leaving the marina. It's not really an option. I mean, sure, when I was little I always thought I could travel the world, but those are kid dreams, you know, shit you laugh about later. Backpacking across Europe is just so far out of the realm of possibility for me, I can hardly even form an opinion on the matter.
"I got a job at this coffee place downtown," Alice babbles. "I really love it. I get to talk to people and make things and it's a real laid back, organic organization. And they're really into the local music scene. We have bands play on weekends. I don't know, maybe I'll just own my own coffee shop."
I can't help but feel envious of Alice. She can, literally, do whatever she wants. Not once does it occur to her to worry about money or family obligation or even logistics. The way she talks, it's like every opportunity is right at her fingertips and she just has to decide which one to choose.
As we get closer to the docks, I can see the group hanging out by the swings and my stomach is in knots. I'm so conflicted because I know I shouldn't be feeling these things, I have no right to be jealous. Lots of people use these swings. Lots of people eat ice cream, but I can't ignore the bowling ball of dread rolling around in my gut as we get closer.
The sun is just beginning to set but I can see the girls sitting on the swings. One of the guys, I guess it must be Mike because I don't see any suspenders, is pushing them both, grabbing their swings and jerking them around, and they're laughing and shrieking. Jasper sticks out like a sore thumb, in his black, tapered pants and loafers. Yep, and suspenders pulled over a white button-up shirt. And then there's Edward, sucking the sherbet from a cardboard carton.
He looks up as we approach, his intense eyes contradicting the innocence of the red syrup trapped in the corner of his pink lips and I can't fight the smile spreading across my face. Oh God, he's the same. He's just the same as always. He's still beautiful. His hair is longer, messy and hanging in his face but shorter around his ears and neck. He's wearing his river clothes now, jean shorts and a blue tank top and I want to run and tackle him and I can't. I can't and it kills me.
"Hey guys!" Alice greets them cheerfully and the girls slow their swings. The dark haired one looks me up and down and she smiles. This one is Jessica, I think, according to Alice's descriptions. She's petite and pretty, her bangs poofy and sprayed into place. Her white pleated shorts are crisp, and her pink top clings to her curvy shape and I feel a little sick at the thought of her perfect figure in a bikini. I can't hardly look at the other girl, Lauren. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see her. I hate her and I don't even know her and I hate myself for feeling this way.
Grow up, Bella! It's not her fault. She might be really nice.
"Is this the river girl you were talking about, Edward?" My cheeks flush and I finally look at her.
Lauren is tall and blonde, her hair teased and curled in long poufs. She looks just like Jessica. I mean, she's blond and freckled and super pale, but she looks just the same. Same pleated shorts, only in brown. Same top, only in lavender. They're so generic, like paper dolls and I suddenly have a whole new appreciation for Alice's eclectic style.
How could Edward like this girl and then like someone like me? We couldn't be more different if we tried. She's blonde and busty and just, so trendy. And I'm just not.
"This is Bella. She's my best friend," Edward says with a soft smile and internally I sigh. He's the same. It's still him and for a minute, all my yucky feelings subside.
"Hi Bella! Like, oh my God, you are so pretty. Like, isn't she so pretty, Laur? Seriously, your skin is so perfect. I bet you never get zits," Jessica says as she stands up and moves closer, to get a better look, I guess and I feel so ridiculous. It's true, bad acne is one thing I've never had to deal with.
"Um, thanks. You're pretty too?" I mutter, confused and feeling like a complete tool. How the hell am I supposed to respond to a comment like this?
"Aw, you're adorable!" Lauren gushes and I feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone. "Jess, she's totally pretty like in a sporty, outdoorsy natural way. You totally have one of those body types where you can eat whatever you want and never ever get fat, huh?" Okay, yeah, I eat tons of junk but it's not like I'm super skinny or anything, I'm just average, I guess. I don't know, I've never really thought about it before. What is wrong with these people? I don't have many girlfriends but people don't really act like this, right? I mean, this isn't normal, is it?
"Well, I believe Bella means beautiful. I think it's French or something." The one I'm assuming is Mike speaks and I see Edward's head drop as he laughs. Great, he thinks this is funny.
"It's not French, you idiot. It's Spanish." Jasper grins at me with a wink and I feel Alice's arm twitch. Edward's hand clasps over his mouth and I narrow my eyes at him.
"Well, we're going to get an ice cream," Alice says cheerfully. "We'll see you later."
"Later," Edward remarks through his muffled laugh and I'm disappointed. That's it. That's all the best friend gets, I guess. I have to remind myself about twelve times as we walk to the general store that I'm fine. Every step I take away from him I internally chant, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Liar.
Leah's at the cash register again this summer and I can see she's curious about Edward's little gang of country club protégés.
"Hey Bella, Alice." She watches me the whole time, her eyebrows creased, her lips pursed and I just shake my head at her, trying to tell her to forget it, to not worry but her face doesn't ease.
"Hi Leah! Nice to see you," Alice says politely. "Can I get a Strawberry Shortcake please? What do you want Bella? I'm buying you an ice cream. You deserve it."
"What do you mean by that?" I ask her as Leah turns around to dig in the freezer behind the counter. I'm a little bit sick of the patronizing bullshit. I'm fine.
"I just mean, this has to be hard for you. I know about your relationship with Edward. I know," she says pointedly and my mouth drops open.
"Edward told you?" I whisper and Alice shakes her head no.
"No, I saw you guys kissing last year. On the shore. And his hand was in your pants," Alice says matter-of-factly as Leah snorts and I want to die, my face flushing with embarrassment.
"Jesus, Alice, will you keep your voice down?" I whisper and Leah laughs out loud now.
"Oh, come on Bella, anyone within a foot of you two could tell you were fucking. It was so obvious," Leah says and my eyes pop out of my head.
"We never…we didn't." I close my eyes and try to pretend I'm invisible. This is like right out of a nightmare or something.
Just then the bell on the front door rings and Edward peeks his head into the store. Alice giggles, prompting me to sock her in the arm.
"Ow," Alice scowls and rubs her arm.
"Hey! Bella, can I talk to you for a sec?" Edward walks into the store and I shrug, trying to be cool. I nod towards the stockroom and I hear Leah chuckle behind me as Edward looks at her, then at me, confusion plain on his face. I just roll my eyes and grab his wrist, pulling him into the stockroom.
I drop his hand quickly, irritated and embarrassed and just feeling like a big pile of crap.
"What's up?" I ask him, my voice cool. Just be cool, Bella. Just relax.
"What's with Alice?" Edward asks suspiciously. He pulls his hand through his hair, his eyes peering down at mine. God, he's really tall. He must have grown like four inches or something.
"Why are you so tall?" I blurt out and he laughs.
"I don't know, genetics? My grandpa was like six five or something," Edward shrugs as he steps closer and my breath stops in my chest. He smells so good, like soap and sunblock and I can still see the little bit of sticky syrup caught in the corner of his lips and I want to kiss him. I lick at my lips absent-mindedly. Box it up, Bella!
"Um, what did you need to talk to me about?" I ask as I take a step back. Edward just looks at me, the expression on his face something I can't place. Like when you're searching for the perfect word to describe what you're thinking and you can't remember it. It's right there and you just can't grasp it.
"I missed you," he says quietly and I look down at the floor, my chipped purple nail polish peeking through the dust covering my feet. He's wearing sneakers, slip-on Vans and I smile because they remind me of a time when things were far less complicated.
"I know this is weird, with Lauren and everything but-" Edward starts and I can't stand the patronizing one minute longer.
"Edward, I'm fine. It's okay, I'm completely, fine. Everything is fine." God damn adjectives, don't fail me now!
Edward smiles and I know he can see right through me. "Good. I'm glad everything's so fine." He winks at me and without thinking, I playfully shove him hard in his chest, trying to fight his infectious grin.
"Hey!" he laughs. "What was that for?"
"You're such an ass," I roll my eyes, which just prompts another chuckle.
"So, I have a favor. Do you know a good cove for camping? We want to sleep out on the river for the Fourth, like in tents and I kind of hoped you'd help us find a good spot," he asks.
"Oh. Um, yeah, I know a spot," I mutter, a little dejected.
"You guys can come too. You and Emmett and whoever, everyone's invited," Edward says quickly and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Now I'm just lumped in with everyone.
"Sure, sounds great. I'll let Emmett and everyone know." I can't even look at him.
"Cool. Well, I'll see you around," Edward says quietly. But he doesn't move. I glance up slightly to find him staring at me, and I can just feel the intensity buzzing around him. I inhale sharply, my eyes connect with his and I can't look away.
And for one second, one tiny little moment of weakness, I let myself remember. I remember his hands on my hips, his mouth rolling with mine, his body pressed hard against me and I can see him remembering too. He smiles slowly, his hair falling over into his face and the distraction breaks the connection. Stop looking at him. Stop wishing, stop hoping. You can't have him. You're fine.
"I'm fine," I whisper.
"You certainly look…fine," Edward whispers back.
"You should probably get back to your…friends," I mumble and he nods. He walks out the back door and I can finally breathe.
I am so not fine.
…
"Why do you insist on inviting him everywhere?" I hiss at my brother as we grab the last bags of camping supplies from the boat.
"What? Just because you're holding on to some grade school rivalry doesn't mean I have to. Jacob's dope," my brother says. Yep, Jacob is indeed a dope.
"Alright, but if he tries anything, I'm going to hold you personally responsible." I hold the chairs overhead, my sandaled feet sloshing through the water.
"Jacob's so over you, Bella. He's moved on. Don't be so conceited." Emmett scolds as he floats the ice chest to the shore.
"Like, it's so totally hot here. Is it going to be hot like this all night?" Jessica and Lauren are wearing matching two-toned pink bikinis. I think they went shopping together or something.
"Get used to it, sweetheart," Jacob smirks as he removes his t-shirt. "Make sure you lotion up, we wouldn't want that delicate skin of yours to get sunburned."
Oh God, Jacob makes my skin crawl. I don't care what my brother says, he's so inappropriate sometimes. I mean, she has a boyfriend.
I set the folded up chairs on the shore of the long rocky cove. This cove is pretty large, big enough for three tents and all our chairs and a bonfire pit. Rose is filling one of the tents with food as Emmett and Mike and Alice put up the canopy. I glance over to see Edward and Jasper digging a hole for the fire. Jasper finally changed, he's now wearing a pair of black swim trunks with his collared, button-up shirt. My eyes drift to Edward and I freeze. He's crouching down, lining the pit with rocks and he's shirtless. The long muscles of his back are carved and defined, his shoulders freckled and already browning. I fixate on the two little dents on either side of his lower spine, his shorts slung low and revealing the top of his ass crack, the pale white skin of his behind striking against the brown of his back. Oh, fricken frack. It's going to be a long three days.
Just then, another form steps into my line of sight. Creamy white skin, long slender legs leading up to a perfectly shaped figure in a bright pink bikini, her almost white hair flowing down her back. Lauren. She reaches down, her goddamn perfect ass now blocking my view, and pulls up Edward's shorts. He spins around, practically falling over, and his eyes lock with mine. I quickly look away, disgusted with myself for staring, and even angrier for getting caught.
Looking for an escape, I head out into the water without even bothering to remove my shirt and shorts. I duck under the surface, letting the calm surround my head. I close my eyes and block out sound and sight and smell, and allow myself to feel weightless for a minute. I hold my breath for as long as I can, my lungs screaming before I surface. I gasp for breath and feel the hot sun on my face and I force my eyes open. Detach Bella. You can handle this.
I can handle this.
We spend the rest of the day sitting around the campsite, eating sunflower seeds and beef jerky. Jasper and Mike break out the beer early, cracking open cans around lunch time and they spend the rest of the day in a drunken haze. Lauren and Jessica lounge in the sun, sipping wine coolers and reliving their senior year of high school and all the fantabulous shit they did. I listen to all of it, but I only pay attention to the parts about Edward.
I piece together that Edward and Lauren went to prom together and that he was valedictorian. He was the captain of his basketball team and he throws the most "bomb-ass" parties when his parents are out of town. Their conversations make me wonder about him. Does he party back home? I know he said he was wasted when he slept with Lauren, but what does that mean? It bothers me because it makes me question what I know about Edward. I don't know him like these people know him. I don't know him like Lauren knows him. And if I don't even really know him, how can I trust what I feel for him? It's all quite a mess in my brain and I feel sick as I stalk their conversation for clues.
"So, beautiful Bella, do you have a boyfriend?" Jessica asks me, a coy smile on her lips.
"Um…no. I don't really date," I mutter, hoping this excuse will quell their curiosity.
"Yes, you do. What about that left-wing hippie guy, Garrett?" Alice asks, as she props herself up on her elbows and I want to strangle her. I glare at her and she just mouths the word "spark" to me and I wonder what the hell she has up her sleeve.
"He's just a friend," I say without thinking and I hear Edward snort. All our eyes turn to him, his eyes on his notebook as he scribbles before he looks up.
"Oh, sorry, I just remembered something funny." His eyes burn and I stare at him in contempt. A least I hope it's contempt, because I'm feeling a little contemptuous.
"What like a friends with benefits kind of thing?" Lauren asks lazily and I can feel Edward's eyes on me, waiting for my answer.
"No, he was my partner in Photography class. We just go out for ice cream," I say, my eyes slowly reaching Edward's and he grits his teeth and I glare back. How dare he? He can fuck some chick and then bring her here, to our place, and I have to be completely cool. I can't even have ice cream with some dumb boy? This is exactly why we can't be more than friends.
"Like, oh my God, that's so romantic! How hot would it be to do it in a darkroom? Like so fucking hot, right? Right?" Jessica gets side tracked by sexual fantasies and I am so grateful the conversation is over. I try not to look at Edward again, but I can feel his eyes on me still.
I try to focus on my book, the sweltering heat heavy and making me tired. The boys throw around a football in the water for a while. Emmett pulls Rose, Alice and Jacob on inner tubes behind the boat but I can't dredge up the energy to ride along. Edward writes in his notebook, as Jasper strums lazily on a guitar. Mike and Jessica take off on various "nature hikes" and Lauren chomps her Bubblicious gum, blowing huge pink bubbles and then popping them loudly until eventually, I can't stand it anymore.
I toss my shirt and shorts into my chair, my sporty blue one-piece feeling awful matronly compared to the other girls and wade out into the water. I float on my back, longing for the comfort of summers past and thinking maybe I should just have Emmett take me back to the marina tonight. I mean, sleeping arrangements are going to be tricky. We have two tents for ten people and obviously, Edward is going to stick with his friends. That leaves me with my brother and Rose, Alice and Jacob. I can't stand the thought of Edward being in that tent with Lauren, their legs intertwined, touching, breathing, kissing just feet from me. Maybe I'll just sleep in the boat.
Why am I being such a horrible, jealous natured bitch? I hate the way I don't want Edward to be happy with Lauren. If he likes her, he should be with her. It's so unfair for me to push my issues on him, make him uncomfortable about wanting to be with someone. He doesn't owe me anything. This shouldn't be this complicated.
I hate this side of myself I'm discovering. I've never really been a jealous person but then again, I've never really cared enough about anything to warrant the jealousy. I'm used to accepting things as they are. It's like what my dad says, there's always someone better off than you, but there's always someone who's got it worse. And this is not that bad. I mean, Edward's still my friend. This is just how it has to be.
Emmett brings the boat back just in time to start barbequing hot dogs. He builds a roaring fire, piling on wood and brush and we grill hot dogs speared on wire hangers. Things are better in the evening, when it's dark, when I don't have to really see Edward's muscled chest and stomach and remember the way it felt when I touched him. It's still fricking hot out, and we take frequent swims to cool off. I tie my hair up in a bun on top of my head to keep it off my back.
"Hey Bella, do you want a beer?" Jasper asks me as I stare at the fire, the orange and red flames licking at the sides of the deep rock pit. I glance up, expecting my brother to tell him no, but Emmett's engrossed in making out with Rose. Oh, barf-o-rama.
"Bella doesn't like beer," Edward says, taking the can from Jasper's hand and cracking it open for himself, he polishes it off in a few massive gulps. For some reason this irritates me, like he knows all about me when I don't really know him.
"Yes, I do," I say indignantly and Jasper grins, tossing me a beer from the cooler. I pop the top, the fizzing foam spilling over the lip and onto my chest and lap and down my arm. "Shit!" I curse and lick my arm and hand.
A towel drops into my lap and I look up to find Edward staring at me, the fire making his eyes dance and I mumble a quick thanks and clean myself up. He sits back down in his chair, Lauren coming to sit at his feet, her back resting against his legs. And this hurts, seeing them together like this. It hurts bad. I bring the can back to my lips and I drink. I don't even let the liquid touch my taste buds, I just swallow until it's gone.
Jasper cheers and throws me another can and I just want to feel nothing. So I drink again, a little bit of the foam coming up my nose and this makes me laugh. Suddenly Alice is beside me on my towel, a fuzzy navel in one hand and a joint in the other as Jacob crashes into my other side, his hot, heavy arm falling across my shoulder. She puts the paper to my lips and I inhale like I've seen Jacob do so many times. The smoke burns in my lungs making me gag and choke and I cough. But I don't care because there's another beer in my hand and I can't see Edward anymore.
Emmett tells the story about the Trackers again and how he thinks they were abducted by aliens. It's always his topic of choice when he's been drinking.
"Are there really aliens?" Jessica whispers as she gazes into the sky and I snort. "Can they see us?"
"I'm sure they see everything. Their technology has got to be incredibly advanced," Emmett muses.
"And why would they come here, to our little Podunk shit town? To fish? Why the hell would they come here, Emmett?" I ask, my voice thick with sarcasm.
"You know we're just miles from where they test Nuclear Weapons. If you were an alien life form investigating a foreign planet, where would you go?" Emmett says persistently.
"Vegas. I'd go to fucking Vegas," I slur and Alice giggles.
A few more beers and I'm spinning. I pull the rolled weed to my lips, the crackling of burning paper and plant in my nostrils. The rocky cove and starry sky twirl around me, even when I close my eyes, and I can't tell which way is up. I lay on my back, the dirt and rocks sticking to my sweaty skin and Jacob hovers over me, the stars spinning around his head. They look so close, like I can reach up and grab the white specks right out of the darkness. I lift my heavy hand and try to grab the stars, opening and closing my fist next to Jacob's head.
"You are so high, little Swan," he says and I laugh because it's been like three years since anyone has called me that and the words sound funny coming out of Jacob's mouth. "What are you doing?"
"I just…I just…I want to hold the stars." I'm laughing so hard now. My words are even ridiculous to myself. I roll onto my side, vaguely aware of Jacob's head on my shoulder, his body shaking with laughter. I try to sit up. Alice is lying beside me, blowing smoke circles from her rosy lips. Jasper strums his guitar, a cigarette between his lips as Mike softly croons a mournful, self-loathing song I've never heard before. My brother has disappeared, probably off somewhere with his Rose, basking in his part-time quasi-relationship. Jessica is puking in the shrubs, Lauren holding her long curly hair out of her face and I giggle. And then my eyes fall on Edward.
He's still seated in his chair. His feet planted on the dirt in front of him, his hands gripping the armrests and he's staring at me.
He just sitting there, burning his gaze into me. I stop laughing, I stop breathing. I freeze and stare into his green eyes that seem to glow red in the light of the fire. His teeth grind together, his whole face tense and he is glaring at me.
"Bella, let's go for a walk, Bella," Jacob's lips are on my skin, his breath hot in my ear and I never thought I'd be nauseated at the sound of my own name. "Bella, has anyone ever kissed you under the stars?"
"Yes," I whisper, my eyes filling with tears as I stare into those fiery green eyes and I just can't take this anymore. Jacob's lips are still on my neck and I feel like I'm going to break, crumble right here in front of everyone and I can't do it. I have to get out of here.
"Stop, Jacob, knock it off." I shrug away from his arm and he grabs my wrist, his fingers digging into my skin.
"Bella, come on. You were feeling it, don't tell me you weren't feeling that just now," Jacob slurs and I look over at Edward murderously tense on the edge of his chair.
"All I'm feeling is sick. I need to cool off." My voice quivers as I pull my wrist away from him and wade out into the water. I clumsily climb into the boat, and pull one of the huge canvas covered inner tubes over the side. The rope is still attached from Emmett's earlier boat ride and I tether the tube to the front of the boat. I climb into the tube, my legs hanging over the edge as let myself float away from the cove. And I cry. I sit in the rubber inner tube, the canvas cover warm and water filling the bottom of my little sanctuary and I sob, the effects of the alcohol and pot still thick in my head. How did I get to this place, where some silly summer Pay Check can break me? Why do I let Edward Cullen have this effect on me?
"Bella?" I feel a warm, wet hand on my foot and I scramble to look over the edge.
"Can I sit in your tube?" Edward asks out of breath as he treads water. His wet hair drips into his eyes as he looks up at me through his dark eyelashes.
"No, go away," I mumble. I don't want anyone to see me like this, my eyes swollen and puffy and crying my heart out.
"Bella, just let me in the tube. I swam all the way out here, and I'm going to pass out and drown if you don't let me in the tube. Do you want that on your conscience?" He smiles, teasing, and I go back to hiding in my tube.
"Get your own tube," I reply stubbornly and I feel him grip the side, his foot popping up over the edge.
"Nope, I don't want my own tube. I want to share yours." His face appears, and then his shoulder and the rest of his leg as he rolls into the small space, his wet body pressed against me and I've lost my will to argue with him. We sit, hip to hip, his long legs under my arm, my knees bent, my feet tucked against the slick warm skin of his lower back. He traces the scar on my knee, his fingers tickling the damaged skin and I can't breathe.
"I'm not supposed to let you touch me," I mutter. "It was my rule for this summer. No touching."
"Well, that's a shitty rule," Edward says, his fingers now running circles around my knee.
"Stop, Edward. Just stop, please," I whisper, my eyes welling with tears again.
"I don't want to stop," Edward grumbles defiantly.
"Well, you have to," I say sharply as I gently nudge his hand away with my foot. "Jesus, Edward, your girlfriend is right over there."
"Lauren's not my girlfriend. She never was. It was just…the one time. She's only here because Jessica has a big mouth and invited her. There's nothing between us, Bella." Edward rests his hand on my knee again, the corner of his lips pulling up into an uneven grin.
I blink, Edward's words resonating in my head. He's wrong, there's everything between us.
"Could have fooled me." I remark as I absentmindedly pull at the hair on his legs. "I wasn't supposed to get jealous either. That was my other rule. Don't be jealous."
"Are you jealous?" Edward asks me, a little grin on his lips.
"Well, duh," I roll my eyes and Edward's hand traces my scar again, sending little shivers tingling in my legs.
"You don't hide it well," Edward teases and I kick his hand off my knee again.
"I just hate thinking that those people, your friends, they know this side of you that I don't. I mean, with me, what you see is what you get. I'm not anything more than what I show you, Edward," I try to explain.
"What are you talking about? You are the most confusing person on this planet. It's like you keep all your thoughts locked up in your head and I have to play twenty questions to figure out what the hell you're thinking. It annoys the shit out of me!" Edward says, exasperated.
I look up at the sky again, trying to make sense of these feelings and trying to find the words to explain them. It's just so hard because I don't even know what I want to explain.
"What do you want to be, Edward, when you grow up?" I ask him with a smile, because it seems we're grown. We look like adults, but there's a part of me that still wants to be that little girl swimming in the pool of the Tropicana and pretending to be a lounge singer.
"I'm going to be a doctor, like my father," he says quietly. "I'm starting college in September at the University of Washington and then I will go to medical school in Seattle. Like my father."
"No, I said what do you want to be? I want to be a lounge singer in Vegas," I confess and he looks surprised. "Oh, is it really that hard to imagine?"
"Yeah, I can totally see you in a sequined dress, and spread out on a grand piano," Edward laughs and I dig into his ribs with my foot.
"That's not the point. The point is to look inside your heart. What does it really want for the future?" I press.
Edward doesn't say anything. He circles my knee again with his finger, his eyes focused on the patterns he's drawing into my skin.
"It doesn't matter. I can't have it," Edward mutters and I roll my eyes.
"Yes you can! You can have whatever you want. You don't have to worry about money or circumstance. You have every opportunity and all you have to do is just reach out and grab it," I argue.
"It's not that simple, Bella. Not everything I want can be bought." Edward looks at me through his hair, his eyes dark with intensity, his hand clenching my knee. "Not everything can be solved with a check."
"I know that, Edward. But pretend. If you could do anything, what would you do?"
He grins, mischief in his eyes as his grip on my knee eases into the delicate tracing again.
"I want to play the piano for your lounge act," he says and I inhale sharply. So wasn't expecting this response.
I want this to be true so badly, I can almost see it. Edward would look really sharp in a black tuxedo and poised behind a grand piano, his long fingers flying over the white keys. I would wear a beautiful sapphire blue sequined dress, my hair curled around my shoulders in big soft rings. For one minute I forget about reality and I pretend it's real. Edward and I live in a penthouse apartment in one of the fancy hotels in Vegas and we make love at night and wake up every morning together and eat ice cream for breakfast. It's all so ridiculous but I let my mind indulge in the fantasy just a minute, just one goddamn minute of pure happiness before I snuff it all out and push it away.
We're quiet for a long time, and I wonder if he's imagining it too, if he's letting himself indulge in the fantasy.
"I don't really want to be a doctor," Edward says quietly. "That's the first time I've ever said that out loud."
"You don't have to be, Edward. You can do anything," I tell him. "Write or play the piano or play basketball, you can do anything."
Edward snorts. "Tell that to my dad. You know, he never once saw me play. I led my team in scoring in the State Championships and he didn't show. He only lets me play because it looks good on a college application."
"I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in this marina for the rest of my life," I offer, trying to let him into my head. "I don't even really need to go to college. I already know everything I need to know about running the marina. Paying for college would just be a waste."
"You should be a photographer, take pictures of the river and sell them. You could do it. Turn your talent into something that can make you cash and then you won't need the marina."
"It's not that I need the marina, Edward. The marina, my dad, my brother, they need me. I can't just leave, I can't just walk away from my family," I stress. Trust me, I could totally live without the marina.
"My mom made me take piano lessons when I was four. One year before she died. She wanted me to be well-rounded, have extracurricular activities and shit." His fingers circle my knee again and I don't bother to stop him anymore. I just listen, trying to hold on to every word.
"The first song I ever learned was Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. I played it for her right before she died. I don't remember it. My dad told me. My dad said my mom was so proud of me that day and that's all I want to do. I want to make my mom proud. I want to be the man she wanted me to be. It's why I still play piano, because she wanted me to. She wanted me to be a doctor too and I can't stand the thought of letting her down. I just always want to make her proud."
I've never heard Edward speak of his mother this way before. I've hardly heard him speak of her at all, to be honest. I can't believe he's sharing this with me, and letting me see him at his most vulnerable. I don't know what to say. I don't know if there is anything I can say. Everything I think to say sounds almost perverse in comparison.
"I've never told anyone that either." Edward runs his hand down my calf now, his arm wrapped tightly around my legs. He's hugging my legs. He just needs a hug. I can give him that. I shift in the small space and crawl into his lap and I hug him. I wrap my arms around his neck, my face pressed into his shoulder and I just hug him. I can feel his tense body relax, his arms wrap around my waist and he squeezes me tight. We don't move for a long time, just sit there wrapped together and floating on the calm, dark water.
…
Edward leaves two weeks later with his friends, his silver Volvo pulling out of the marina and it's only July. I'm frustrated and sad and sick to my stomach but the memory of what Edward shared with me on the river slightly fills the void. I work at the store and hang out with Alice when I have time, since Rose spends every waking hour with my brother.
I'm not sure exactly when Alice becomes my friend, but I now see that we have more in common than I initially thought. She feels displaced, stuck between Rose the brainiac and Edward the boy-wonder. She thinks college is a waste and can't stand the thought of spending the next four years of her life in school again. And she's infatuated with a guy she can't have.
"He doesn't even know I exist, Bella," Alice groans as we sit on the swings. She's still talking about Jasper. "I mean, if he wanted to be with me, he would have by now, right?"
"I don't know Alice, maybe he thinks you're out of his league. You're like the unattainable older woman type." I have no clue what I'm talking about. I just want to make her feel better.
"All that really means is he just doesn't like me enough," Alice says as she leans back in the swing, letting her head fall back as she turns upside down.
"That's not true, maybe he likes you too much and it's scares him," I suggest.
"Nope, if he really liked me, then nothing would be able to stand in his way, not even himself," Alice says from her upside down position, her hair fanning around her head. "You know inverted positions are supposed to stimulate your brain."
"You are so weird," I say and Alice laughs a great big, upside down giggle.
"But think about it. Love involves risk and sacrifice of pride and ego. Love is saying here I am, you might reject me but I'd rather deal with the pain and find out than pine in silence and never know. If Jasper isn't willing to take a risk, he doesn't really want me." Alice pulls herself upright to make her point.
"You aren't exactly throwing yourself on the altar of self-sacrifice there, now are you?" I snort.
"Oh, Bella, Bella, Bella. He has to do the sacrificing. I am a prize, and Jasper should have to do something to win me." Alice has been reading Cosmo again. I'm beginning to think Cosmo should come with a disclaimer or something.
"Well, I don't want to be a prize. That makes me think of those shitty stuffed animals at the carnival. Shouldn't it go both ways? You know, like yin and yang, give and take, peas and carrots?" I argue.
"Drew and Corey," Alice says wistfully.
"Who?" I ask her confused and she looks at me in disbelief.
"Are you kidding me? What, do you like live in a media vacuum or something?" Alice asks sarcastically.
"Pretty much," I mutter.
"Oh! I forgot! I have your birthday present back at the house. Edward gave me strict instructions not to give it to you until right before we leave," Alice says with a wink and I look at her in surprise. I've kind of grown accustom to Edward's presents. They make the end of the summer seem not so dismal, but I just figured he'd forgotten this year.
"It's a book," Alice spills and I laugh. "I peeked after he left. Hey, do you have a CD player?"
"Nope, it's just trusty old cassettes for me," I say. My dad refuses to buy a CD player because then he'll have to replace all his cassettes with CD's and he thinks it's a waste. Maybe I can ask my mom to get me one for my birthday.
"Well, I'm going to leave you a tape then. There's this local band I want you to listen to. They have a totally unique sound, like if the Sex Pistols and Black Sabbath had a baby. I think they're going to be big." Alice gets up off the swing and we head back to their unit.
"What are they called?" I ask her, my feet crunching through the gravel.
"Nirvana."
The hot swells of moisture are rolling in and bringing the storms. The air smells of rain and I sigh. The summer is over and I'm beginning to settle into my lonely mindset again. I still have no clue what I'm going to do with myself for the next year. The thought of hanging around here every minute of every day makes me sick to my stomach and I can feel the anxiety budding in my chest. Maybe I will take a couple classes at the community college. Maybe I can go live with my mom, just to get away from the marina for a while.
I follow Alice through the door of the unit, the inside spotless and clear of any evidence of its inhabitants. Everything is packed up and put away. The Cullens are leaving in the morning.
Alice hands me a striped bag off the counter and I dig through the yellow tissue paper and pull out a large square book. It's bound in red leather and filled with thick black heavy parchment. The pages are blank and I look to Alice for answers.
"It's a portfolio. For your photographs." Alice beams and my eyes fill with tears. I don't even try to fight them, because I'm emotionally exhausted and this present, it's just exactly the breath of confidence I need right now. How did he know this is just what I needed?
"Oh no, what's wrong?" Alice asks and I wipe at my face with the back of my hand.
"It's great, Alice, really. I'm just confused. Why does he do stuff like this?" I ask her and she pulls me into a tight hug.
"Because he loves you," she says into my shoulder.
"Maybe." I whisper. "But we both know it's not enough."
…
A/N
Aw, who's gonna miss the 80's? ME ME ME! But I'm totally a grunge girl at heart. I still have my Doc's with the rainbow laces.
So a couple things I need to mention:
FICTIONATORS! (mount up...heeehee) This story was recommended on Fictionators! OMG. Thank you so much to these fuckawesome ladies and their kind words. Love bbs, love.
Little Miss Whitlock (melsvfp on the twitter) is hosting a read-a-long for this story Thursday, June 10th 9pm EST on twitter. FtS Bella will be tweeting along so if you want to smack some sense into her, now's the time! Details are on my blog (link is on my profile...Ridiculous amounts of links I know...lol)
For the Summer has been nominated for an All Human Twilight Award for the Class of 2010 in the category of "Fanfiction You Couldn't Stop Reading." Again, link is on my profile if you'd like to check out all the nominees.
Lastly, thank you to all you tweeters out there in twitterland for spreading the summer love! I'm not on twitter, but my Bella is, and she wants you all to come hang with her at the cove.
SubtlePen is wonderbeta and Miztrezboo prereads with amazing swiftness. I love you ladies!
Cam's judging! Details 
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