For the Summer - 1996

CH 14 – That Time You Said I Love You and Meant It

1996

Hootie and the Blowfish wins a Grammy for "Best New Artist."

In 12 months, the number of Internet host computers goes from 1 million to 10 million.

Interest Rates at Year End reach 8.25%..

…
...
"Look, I sent you that invoice three weeks ago and I still haven't received any kind of verification. Well, I realize that, but that doesn't mean you can't fax it over. Not everyone has internet you know!" I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths but I can't focus on anything but the pounding in my brain.
"Fine. That will be fine." My dad slams down the phone exasperated.
"Jesus Christ, there's not one competent person at that company. A bunch of half-wit teenagers running the place." Dad rubs his eyes and smoothes his mustache streaked with gray and he looks weary and tired. Leah's dad, Harry had a heart attack a couple weeks ago. He's okay, but it really hit me how stressed my dad's been. I've already lost my mom. I don't know what I'd do if anything like that were to happen to my dad. He needs help.
Jacob up and quit on us right after Halloween. He and his girlfriend Bree moved to California to live with his brother Jared. I think they're going to start a band or some shit. Dad's been trying to take care of the maintenance issues and deal with this new launch ramp, but everyday there's some problem. This new ramp is a pain in the ass and I had no idea how much work it was going to be. We went with this company that looked good on paper, Crowley Concrete, but we've been given nothing but the runaround with these assholes. We thought they'd be good to work with because it's a family business, a father and son team out of Laughlin. Then again, the Black's are a family business and they specialize in screwing people over. Now, I feel like an idiot because this is the first big decision I've helped my dad make, without my brother or Jacob, and now it's all a mess.
I can only do so much. I take care of reservations and the bookkeeping and make sure we're still floating but the two of us can't do it all. My dad's getting old and his body isn't what it used to be. He can't crawl or climb and heavy lifting hurts his back. He's going to have to break down and hire someone. We can afford it. The books haven't been this good in years, but my dad's really particular, and he's stubborn. I think he feels like admitting he needs help is like admitting he's getting old.
"I'm going out for a smoke," I say and he just looks up at me for a millisecond, his mustache twitching as he rifles through the mound of blueprints, estimates, notes and messages on his desk. I make a mental note to clean it later when he goes home.
I walk to the store to meet Leah. It's January and the weather is nice, still cool enough for pants but the sky is sunny and bright. She's already smoking on the sidewalk, her eyes fixated on the dozen or so construction workers pounding the old cracked blacktop that used to be our launch ramp with jackhammers
"Not a bad view, huh?" she says as she hands me a cigarette from her pack. I look more carefully at the sweaty men in their dirty t-shirts, and a couple of them are really, um, developed.
"Wow, look at his arms," I say as I eye a particularly fit blonde. "They're like as big as my thighs."
"I know," Leah sighs. "Jenks can barely lift my ass onto the kitchen counter. Last week, we were trying-"
"Et, blah, la, la, rutabaga, rutabaga," I mutter the string of nonsense and plug my ears. Leah grins mischievously while I suppress the urge to vomit. I don't want to hear about her sexcapades. I think her and Jenks are going for some kind of world record or something.
We stare and smoke together in silence until one of them looks up and catches us gawking. He doesn't look like he's doing much of the work. He's standing by a big blue van and chit chatting with some of the other guys and I want to bark at them to get back to work. We're not paying them to socialize. He smiles slyly and winks and I blush, like a fricking twelve year old.
"Looks like you have an admirer," Leah laughs and I toss my spent cigarette to the ground.
"Hardly," I roll my eyes. "He thinks I'm checking him out."
"You are," Leah says.
"I am not," I protest and then proceed to shamelessly check him out. He's not very tall and he's tan, probably lives around here. His shoulders are very wide, like he works out or something. His face is friendly, and his dark hair is short and neat. He's wearing a tight gray t-shirt and jeans with a silver belt buckle that I've seen before, and my heart stutters.
"Edward has that belt," I murmur and Leah glances at me from the corner of her eye.
Edward's in Seattle figuring out what he wants to do with his life and I haven't heard from him all year. I think he tried to call once, there was a message on the office phone but it was just background noise that sounded like a party or something. I don't know for sure if it was him. I actually don't know anything but I can't hold it against him because these are the terms that we decided. No expectations, no obligations.
Year after year he expects me to wait and he's never once had to fight for me. I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I know Edward cares about me, but I'm not stupid. He's trying to fill a void in his life and last summer he used me. This is what I anticipated, it's how it's always been between us but I can't keep waiting around for him. I neatly wrapped up my love and secured it in a beautiful box inside my heart. It's the only way I can handle this, the only way I'm not hurting. It's the only way I can get unstuck. I feel like everyone is passing me by, life is passing me by. I can't live like this, frozen, never moving forward, waiting for Edward who may or may not decide he wants me.
Rose gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with dimples and fuzzy golden hair that she named Vanessa Renee. Vanessa was born on Thanksgiving, two days after Emmett's birthday. He sent us pictures and called us from the hospital when Rose went into labor. I asked if Edward was there and my brother said he wasn't. Then I felt horrible for taking the spotlight away from his good news, so I didn't ask anything else.
"You should go talk to him," Leah urges and I give her a scowl. Leah thinks Edward's a douchebag. That's what she called him. She said he needs to get his head out of his ass, and I'm inclined to agree, but I know it's not all his fault. I know all too well what it's like to feel lost and hopeless.
"I am not going to talk to him," I say. I've been on a couple dates but nothing serious. I went out with Peter from the bar in town and he's nice, but dumb as dirt. I have nothing in common with him and he listens to Hootie and the Blowfish. I could never be with someone who likes Hootie and the Blowfish.
"This is why you'll never get over Edward, because you never try to get over him. You're comfortable basking alone on your little island of delusion, aren't you?" she asks and her words fester. "What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid," I say with a glare and she snorts.
"Right, and I'm not a chain smoker." She rolls her eyes and I hate the look on her face, like she's got me all figured out. I'm not afraid. I'm not, and I'm going to prove it.
I spin on my heel and march right over to the blue van, anger fueling my confidence. I set my gaze on the dark haired pectoral muscles with the belt buckle who is now enjoying his lunch. He's seated on the inside of the sliding door and I know I shouldn't bother him while he's eating, but I'm determined and angry. I see the man's face change as he notices I'm walking over towards him. In a matter of seconds, he's right in front of my face and has the oddest eyes I've ever seen. They're hazel, but more like honey and they catch me off guard the minute they meet mine.
"Hi," I say in a rigid voice and his lips curl into the sly smile again.
"Uh, hi," he says mid bite and, oh my God, I feel like a complete moron.
"What are you eating?" I ask and he looks down at his sandwich.
"Peanut butter and jelly," he smirks.
"Good choice." What am I doing? Turn around, Bella, and stop humiliating yourself. I am so bad at this.
"You know, I had initially doubted my decision," he says and I try not to smile. "Can I help you with something?"
"I doubt it. I'm just trying to prove a point," I say, the willingness to bullshit completely evading me.
"Do you want to split my sandwich?" he asks and I can't help it, my lips crack and I'm grinning.
"Did you just offer to share your lunch with me?" I ask in disbelief and he shrugs. He has freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks and they're really cute. In fact, he's really cute and those eyes… they're just the weirdest color.
"No thanks, I've got a licorice in there with my name on it," I say as I motion to the store behind me. "Don't want to spoil my lunch."
He chuckles and his laugh is nice. "I'm Tyler," he says as he holds out his hand and I take it.
"Nice to meet you, Tyler."
"And you're Bella," he says. "You work in the office, right?"
"Yeah," I say hesitantly and he grins sheepishly.
"I'm Tyler Crowley. You know, Crowley Concrete."
"Wait, are you the one who's been dicking me around?" I say and he's taken aback.
"Uh, no, I don't think I've been dicking around." He says the word like he's going to get a time out for swearing. "We just had a misunderstanding, that's all."
"Weren't you the one who said we wouldn't be having a misunderstanding if we cleaned up our 'clerical issues?'" I ask, my hands on my hips.
"Ah, yes, and you're assuming I meant you're the clerical issue," he says and I squint.
"Okay. I'm gonna go now," I say as I back away from him and his face falls.
"Hey, Bella, come on, let's start over," he says as he gets up.
"No can do, Tyleroni. I'm done with starting over. Time to move on," I say with a terse wave and I turn and walk away.
Tyler Crowley brings me peanut butter and jelly every day for the rest of the month of January, long after the launch ramp is finished, which we magically have no more issues with. He's charming and sweet, and I don't even like peanut butter and jelly but I let him sit with me and share my sandwich. He asks me out on Valentine's day and I have never had a date on Valentine's day, not even when I was dating Garrett. He thought the holiday was a ploy by the government to get the American public to buy black market blood diamonds.
I try to keep things casual, but by June, Tyler and I have gone out dozens of times and I like him, a lot. He's funny and he lets me win when we play cards. He drives in from Laughlin every weekend to see me, and he sleeps over. The first time Tyler stayed over, my dad almost shit a brick. He didn't say anything, thank God, but he did stay at Billy's that night. He's gotten used to it, and now they actually get along quite fabulously. I mean, there's really no reason not to like Tyler. He lives close, but not too close. He goes out of his way to kiss my dad's ass, but still holds firm to his convictions. He fishes, he boats, and helps my dad out with things at the marina. I think he sees a possibility in Tyler that even I haven't fathomed.
The closer it gets to the end of the month, the anxiety starts to invade. I didn't plan on liking Tyler, not even a little. I didn't plan on going out with him, or kissing him or sleeping with him. It just all happened so effortlessly and now I don't know what I'm going to say to Edward when he gets here. If he gets here, that is.
I speak with Emmett before they leave Seattle and he's unsure if Edward's coming this year. If he is, he'll be making the drive alone. I'm sure Emmett's told him about Tyler and I wonder if that's the reason he's not coming. I also wonder if he's figured out what he's going to do with his life. I wonder if he has a girlfriend, what his hair looks like, if he's seen any good movies lately and what new bands he likes.
I miss him.
I miss him so much it makes me cry. I'm sitting across from Tyler in a really nice Italian restaurant in Laughlin and I'm wearing a pretty summer dress and eating tiramisu and I'm sobbing. Tyler looks worried because I haven't ever cried in front of him before. I run to the bathroom because I'm so embarrassed.
Things with Tyler are good, the conversation is good, the sex is good, the dates are good, but the truth is, it just doesn't compare with Edward and it makes me angry. I don't want to love Edward anymore. I don't want to hurt when I think of him because it ruins all the good that he is. It ruins all the things that we've shared and what we've shared is beautiful. It's just not permanent. Edward's life is in Seattle and I can't see a reality where our worlds can be one. I think Edward knows this too and that's why he hasn't called.
Tyler waits outside the women's restroom and I decide I'm going to tell him about Edward. I have to be honest, because Tyler has to know what he's gotten himself into. He has to know that someone else holds my heart and always will, and I'll let him make the choice if he wants what's left over. It's a shitty deal, and he might walk away, but it's only fair that he knows what to expect.
We drive in silence. Tyler doesn't even turn on the radio and all I can hear is the sound of his truck's noisy exhaust. He's waiting for me to explain and I'm thinking about chickening out.
He parks next to my car outside his apartment and I know I need to tell him now because I'm not going to be coming up to sleep with him tonight. I just want to go home and curl up on my bed and maybe listen to my mixtape.
"So, I have to tell you something," I start and Tyler turns to face me and I take a deep breath. "I have this friend who visits the marina every year. And he might be coming into town for the summer."
Tyler just sits there, waiting and unfazed. I'm going to have to spell this out. Boy, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. I'm going to look like a total asshole.
That's because you are a total asshole.
"He's like my best friend and I care about him a lot. Um, we kind of had a thing," I say and I can't help the smile twitching on my lips because it reminds me of that year Edward brought that girlfriend. God, that was like five years ago. It seems like decades.
"What kind of thing? Like, a friends with benefits thing?" Tyler says and it wipes the smile from my face.
"It's hard to explain," I whisper.
"Is he one of the two?" he asks and I nod.
"You love him." It's not a question and I nod.
"Then, geez, Bella, what the hell are you doing with me?" And I start to cry. "Right. I'm the rebound guy. God damn it." His hands pull through his hair and I can see the frustration in his tense jaw and neck.
"I really like you, more than I expected and this thing with Edward is just…I'll always love him but I can't be with him. And I want to be with you, I really do, but I thought you should know what you're dealing with."
Tyler's quiet for a long while and I think he's going to tell me to fuck off. I wipe my face and gather my purse and I'm about to get out of the car when he grabs my hand.
"Wait. You want to be with me?" he asks.
"I want to try," I say. He leans over and gives me a slow, lulling kiss.
"I can handle that."
I hope to hell that I can, too.
…
My brother and Rose drive into the marina in a brand new red Ford Windstar. It doesn't even have license plates yet. The Cullens also got a new car, a sleek silver Mercedes and Alice and Jasper are in the back seat. Edward's not with them, but this is expected.
I run straight into my brother's arms and I cry into his chest. He lifts me off the ground in a huge bear hug and he laughs.
"Since when are you such a softy?" he says and I scrunch my nose at his comment.
"Shut up, I'm never going to meet my niece for the first time again and you are not going to ruin it for me." I give him a shove and he ruffles my hair, like he used to do when we were little. My brother is a dad. This is just amazing to me and I haven't even seen the kid yet.
Rose reaches into the back seat and pulls the baby from her seat and I instantly see my brother in her chubby, cherub face. Her cheeks are pink and full and her ears are huge and she's flashing me a big drooling, toothy grin. Her golden hair is curly and tied in a tiny barrette on the top of her head. I immediately pull her against my chest and kiss the soft skin of her face. I hold her tight because without my permission, all the ways I could drop her go running through my head and I feel sick with worry. She smells so good and feels so warm and soft. I just want to hold her little body forever.
"Hi baby girl," I whisper and give her a raspberry on her cheek. She pinches my face, her little nails digging into my nose and lip and I laugh. "Ow, chick! That hurts!"
She just giggles and drools and I laugh at the silly sounds she makes as I balance her on my hip. I play peek-a-boo and mimic her sounds and it feels like we've known each other forever.
"Yep, she loves me already," I say as Rose finally takes her from my arms. I can see my dad walking up the gravel road and Emmett grabs Vanessa and carries her down to meet him. I watch from a distance as my dad pats him on the back before taking the small hand of the little girl in my brother's arms. Rose brings her hand to her mouth and I look over at her and there are tears in her eyes. I wrap my arm around my sister and I wish my mom were here.
Rose, Jasper and Alice can only stay a couple weeks because of their work schedules. They'll be leaving after the Fourth, but Emmett's planning on keeping Vanessa and staying the rest of the summer. It's amazing how Emmett just knows how to be a dad but, then again, I guess he had a good example.
It's really strange seeing my friends and family without Edward. I'm not devastated like last time, because I was kind of prepared. Still, it hurts. I watch the road from time to time, like any second his car's just going to appear on the gravel and everything will be as it should. God, I miss him. I miss my friend and I can't stand them being here without him. It just brings back all those memories I've fought all year to repress.
Everything feels off, and I can't relax. I need to talk to him. I feel uneasy, like he's upset with me and his absence is his way of telling me off. I wish he would have just had the guts to come and yell at me to my face.
We decide to stay in the marina for the Fourth because Rose doesn't want to take Vanessa out on the water, even though my dad says that both Emmett and I were out on the boat before we could crawl. I invite Tyler, and Leah and Jenks come too and we barbeque on the private beach in one of the fire pits.
Dr. Cullen and my dad play horseshoes and Jenks and Jasper talk about inflation. Mrs. Cullen, Alice and I play with Vanessa, dipping her toes into the water. Leah assaults Rose with all kinds of grossly inappropriate placenta and uterus questions while I try to tune them out. All Emmett talks about is some alien invasion movie that came out yesterday and we make plans to drive into Boulder City to see it. Tyler is a perfect gentleman, of course, and limits PDA to hand holding and I'm quietly grateful. I told him that this was Edward's family and I could see the stress leave his body when I told him Edward wasn't here. I felt guilty because I was angry with him for being happy about that. It's killing me that Edward's not here and Tyler is happy about it.
When it gets dark, Rose and Emmett take the baby back to our house to put her to bed. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen say goodnight and take off. My dad kisses me on the forehead before saying goodnight. The rest of us sit around the campfire and talk until the wood has all burned up. All that's left is meandering red and orange lines that slowly burn in the darkness.
"So we bought a house!" Alice announces, her dark hair layered and bouncy around her face and she looks like Rachel from Friends. "It's adorable. It's not in the city, but in a little suburb, kinda close to the house Rose and Emmett just bought."
"Wow, congratulations!" I say and Alice beams.
"Well, we figured we should do it now, before interest rates get too high," she says and already my mind is wandering. Oh my God, interest rates? I don't even have a checking account and they're talking about interest rates. I feel like an infant.
I'm sitting between Tyler's knees, leaning against his chest and I'm almost falling asleep when Alice murmurs something beside me that makes me jolt out of my drowsiness.
"Edward. He's here." She gets up from her chair next to Jasper and I turn around to see his silhouette heading down the sidewalk by the store. My stomach drops and I feel like I might throw up. Shit, shit, shit!
Tyler's arm snakes around my waist and I feel like I can't breathe. The heat is suffocating and I don't like his arm around me. It feels like a vice but I know what he's trying to do. He's claiming me, attaching himself to send a very clear message. She's mine.
His possessiveness is not endearing.
I want to push him away but I know that is the wrong thing to do. So I let his arm rest against my stomach but my whole body is tense and awkward.
"Edward!" Alice calls him over. He's on the sand now by the swings and I see his gait falter. This is going to bother him, like it bothers me to think of him with someone else, but it's just the way it is.
"Hey, kids," he says, cool as a cucumber as he approaches. His eyes are on me, burning, flickering eyes alight with a soft glow from the dying fire. I can hardly make out the features of his face, but I can see his eyes, his long lashes interrupting their glow. I don't care, I have to hug him. It's okay to hug your friends, even in front of your boyfriend.
Not friends you sleep with. Slept with. Whatever.
I detach from Tyler's heavy arm. Edward's surprised as I approach him. It's plain on his face and his cool façade falters for a moment. He smiles sadly, but then it's gone and a cynical grin replaces it. I hug him nonetheless. I know he's disappointed, but I want him to know that I stand by my pinky promise. Best friends, no matter what.
Edward doesn't return the hug. I feel his body cold against mine and everything feels wrong.
"Glad you could make it," I say and he snorts and I glare at him. No one says a word and I hate this feeling so much, like we're dancing on shards of glass and with one wrong move, we're slicing open an artery and bleeding out.
Edward's eyes shift to Tyler on the sand and he stands, a whole head shorter than Edward and I see a cocky grin. I just know Edward's eating this up and it makes me grind me teeth.
"You're new," Edward says and I swallow.
"Tyler Crowley," he says and holds out his hand and Edward stares at his rough, calloused hand.
"I'm Eddie," he says and accepts the handshake. It's my turn to snort. This is so not fair, that I'm meant to feel guilty about this, like I've betrayed him or something. I get that he's upset, but he doesn't have to be such an ass and I'm torn between punching him and buying him an ice cream.
"Nice to meet you, Eddie," Tyler says and I cringe.
"No one calls him Eddie," I interrupt and they both turn to glare at me. "Well, except vampire monster witches."
Tyler looks confused but I see Edward's lips twitch into an almost smile, and I'll take it.
"So, what deep, philosophical topic are we discussing tonight? Time travel?" Edward says as he settles to the ground and I exhale with relief. I sit down next to him and Tyler hesitates before seating himself at my side, his arm around my waist again and I let him leave it there.
"Interest rates," I say, and the conversation resumes. Edward glances out of the corner of his eye, his eyes drifting to Tyler's arm and back up to my face and I'm just itching to explain. I need to talk to him, alone. I try to convey it all in this one silent look: I'm sorry, I need to explain, I missed you.
Edward just looks away and my stomach knots. At least he came. That must mean something. If he really hated me, he would have just stayed away.
Or, maybe he would have showed up last minute and acted like an ass in front of my boyfriend.
I sigh, my eyes fixated on the glowing embers in the fire pit. Once I explain, he'll understand.
Be real Bella, what's there to understand? You've moved on and now you've hurt him.
He hurt me, too.
God, who am I kidding? It's not a competition.
In this situation, neither of us will win.
Tyler doesn't sleep over. He has to work in the morning, but I make it known that I don't really want company tonight. He's worried, I can tell, but this is why I had to tell him about Edward. As much as I like being with Tyler, Edward was my friend first and I owe him an explanation. I can't deny that I'm far more worried about Edward. Maybe it's because I know how secretly vulnerable he is, or because I know he's been going through this quarter-life crisis thing, but I know Edward needs me.
I'm just falling asleep when I hear a light tap on my window, and my heart is pounding. I'm shocked he's even here, knowing I have a boyfriend. He knows I shouldn't let him in. It's a test, and it's going to hurt him if I don't. It's going to hurt me, too. But it's going to hurt Tyler if I do. I open my blinds and there he is, his eyes are sullen and downcast and I don't know what to do. He looks up at me, swirling fiery green, and I sigh. I can't refuse him and he knows it. I'm pathetic.
I open my window but I don't pop out the screen.
"You can come in the front door, you know," I say and he licks his lips.
"What about your dad?" he asks. Oh my God, what are we twelve?
"Just go around to the front door."
"I like climbing in your window," he smirks and I have to admit, I like it too. It reminds me of old times, when things were so much simpler. Now it just seems sneaky and deceitful.
"Just go to the door, Edward," I say quietly and he nods. I shut my window and pull on my sleep shorts. And then put on my bra. And then I change out of my tank top and put on a bigger t-shirt.
Oh for fuck's sake, this is ridiculous.
Edward's sitting on the porch and I sit down next to him on the step. He looks over at me and my stomach flutters. He looks just the same, except for the short hair. I don't like it.
"Do you love him?" he asks me and I'm momentarily stunned. Geez, no warm up or anything. I didn't even get to stretch my explanation muscles. He's going straight for the kill.
"I don't think so." Edward stares into my eyes and I think my response has him confused. It has me confused, too, because up until this moment my answer would have been a definite no. I don't love Tyler. Although, this feeling that's overwhelming me right now, this consideration I'm harboring for Tyler, has me thinking maybe I do love him, or maybe partly love him. I know I love Edward; that will never change. Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
"I'm going back to school. I have to get my Ph.D., that's not an option, but I'm not cut out for medical school. I'm thinking science teacher, biology. You know, inspire the masses," he shrugs and I smile.
"You'd be a really good teacher. You're very patient and you'd be great with kids. But you don't need a Ph.D. to be a teacher," I say and his eyes soften.
"I know. But it's what my mom wanted. She wanted me to be a doctor, and this way I can still…" he stops and looks away, his gaze finding his fingernails.
"Still what?" I ask and he sighs.
"I can still make her proud, at least."
"Edward, I'm sure she'd be proud of you no matter what. You're an amazing person and a really loyal son. And it's brave of you to go back to school. I'm proud of you," I say and he holds his head in his hands. I see a tear slip down his cheek and land on his khaki shorts.
"Hey," I say and place my hand on the back of his neck but he refuses to look at me. "Edward?"
"No, forget it. I'm proud of me too. Or I will be. When this is all done," he shrugs away from my touch and I fold my hands in my lap, my chest throbbing at his rejection. "I gotta go."
"Really? You have to go? Where would you possibly have to go?" I ask, incredulous.
"I don't know. I just want to go." He picks at a scab on his elbow and I wonder how he got hurt.
"Okay," I say and I'm helpless. He stands but he hesitates.
"You could ask me to stay, you know."
"No, I can't. I have a boyfriend."
"That's not what I meant." He takes off running and I call after him, but he's gone, the darkness of the desert swallowing him up. The gentle thud of his feet is replaced by the quiet hum of generators and the rhythmic chirp of cicadas.
…
The next month is the most awkward month of my life. Tyler drives into the marina every weekend and he sleeps over and we have sex and it feels empty. I fake it half a dozen times because Tyler's a hard worker and won't give up until he thinks I'm good. That's what he asks me, "You good?" and I nod and he comes inside me. I feel like such a liar.
Rose, Jasper and Alice leave shortly after the Fourth of July. Edward sticks around but I don't know why. I don't know if he's waiting for me to change my mind or come to my senses or what, but he doesn't leave. I see him outside on the docks, feeding the fish or taking off on the boat all alone. He keeps his distance and I'm irritated because of all the times he brought various people to our place, I never once treated him poorly for it. At the very least I maintained our friendship, even when it killed me. I always put Edward, my best friend, first, because I promised him that I would. No matter what.
Leah's living vicariously in what she perceives to be sweet vindication. She thinks it's great that Edward's so upset about this. "Give him a taste of his own medicine," she told me, but it's different now. This would be okay if we were nineteen and talking about some stupid, insignificant crush, but we're not. It's so much more than that and the importance of my relationship with Tyler weighs heavily on my choices. I know if it were any other guy, I'd be able to walk away, even if it was just for the summer, to be with Edward. I can't do that to Tyler. He loves me. He's a part of my world here at the marina and he's a good second choice, maybe the best second choice I'm ever going to get.
I play with my niece and help Emmett change her diapers and feed her and put her to sleep. My heart pulses when I think of how she's going to leave in just a few weeks. I want to go with them. I've actually thought about it, packing my shit and moving with Emmett to Seattle. I would be in their world, in Edward's world and I would do it in an instant if it weren't for the fact that my dad needs me here now more than ever.
It's not just my dad anymore. I have friends here too. Leah is like my sister, and the thought of not seeing her every day sends me into a panic. Even Jenks has gotten under my skin. He's like a permanent fixture around the store on the weekends. Then, there's Tyler. I just don't know if I could give up the certainty of what I have here for a possibility of what I could have in Seattle. Tyler is a sure thing. Edward is just confusing. I know close to nothing about Edward's life in Seattle. What if I don't fit in there? What if I move and everything falls apart? What if all Edward wants in me is someone to make him feel better during the summer? I used to think that Edward would be my friend no matter what but now look? I tried to live and he won't speak to me.
I'm on the dock, having a smoke with Leah when I see him on the swings. He's watching me and I've had enough. This isn't fair, the way he can just disregard our friendship because his ego is bruised. He's acting like a spoiled brat. I'm going to talk to him, get it all out, and I can't think of a better time than right now.
I toss my spent cigarette to the ground and Leah looks at me warily as I march over to the swings. He watches me the whole time and he can tell I'm coming over to fight with him. I can see him gearing up for it, his face changing from sad to slate as I grab the chains of his swing and look him square in the eye, our noses bumping as his swing sways.
"You pinky promised," is all I say. I walk away and he's following me. I head into the Laundromat because really, it's the only place I can think of that's secluded enough for a raging argument. And believe me, I plan on yelling.
"What do you mean by that?" he snipes and I turn around and slam the door shut once he's inside.
"You know what I mean. You pinky promised. You said we'd be friends no matter what. You are such a hypocrite," I yell, poking him in the chest and he's furious.
"I'm a hypocrite. Oh Christ, Bella!" Edward walks away from me and he paces in the small room. "You...you have no idea what this is like for me, you have no fucking clue. To see you with that guy. He's...he's short and his hands were all over you-"
"He's not that short," I interrupt and Edward just glares at me.
"What are you doing with him?" Edward trembles, his lips sneer and I stammer.
"I'm trying to have a real relationship. My life doesn't just stop when you leave. I'm tired of waiting for you to maybe show up or to maybe want me. I can't do it anymore."
"Bullshit! It's all bullshit, Bella." His voice booms through the small room and sounds amplified against the metal casings of the machines. "You're with him because he's here, because he's easy and safe. You're with him because he fits into your world, because he can help you run the marina, because he's who your dad approves of. You're with him because you don't want to be alone anymore, because someone, anyone, is better than having nothing. You're with him because you're scared."
"I'm not scared," I say through clenched teeth, my eyes blurred, my skin prickling at his words.
"I know what you're doing. I used to do it, too. I used to search frantically for someone who could take you off my mind, someone who could fill that emptiness. I've only ever felt full, whole, complete here, with you."
"You're just mad because I'm not sitting around waiting anymore. I'm sorry, but things change, people change." I can barely get the words out as I try to remember my argument. All my reasons, all my rationalizing seems ridiculous now.
"Nothing ever changes! Every year I come here, I will it to change. Every year I think I won't want you, that I won't feel it, that I'll be able to resist, and every year it's still there. I pray that you'll ask me to stay, that you'll let me inside your head, that you'll chase me and want me enough to take a risk and nothing ever changes. Every year it's still there, this unbearable ache that I can't get rid of. Persistent, gnawing, and gouging out the inside of my chest. It never changes. It's been thirteen years. And nothing's changed." His face is very close to mine, and I can feel the frustration vibrating in the room.
"You break me, year after year and still, I come back to you. Still, I spend every fucking day, ten months, 304 days, waiting for the summer. It's all I live for. It's all I worry about. How can I get back here, how can I get to you. And every year, you push me away. And you pull me back in. You keep me at a distance, even when you let me get close. Every year, I want to give up. And every year, I can't." His voice is soft now and my head swims with his declarations.
"You didn't call me. You had sex with me and then you ignored me for months, Edward. We've been through this before. If you wanted to get to me so bad, you should have found a way," I spit back.
"Look, I was a little freaked out when I left here last summer. I've had sex, but I've never had love," he says. "And I've never had sex, or made love, with the same person more than once. I didn't know how to do this with you. I didn't know how to deal with all the things I was feeling, it was just too much. I shut down. And you moved on." It's an accusation.
"We don't make sense. All we ever do is hurt each other. We're just from two different worlds, we're too different. We don't understand each other," I mumble as the tears stream down my cheeks. I break him. I hurt him. Every year I've hurt him, and I feel sick. This whole time I thought it so easy for him to leave me behind. I thought I was making things easier for him and this whole time, he's been hurting, just like me.
"I love you, Bella." He grabs my shoulders and I watch the words leave his full lips, his tongue dancing around his teeth. "I've loved you since I first saw you on that dock, with your bread and your braid and your big snotty attitude. I agree, we're not the same, but together we balance. Can't you see how well we balance each other? You've always said no obligations, no expectations but I want to be obligated to you. I want you to expect me to call and then get all shitty pissed when I forget. I want to have to make it up to you by bringing you flowers and ice cream and then I want to make love to you until you forget anything wrong I've ever done and just love how much I love you."
I inhale as he drags his thumb across my cheek, his fingers pushing my hair away from my face. Tears fall and his face is blurry. All I see is green and red and it's so quiet now, like a vacuum in space. I almost don't want to interrupt it with breathing. He loves me. Edward wants to be obligated to me.
"I love you, too," I whisper, and the room wakes up. I hear the hum of washing machines around me, the buzz of the light, the soft whisper of Edward breathing. His hands still pull through my hair and over my face, and then over my shoulders and back to my arms. "But what are you going to do, Edward? Are you going to stay here? Give up school and move to some Podunk shit town to run a marina and be with a river girl?" I pull away. It doesn't make a bit of difference if we love each other. Edward was right, nothing changes. He can't move here. We both know it, and I can't leave.
"All you ever had to do was ask and I would have given it all up, everything." He's pleading with me. He wants me to ask him to stay, but I can't. It has to be his choice.
"I could never make you do something like that for me. I could never ask you to give up everything. What kind of person would that make me? It's what my dad did to my mom and she left us. She changed her mind and she hated my dad for it. You'd resent me. Maybe not at first, but later, when we're middle aged and you think of what your life could have been. I…I could never be responsible for ruining your life."
"Why do you think that would ruin my life? You think you're at such a disadvantage here. You think the whole world is against you when, truthfully, you've never tried to be anything other than 'just a river girl.' Don't even take that the wrong way because I know what you're thinking." He catches my eye and I look away. Damn him for knowing my brain.
"All I'm saying is, if you don't like it, fucking man up and change it. Stop bitching about your life and start living it, Bella! You could do so much, you could fucking publish a whole goddamn book with all the pictures you've taken, but you never will. You're afraid. You're afraid to leave, you're afraid to live, you're afraid to love. You're afraid to love me. Shit, you're afraid to love yourself."
I can't even retort because everything he says is true. I am afraid. I'm afraid to try because if I try and fail then there really is no hope for my future. What if I try to be with Edward and it doesn't work out, and I lose him forever? I keep him at a distance not because I'm afraid to love him, but because I'm afraid that it won't be enough. I've seen too many failed relationships to know love isn't enough.
"You could have left with me. We could have gotten in my car and I would have driven you anywhere you wanted to go but you'll never leave here."
"My dad…"
"Is an excuse. He'd be fine. He'd hire someone else."
"It's not reality Edward. When you're here, you're on vacation. It's temporary. You don't have to worry about work or school or…laundry. We have ice cream and boat rides and naps on the cove. What we have, it isn't real…"
"Bella, you're the only real thing that I have. Why don't you understand that?"
"I can't."
"I know. And I know what's going to happen. I'm going to leave and you're going to marry this guy and have his babies, and take care of the marina and your dad and Leah and everyone else. And it'll be a second-choice life. Won't it? Because I know your first choice. I know it includes me and Vegas and I play the piano and you wear a sequined dress and you sing. You sing, Bella, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard." I'm sobbing. My heart is wrenched open and it's bleeding. Gushing. And it's just pain, so much pain I wonder if I'll ever breathe again. I've always told him no and now, I've obligated myself to someone else.
"And you know what shits me? You know what makes me really pathetic? When it happens, on the day you get married or when you have your first kid, I'll still be here. I'll still be your best friend, no matter what." He whispers the words and he kisses my forehead and I grapple onto him. I hug him so tight, I'm afraid I might be hurting him and I kiss his face as the tears stream down my cheeks. He pulls away, his hands fold over my arms and he wrenches free from my hold.
"Edward, please? I just need time, to figure this out," I murmur and he just shakes his head and kisses my cheek.
"We've had time." He lets his lips graze against my skin, he inhales once and then he's out the door. I'm yelling for him but it's like I'm underwater, my voice isn't strong enough, isn't loud enough, my legs can't move fast enough. It's not enough, too little, too late and I stand at the swings and watch the tail lights of his old Volvo disappear down the uneven road. I've lost him.
How many years are we going to do this? How many times am I going to push him away and pull him back, a great tidal force of hurt, a constant beating and rolling and pummeling of monumental rock until all that's left is little tiny grains of what we used to have. I'm confused and trembling and all I can see right now is Edward and I in a church only he's not the one I'm binding myself to and I feel sick to my stomach.
I stumble home, a hysterical mess of a human being. My dad is seated on the couch, watching Seinfeld and he's laughing but he immediately jumps up when I burst through the door.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he asks me and my lower lip trembles when I try to speak.
"Daddy," I sob and I'm in his arms in an instant. I cling to his t-shirt and he smoothes my hair and I can barely stand. Everything is just so messed up and I don't even know how to go about starting to fix it. "I don't know what to do."
"It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be fine," he shushes me and I breathe him in great heaping lung-fulls, all cigarettes and beer. And I know he's right, everything will be fine eventually. It just really, really sucks now.
"Dad, how did you do it? When Mom left, and never came back. How did you get over losing her?" I ask him and his hold tightens.
"I didn't. I'll never get over losing her," he says and I frown. This is the answer I expected. I want him to have some secret, some dumb saying that will make it all better. But my dad's a straight shooter. He tells it like it is, even when it hurts.
"You kids make it a little bit easier, though," he says and kisses my forehead and I know he's remembering her, remembering his life before she left, before she died and I feel his body solidify. "It's like I still have a part of her in you two."
"Everything's so messed up, Dad. I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm scared," I mumble into my dad's t-shirt.
"That's my fault," my dad says and I look up at him, confused. "Everything I do, I have you kids in mind, everything. I've only ever wanted to protect you, Bella, to make sure you're always taken care of. This marina, it's all I've got. It's all I have to give you. I mean, I grew up here, same as you Bells, and I know what it feels like to be obligated to something you don't want."
"Dad, it's not that I don't want it. I love the river, I love the marina, I do. I just want other things too. I want experiences outside of our little bubble. I want to fail at things and succeed too and I want to feel scared and excited and proud of myself. I don't know, it sounds like a lot to want and it's selfish. But I feel like I'm a stranger, like I don't know me."
"Well, then I guess there's only one thing to do," my dad says and he pulls away and sits back down on the couch. "You're fired."
"What?" I ask him, unsure if I heard him correctly.
"You're fired." His eyes don't sway from the television.
"But what about the marina? The bookkeeping? Who…what are you going to do?" I ask him dumbfound. What does he think he's doing?
"I'll hire someone new. Maybe move Leah up to the books. She's good at math and logic and stuff. I've seen some of those puzzle books she obliterates while she's supposed to be working," he winks at me.
"You can't fire me," I argue. "I know what you're trying to do and I'm not going to let you. You need help."
"Like hell I can't! I can do whatever I want. And you're fired. It's about time you learned about the real world and how good you've had it here. Now you give me a hug before I change my mind, missy." And I throw myself into my father's arms and I cry while he chuckles.
I whisper into his shoulder and he kisses my forehead and his mustache tickles my skin.
"Thank you."
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A/N:

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much and wish I could take you all to the river with me next weekend.

I did an interview with the lovely ColdplayWhore that will be up on P.I.C.'s FanFic Corner (linkage on my profile) this Friday. Check it out if you want to hear more of my rambling nonsense.

SubtlePen beta's and Miztrezboo prereads, and they are the tops, like Fred and Ginger. I'm the dirty to their dancing. Did you all see the deleted dry hump? Youtube it.