…
"Bella, can you get Dad on the line too? We have some news," my brother says.
"Dad, pick up the phone." I sit at my desk across from him in the cave-like office. It's the beginning of May and already stifling outside. The office is cool though, the windows covered and insulated to keep out the heat.
"Hell-o," my dad says, giving me a questioning glance. I shrug my shoulders.
"So, we're moving to Seattle. Rose has been offered a position in a law firm and she's decided to take it," Emmett says. This is great news! At least he'll be in this time zone now and maybe they'll come with the Cullens this summer.
"Congrats Rose! How exciting!" I say.
"Thanks. It's a really great spot in the District Attorney's office as an assistant. I'll be specializing in sex-offense crimes, which might be emotionally exhausting but I think I can handle it," Rose adds from the other line.
"That's great hon, I'm real proud of you," my dad remarks and I smile at him across the room. He rolls his eyes and his mustache twitches.
"Why Seattle?" Dad asks.
"Well, Rose kind of wants to be closer to her mom and sister. We're going to need their help," my brother hints and I can tell he's smiling. I can hear it in his voice.
"Help with what?" I've got a sneaking suspicion as to what he's talking about.
"Well, that's the other news. Um, we're going to have a baby," Emmett says and I scream and bounce in my seat. I'm so excited for them I can hardly sit still.
"Shit, Emmett, are you kidding me?" my dad chokes and I swear he's got tears in his eyes. I've never seen my dad cry before, not even at my mom's funeral and the sight of it causes my heart to swell. This is just what we need, some happiness to fill the void left by my mom's death. I know it's been hard on him too.
"Nope," Rose says and she might be crying too. "I'm due in November."
"So when are you guys moving?" I ask. I haven't seen them since my birthday last year. They flew out for a week, just after the Cullens left. It almost lessened the sting of having to say good bye to Edward. He called on my birthday and I called him at Christmas and then just a couple days ago when the Oklahoma City Federal Building was bombed, but I'm being very careful to make sure it doesn't feel like an obligation. We have an understanding and I can handle that just fine. Leah thinks I'm selling myself short by not making him call me but I don't think so. I don't feel rejected when I call and he can't talk. I'm not disappointed when he doesn't call me back. It's not expected and on the off chance that it does happen, it's almost like a gift. It's amazing how much more gifts are valued when they're not expected.
I've even gone out a couple of times. Leah's decided it's time for her to start dating again and she's dragged me along on every single one. She makes us double and I spend the making awkward conversation with an overeager wingman who can't keep his hands to himself. They're all so much older than me, like they have careers and 401k's and I feel like such a child compared to them. It's not that I'm holding out for Edward or anything. I meant what I said last summer, I'm going to live for today, and Edward isn't here today. But I haven't found someone that I can see myself willingly spending time with.
"Our lease is up at the end of this month and we're planning on heading out as soon as we pack up all our stuff." Rose says.
"We're moving in with Esme and Carlisle for a while, until we find our own place. They have a really big house and it's just the two of them living there. This way we can save money too. I'm not going back to work when Rose has the baby. I'm going to be a stay at home dad," Emmett says, hesitantly. Emmett's been working construction in D.C. They have really good benefits.
"That is really cool," I say and he chuckles in relief. I'm sure he's thinking my dad's going to say something about Rose wearing the pants in the household, but I think it's great my brother isn't a macho asshole. They're doing what works for their family and it might seem weird to my old fashioned dad, but who cares? Emmett will be a great father.
"Well, it only makes sense to do it this way. Rose makes way more cash than I do," Emmett says.
"But that's not why he wants to stay home," Rose interjects.
"Well, it's part of it. Also, daycare is expensive!" Emmett says.
"He wants to take care of the baby. My mom's going to help and Alice, when she's not working. Oh, my God! Did you hear? Jasper proposed. They're planning a December wedding and everyone's invited," Rose says.
"I didn't hear," I say quietly. Wow, Alice and Jasper are getting married. I'm a little shocked, to be honest. Last I talked to Alice, she wasn't even sure if she wanted to be with Jasper and now they're getting married.
"Yeah, he bought her a ring while she was there last summer and proposed as soon as she got home."
"I'll have to call and congratulate them," I say.
"Okay, kids, I have to get back to work. Good news, son. So will we see you two this summer?" Dad asks.
"We'll be there for a couple weeks. Rose can't take the whole summer off because of her new job, but we'll be there for the Fourth at least," Emmett says.
After we hang up, I walk to the store to tell Leah the news and get an ice cream, even though the waistband of my jean shorts is cutting into my hips. Ugh, I'm going to have to start buying a size up, I guess. I already had to buy a bigger bra. I don't mind the extra weight, actually because now Leah and I can share clothes. I just hate having to spend the money.
Actually, the money thing has been pretty good. We've been booked since December and my dad took out a loan so he could repave the launch ramp at the end of the season. He also put a ton of money into redoing the electrical hook-ups for RV camping spots and new lighting on the docks. Emmett suggested we see if we can get internet service on one of our computers, but this part of the desert is a dead zone. No cable television, no cellular towers, no internet. Not yet, at least.
"My brother's having a baby," I say as I burst into the store.
"Well, thanks for that mental shithole. I'll be burning the image of pregnant Emmett from my brain later, in case you can't find me."
"You know what I mean, dorkus," I smile and Leah shrugs.
"I can't say I'm surprised. Rose is what, twenty-seven, her biological clock is a tick, tick, ticking," Leah says and I frown.
"What do you mean? Twenty-seven's not old. Women can have babies in their forties now, you know," I say and Leah nods.
"Yeah, but after thirty-five you have to get this test done and they stick a needle in your belly button and shit. It's insane, like science fiction."
"What? Why? Why would they do that?" I ask mortified.
"To check for genetic diseases and stuff. As you get older, your little eggs do, too," Leah says and I purse my lips and narrow my eyes, wondering why Leah knows all this stuff about pregnancy.
"Stop looking at me like that. I saw it on Oprah, okay?" she says.
"Why were you watching tips for baby-making on Oprah?" I ask her cautiously and she looks at me for a long time, like she's fighting with herself in her head. "What? Oh my God, what aren't you telling me?"
"I'm kind of seeing someone," Leah says slowly. Her lips curl into a grin and my chin drops. "And we had sex."
"Are you trying to get pregnant?" I shout, beyond disbelief.
"No, you idiot, I'm not trying to get pregnant. But I might want to get pregnant someday," she shrugs.
"Wait a minute, you had sex? Who is this person that you maybe want to have a baby with someday?" I want to shake her because she's not giving me the information fast enough.
"He works at the bank, in Boulder City. His name is Jason Scott, but everyone calls him Jenks."
I stare at her in shock. When the hell did this happen? When did she go on a date without me?
"I went in to cash my check. He was there and he asked me if I needed anything. I told him I needed him to get the fuck away from me and he laughed. He laughed in my face, Bella. I wanted to hit him so bad." A sly smile creeps across her face and I recognize it at once. She likes him. It might even be love. I mean, shit, she wants to maybe have his baby someday.
"So you went out? When?" I ask.
"I don't know, a couple weeks ago."
"WEEKS!" I shout. "You've been keeping this a secret for weeks? Who the fuck are you?"
"Oh, get bent," Leah grins and I cross my arms in front of my chest. She thinks I'm joking, but this is so not a joke. "Are you really mad?"
"Yes, I'm mad. I can't believe you didn't tell me," I say dejected and her face softens.
"Look, I wasn't sure if it was going anywhere. I didn't want you to make a big deal out of it or anything so I kept it to myself," she says. "Besides, you're the only person I've told now. I haven't even told my mom."
"How many times have you gone out?" I ask her and she shrugs.
"I don't know, like a handful."
"How many is a handful?" I ask her, irritated and she rolls her eyes.
"Fuck, Bella, I don't know, like seven?"
I sigh. Seven! Seven dates with the same guy and then sex. Leah's not 'seeing someone.' Leah has a boyfriend. It just seems like everyone is moving up and moving on and here I am, stuck in the same old spot I've been in forever. Rose and Emmett are having a baby, Alice and Jasper are getting married, Edward's going to medical school, and now Leah's dating a potential baby's daddy. And then there's me, with my drawer of undeveloped film.
"He's just really interesting and frustrating as all hell. He's short too and completely bald but no matter how hard I try, it's like I can't insult him. He's not afraid of me and I can't tell if I like it yet. But Jesus, it makes for some pretty electrifying sex, that's for sure." Leah winks at me and I scrunch my face up. Sex is a topic I generally like to avoid and she knows it.
"Okay, that's when I get the hell out and leave you to your bald lusting," I say and she laughs as I grab a Big Otis, which are now called a Big Kahuna even though it's the same damn ice cream sandwich, and walk back to the office.
I'm in my chair, ready to bite into the chocolaty goodness when the office phone rings. My dad picks it up and looks over at me.
"Hold on a minute, kid," my dad says and then motions to me to pick up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Bella? It's Edward." His voice is muffled and raspy and he sounds like he's been crying.
"What's wrong?" I ask, panicked and he just breathes.
"It's over. I'm done."
"Done with what? What's going on?"
"I didn't get in. I wasn't accepted. They rejected me, Bella."
Edward explains how he didn't get into medical school and he's taking it pretty rough. He had a big fight with his dad about it but I'm not sure why he's so upset, he could apply again next year, but he doesn't want to wait. He's very cryptic on the phone, talking in song lyrics and mentioning his mom and it all just really freaks me out. Over the next month, he's kind of a mess. He's calls me pretty regularly and I've gotten in the habit of staying late at the office, sometimes well into the morning because that seems to be his favorite time to call. I'm pretty worried about him and the moment I see the Volvo pull onto the gravel road, I'm at their unit before they even park.
"We're getting married!" Alice screeches as she bounds out of the back seat and practically jumps into my arms. I hug her small frame as a very tired Jasper and a disheveled Edward slam their doors. God, Edward looks horrible, like he's been through the wringer. His hair is messy, tangled on top and curled along his neck, and like it hasn't been brushed in days and he practically has a beard hiding his square jaw. He's thin and pale, and I frown at the dark circles under his eyes. He just looks broken and all I want to do is put him back together.
"I know, that's awesome. I can't wait until December," I say, my eyes fixated on his and he gives me a small smile that I can barely see. He has to shave that thing on his face. I'm not going to go an entire summer without seeing his lips.
"No. We're getting married here. On the Fourth," Alice says and I look at her confused.
"But Rose said December."
"I know, but you know what I decided? I hate weddings. You know what I hate even more than weddings? Wedding dresses. Wedding Flowers. Wedding Invitations. You put the word wedding in front of something, and it instantly costs a bazillion times more. It's disgusting. So I fired my coordinator and we decided to elope!"
"Oh wow, Alice, that is very cool," I say and Edward rolls his weary eyes and makes a talking motion with his hand. I bite my lip to stop myself from smiling.
"Since this is the place we fell in love, we want to do it here. We'll get one of those Elvis impersonators to perform the ceremony on the cliffs, and then we'll dive into the water together, like we're diving into life together!" Oh my God, has everyone been watching Oprah?
"Um, that's kind of amazing," I nod and Edward is shaking with laughter behind her. "Oh! I know! You guys can tie stuff to the back of a WaveRunner and ride off into the sunset!"
"Oh my God, I'm doing that," Alice says seriously and I can't help but laugh now. "And we're having hot dogs and hamburgers and beer and wine coolers. Oh! Will you be my wedding photographer?"
"I would love nothing more that to photograph your wedding, Alice." And I mean it. I really do want to do this. The minute she asks, my head starts thinking of her white dress or swimsuit, whatever she's going to wear to this thing, against the red and browns of the hills and the bluish green of the water and I'm swimming in the multitude of images I could get. This is actually going to be quite gorgeous.
"Where are your parents?" I ask as Alice finally lets me go.
"They'll be here soon. They had to stop a bunch of times because Rose has to pee every half hour," Edward says as he finally pulls me into a hug, his scratchy chin rubs against my forehead and I don't like how thin he feels. He just feels empty, like all his insides have disappeared.
"Come on," I say, pulling him towards the store as Alice and Jasper start unloading the car. "You need sugar."
The heat forms waves on the gravel road as we walk to the store in silence and I wipe the sweat from my forehead. I look over at Edward and he watches the ground, his hands shoved in the pockets of his black cargo shorts. His eyes are flat, like the smooth surface of the lake in the early morning, before it's been disturbed by the churning of propellers and engines.
I stare at him because while he's right here next to me, he's somewhere else. I'm not paying attention to where my feet are walking and I trip, my toe catching a large rock in the road. I stumble forward and Edward grabs my hand. His fingers are tight on my wrist and I laugh because I almost fell but then I catch his eyes and there's pain there and I don't understand it.
We keep walking and he keeps my hand. His fingers inch up my arm, over my elbow, across my back, pressing into the muscles all the way up my spine until he's gently massaging the back of my neck. I melt, my whole body feeling like liquid.
"Mmm..." I say and then cross my eyes and stick out my tongue and pretend to drool. Edward laughs and gives my ponytail a gentle tug before removing his touch altogether. I don't like the distance between us. I reach out and tangle my fingers with his. He looks down at me and I see it, there, in the green. I know this sounds crazy, and maybe I'm just imagining it, but I swear I see it. A flicker. A jolt. A spark.
We sit on the swings, and Edward chuckles at my newly renamed ice cream sandwich while he slurps his rainbow sherbet Push-Up.
"Ice cream really does make everything seem better. For like two whole minutes, things are perfect," Edward says and I grin because that's exactly how I feel. We swing quietly indulging in the sweet treat and I like the way the sun soaks into the skin of my legs and shoulders. Edward sighs. The two minutes of perfection have dissolved and he's back to moping. I don't want to be insensitive, but I don't understand why this is such a distressing thing for him.
"Alright, why the sighs?" I ask, because it seems the thing a friend should do.
"You know why," Edward retorts. He's irritated and I try not to take it personally.
"Well, do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," he mumbles. I search for a subject change and I'm about to tell him about Leah's boyfriend when the flood gates open.
"I've completely fucked myself over. You realize this, don't you?" he asks, his eyes blazing as he grips the plastic chain of my swing. "I can't apply again, I'm too humiliated. What if I get rejected again? I mean, if I wasn't good enough for them now, why would I be good enough next year?"
"There's nothing you can do? You can't like, go down there and plead your case?"
"What should I say? I'm an idiot and got shit scores on the MCAT? My GPA is crap and I failed a class that my dad wrote the textbook for? Please, put your patient's lives in my very incapable hands," he says sarcastically and again I have to remember that he's not mad at me, he's just mad. It's not personal.
"Can you retake the test? Maybe if you get a better score, you'll have a better chance at getting in next year? Or you can try to get in somewhere else, somewhere not so competitive?" I try.
"I already took the test twice. I took extra classes last year to try to boost my GPA but it didn't help. I sucked at my interview too. They said I lack communication skills. I mean, I am great at communicating. God, Bella, you just don't get it!" Now I'm pissed. I'm just trying to help and he's acting like an asshole. And his communication skills are shit.
"I know, why don't you just go throw yourself in front of a train then you big fucking baby? Shit, Edward, if I didn't know any better, I might think you didn't really want to get into medical school with the way you're making excuses. And I'm not the one who rejected you, okay? So stop insulting me," I say fiercely and Edward's face crumbles.
"I know," he groans. "I'm sorry. I'm just a complete fuck up. I can't do anything right."
"Look, maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe you needed this to happen so you can go on to do something that you really love."
"There is no other option, Bella. I have to become a doctor. You don't know what I'd be walking away from if I fail at this," he says in a low voice. For the first time, I start to think that maybe there's more to this than just pride and obligation.
"Tell me. What would you be giving up? Money? Social status? A perfect little spot on your daddy's pedestal? I don't understand, Edward."
"I don't expect you too."
"Why? Am I'm too stupid to understand, or something?" I ask him, irritated as all shit.
"That's not what I meant," he groans and I feel my insides soften. God, why can't I control my snotty attitude? Here he is, feeling crappy and I'm just making it worse.
"Look, if I let you touch my boob, will it make you feel better?" I ask him and for a split second, there's shock on his face.
"It depends. Over or under your bra?" he replies, his eyes mischievous as he licks his lips and my whole body flushes when I think of his hands on me. He knows what he's doing, and I don't even care because for one minute, he's back, and he's smiling and happy.
"Silly boy, you know I'm not wearing a bra," I say as he pulls my swing to face his and slides his knee between mine.
"Yep, I can see that," he quietly hums and I can't breathe.
"I'd kiss you right now, but you have a woodland creature stuck to your face." I can't even say the words before I burst into laughter. He drops his head and pushes me away, my swing swaying in the heat and we laugh together.
...
"Don't think I forgot about the mulligan," Edward whispers in my ear as we watch a very classy Elvis impersonator deliver Alice and Jasper's wedding vows on top on the highest cliff in Australia. The sun is low on the horizon, the air tastes like dirt and orange blossoms and lilac and my lavender dress is uncomfortable and sticking to my sweaty skin. Man, I wish I could have worn my swimsuit but that just would have been tacky. I only know because Alice told me so. I know, swimsuits at a wedding are tacky, but Elvis is not. I don't understand it, either.
The last week has been insane but Edward's been too busy to be depressed. We drove into Vegas so Alice and Jasper could get a marriage license at the hall of records and we had to commandeer some fresh flowers for a couple of last minute bouquets. We also had to track down an Elvis who would be willing to drive out to Willow Cove on the Fourth of July at sunset to perform the ceremony. It's amazing what you can get Elvis to do when you throw a huge wad of cash at him.
A few of Alice and Jasper's friends from Seattle, including Mike Newton and his girlfriend, Jasper's parents, Mrs. Cullen's sister and her two kids all flew in yesterday. Jasper's parents are a trip. They're total hippies. His mom wears flowers in her hair and everything. They didn't wear swimsuits either and I guarantee they weren't expecting such extreme temperatures. Luckily, Alice told them to wear light clothing and we used a couple of Billy Black's big trucks to drive them out to the cliff so they wouldn't have to hike. Dr. Cullen rented a houseboat, in case anyone needed to use the restroom and him and my dad set up four canopies and lined the beach with tiki torches. My dad let them borrow some tables and chairs from the restaurant, and is currently down on the cove, lighting up the grill.
Rose insisted on hiking up the hill, claiming some women run miles while pregnant. You can't even tell, her belly just barely shows a little bump and she looks beautiful standing next to my brother in her deep purple slinky dress. Every so often I see my brother rest his hand on her belly and I capture the gesture on film. It just means so many things. Are you okay, hi there baby, I love you, this is my life now.
"I haven't forgotten either," I whisper back to Edward as I fill the frame now with the bride and groom.
Alice found this beautiful Ivory satin and lace slipdress to wear and her short, dark hair is naturally wavy around her face. She's not wearing much makeup, just mascara and lip gloss. I love how easy she stands beside Jasper in his linen shorts and pinstriped shirt, both of them barefoot and ready to take the plunge. I watch them from behind my camera lens, frantically snapping shots as the bright blue sky starts to catch on fire, the streaks of gold and red and purple offering a spectacular backdrop to their declarations. I get tears in my eyes when I remember how she was so afraid of Jasper seeing her without any makeup or with crusties. The memories swirl around me and Edward lets his hand rest on the small of my back, his cleanly shaven chin sometimes resting on my bare shoulder.
I capture Dr. and Mrs. Cullen, standing linked beside Alice and Jasper. Mrs. Cullen dots her eyes with her tissue as Dr. Cullen remains stoic beside her. My camera shifts to Jasper's parents enveloping each other in a tight embrace, the two of them crying and mumbling I love you's and I almost giggle. Then I think how my mom won't be there when I get married, if I get married, and I feel my chest ache. It's okay, Bella, I hear her say. Everything's going to be fine.
I catch Leah squirming out of Jenks' arms and I almost full on laugh. So does he, actually, his small eyes creased in the corners and his bald head glistening. He's so not her type and totally not what I expected she'd like in a partner, but he doesn't let her go. He holds onto her while she grumbles and I see her succumb. Her shoulders relax as he kisses her cheek and she smiles right as I capture the moment with a click. Then Leah's glaring at me and I snap the shutter again. She rolls her eyes and leans against Jenks and my heart feels so happy for her.
"Any idea as to what you want to do over yet?" Edward whispers into my ear, his mouth practically on my skin and my arms are covered with goose bumps.
This is a trick question. I want to redo everything and nothing at the same time. The first memory Edward has of me, I threw bread at him and now he's my best friend. Our first kiss was terrible but then we got to practice for a week. We almost got arrested and my dad grounded me, but then Edward snuck into my room and we got to spend all that time alone. We almost had drunken sex in Vegas, and at first I was hurt, but it would have been forever tainted by that stigma and I'd never have known if Edward wanted me or just wanted someone. I still don't know that, actually.
Then there was that summer he didn't show. The year of mass communication failure. So many mistakes were made by both of us but I don't know who I'd be if he would have showed. I learned a lot about myself that summer. I learned that Edward is indeed my weakness but I learned I can be strong without him as well.
Either way, I'd be in the same exact position I'm in now. It wouldn't have changed a thing. I'd still love Edward, and we'd still be living worlds apart. I don't think that's ever going to change.
"I don't want a do over," I say over my shoulder to him and he leans down so that my mouth is at his ear. "I just want to do." I press my lips into the soft skin of his cheek and his arms wrap around my waist as Alice and Jasper are declared Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock.
Jasper dips his bride, giving her an old fashioned swoony kiss and I quickly capture the moment with my camera and I cry because it's so absolutely perfect. I run up to the front, quickly trying to get every moment on film as Alice hands her bouquet to her sister and kisses her before taking Jasper's hand. Her face is glowing and she's hiking up her skirt and they run together, flinging themselves off the cliff and plunging into the deep glittering blue while we cheer. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed.
I look at Edward as the rest of the party files down the trail and he watches me intently with a small half smile. I smile back, because I can't help it and bring the camera to snap his portrait. His hair is dark in the twilight sky, there's no hint of the red without the sun, and the lines of his face are all angles and curves from his pointed lips to his feathery lashes.
"What exactly do you want to do?" he asks as he walks towards me and I snap his picture the whole time. He rolls his eyes and makes a grab for my camera just as I click the shutter.
"Everything," I say confidently as I turn and march down the hill, Edward's hand reaching for mine.
The party stretches late into the night. We eat burgers and drink beer and talk about old times and how Jasper and Alice met. We laugh about the time we played the Hat Game and when Jasper kissed me. Even though it was years ago, I still cringe. Sinatra and Dino echo off the walls of the cove, pouring from the speakers on the houseboat and we dance in the sand and I'm barefoot and tipsy and feeling high as a kite. I take pictures of everything and everyone and I don't want it to end. Emmett and my dad start hauling people back to the marina in the boats. I want to stay out on the water a little while longer and I persuade Emmett to ride back with the Cullens. He leaves my dad's boat for Edward and I because Alice and Jasper are going to be spending their wedding night on the houseboat.
"That was just perfect," Alice sighs as she rests her head against my shoulder. We're sitting at the tables on the cove. It's still so hot out and I'm itching for a swim.
"I can't believe you kissed Elvis," Edward says and Alice and Jasper shrug. They both kissed him. It was hilarious. I got a picture.
"I can't believe you really put together a wedding in a week," I say and Alice smiles proudly.
"That was the best decision of my life. I think we're going to backpack through Europe for our honeymoon. Shit, with the money we didn't spend on a wedding we could go on a honeymoon every summer for the next five years."
"Just as long as you stop here first," I say and Alice wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.
"Of course we will," she says and I can't breathe she's hugging me so tight.
"It's fucking hot, I'm going swimming," Alice says suddenly and, quick as lightening, she's stripped to her underwear and strapless bra, running into the water. Jasper follows her, kicking off his shorts as he runs, his shirt thrown to the ground. I look at Edward and he shrugs and stands, dropping his khakis to reveal these tight short-like undies and I can't stop staring. He steps out of his loafers and smirks as he unbuttons his shirt and I can see the faint outline of his ribs. God, he's lost like ten pounds, I bet. And I'm ten pounds heavier. Oh, the irony.
"Come on, Bella, get naked. Everyone's doing it," he jokes and I blush. It's kind of ridiculous to be self-conscious about my body in front of Edward, but I just can't help but feel insecure stripping to my undies. My one-size-larger undies, at that.
Geez, it's just Edward. Stop being such a baby and take your damn dress off.
I fumble with the zipper in the back and then Edward's fingers are there, grazing my skin and pulling the zipper down my back. I let the dress fall and Edward's hands caress my sides and, God, he feels so good on my skin. He leans in and kisses my shoulder and then my neck and I close my eyes and relish in the sweet tingles erupting throughout my body.
"Last one to the water is a rotten egg," he whispers and then he's gone and I chase him. I almost pass him too but then I fall, knocking into him from behind as we crash into the cool blue shimmering glass. The moon is full and low and looks huge out here in the vast darkness of the cove. Alice and Jasper are sucking face a little ways from us and I don't want to know what's going on below the surface so I swim away from them.
Edward follows me, his intense eyes taunting as I swim backwards. He swims a little faster, stalking me like a shark and I feel a surge of playful panic jolt through my brain. I turn and try to swim away from him but he grabs my foot and I'm afraid he's going to tickle it. I scream and try to kick him away and he laughs out into the quiet cove.
He pulls me to him and I let him. I'm breathing heavily when his hands slip over my hips and his arms wrap around my waist.
"I got you," he says cockily and I wrap my arms around his neck, letting my fingers wind into his hair.
"I let you," I respond and he laughs and I'm just so happy to see him smiling. He's been distracted by the wedding and everything that's been going on, and I'm worried about how he's going to come down from the evening's emotional high. I know it's going to hurt.
"Do I get to touch your boobs now?" he asks and I snort.
"Maybe. You did shave," I respond and run my hand across his cheek and over his chin, patting his face with my hands and he scrunches up his nose against the light taps.
"Well, I didn't want you to get rabies from any woodland creatures or anything," he says.
"Yeah, because I do not look pretty frothing at the mouth."
"You look pretty always," he says and I feel my ears burn. God, why does a compliment from this boy affect me so much? "You always look the same but different, you know? Every year, I expect you to change and every year it's always you."
He leans in and gently kisses my lips and I think of so long ago when we first kissed here, at this cove, when I told him I hated him and he cried and then kissed me and it was horrible. I think he's remembering it too because suddenly his grip on me is tight and my body is pressed against his and he's shaking.
"I don't know what to do with my life, Bella," he mumbles into my shoulder. "I just feel so hopeless. I've disappointed everyone, I've let them all down. I've let you down and I'm so sorry."
"Edward, stop it!" I say fiercely. "Stop beating yourself up over this. I'm sure it happens to a lot of people. You said it yourself, only two hundred out of four thousand applicants get accepted? That means like, ninety-five percent of the people that apply don't get in. Ninety-five percent. That's a lot of people that are sitting in your shoes right now."
"It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I had a plan, Bella and now it's all shot to shit," he mumbles and I sigh.
"Then you make a new plan," I say and Edward closes his eyes. I stretch up to kiss his eyelids and I feel his hands move over my back, his face pressing into my neck and I wish he'd stop being so overdramatic. He's acting like it's the end of the world but his frustration is exactly how I felt when my mom died, when I questioned everything and nothing made sense. It's how he feels now and I just long to take the hurt away.
He's sad and hopeless and I know he might be using me right now to make himself feel better, like I used Jacob, but I'd rather it be me than some other girl. This is my do over. I will let my walls down. I will let him win, I will surrender and he will get the very best of me. I will give myself to him, like I should have done so long ago.
I reach behind me and unlatch my bra, letting the uncomfortable underwire float away and eliminating the material between us. Edward inhales sharply as I press my chest against his, his eyes roaming my face, his arms crossed over my back and gripping my sides. I press my mouth to his and gently pull at his lips, the quiet water lapping at our naked skin.
His tongue glides along mine, his hand slipping across my chest. He moans into my mouth as he gently cups my breast, his thumb rolling over my nipple, his lips moving to my neck. Oh God, how I've missed his hands on me. He feels like no one else, like nothing else, just pure pleasure and tingles and fire and just everything that means anything is right here in my arms. I wrap my legs around his waist and he pulls away.
"Wait," he says and I roll my eyes.
"No, I'm done waiting. We're doing this," I say insistently and he smiles and kisses my nose.
"I don't have anything," he says.
"It's okay, I'm on the pill," I pull his mouth back to mine and then stop. "Wait. You don't have an STD, do you?"
"No, I do not have an STD," he responds exasperated.
"Well, shit, how am I supposed to know? You do have a torrid past," I tease but only kind of. Shit, what if he does have an STD? And then I want to punch reality in the face for fucking up the completely beautiful thing we have going on here.
"Bella, I've only had sex like five times," he says. "Hardly torrid."
"Have you been tested?" I ask, because all it takes is one.
"Actually, yes, I have. When Magic Johnson said he had HIV, I went and got tested. I haven't had sex since. Have you been tested?" Edward asks and I scoff.
"I've only had sex once and they test you for everything when you start birth control."
"Well, shit, how am I supposed to know?" he repeats my words and I frown.
"Well, now you do," I say and he smiles.
"Yep and so do you and now we can enjoy being together and not have to worry," he says as he plays with the elastic waistband of my panties. He pushes my undies off my hips and I kick them away, letting them sink to the bottom of the river.
"That sounds nice, the enjoying part," I breathe and Edward's hands graze over my behind. I'm completely bare now and his hands are everywhere, on my hips, on my stomach, my shoulders, pulling across my chest.
"You're so beautiful, Bella. Every part of you, it's just beautiful," he whispers and I feel his fingers grazing between my legs and I push my lips on his, my tongue thrusting into his mouth as I feel his fingers push into me and I whimper. Oh God, it just feels so incredible and I'm afraid I'm being too noisy because fuck, shit echoes in these canyons so I keep my mouth occupied with his as his fingers curl inside me.
I need him, all of him, and I quickly rid him of his underwear. He's hard and smooth, and I run my hands all over him, feeling every part, while he bites and sucks at my lip.
His fingers leave me and dig into my hips as I wrap my legs around his waist again. I can feel him, his hardness between my legs and I writhe and slip against him until he reaches down to better position himself, just barely pressing into me and then he stops. I pull away from his mouth and lose myself in his eyes as his hands weave through my wet hair spiraling down my back. I try to convey everything in this one look, it's okay, I want you, I love you, please. I tighten my thighs and pull him inside me, my eyes rolling back as I let him fill me up and I stop breathing for a second. I can feel the slow stretch and it burns a little but he's mostly warm and wet and quite literally taking my breath away. And then that fucking song from Top Gun is flashing through my head and I want to sing out loud but I'm afraid that would be weird so I bite my lip and focus on how amazing Edward feels. His head falls to my shoulder, his arms clutching me tighter as we move together. All I can feel is him, all I hear, all I see, all I want to sing now is his name, over and over but I can't because somewhere is this river there are two other people and that makes this all just a little bit more exciting.
It isn't long before Edward's shaking in my arms and I'm pretty sure he's coming. He's holding me so incredibly tight, I'm almost afraid I'll have bruises from his fingers digging into my back, and then it's over. He's panting into my neck and I kiss his forehead and then his eyelids and then his lips and he apologizes.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs. "You didn't..."
"No, but I did enjoy it," I say softly, my hands pulling through his wet hair.
"Well, most women don't, you know, climax from intercourse alone," he says and I laugh. "Well, it's true! Most women need some clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Vaginal orgasm is very rare."
"Okay, Doogie Howser," I tease but Edward doesn't laugh. "Oh come on, it's okay."
"It usually lasts longer, but I just haven't had sex in a long time," Edward explains and I can tell he feels embarrassed. It's not even his fault. I read in Cosmo that a woman should be in charge of her own orgasm, and trust me, my orgasm and I are well acquainted. I'm sure it would happen, if we tried again.
When we try again.
"Well, we could practice all summer, if you want."
...
Edward mopes around the marina for the rest of the summer. He doesn't want to go out on the cove or race the WaveRunners. He doesn't want to go for ski rides or play bumper tubes. We lounge in the sun on the private beach on my days off and swim when it's unbearably hot. He sneaks into my bedroom at night, just like he did when we were seventeen and it's silly but it's us. Sometimes he wants to cuddle, and he falls asleep wrapped around me. I lay there while he softly snores and think about how hard it's going to be when he leaves this year. I admit, there's a tiny part of me that thinks for a second that he might stay. If he's not going to medical school, he could stay, but I know in my heart that's not really going to happen. His life is in Seattle. It always will be, and he just doesn't know what he wants to do with it yet.
Sometimes we make love and it really is just that, love. We don't ever call it that but it's truly amazing. It's not perfect and sometimes it's downright funny. Like when Edward said he'd kiss me, you know, down there, but that my crotch looked like a woodland creature. I think I laughed for an hour. After I got over being ticked off, of course. But then he made up for it and I learned that musicians have talented tongues, too.
Sometimes we talk all night, whispering conversations under the cover of old familiar songs and I make him listen The Smashing Pumpkins. We talk about life and the universe and why ours are so confusing. We talk about our moms and most of our discussions have to do with obligations to our family. I sense there's something about his obligations that he's not telling me.
"I mean, who the hell do they think they are? Who are they to decide what I should do with my life? If I ever have kids, I'm never going to put them through something like this," he rants as he sits across from me on my bedroom floor. We're playing Mancala, and Edward's not even paying attention. I've won five times in a row.
"I know. I wouldn't want my children to grow up at the marina. I would definitely move to Vegas or Laughlin or something, even Boulder City. They need a more worldly experience, you know?" I say as I drop the crystal beads around the board.
"Growing up at the marina isn't that bad, Bella. I mean, yeah, so you're kind of naive, but you're not all obsessed with social status and money like every other person I've ever met in my life. You're just you and real. It's all my dad cares about. Getting paid, writing his books, doing his research. He's so incredibly selfish and it's just shit."
"Your dad already has money, I can't believe that's the only reason he still works so much. There has to be something else," I argue.
"My dad's a control freak, Bella. He wants me to be just like him. He didn't even know me, and he already wanted me to be just like him. My mom's just as much to blame for it as he is." Edward says and I'm confused.
"What do you mean, he didn't even know you?"
"Him and my mom wrote this thing... about how they wanted me to be a doctor," he shakes his head. "It doesn't matter, it's over. It's never gonna happen now, and my life is over."
"Your life is not over, Edward. Your mom's life, it's over. My mom's life is over. Yours is just starting. You have got to stop doing this to yourself. Listen, you are in control of your life. You're twenty-four years old. What are you afraid of?"
He stares at me for so long I think he's gone catatonic and I snap my fingers in front of his face to see if he's still aware. I expect him to think it's funny but he doesn't. He doesn't answer me either and I'm not sure what to think.
The night before he leaves he sneaks into my room and his eyes are flat and dull. He doesn't say anything, just climbs in my bed when I lift the sheets and I roll on top of him. I straddle his lap as he pushes up my tank top and pulls it over my head. My hair is loose and falls long against my shoulders and down my back and Edward runs his fingers through it and then trails his hands down my spine. This is how I've made him feel better, how we made each other feel better all summer long and I don't know how I'm going to survive without him this time.
He kisses me, deep and sensual, and he tastes like rainbow sherbet. I'm sad he had an ice cream without me. He clumsily pushes my undies off my hips and down my legs and his hands are everywhere, rubbing everywhere. I quickly strip off his shirt, kissing his chest and his neck and his chin, my lips moving haphazardly all over his body because I know I won't be able to feel him tomorrow.
His hands are greedy as they massage into my breasts. He rolls his tongue and moves his lips over the perked flesh and I close my eyes and memorize what it feels like to have his mouth on me. My hands quickly unbutton his pants and I pull them down and he's inside me and I rock against him. His hands dig into my hips and then slide up my belly and over my breasts and his intense fiery eyes are all over my body with his hands. I want to feel what he feels and I run my hands over his as they roam and I watch him. I want to see what he feels, I want to see the pleasure on his face and know I put it there. I make him feel this way, I make him lose control, let go and release. Even if it's just for this moment, even if it never happens again, I want to see how I make him feel. I want to know that I'm not alone in this, that he feels this too, this connection, the stupid fucking spark. He shows me. And I show him too.
Later, we lie bare together, our legs tangled in the sheets and he draws pictures on my back and I guess what they are. I'm terrible at it and Edward surmises it's because I have a limited imagination and I'm thinking it's because he's a sucky artist.
"What happens now?" he asks and my chest hurts.
"I don't know," I say and he kisses my back, his fingers tracing the outline of my tattoo.
"I have to go back to Seattle tomorrow," he says and he peels a bit of sunburned skin from shoulder. "I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life."
I want so badly to ask him to stay. I want to beg and plead and hold him here forever, but I know I can't. I would never ask him to give up his life in Seattle. He could end up just like my mom, regretting and resentful and dreaming of everything he gave up. No. It has to be his decision.
"I know." I turn over so I can look at his beautiful face and I run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. No obligations, no expectations."
His fingers trail across my cheek and I nuzzle into his bare chest, and he smells like sweat and sunblock and I can taste the salty tears running down my face. What if he can't come back next summer? What will happen when he gets a real job? What will happen when we have to grow up? We can't do this forever. It hurts so incredibly bad that he's going to leave, but it hurts more to know he'll never be anything more than what he is to me right now. I want more, but I can't leave and he won't stay. And I have to let him go.
I wake up in the morning and I'm still naked, the sheet draped over my body and I reach out for him and I feel nothing. My eyes fly open and he's sitting on the edge of my bed, and he's holding a set of books.
"I thought you were gone," I say as I sit up and rub my eyes, quickly removing any crusties that may have deposited overnight. I pull the sheet tight across my chest and push my hair out of my face and I don't want to look at him. It will surely rip my heart out if I have to look at him.
"Not yet." He hands me the books and there's a black and white photo of a mountain of rock on the cover. "They're photography books. This guy, Ansel Adams, he took pictures of things in nature, like you do. Mostly in California, Yosemite National Park. But I thought these might be interesting to you. You shouldn't give up on your photography. I saw Alice's pictures. They're amazing."
"I didn't even develop those. She took them to Safeway in Boulder City and had them printed," I retort.
"I know. But it's like you see something right before it happens and you never miss it. You never miss those important moments and most people do. Most people get, like, right before or right after. I don't know how but you just always know right when to push that button." I run my hands over the paperback books, The Camera, The Negative and The Print.
"Thank you," I whisper and Edward gets up to leave. He leans down and kisses my forehead and then he's gone.
...
A/N:
I have to say, this story has the most phenomenal readers ever. Thank you for all your notes and messages and tweets. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and frustrations. I appreciate every bit of them.
SubtlePen is Beta, Miztrezboo prereads and I make them send me femmeslash. You should write some for the In the Closet Anonymous Slash Contest.
Cam's judging! Details 
0 comments:
Post a Comment