A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Eight - Like the Song of a Warm, Warm Body

Darlings,

Some roof top loving for you…did you really think Edward would serve lemon ricotta crepes without some lemony goodness?

The readers of this story are special, special people. Thank you deary's for lovely reviews and for your dedication to this sometimes difficult subject matter.

amers, thanks for sending me inspiration for Charlie and your continuing support in all things psychological!

ilsuocantante, another rec? wowzers! You are something else, my dear! Thanks bb!

Beta babe n7of9-sweets, thank you for letting me use your brain when I have brain fail and for your unparalleled dedication to this story. I heart you big time! And I heart the bulge…thanks for that too.

And I have to thank my husband for all information Astronomy related. He's a wealth of useful information...

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BPOV

An onslaught of olfactory enticement pulled me from my slumber and I awoke in a sensory stupor. I was very warm, the sun beaming down on my face, making a rare appearance considering the previous night's cool rainfall. Before I even opened my eyes I inhaled the rich aromas in the air. The smell of laundry detergent tinted by summery honey, the warmth from the sunlight intensifying the fragrance and causing my head to swim with recollection. I brought the neckline of the thick sweatshirt to my face, snuggling the fabric and inhaling the aroma deep into my lungs.

Vanilla sifted through the air, the engaging scent forcing a rumble from my stomach and a pang of hunger settled on the brink of awareness. I relished in the discomfort, allowing the sense of victory to rush over me, bringing with it the power and authority of control. The faint smell of maple bacon exaggerated the hunger and the growling of the traitorous organ reminded me of the need to sate for survival. I tried to open my eyes, forcing the lids to rise in order to gain awareness, while the events of the previous night hovered between dream and reality.

Jesus Christ! That sun is fricking bright. I shifted onto my side and was hit with a wave of vertigo, dizziness causing my hands to clutch my head, the pulsing of my temples creating a rhythm of remorse as I sat up. I blinked and rubbed my swollen eyes, still heavy with exhaustion, and looked around, intent on gaining a better bearing on my surroundings.

I found myself on a large semicircle sofa, the plush and amiable textile a deep brown. My blue coat and t-shirt lay folded on the ornate circular coffee table, amongst other various items: a drinking glass, a bottle of Advil, a pile of dark cotton material. The compilation before me incited a wide smile to spread across my face and I allowed myself to bask in the reality.

Holy fuck! I had spent the night on Edward's couch. Despite the wide assortment of psychoactive enhancements I had ingested last night and the fact that I smacked my skull on the concrete, I remembered every little detail of it. I remembered waking up in his car just in time to be utterly mortified as the contents of my evening of debauchery spilled onto the side of the road. He had knotted my hair back and in recalling that moment I touched the messy bun, now sagging on my shoulder affectionately. Yeah, that was probably the most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me, an unexpectedly tender gesture from the same boy who had willfully sought out a physical altercation earlier this week. There was more to Edward than meets the eye, so much more that I just had to discover, and I was definitely invested now. I wanted to know him, needed to know every detail of his soul, to be an expert in the inner workings of his mind and heart.

I remembered our conversation from last night. It was probably the most comfortable I had ever felt in talking to someone, just being myself. There wasn't any game, no lies. He was engaging and honest, feeding me tiny morsels of information that I gobbled up greedily, just dying to fill myself with his very essence. The ebb and flow of the conversation was gentle and lulling, each gesture brimming with care and concern. The way Edward cared for his sister, getting her a blanket and pillow and making sure she was tended to, abruptly awoke in me a sentiment of admiration for this human being. That he could be so furious with her one moment and in the next push his own needs aside to take on the responsibility of caretaker sent me reeling through a crest of emotions: envy, awe, desire, need, respect, wonder. All of them crashed over my being, engulfing my awareness and absorbing my attention.

Edward may be the most magnificent creature I have ever come into contact with. He made me want to write fucking poetry, and I can't write for shit. He made me want to bare my soul, taking comfort in the shelter he would provide. I was drawn to this nurturing side of his being, the caretaker that I had never known, that I had always been. And for the first time in my life, I allowed someone to take care of me. I accepted his comfort while I puked, while I was at my weakest and most pathetic, and his help back to the car, cradled against his sculpted form and just taking in gulps and gulps of his rich scent. I accepted Dr. Cullen checking out my head, because I really do hate hospitals, and I accepted his sweatshirt because I couldn't wait to have it draped around me. I accepted his painkillers, his engaging conversation, his compliment when he said I was charming, his half-assed yet sweet attempt at explaining Charlie, his promise to never tell anyone about the alcohol induced vomit, and I allowed myself to find hope in these interactions.

And now, as I waded through the heady smells of breakfast and the hurried conversation coming from the kitchen, I knew I would not be able to walk away from this unaltered. Something big was happening here and I allowed my need for Edward to consume my mind and heart and soul, rewriting the aloof wiring I was fond of and obscuring my ever present logic. I knew there was a reason I was supposed to stay away from feelings like these but I just couldn't remember what it was. To be honest, I really didn't want to remember. I just wanted to be where he was, always, dancing beside him indefinitely.

I stretched my back, the awkward curve of the couch had caused an uncomfortable sleeping position that I was unable to shift from during the night due to the influx of inebriation. I had slept hard, comatose to the world around me, and a slow realization began to burden my new and enlightened mood. Holy shit, I hope I hadn't been dreaming, and I really hope I hadn't been talking. I know I talk in my sleep. Renee always loved to tell the story of how I had freaked out every boyfriend she'd ever let stay the night, including Phil, shouting from my room and carrying on conversations in complete unconsciousness. She learned to shut my door when she liked the guy she was fucking so my antics wouldn't send him packing. I only hoped that as I couldn't remember any dreams I hadn't had any, and therefore hadn't professed my undying love for Edward while completely unaware, or something equally embarrassing.

I stood up slowly, tripping over my shoes which I had hastily kicked off while Edward had been gathering blankets and stuff last night. I thought about putting them back on, the informality of my socks a confusing level of intimacy. What was appropriate here? I mean, I distinctly remember removing my wet shirt while Edward sat not two feet from me, and now I was worried about socks? It wasn't such a big deal, I don't wear a bra like normally developed girls do. There's no need, a camisole bra top gives plenty of lift and coverage for my nonexistent chest. But still, the intimacy of the moment may have been inappropriate, just like me waking up in his house wearing his sweatshirt, with evidence of his fingers in my hair, walking around in my socks.

Fuck, Bella, you're being an idiot! Who wastes their time thinking about this shit?

I sighed and tried to walk with confidence into the room emanating with activity. I followed the sounds of quiet voices, passing a room adorned with a beautifully set table, pitchers and plates and fresh flowers adding an ambiance of peace and relaxation.

I could hear two voices, both harmonious and musical, the wind chime tones mirroring each other in tenor and cadence. Edward and Alice were having a hushed discussion. I knew it was totally wrong of me, but I wanted to know what they were talking about, so I lingered in the hall and listened to the cryptic conversation.

Alice was speaking when I had walked up, "You like her?" Her tone was sarcastic, biting almost. She paused a moment and then asked, "You like her like how you like running or how you like cooking?"

What were they talking about? I walked closer to the room so I could hear the response.

"She's like cooking, Alice." What the hell did that mean? And I wasn't entirely sure who she was yet.

I didn't know if I really wanted to find out. I walked in just in time to hear Alice say "Then you don't like her, Edward. You…"

Alice stopped abruptly when I walked into the room. Edward's eyes flashed over to me as I took in the portrait of gloriousness before me. I burned that image into my brain. He was staring into my eyes now, his bronze waves a complete disarray and, even though I wanted to stay and drown in his sticky green collection plates, my eyes traveled the length of his body. He was still wearing the white t-shirt and jeans from last night, his feet bare, and I noticed his abnormally attractive toes sticking out from beneath the hem. This little bit of skin had me reacting all aflutter and I was almost embarrassed by what just the sight of this boy's naked feet did to me.

And then there was the context in which this beautiful being was standing before me. Edward was wearing a black apron, the strap looping around his neck and the sides tying around his waist. Goddamn lucky apron! He was waiting for my reaction and I just had to grin at his fucking sexy as hell domestic nonchalance. What kind of guy puts my hair in a bun and then cooks breakfast in an apron? A fucking apron! I must have had the I want to fuck your brotherexpression plastered all over my telling face because Alice quickly hopped down from the countertop and rushed over to me.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew my brother?" she whispered into my ear, her face very close to mine.

"I wasn't quite sure he was actually your brother," I responded, slightly ashamed of my dishonesty. It wasn't quite a lie but it wasn't quite the truth either.

"Come on." Alice pulled my arm, dragging me away from Mr. Fuckhot Apron, culinary God. I glanced back over my shoulder as Alice forced me upstairs, reveling in the swiftness and care he put into the assembly of the meal. "Come on up to my kitchen, I'll show you my best recipes."

He turned then and yelled over his shoulder for Alice to get their uncle and aunt for breakfast.

"And stop eye fucking him, it's grossing me out," Alice said, smiling over her shoulder at me. My mouth dropped open in shock, mortified at my transparency.

"I was not eye fucking him…" I muttered indignantly as she chuckled under her breath.

She walked down the hallway to a wide set of open double doors, knocked, and walked in. I stayed in the hall, looking at the pictures hanging on the walls. Most of them were beautiful works of art, some recognizable like The Lady of Shalot and Water Lilies, and some were obscure pieces by unknown and underappreciated artists, but the one that caught my eye was a photograph. I immediately recognized Dr. Cullen as a young man, probably in his twenties. He was standing with another recognizable face, arms around shoulders. I had never seen this man before, but I knew him, the shocking bronze hair and green eyes vivid in the muted spectrum of the aged photo, his face bare, a lack of conviction and empty of emotion or life. He looked like a shell of a human, flat in the photograph, sharply contrasted by Dr. Cullen's dimensional features.

Alice must have entered her aunt and uncle's room because when she reemerged Dr. Cullen and who I could only assume was his wife were behind her. The woman was soft and curvy, her dark hair hanging in large curls at her shoulders. She looked carefree and easy and the tenderness just poured from her, affection and care in every movement of her body. They smiled warmly at me and I couldn't help but return the gesture.

"Good morning, Bella. How are you feeling today?" Dr. Cullen walked over and looked into my eyes, checking my pupils I assumed, trying to assess my condition.

"I feel fine. Just a little headache but I took some Advil so I'll be okay," I responded, trying to pry the attention away from my injury. "Thank you so much, by the way." I was hoping like hell he wouldn't tell Charlie about the weed and shit. I could probably get away with telling my dad I just spent the night with Alice, but he might shoot me if I mentioned drugs. This, I knew, was a festering wound left courtesy of Renee and her ever spanning affiliation with Mary Jane. I knew this much because Renee has a big mouth.

"Any time, Bella." Carlisle motioned to the dark haired woman. "This is my wife, Esme." Esme moved to embrace me, squeezing me tightly, a true hug, not one of those weak-assed artificial pats on the back. Instantly I liked this about her, not afraid to show her feelings, because for someone like me who lives in a constant cocoon of hidden emotion, this was very admirable.

"It's so nice to meet you Bella," Esme said, taking my hand and squeezing it in emphasis before dropping it. "Hurry down for breakfast, Edward made crepes and they are his specialty."

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Cullen," I responded.

"Ugh, don't call me that. It makes me sound like an old lady. Call me Esme, please." She patted my shoulder and turned to walk down the stairs, Carlisle following her.

Alice was already in her room pulling various items from her drawers. She handed me one of her gauzy shirts, a rich blue embroidered with little red and yellow flowers scattered around the neckline. Reluctant to remove the sanctuary of sweatshirt but not wanting to seem psychotically attached to a piece of clothing, I shed the sweatshirt, handed it to Alice and replaced it with the more feminine blouse. Alice handed me a brush and I struggled to unknot the bun still holding my hair from my face, hesitant to disintegrate the reminder of Edward's hands in my hair. I was still struggling with the snarl of tangles when I looked up to find Alice eyeballing me cautiously.

"What?" I asked, even though I knew what she was thinking. It had been the foremost thought swimming around in my brain since that boy picked me up out of that puddle yesterday.

"Do you have a thing for my brother?" she asked, squinting her emerald feathery eyes at me. She tilted her head to the side, awaiting my response.

"A thing? Define thing," I countered, mirroring her facial expression. I was going to make her spell this out, partly because I wanted clarification as well. What did this look like to her?

"Okay, here's the deal, Bella. My brother doesn't really like…people. It's not in his…character to just carry some random girl home and then spend the whole night taking care of her and then make her fucking crepes. I mean, do you know how long it takes to make crepes? It's a total pain in the ass. And he did all that shit. For you. It seems he may have a thing." She looked down now, his sweatshirt in her hands. "So, what I want to know is…do you?"

"Did he tell you to ask me this?" I asked her, questioning her curiosity.

"Shit no. If he knew I was even talking to you about him he'd freak." Alice took the brush from my hand and yanked it through my messy locks, smoothing the hair into a tight ponytail.

"Well?" she asked again, her hands on her hips.

"Well…yeah…I may be in possession of said thing for your brother." I smiled at this admission like a fucking giddy-ass fifth grader who had a crush on a silly boy.

"I cannot believe I didn't see this coming." Alice shook her head in shame, disappointment thick in her dainty face. She sighed and eyed me again. I recognized that quizzical look and almost laughed because I knew a question was on the horizon.

"Bella, are you really a vegetarian?"

My smile stuttered slightly because this was not the fucking question I was expecting. Shit, I didn't know what to say to her. Yeah, I don't eat meat, but this was not what she was asking. And she knew that this was not what she was asking.

Maybe I could use the whole vegetarian label as a metaphor of sorts, a code word for what I am. Maybe if I used the right amount of inflection or tone Alice would just get it and spare me the embarrassment and discomfort of having to come clean.

"Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. I stay away from food, that is, meat. I just can't eat, it." I was trying to make her guess, using pauses to accentuate the meaning behind the words.

Alice was quiet for a long time and I honestly thought she was going to call me on this. But she just sat there, her sad eyes questioning and curious.

I sighed, frustrated with myself that I couldn't just be fucking honest with her. "Come on, breakfast is waiting," I said, pulling her from her conclusions.

Edward was waiting with two large plates filled with crepes, syrup and powdered sugar coating the paper thin fruit-filled cakes. He handed us each a plate, his eyes fixed on the space of skin now exposed by Alice's blouse, and I ached for that sweatshirt or one of my t-shirts to cover up the sallow skin, taught over my exposed skeletal frame. Fuck, I must look disgusting.

I followed Alice into the dining room and settled into a chair next to her, glancing down at my plate. Shit, this is a lot of food. I had gotten pretty good at disguising my inability to eat, but there was nowhere to hide now. Panic swelled in my gut, literally causing physical torture as the realization became painfully obvious. I was going to have to fucking eat. And then I was going to have to puke it up.

Edward entered the room carrying his own plate and missing his black apron. He took a seat across from me as I cut away a small piece of the outside of one of the crepes. The red juice of the berry mixture swirled in the syrup causing sugary patterns to form on my plate. I brought the bite to my lips, slightly smelling the lemony mixture of cheese and fruit. It was a unique aroma, the light cheese and citrus with sweet sugar glazing unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I lightly nibbled a small piece of the bite on my fork, looking up to find Edward staring meticulously at my eating habits. His face was strained, fatigue and worry creasing his eyes and forehead.

Edward's concern sent another gush of terror coursing through my veins, but for a very different reason this time. Alice's words rang in my mind as I stared into Edward's jaded eyes, "I mean, do you know how long it takes to make crepes? It's a total pain in the ass. And he did all that shit. For you. It seems he may have a thing."

Edward had done all this for me. It was difficult to fathom, I wasn't really willing to accept that someone would put such care and time into nourishing me. I mean, I was a total fuck up, a self destructive fool who didn't deserve this offering of endearment. If I didn't eat he was going to think I didn't want it and, in turn, didn't want him.

I couldn't destroy him like that. I quickly placed the forkful into my mouth and was hit with a glorious array of flavors. Holy Christ, the savory tastes swirling around my tongue now overwhelmed my senses, causing the ever present nausea to seep back into my peripherals. I slowed my chewing and took a large drink of water from my glass, allowing the cool liquid to flush the berry and vanilla essence from my palette. I looked up again, those green eyes draining, and gave Edward a smile.

"I made eggs if you'd rather have that. And bacon," he said, his voice quiet and disillusioned. I panicked at the harm I had caused evident in his voice.

"No!" I blurted out, shaking my head and feeling spastic. I tried to calm my voice. "This is amazing. I'm just not really a breakfast person, takes me some time to get going in the morning, you know?" Excuse number one hundred and seventeen; just not an insert meal that I'm trying to avoid here person.

Dr. Cullen spoke, bringing my awareness back to the table, "When you're finished, Bella, I can drive you home. I'm sure Charlie wants to make sure you're okay. You did inform him of what happened, didn't you?"

Shit, I was going to have to lie again. Just as I was about to speak, Edward rescued me.

"I can do it. I'll take her home," he said, and I was grateful for the diversion. I was pretty much living on an eternal plane of gratefulness where Edward was concerned.

And then he asked me for permission. "Can I take you home?" It was such a simple question, nothing really, yet the power of his offering of choice, asking me instead of declaring as he had done with Dr. Cullen, displayed a vulnerability and insecurity that just made me want to melt into his lap, comforting him and running my fingers through his ruffled hair.

"Okay," I said, grinning this time and taking a large bite of this meal. He was offering a bit of himself with this plate and I owed him this much at least. The taste again was overwhelming but this time I relished in it, pushing aside the weakness bumbling in my belly and just proving to Edward that I appreciated this, wanted this, and in doing so proving to Edward that I wanted him. I didn't stop until the plate was empty, the gnawing hunger from this morning grinning stupidly from indulgence.

I sat there a moment, my guilt beginning to spread and I was suppressing it, cramming that feeling back down, but it was no use, my body's automatic responses rejected any form of care and nourishment that I offered it. I felt the expanding of my abdomen, the crepes taking up far more space than I thought was possible in my small stomach. I had to get out of this room. I excused myself to the restroom and walked swiftly through the door of the guest bathroom, locking it behind me. I ran the sink, causing the sound of rushing water to mask the noisy vomiting that was sure to occur now. I leaned over the sink and hesitated.

How can I do this? Edward made that breakfast for me, like, especially for me. Now I was going to purge this offering of concern and adoration, willingly throw it away. Tears stung my eyes as I realized that I could never be worthy enough for Edward and everything he embodied. He deserved a good person, someone who would be able to bask in his reverence and accept his love willingly. I could never do that. I am a toxin, a poison, a vile liquid of destruction and remorse, the vicious cycle making it impossible for me to ever find some peace in this world, because the greatest manifestation of peace I had ever known was now probably doing dishes or cleaning the kitchen or some shit, his ever reaching role of caretaker fulfilled in his every decision, and I couldn't even fight back the convulsion to purge for him. "I'm selfish and I'm sad."

With this admission the guilt struggled back, rumbling to the surface, scolding me for accepting the sustenance when I knew I didn't deserve it. I sobbed harder now, tears streaming down my face because I knew what I needed to do, and it was the biggest blunder, allowing that perfect meal to be flushed down the toilet, a waste, sacrilege.

I curled over the white bowl and shoved my fingers into my mouth, feeling the familiar gag cause an automatic response in my bowels, but nothing came up. I tried again, spitting saliva that was now collecting in my mouth. Still nothing, hysteria present at the thought of the heavy food sitting like a rock in my stomach. It had to come up. Once again, I initiated the gag reflex and this time the fruit and cheese mixture came rushing forth, spilling into the toilet and splashing vomit toilet water on my face. I spat again, pathetic and disgusted with myself and just fucking sobbing all over the place. Struggling to get it together, I pulled myself from the floor and used the hand towel to wipe my face. I rinsed my mouth with water from the tap and attempted to straighten out my appearance before I walked out that door.

When I decided I looked halfway presentable, I pulled a peppermint from my pocket and popped it into my mouth. I opened the bathroom door to find a pair of large-lashed green eyes staring at me accusingly. Alice.

She spoke, "What are doing, Bella?"

My initial response was denial, "What do you mean, I had to pee."

She sighed, "I know what you are." Like I was a fucking alien or something.

"Oh really, what am I then, Alice?" I asked. "Say it, just fucking say it." I wanted to hear it voiced, confirmed. Bulimic, Anorexic, idiot, dumbshit, screwed. So many things that she could say, how would she pick just one? I waited for her to make her assumption.

"You're sick, Bella." Alice's sad voice melted my sardonic exterior. "You're impossibly skinny and I've only known you a week and I've seen you puke at least four times now." She grabbed my hand. "Carlisle can help you. It would be totally confidential and secret. We don't even have to tell your dad. Please, Bella? Let us help you?"

Alice's pleading caused the pain to erupt again, a slow rumbling in my stomach, swelling and taking up any vacant space.

"Maybe, Alice. Let me try to do this on my own. I really want to be able to do this on my own," I answered her, taking my hand from her grasp.

"On your own obviously isn't working, Bella." Alice was irritated now, her tone biting and sarcastic.

"I'm fine. I've got this under control, don't worry about me okay? Please, it's not worth your worry." Now I was the one pleading.

"Of course you're worth the worry! What the hell is wrong with you?" Alice didn't really want an answer. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Alice, just mind your own business. I know what I'm doing," I spat back, her rhetorical question still hanging in the air.

"Look, I will help you if you want me to. But if you're intent on destroying yourself, please, don't take my brother down with you." Alice turned and walked away, leaving me stewing in my shame.

In a daze, I went about gathering my belongings. I sat in the living room, on a chaise near the front door, ready and waiting to leave. My mind was numb and I forced it into silence. I didn't want to think anymore, didn't want to be anymore. I was wishing like hell I had some of those little brown pills to make this easier but I didn't think I could go about asking for them now with Alice in the know. I just focused on the carpet, this tiny red thread in the beige field, "Nothing lasts for long".

"Are you ready to go?" The harmonious voice startled me, breaking my concentration. Edward was standing before me.

I nodded, following him out the front door and taking the passenger seat. We rode in silence, each lost in our own mulling. I inhaled deeply, the lingering scent of bacon and vanilla mixed with soap reminding me of my father, causing the numb fog to lift slightly. I glanced at Edward, trying to find the words for what I wanted to say.

"Thank you for breakfast, Edward." It was a start.

"It's a hobby of mine, cooking. It's just something I kind of like to do," he responded. I had an inkling this was more than a hobby.

I just stared at my hands, empty and blank, trying to find a way to make this right, when Edward suddenly started gasping and struggling to breathe. Holy shit what was going on?

He forced a word from his haggard gasps, "Bella!" His voice was raw and primitive, deep in intonation and lacking that musicality that normally adorned his voice. It was strange and troublesome, and like a flood, concern and worry rushed over the numbness.

"What?" I practically shouted. I reached out to touch his arm, hoping to ease his tension, and the buzzing of energy that I felt radiating through my fingertips had me wishing I could press every inch of my skin to his so I could feel this shock of life throughout my entire body. The pulse shook me from my haze and I was finally able to focus. "Input, Output, Electricity."

Edward eased at my touch and was able to pull the car to the side of the road. He brought his hands to his face and quiet tears leaked from the corner of his eyelids, trailing into his fingers and washing over his exceptional face. My heart ached for him, it just fucking broke, a tiny fissure that I wanted to mend with his soul, bring him into me and stitch it up with his selfless esteem and care.

"Edward? What's wrong? Hey, look at me. Look at me!" I was fully aware now, taking control of the situation, using this opportunity to return last night's favor. I gripped his arm now, trying to shock him out of his ragged breathing.

He turned toward me, his broken tear-stained face gazing into mine. "Bella?" he whispered, "I'm just having a hard time…staying away from you."

"No one told you to stay away from me, Edward." I slipped my hand into his, trailing my fingers down his arm. "See? You don't have to stay away." Our hands formed a unit, a tangle of fingers, fused together in a palmer's kiss.

"Thank you Edward. For everything, for last night, for this morning, for this…right now." I turned to face him, ready to give myself to him, to feel that electricity pulse through my lips. I leaned in to catch his enticing scent, the clean freshness caught in my chest. I exhaled into his neck, parting my lips, ready to touch them to the skin of his neck, when he gasped, stopping me in my tracks.

He leaned away, "We'd better get you home now," he said quietly, and pulled the car onto the highway.

I felt like an idiot. I had totally put myself out there and he just fucking knocked me down and I was fucking pissed. What the hell?

Edward pulled the car into the driveway of Charlie's house and I could hardly wait to get out. I paused, ready to defend myself and my actions.

"I don't know what kind of fucked up mind games you people play here, but you can't just do that to somebody. You can't fucking "save" me and then talk to me all night and cook that phenomenal breakfast and then fucking hold my hand and almost kiss me and then… You just can't, it's not decent. It's shit, Edward! This whole thing, it's shit!" I slammed the door, satisfied with my display and hoping like hell I didn't slip on the way up to the front door.

I practically ran to the front door trying to find my fucking keys before I got to it. Shit! I tried the door but it was locked and I had to take a deep breath to calm my mind before I returned to my bag.

"Bella, you forgot one thing." I heard his voice and I turned to tell him to fuck off when his body collided with mine, his lips forceful and crushing as we connected. His hand slid down my back grabbing Alice's shirt and I felt a wave of lust spread from my swelling lungs down, down through my thighs, making my legs quiver with longing as he pulled me closer to him. I slid my fingers up his neck and into his bronze waves, twisting the curls gently while longing caused my other hand to crawl to his chest, the firm and sculpted flesh beneath my hand causing me to clutch the fabric in desperation. I could feel the scabbed wound on his lip and I wanted to taste it, the coppery substance a small piece of him I could ingest. I licked the wound, causing Edward to pull away. At first I was worried he was offended at this but then he engulfed my mouth, licking my bottom lip and pressing his tongue into my own. The ferociousness fading, lips and tongues, tasting and licking and swirling and just soaking him in, his mouth and hot breath curling around my own and I swear, my kneecaps fucking disappeared. "When I think of your kisses, my mind seesaws…"

I was out of air and needed to breathe so I pulled away from his mouth and he was reluctant to let me go. Then I remembered his words as he approached and I wasn't sure what he had meant.

"What?" he asked.

"Exactly. What did I forget?" What was he talking about? Did I leave something in his car?

He rolled his eyes, "This!" he said motioning to our embrace. Oh. Yeah, I'm an idiot.

"And this." He kissed me gently this time, slow and sensual, and then again, and again.

I lost myself in these gentle kisses, so much so that I wasn't aware of Charlie standing in the doorway.

"Get in the goddamn house, Bella." I startled, almost pissed my pants when I heard that deep, booming voice.

I pulled away from Edward, turning to face my father. I was shocked beyond belief. What the hell? Why was he out of bed? And why did he all of a sudden give a shit?

Edward stepped forward, "Good morning, Chief Swan." He moved to shake Charlie's hand but Charlie just turned and walked slowly back into the house. I turned to face Edward, defeat now on his face. He sighed and wrapped his long arms around my waist and pulled me into a remorseful hug. He pressed his lips against mine one last time and then kissed the tip of my nose. "I'll see you later, Bella. Call us if you need anything." I inhaled his scent one more time, greedy to keep it with me, and nodded. He let me go and I walked into the house, leaving him on the porch.

I prepared myself for the battle. I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves, still foggy from the most memorable kiss ever. There would be time for reminiscing later. Now, I was ready to deal with Charlie.

I walked from the foyer to the small living room. Charlie was seated on the couch, the afghan crumpled in a pile beside him.

"Where have you been?" Charlie's voice was grave and quiet, a cop first and foremost, questioning. I wondered if this was the good or the bad cop I was seeing now.

"I stayed the night with Alice Cullen. That was her brother, Edward. I believe you know them," I responded sarcastically. I was looking for a fight, dying for it, desperately needing answers from this man.

Charlie took in my tone, surveyed the situation, and opted to ignore my antagonistic attitude. So this must be the good cop. "Why didn't you call me?"

"Well, frankly, Dad, I didn't really think you'd give a shit," I answered honestly, spitting the words as they formed in my head. "I mean, it's not like you've been very involved in my life thus far, so I guess I figured one more night of anonymity wouldn't hurt."

Charlie recoiled, his hand moving to his chest. I panicked momentarily, worried that I'd somehow hurt him with my rash explanation. Then I remembered it was Charlie and nothing I did could hurt him, his cool indifference his greatest ally.

I continued because Charlie had opened the floodgates the moment he had opened the front door. "Why the fuck do you care now anyway?"

"Isabella, you will not use that language in this house, do you hear me?" Charlie morphed into bad cop practically before my eyes. But I didn't care. Really, what was the worst he could do?

"I'll use whatever the fuck language I want. You are not allowed to tell me what to do. You think you can parent me now? I'm almost a fucking adult, Daddy." I said that last word with as much venom as I could muster, wanting him to feel the brunt of his decision years ago, of his decision to not give a shit until now.

Charlie was subdued, again not the reaction I was expecting from him. I wanted him to yell back at me, berate me, tell me I was selfish and disrespectful for staying out all night then making out with a hot guy on the front porch, say anything that showed he cared even a little. Anything he could give me I would accept, anger, hate, guilt, shame, disappointment, I would take all of these in opposition to the indifference. The indifference made me void, canceled out my entire existence, giving validation to his decision to keep me out of his life. I could only imagine the conclusions he must have came to when he opened that door. It didn't look good, in the very least. He should have been pissed, ready to lock me in my room.

But he just sat there, taking my abuse, a broken man riddled with defeat.

"You're right, Bella," he said, shocking the hell out of me. "You're right. You are almost an adult. And I know I haven't been…" He was choking on the words, struggling to finish the thought. "But this is still my house and I still expect you to give me the same respect you would give any other adult."

I snorted. I understood and even agreed with his point. I did not agree with the context though. Respect was something to be earned and Charlie had done nothing to earn my respect yet.

"Well, Charlie, when you act like an adult instead of moping around here like a two-year-old, then I'll treat you like one." I waited for his response. Even I thought this comment was out of line. I thought he'd freak out for sure.

He just sighed, exhaustion evident in his withered eyes. He rubbed his face with his massive hands. "Just tell me next time you're going to be out all night doing…well, doing whatever the hell it is you're going to be doing."

"Are we done here?" I asked, fuming, his lack of emotion maddening. He didn't try to put me on restriction or forbid me from seeing Edward. He didn't even take away the truck, which was still parked in front of Mike Newton's house. He didn't offer one consequence for my behavior.

"Yeah, we're done," he stated. I turned on my heel and stormed up the stairs, slamming the door to my room. I collapsed on my bed, reveling in how I had experienced the full swing of the pendulum today, the highest of the high and the lowest of the low all wrapped up in one fucking day. I found my mp3 player, digging through my bag and tossing my t-shirt and jacket in the corner. In the comfort of a good friend and exhausted from the last twenty-four hours, images of Edward clad in a black apron and white t-shirt and barefoot in his kitchen flooded behind my eyelids as I drifted. "Do you want to take a chance on finding some sweet romance?"

…

EPOV

I should have been fucking exhausted but the high from kissing Bella was keeping me awake. I didn't remember driving home, my subconscious taking over and guiding me in the right direction, allowing my foot to hit the brake and gas accordingly, pulling the vehicle into my driveway and walking my tired ass into the house. Emmett was awake now and consuming a huge-ass plate of leftover crepes. I noticed he also had a huge empty mixing bowl, the milk residue left on the bottom indicating that crepes were second breakfast to cereal.

The moment I walked into the kitchen Emmett was harassing me. "Dude! What the fuck? You totally bailed on us and we had to get a ride home with Seth from the wrestling team. Rose is so fucking pissed at you." He was shaking his head, chuckling to himself.

"I kind of had more important things to attend to than Rose and her high-maintenance bullshit, okay" I responded. Exhaustion was beginning to settle over me and my limbs were becoming difficult to control.

"Oh, I heard all about it, dude." Emmett was grinning like a motherfucker now, a knowing smile making me want to punch him right in his fucking stupid-ass dimples. This is why I hate it when Emmett's right. He's not a gracious winner. "Did I not call it? I knew you'd be all up on that ass! Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta."

"I'm hardly, all up on that ass, as you so eloquently put it," I responded, defending myself. That's not what this is about, the ass. Sure, the ass was a definite benefit that hopefully I would get to enjoy at some point, but this was so much more than attraction.

"You will be, you will be, my young padawan," Emmett said in his best Yoda voice, which was pretty fucking horrible, especially between huge mouthfuls of berries and crepes. "I can teach you some moves, dude, if you need some help."

"You just keep your moves to yourself. No one needs to be subjected to that torture, except maybe Rosalie." I laughed, heading up the stairs to my room. My whole body was aching now, sleep calling to me, and in the time it took me to walk up two flights of stairs I suffered from naplash, like, three times.

When I finally got to my room, I didn't even bother to remove my shoes but I did notice the sweatshirt Bella had slept in last night wadded up on my bed. I pulled the fabric over my head, her sweet scent still stuck in the fabric, and holding the sweatshirt to my face I drifted into a deep sleep.

…

Bella lay on her side on a flannel sheet, her dark wavy hair falling around her face, tendrils forming swirls on the terrain beneath her. The smell of grass in the sun, rich and earthy, dirt and lavender, the sweet familiar scent blossoming and spiraling around our bodies. Her brown velvet pools brimmed with pupil, enlarged and dark, the glow of the sunlight causing her pale skin to shine white as diamonds as I grasped her outstretched hand, an offering, a lifeboat pulling me into her embrace as I wept, tears streaming from my eyes, dampening the blanket that lay on the earth.

I curled into her, my face against her soft breast, her heart beating in my head, her chest heaving and lulling me into serenity and peace, molding my body to fit, convex against conclave, a union of pieces forming a solid whole entity. I felt my whole being come alive as my body fused with hers, opposites blending together to become a whole new shade never before gracing the universe. Pulled under, breathing erratically, drowning in deep satisfaction and ecstasy, our souls tumbled and twisted until our spirits escaped the confines of flesh, drifting upward, circling each other in an indefinite orbit.

She was still now, completely silent, and I pulled away from the warmth to gaze at her remarkable face. A small seeping of blood trailed from her mouth, smearing across her cheek. Perplexed, I reached up to inspect the wound and noticed a smear of red where my hand had been on her chest. A gaping blood stained gash between her breasts, Bella refused to move, her lifeless eyes charcoal black and thick with death. Her body hung limp in my arms now, her blood on my hands, and I brought her mouth to mine, sucking and drinking in the thick, sticky liquid oozing from her lips…

…

I awoke to a black room, sweating and panting, feeling like I'd just run a fucking marathon or something, my heart pounding in my ribcage, my head pulsating with the images from a fucking nightmare that had me fighting off waves of nausea. The images flashed through my mind, Bella limp and lifeless in my arms, stilled, paused, burning in recollection, the taste and scent of her blood just rotting in my memory. I turned on the light and looked at my clean hands, inspecting them for traces of red. I was convinced by my fingernails which upon closer inspection were clean of any blood. Then I felt like a freak for actually inspecting my fingernails for blood from a dream.

I had to see Bella, make sure she was okay. That dream had been so fucking real, the smell of the earth, her warm body aligned with mine, and before I had even made up my mind I was moving out the door and down the stairs. I didn't run this time, the pain in my side still pronounced, but drove my car to her house, speeding along the streets, sometimes running a red light or stop sign when the intersection was vacant. The clock on the dashboard said only 9:23pm. I had been asleep for a little under ten hours, probably dreaming about fucked-up shit like drinking blood from dead Bella all day long. The imagery made itself known again and another wave of panic caused my foot to press more firmly on the accelerator of the Volvo.

I parked on the street. Just like the first time I was here, I didn't know how to go about getting her attention. There's no way I was going to knock on the door, not after this morning. I wasn't going to be able to climb onto her roof this time, so I picked up a tiny rock instead. I was going to have to do this the old fashioned way and fire a battery of tiny pebbles at her bedroom window until she noticed and either came down or invited me up. I chucked the pebble at her softly lit window. It hit with a plink, bouncing off the pane and landing on the roof. I waited. Nothing. Shit!

I searched for another small rock and threw it a little harder this time at her window and waited. I was still staring at the window when the front door opened.

"Edward?" Bella was standing in the doorway, her slim silhouette illuminated by a dull light from the living room. I walked over to the front door and taking her wrist in my hand, pulled her into my chest, engulfing her petite stature and feeling every inch of her electricity pulsating against me. Leaning down to press my nose into the indentation below her jaw, I inhaled her scent, just like I had wanted to do to her that first day in Biology.

She was still wearing a ponytail and I brought my hands to her face, trailing my fingers down her scalp and pulling the rubber band slowly down the length of her hair, allowing it to fall free around her shoulders. I pulled my fingers through the strands, massaging the nape of her neck and slightly pulling the hair away from the scalp. She closed her eyes, allowing her head to move with my hands, and I watched her relax into my fingers.

With my hands on the back of her neck I brought her lips to mine, pressing into the plump pink flesh, lightly sucking on her bottom lip and then pressing into it with my teeth. She inhaled sharply, causing a wave of desire to guide my actions, and I slid my tongue out to touch hers, sending out a few quick licks before truly entering her mouth and relishing in the flavor. Bella tasted amazing, like peppermint, the fresh coolness invading my senses now, a hint of sweetness on my taste buds. She pulled away slowly, placing a few lingering kisses on my lips before speaking.

"What are you doing here?" Bella folded her arms across her chest, wrapping the old flannel shirt around her shoulders and concealing her tight little black tank top.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I just wanted to see you." Unable to control the impulse to touch her, I brushed the now loose hair from her shoulders and face.

"Do you want to come inside?" she asked shyly, looking at her feet.

"Is that really a good idea? Won't Charlie be pissed?" I didn't think Charlie would like the idea of his daughter entertaining a male visitor, especially after the debacle this morning.

"Doesn't matter. He's passed out in his room having Percocet-induced dreams. He'll never know." Bella unfolded her arms and took my hand. "Come on, I'll show you my room." She pulled me into the house. Little did she know I'd already seen her room, but the idea had a whole new connotation now that I was invited. I followed her into the house, closing the door behind me. She pulled me up the stairs and I couldn't help but watch her hips sway back and forth in her thin sweatpants as she negotiated the steps. Her hair was falling in waves down her back and I had to fight the compulsion to reach out and stroke it.

Still holding my hand, energy humming around us, she led me to her small bedroom. Again, I was familiar with this room and had to feign novelty as she walked into the space. Her bed was littered with various paperbacks, the books covering the purple bedspread and offering an indication as to what Bella had been doing all day.

I sat on her bed as she dropped my hand. She stood in the middle of the room, gazing at me intently. Under her scrutiny I suddenly felt awkward. What did she think I was expecting by coming here tonight?

Trying to avoid my own thoughts, I picked up one of the books from the bed. I flipped through it, not really reading but just thankful for the distraction. Bella came to sit by me. "It really is a horrible story. The two characters do everything in their power to destroy each other, and even in death, they can't be apart." I'd read this book. It really was a tragic story.

"Like a binary star system," I said, recalling an article I had read on the internet a while back.

Bella tilted her head questioning my analogy. "What's that?" she asked, taking the book from my hands.

"Well, a binary star system is a solar system that has two stars," I began.

"Oh, like on Star Wars? On Tattooine, right? Where Luke lived?" Yes, and by the way I love you.

"Yeah, two stars, two suns, right! Anyway, in a binary star system, one star is usually dying and the other star is healthy. The dying star is running out of fuel and begins to collapse upon itself, becoming ever more dense. This smaller dead star feeds off the living star, literally pulling the fuel into its own ultra dense core until nothing is left to be burned and you're left with a black hole. In this book, the two characters are constantly trying to suck the life out of each other, and all that's left at the end of this book is a black hole, a place in space that nothing can escape, not even their children." Bella was staring at me incredulously now.

"And that's it then? They just die, these binary stars?" Bella asked, scooting to face me.

"Well, there are binary star systems that are healthy. Two stars formed in the same place in space and therefore have the same elemental makeup. They orbit indefinitely, their mass holding them together while the speed of the universe tries to rip them apart. Generally, they die at the same time." Bella was fascinated, leaning in towards me now and intently gazing into my eyes.

I had a flash of a brilliant idea, something that I do often at home and just had a feeling Bella would love.

"Do you want to look at the stars?" It had been a sunny day and the usual fog and cloud cover never arrived until the early hours of the morning. Bella nodded a quick yes and I stood up and grabbed the comforter off the bed, startling her. She finally stood up when she noticed what I was trying to do.

Bella spoke first. "What, like now?" she asked me, grabbing her shoes and putting them on.

"Yup," I said, opening her window and climbing out onto the ledge. I held my hand out for her to take.

"Edward, this is a really bad idea," she said, thinking of how much higher than that brick wall this was, I'd wager.

"Oh, come one, Bella. Don't you trust me?" I winked at her and reluctantly she let me pull her onto the landing outside of her window. She shivered a bit as she stepped into the cool evening air, but I wrapped the comforter around her shoulders and eased her onto the space of roof directly next to her bedroom window. "See? You're perfectly safe."

Bella laid back onto the roof, opening the comforter and beckoning for me to lay with her. I nuzzled into her side and she wrapped the comforter around the both of us. I could feel her heart beating within the cocoon she had created for us and I placed a tiny kiss on her temple, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer.

"Edward, I'm…I don't know…shit. I don't even know what this is, you know? Between us. What is it? What are we doing here?" Bella wanted a label.

"I don't know either, Bella," I said truthfully. "All I know is that if you are anywhere close to where I am, I have to be near you. Like, if I'm not there with you, I'm missing out on something fucking magical, you know? I can't explain it…" I tried to convey meaning by sliding my hand down to her hip, that same hip I gazed upon in lust that time when I came to watch her sleep, and I just wanted to fucking own that hip.

Bella must have understood, because she turned on her side then and looked into my eyes. Covetous and brimming, her lips slightly parted and her teeth came out to meet them.

"Edward, I've never.." She took a deep breath. "I'm still a… you know, v-word."

"What, virgin?" She nodded, ashamed.

"Hey, well, that's just one more thing we have in common," I said, wanting to ease her discomfort.

Bella looked up and smiled a big-ass goofy grin. "Well, that's unexpected," she said.

I just shrugged my shoulders and turned into her. "See, we're the same. Binary stars and shit, formed from the same elements."

Bella nodded, her breathing becoming whispered on my face as I pulled her lips to mine, forcing every plane of her tiny being to make contact with mine. I tasted her tongue, the fleshy muscle working in synchronization with mine, just fucking licking and tasting and pulsing right to my dick. Holy fuck, this girl could kiss.

I felt her hands move to my chest, her lips pulling away from mine and she began peppering kisses down my neck to my collarbone, her hands clutching the material and pulling it away, continuing to kiss and lick beneath where the sweatshirt had been.

It felt so fucking good, her mouth on my skin, lingering in the spark that our touching elicited. I wanted to return the favor, make her feel what I was feeling, so I brought her mouth to mine again. More forcefully this time, I plunged my tongue into her mouth, intertwining and swirling. I let my hands wander to her hips and I pulled her on top of me, rolling onto my back, and I was sure by her gasp that she could feel my very obvious hard-on through the material of my jeans.

This was a sight to see, the wide sky spanning the distance in various gradients of dark, littered with millions of stars, only interrupted by a heart-shaped face framed by wild and sprawling tendrils. And then there were her eyes, lustful, her lids laying heavy across her pupils. She licked her lips again and I reached up to pull her to me, kissing her neck and along her jaw, little nibbles causing her to rock on my dick as she straddled my lap.

My hands wandered her sides, rubbing across her stomach just below her breasts. I wanted to touch her everywhere but didn't know what would be appropriate a for late night, fucking cold, put you on the spot make out session. I just kept licking, kissing her neck, her ear, her lips and rubbing the material of her tank top into that poor spot directly under her breasts.

Our breathing heavy now, I heard her say, "Just fucking do it Edward," causing me to pause in my adornment of affection.

"What did you say?" I asked her. I had to be mistaken.

"I said just do it. You can feel me up, it's okay. I know you want to, your hands have been like right there for, like, the last twenty minutes. It's fucking torture!" She was matter of fact and to the point. She wanted me to grope the shit out of her.

I'm not one to complain, so I dove back into this girl, my lips on her neck again, nipping at her jaw, my hand slowly traveling up her side to palm her breast. She wasn't wearing a bra again and the material of her thin tank top allowed me to feel her already hard nipple precisely. At this contact she rocked again, forcing her weight against my dick and causing the most painfully splendid friction. I moaned into her neck and found her lips once again. I sucked her mouth into mine, enveloping her lips in a wave of heat and electricity, and I slid my fingers into the neckline of her tank. I pulled the neckline down to expose her breasts and leaned back to look at her in this position.

Fucking amazing, the vision of this girl, straddling my lap, her hands clutching and groping the troublesome sweatshirt I was wearing, her full lips swollen with lust and her hair a wicked tangle of waves just flying out every which way, some falling against the milky white skin of her shoulders and halfway hiding the small rosy nipples and the flesh of her dainty breasts. I brushed the hair back allowing my fingers to graze the buds before grasping both of her breasts forcefully, causing her head to fall slightly back and to the side in pleasure.

She let out a throaty moan and I had to have more. The pressure was building in my dick and I wanted her to get me off, but I didn't think it polite to just come right out and ask, so I focused on her instead. I continued to thrust my hand across her chest, rolling her nipple between my fingers and gently tugging on the hardened piece of flesh. I licked her neck and ear lobe and she moved with more ferocity now, rocking her hips back and forth, rubbing her pussy against my hard dick, which was just fucking pulsating now, desperate in the pursuit of that cosmic climax. I let my hands grasp her hips tightly, offering my assistance in providing that friction, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, snaking her hands into my hair and grasping the strands tightly, breathing heavily into my mouth.

Fuck, I wanted to see her come so bad. Just then Bella pulled my face into her chest and I licked her nipple, sending her head rolling back and letting a low curse slip from her lips. She pressed my face harder into her chest and I sucked the flesh into my mouth, flicking with my tongue, causing her hips to increase in speed. And then, as she pulled my head back to stick her tongue in my mouth, I fucking came in my pants, fucking white lights and spots and dizziness. I probably looked like a complete moron, but fuck, like hell if I was going to try to hold back from something like that.

I pulled her down onto my lap hard, just grinding into her as my dick twitched with bliss. And in that moment, she must have had her own white lights and spots and dizziness because she convulsed, arching her back and clutching the back of my neck, her nails digging into the skin. It was so fucking amazing I wanted to cry. But because I had already cried once today in front of this girl I restrained, instead placing tiny kisses all over Bella's shoulders and neck as she came down from her orgasm induced high. I readjusted her tank top and looked at her liquid eyes. She was beaming something fierce, just happy as fucking sin. I loved that I had made her feel this way, that I could offer somebody something more than pain or resistance. I kissed the tip of her nose and she shifted off of my lap, curling into my side, her little face burrowing into my chest. Bella Swan was my elemental match, formed in the same region of space, and I was intent on pulling her into my orbit indefinitely.
...

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A/N

Okay, how was that? Was that good for you? It's my first so be gentle…

Joni songs referenced:

River

All I Want

Judgment of the Moon and Stars

Raised on Robbery

Chinese Café/Unchained Melody

Electricity

And yes, I'm a Star Wars fan...and apparently so are E & B!

Review my dears!