A Constant in The Darkness

Chapter Nine - And the Sparks Started Flying

Darlings,

We're taking shit back to the old school, well, because I'm an old fool...

You guys are brilliant! There is such a kinship amongst these readers, I feel like we're all just hanging out in a swanky bar, drinking and smoking and just enjoying the shit out of good conversation! Maybe it's because we have virtual drinks at Rehab...I don't know but I thank you for that my dears!

and beta phenom and my favorite fucking dag, n7of9, my most exquisite conversationalist...thank you for inspiration beyond belief...you're LJ page alone is necessary in the composing of lemons, adorned with robporn and just fricking beautiful man! (I'm giggling at my ellipses and sponging!)

And all you lovelies that voted for this little diddy in the Indie Twifics...AMAZING! I'm stunned because this story has made it to the final round of voting! It's nominated in the category Best Use of Music as Inspiration WIP...If you're loving the Joni, vote for it bbs! (Link is on my profile page)

All Bella this time...


BPOV

How did I get here? How is this even happening? A week ago I was packing my entire life into a suitcase and boarding a plane, broken and sad and completely alone.

I peeked up, tilting my head back so I could fully see. Yep, he was still here and yep, he was still Edward fucking Cullen, all green-eyed, gorgeous and tangled up in my legs and arms on my small bed.

We'd stayed on the roof until the hostile haze of Forks coated us in a fine mist, dampening the comforter and causing me to shiver, despite being wrapped in that warm, warm body. I had suggested we move inside when my fingers went numb and I couldn't feel Edward's skin anymore. I had hidden my hands under the warmth of his sweatshirt, dragging my fingers up and down his sides trying to find a ticklish spot, all to no avail. We had talked about music and movies, pop culture shit that doesn't really matter but stuff people are intent to define themselves by. I had learned that he had an eclectic mix of musical mantras ranging from classic rock to more modern alternative, and occasionally dabbling in the world of lyrical hip hop. I explained my obsession with all things Joni and was surprised to learn he was familiar with my most cherished poetic genius. We talked about politics and social tribulations, agreeing on most issues and sparring on others, debating the disruptions plaguing the future of our society. I reveled in his ability to concisely and logically express his opinion, almost swaying my conviction at one point…almost. He talked about the stars, constellations and nebulas, just fucking blowing my mind with the shit he had bottled up in that beautiful brain of his.

Then there was the, well, what would I call that mystical display of sexual energy that we experienced on the roof? I mean, oh my fucking God! I had been felt up once or twice in my life and I had been pretty sure I'd almost had an orgasm those times, but I had been sorely, sorely mistaken. I had never been truly groped before tonight. The way Edward's hands touched my body was a unique, ethereal experience. The electric impulse still radiated in my body, his presence lingering and leaving me craving that shock again. And his mouth, holy sweet Jesus, his mouth! When he licked my nipple, I swear I thought I was going to pass out. The fact that he even paid any attention to my chest left me in awe. The care and attention that he took, rubbing and kissing and licking, made me feel…and I know it sounds ridiculously cheesy, but he made me feel womanly. My body is so not sexy, flat and static, a most unfeminine figure, and I never really thought I could be sexually attractive to a guy. There is nothing about me that is womanly, I mean, I didn't even have a period anymore for Christ's sake. Knowing his touch and how it had affected me and knowing it affected him, knowing he found me desirable despite all my feminine shortcomings, offered me a chance to bask in confidence and sexuality, something I had never experienced before. All because he fucking groped me. "And I feel like I'm just being born…"

Then there was the grinding and blinding, his entire being a conduit of encouragement, guiding my body in the search for gratification. I wanted to feel every inch of him against me, I wanted to show him exactly how he made me feel, and I just wanted to fucking shred that barrier of material between us. I was afraid that would scare him and I really didn't want the sensation swelling between my legs to go away, even for the seconds it would have taken for clothing removal, so I just pressed and rocked against him, feeling him quiver beneath me as he dug his fingers into my hips, and moaned in satisfaction until I couldn't see anymore and my toes and fingers were tingling and dizziness consumed me. It was better than any high I'd ever had, greater than any satisfaction I'd ever gotten from purging or abstaining from food. It was a truly life altering experience knowing that I could cause this reaction in a person, that a person could satiate this need in me, nourish me in a whole new way and feed my very soul with carnal delicacies. I instantly ached for more than the appetizer we had shared last night.

It was now three forty-three in the morning and the residual sleep debt from the previous night was beginning to weigh on my eyelids. Edward was stroking my hair gently, twisting and curling the strands around his fingers, a lullaby of listless lucidity causing chills of relaxation and euphoria to spread across my scalp and down my neck. His damp sweatshirt now tossed on my floor, I traced the pronounced veins of his arm over the long, sinewy, developed muscles, pressing gently on his pulse points and pausing only to place tiny kisses on his skin. He was going to have to leave soon, before Charlie woke up and before his family would notice his absence, but I selfishly remained silent in an attempt to keep him here with me.

Edward softly grasped my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing my palm and wrist. He sighed and shifted underneath me and I knew the end was near, so I snuggled my face deeper into his chest, reaching to wrap my arms around him in desperation, his aroma enriching the air around me and actually causing my mouth to water with desire. Holy fuck, I have got it bad!

He chuckled softly at my futile attempt and gently slid off the bed, pulling me halfway up with him.

"Carlisle's going to be up soon," he stated, shoving his hands in his pockets after smoothing his hair a couple of times. I sat up on the bed and crossed my legs beneath me, a pathetic portrait of indignation as I fought to restrain my psychotic urges of clingification.

"I know," I said, pouting and stifling a yawn. I didn't know how to say goodbye and every particle in my body was screaming in protest. Edward must have sensed my reluctance because honestly, I really wasn't trying to hide it. He walked over to me and pulled up me from the bed, gently folding me against his body, moving my hair from my neck and whispering in my ear.

"I don't want to go, Bella." His hot breath in my ear and on my neck had me envisioning his lips and tongue. He let his lips press into the space below my ear and then continued the soft adornments down my neck, removing his hands from my waist and bringing them up to run his thumbs from my collarbones to my shoulders. He continued to graze the skin of my neck and shoulders with his lips, slightly parting them and applying a small amount of suction and quite literally making my legs shake and tingle. His hands moved back to my neck, his fingers taking long strokes, massaging the back of my shoulders and up into my hair and the back of my head, as he gazed into my eyes. My breathing accelerated and I was practically panting, that tormenting ache coiling between my hips, the energy spiraling deep in my core. Shit, if my body was reacting this way to just his hands in my hair and his lips on my neck, I couldn't wait to feel his hands in other, lower, more sensitive areas. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to let him leave now.

Edward placed a small, innocent kiss on my forehead before dropping his hands from my hair and turning to leave the room. What the hell is he doing?

"Edward? What the hell do you think you are doing?" I said in annoyance. He turned, a little bewildered by my tone.

"I'm going home. Carlisle will be pissed if he wakes up and I'm not there." Edward's brow was heavy, confusion evident in his expression.

I felt like a total idiot, acting all obsessive and crazy. What the hell is wrong with you, Bella? Of course he had to go home. My mind was trying to be rational but my chest clenched at the thought of him leaving me.

I tried to salvage any shred of dignity I could muster. "Well, you didn't say goodbye," I said, trying not to expose the pitiful tears that were welling beneath my lids. I was mainly embarrassed that I'd nearly made such an ass out of myself, but a small part of the tears were in tribute to the loss of his company. I tried to tell myself it was just because I was tired, which was kind of true, or because of my argument with Charlie, which was also kind of true. In reality a small part of me was petrified that if Edward left he wouldn't ever come back and all of this, the roof, the kisses, the stars, all of it would just disappear.

Edward smiled, his lips forming a slanted crevice and his eyes creased in amusement. He walked back over to me, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips, placing a lingering kiss on the back of it in a very gentlemanly gesture.

"I know," he said, not offering any reasoning. Well, that was a shit answer. I just waited, pulling my hand from his and placing both hands on my hips, the universal sign for explain now please.

He smiled again, his eyes fixated on my hands as he took them from my hips. He looked up, dazzling green bombarding right through me. "Bella, I just… can't say goodbye to you. Don't make me do it, okay? I'm just going to go home and pretend that I'm still with you, like maybe you're just in the other room or something. And when I think of something funny I want to tell you or if I need to see your pretty little face, I'll just find you. Is that okay?"

I could only nod a quick yes, my voice apparently having vacated the building.

"Okay. We have an understanding. No goodbyes allowed." Edward wrapped his arms around my waist and burrowing his face into my shoulder, reassurance evident in his body language. He wanted me to know he was being honest and sincere. He turned his head and kissed my neck, lingering to take a breath, and then released me as he turned and walked out the door.

I thought about following him down the stairs and to the front door but I decided that was something you would do if you were saying goodbye, and I wasn't, because he had asked me not to. After I heard the front door open and close gently, I rushed to my window and watched Edward walk to his car. He glanced up at my room, smiling and shaking his head, and I had to smile too because despite my best efforts, I was in, one hundred percent in. Self preservation didn't stand a chance against soul mates.

…

I awoke way too early on Sunday morning, my head pounding from the lack of sleep, and I was just fucking freezing. My comforter lay on the floor, damp and discarded, a shell of a reminder of what had transpired last night. I rubbed my eyes, yawning and causing them to water, my neck and back stiff from dreamless and motionless sleep. I looked for further evidence that Edward was indeed in my room last night and that we had indeed blurred that careful line between friends and lovers. I scanned the floor looking for something tangible. Shit, my room was a mess. I was going to need to spend some time tidying up this barrage of belongings, maybe even finally unpacking my suitcase, before I even thought about inviting Edward back up to my room.

I walked into the hall intent on using the restroom and could hear a familiar voice downstairs. I stopped at the top of the stairs to listen for confirmation. Eavesdropping was a skill I was quickly becoming well acquainted with.

"I'm glad to see you're up and moving around, Charlie. Stagnation is the quickest way to delay recovery. Are you sleeping upstairs or down here?" Dr. Cullen was either on or by the couch, I think. His voice was full of concern and caution, questioning Charlie but trying not to pry.

"I had been sleeping upstairs but I think I'm gonna post up here on the couch from now on. In case I have any more visitors." Charlie's words were thick with implication and I wasn't sure which visitors he was referring to. I waited for Dr. Cullen to respond, just eager as all hell to hear even the tiniest hint of what might have been discussed in the Cullen household.

"That would be fine, better even. You shouldn't be using the stairs continuously for at least 6 weeks. Going up and down once in a while is okay, but you need to stay either up or down." Dr. Cullen was all business and I scoffed at his reluctance to spill. I heard the medical equipment being shifted around and thought I recognized the scribbling of pen on paper.

"So, how have you been doing with that list I gave you?" Dr. Cullen asked casually.

I could hear Charlie shifting on the soft couch, the springs groaning beneath his weight. "I'm doing just find with my list."

Dr. Cullen sighed slightly, "I see you got dressed today, that's a great start. Have you started making any lures? That used to be a hobby of yours, right?"

"Hmph! I don't even have the stuff I need to make a decent lure." Charlie was pouting, I could almost visualize his massive arms crossed over his paunchy chest in defiance.

"Have you talked to Bella? Maybe she can help you with this. It could be something you could do together." Dr. Cullen was grasping here. Fat chance doc!

Charlie was silent for an awkward amount of time, Dr. Cullen just sitting and waiting for his response. During the quiet I spread out on the floor, laying on my stomach on the landing, pressing my cheek into the cool wood floor and just begging for them to say anything.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Charlie spoke. "Bella doesn't want anything to do with me, Carlisle. And can you blame her really?"

The admission stung with contradiction, the underlying inference not yet alluded to. What did Charlie think was the reasoning behind my little emotional outburst yesterday? I thought I had been pretty clear in my words, using just the right amount of profanities for emphasis.

To my extreme surprise Dr. Cullen answered Charlie's rhetorical question, "No, Charlie, I can't blame her. She's probably going through a tough thing here. It's hard to be a teenager in a new place with a father she barely knows. Now, I'm not going to pretend that I know anything about this situation, but I do know that children need their parents, even when they think they don't, even when they tell you they don't. Even as they're spitting in your face, ignorant of every sacrifice that you've made with their well-being in mind, children still need their parents. Be a parent, Charlie."

Charlie didn't respond right away, probably debating whether or not to address the confrontation. It dawned on me that Charlie was a walking paradox, the way he shied away from conflict, yet spent his professional career in a world of interrogation and turmoil.

Speaking in a low voice, Charlie finally responded, "We had an argument, Carlisle, and I couldn't deal with her like that. The way she fired back at me, the fury glowing in those eyes, just reminded me of a different pair of brown eyes, a different time, a different dark haired girl. But it was disappointment all the same."

My breath caught in my chest, reproach consuming my previous irritation. He was equating me with my mother. Disgust burned in my face, my eyes welling with tears, because that woman was everything that annoyed the shit out of me. She was self-serving and weak, choosing to fulfill her own needs before anyone else's. Nobody came before Renee, not even me. She was the worst possible role model for a girl, the ultimate personification of passive aggressive superficiality and the fucking queen of guilt trips - and I was apparently just like her. No wonder he wouldn't fight back. In his relationship with my mother he was invariably resigned to defeat. Why should it be any different with me?

"I understand that would be difficult Charlie, but it's time to put that torch out. It's time to focus on your daughter rather than your ex-wife. I think that mending this relationship will be very beneficial to your recovery," Dr. Cullen offered.

Charlie sighed, a deep breath exhaling so loudly I could hear him from the top of the stairs. "I think she may be seeing your nephew, Edward. Did you know about this?"

Oh, fuck. I prayed to God that Dr. Cullen was cool and wouldn't spill about the debauched condition he had found me in.

Dr. Cullen chuckled, "I had some inclination. I mean, he made her crepes. He hardly ever makes crepes. How do you know they're seeing each other?"

"I caught them in a compromising position on the porch yesterday when he brought her home." Charlie spat the words maliciously. Shit, this was so fucking embarrassing, the two of them discussing my love life like a couple of gossipy old women.

"Hmmm. Well, what do you think about this partnership?" Dr. Cullen was playing the mediator.

"I don't like it. I don't like that she's been here a week and already she's got boys bringing her home after staying out all night. She's only seventeen and I don't want to see her plucked off the vine. I don't want to see her make the same mistakes as her mother." He paused, apparently relieved from the freedom of the verbal purge.

Plucked off the vine? What was I, a fucking squash?

Charlie continued, his thoughts flowing without interruption. "I don't like it that he had the nerve to kiss her on my front porch without even taking her on a proper date. Well, I'm assuming that of course, because Bella sure as shit wouldn't tell me something like that, but if he's going to kiss my daughter he should at least have to decency to stop in and shake my hand first.

"And I just don't know about that boy, Carlisle. It seems to me he likes trouble, he's not your average kid. There's something off about him, isn't there? I know he's your nephew, but he's been through a lot and people don't go through something like that without dealing with some trauma." I guessed Charlie was talking about the death of Edward's parents.

Dr. Cullen cleared his throat, "Charlie, this is where I have to intervene, because while I can appreciate your concerns, I cannot let you go on with these pretences about my nephew."

I was practically crawling down the stairs now, my curiosity overwhelming my need for stealth.

"Edward has been dealt a hard hand, Charlie. He's had to endure things you yourself have probably only read about in police reports. And still, he remains a constant source of comfort for our family, nourishing our needs over his and cultivating strength and goodness in his every action. I'm not denying that his past has left a scar, but he's healing too Charlie. It's just that, I've seen a change in him the last couple of days, a good change. I'm thinking Bella might have had something to do with that. I think they might be good for each other." Dr. Cullen shifted in his seat, the coil springs singing under his shifting weight.

Charlie exhaled a noisy breath again, clearing his throat slightly. "Well, I'll be expecting Edward to be making some proper advances concerning this…relationship." He voiced the word like a derogatory term and I could practically see his lips pursing at the bitterness. "Like taking her on a proper date, somewhere nice…and he should get her flowers."

This last command caused the tears dancing on the verge of expulsion to spill over the brim, streams of salty remorse trailing across my face as I lay with my cheek pressed to the floor, running down to the tip of my nose, puddling under my cheek and seeping into my hair. I had never heard Charlie speak of me with such…concern, like he really fucking gave a damn. I didn't know why he wasn't able to look at me or talk to me, but his concern over this boy was the tiny inclination that I needed to hear. Maybe I wasn't invisible to Charlie after all. Maybe he even liked me a little. Maybe.

I'm sure they continued to discuss this fucking shithole of a situation we were in, but I didn't want to hear anything else, the fear of Charlie's rejection once again dissipating the hope that now filled my head and motivating me to move away from my meddlesome monitoring of their conversation.

I went into the bathroom and shut the door with an obvious slam so they would know I was awake. I stood at the sink, allowing the water from the faucet to get warm before I splashed my face and washed away any trace of the compunctious crying. I quickly brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my raveled hair, the snarls and knots proving a pain in the ass, so much so that I eventually gave up and tied the twisted mess up into a bun. Ugh, I needed a shower badly, the night's um…residue, still lingering in my clothing, but I was eager to see if Charlie would talk to me today. We hadn't spoken since yesterday, after my tirade I had locked myself in my room with my books, immersing myself in imaginary lands and languages, but now I wanted to set things right.

I bumbled my way down the stairs, giving the direct impression that I was approaching, hoping they would get the hint and shut up about all the relationship shit. I peeked into the living room as I approached the first floor and, finding it empty, I walked into the kitchen. Dr. Cullen and Charlie were seated at the kitchen table drinking tea and discussing the latest trade rumor for some various sports team. They both looked up at me when I entered the room.

"Good morning," I said, trying not to let the fact that I had been snooping in on their conversation show in my conduct.

Charlie cleared his throat, "Um…good morning Bella." Well, we had to start somewhere. I got a glass from the cupboard and filled it with some water from the tap.

"Nice to see you again, Bella," Dr. Cullen addressed me, paranoia creeping into my carriage. Please don't let him mention the alcohol-induced concussion…

"Hi Dr. Cullen," I mumbled, taking a drink of my water.

"Please, call me Carlisle. We're all acquainted here, right?" He sipped his hot tea and I understood the lurking connotation of his remark. Hopefully this meant he wasn't going to rat me out.

"Okay, Carlisle," I said, taking another drink of my water before emptying the cup and placing it in the sink.

"So, um, Carlisle, how's Charlie's recovery coming? I mean, is there anything I can do to help?" It was a small offering, my interest and concern, but I was hoping it would be one that Charlie would appreciate. I mean, I was going out on a fucking limb here, the rejection of my pastina from the other night still a fresh wound to my ego.

Charlie paused mid-sip and darted his eyes to mine for the briefest moment, faltering in his apathetic façade for just an instant, an instant that strengthened my eagerness to show regard for his healing.

"Well, how do you feel Charlie? Do you feel like your recovery is going well?" Carlisle put Charlie on the spot and it was obvious Charlie did not like this.

"Hmph, sure, I guess." The return of the one word answers.

"O-kay," I said sarcastically. I was getting pretty sick of these stupid games. I care, I don't care, maybe I care a little bit…it was ridiculously absurd that a grown man felt the need to play hard-to-get with his fucking kid.

Charlie and Carlisle both looked up at me then, surprised by my tone.

"What?" I asked, ready to defend myself. "This is insane. I can't get a straight answer out of either of you. Will someone just tell me what to do to help? Maybe I'll do something right for a change if I don't have to guess at what is expected of me." I almost said the f-word like five times but refrained. I didn't want to be a trash mouth in front of Carlisle.

Carlisle opened his mouth to speak but the phone cut him off. Neither one of them acted like they were going to answer it so I picked up the receiver, feeling a tad out of place answering Charlie's phone.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver.

"Bella?" A familiar soprano voice emanated from the handset.

"Alice? Hey, what's up?" I asked, confusion plain in my tone.

"Hey! So, how are you?" Alice was being polite, our last conversation probably still fresh in her memory. She had actually been really great about it, despite the way the conversation had ended. She could have made me confess everything to her, she could have pushed and pried until I eventually gave in and spilled it all, but she didn't, and I loved her for recognizing that I needed to come to terms with this…illness on my own. Any help right now would be futile because I was not in a place where I could just give it up. I didn't know how to be without it. I didn't know if I could be without it, my body sometimes reacting without my consent. I had some shit to work out, for sure, but I couldn't do it under pressure and I wasn't ready to do it with an audience.

"I'm…conflicted." I wanted to be honest and I didn't think there was an adjective out there to sum up the horde of emotions I had been through in the last twenty-four hours. Conflicted would have to suffice.

"Ah, yes. That makes perfect sense. I can see how a person in your position would be conflicted today." I could almost hear her smirking over the phone. "So, are you in love with my brother yet or what?"

"Jesus, Alice, I've only known him a week." I blushed at the thought of her brother and love in the same sentence. Those were some pretty heavy words right there, a weight I wasn't ready or even capable of carrying yet. I glanced over my shoulder at Carlisle and Charlie who were silent now, obviously listening to my conversation. I turned so that my back was to them so I could more efficiently muffle my voice. "Why, what did he say?" I added pathetically.

"Nothing, Bella!" Alice laughed into the receiver. "The attraction was just so horribly obvious."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm an open book," I retorted, cynicism tainting the all too true words.

Alice continued to giggle, and I smiled a little too.

"Okay, I had a reason for calling, I promise," Alice said in between breaths. "Um, this is going to sound weird, but when's your birthday?"

"Why?" I asked, suspiciously.

Alice sighed into the phone, "Just tell me, it's for research."

"Um, okay, September 13th," I told her.

"A Virgo, huh? That's interesting…what time?" Alice continued.

"What do you mean, what time?" What the hell was Alice talking about? I was starting to worry about what little Miss Cullen had up her sleeve.

"What time were you born?" Alice asked, exasperated. How the hell was I supposed to know that's what she meant?

"Shit, I don't know Alice." I wasn't about to call Renee. I really wasn't in the mood for storytelling and there's no way I could tell her about what was going on here in Forks.

"Well, ask Charlie," Alice pressed. I glanced over my shoulder again. Charlie and Carlisle looked perplexed and I almost laughed at their matching expressions. I seriously doubted Charlie would know what time I was born.

"Um, I don't think that's going to work." I was hoping she'd take the hint and drop it.

Of course, Alice didn't drop it. "Why won't that work? Let me talk to him, I'll ask if you're too chicken," she said.

"Alice, just drop it okay? This really isn't a good time," I said in a hurried whisper, hoping my audience wouldn't get suspicious. It was difficult to hide my tone though, and the next time I glanced over my shoulder Carlisle was giving me questioning expression.

"Bella, is there a problem with Alice?" Carlisle was concerned.

"Hold on Alice," I said, pulling the phone from my ear. "No, Alice just wants to know what time I was born for some inane reason she won't divulge, but I don't know and she won't let it go."

"5:49 in the morning." Charlie was staring into his cup of tea. My head whipped around to look at him, utter shock apparent in my expression.

"It was a Tuesday. I know because I was working dispatch when I got the call from your mom." Charlie turned his gaze to the kitchen window and glared at the pane.

It took me a moment to remember that Alice was still on the phone. I put the receiver to my ear. "5:49 in the morning Alice."

"Bella, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Alice's questioning faded as I watched Charlie watching the window.

"Yeah. I'm good, Alice," I said, still dumbfounded that Charlie had remembered those details for so long. "Um, I have to go. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Okay, I gotcha. Is Carlisle still there?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, do you want to talk to him?" I responded, focusing on Carlisle now.

"Yeah, let me talk to him," Alice said. I handed Carlisle the receiver and glanced again at Charlie who refused to meet my eyes.

I left the kitchen to retreat to my bedroom, deciding that conflicted was a very appropriate word for how I was feeling today. I was so confused. Why would Charlie act so awful but then worry about me staying out late and kissing a boy? Why would Charlie ignore my existence but then suggest that Edward get me flowers and take me on a real date? Why would Charlie forget about me for seven years, but remembered the time I was born? Charlie was rich in contradiction, full of unsolved puzzles which fostered perplexing conclusions.

I began to clean up my room, gathering the dirty clothes and creating a pile of filth in the otherwise tidy space. As I was pulling clothes from beneath my bed I noticed Edward's sweatshirt, still folded from this morning. I instantly brought it to my face, sucking in the summery scent greedily. I pulled the sweatshirt over my head. Yeah, I needed to wash it, the smell of slight mildew and mist coating the material, but it reminded me of Edward's lips on my neck and his fingers in my hair. I shivered as the ghost of his touch grazed over my skin, giving me goosebumps.

I heard the familiar cry of a strained vehicle barreling down the street. What the hell? I quickly moved to the window just in time to see my truck pulling into the driveway. Edward got out of the driver side door as I heard the front door slam, and a moment later Carlisle walked out to meet him but Edward ran past him and up to the front door, I was assuming, and then back down to Carlisle's black Mercedes on the street.

Edward looked up at my window then, his taunting lips curled in a grin, and got into the passenger seat of the big black car. Carlisle took the driver's seat and the Mercedes pulled away from the curb and headed down the street.

Well, this just added to my horribly conflicted mood. I mean, it was incredibly sweet of him to bring me my truck, not to mention extremely convenient considering I really had no other way of getting it, but my ego throbbed at the fact that he didn't even come in to at least say hi or maybe kiss or touch me a little.

I just sighed, trying to silence that obsessive crazy person lurking just beneath the surface, dying to pick up the phone and call Edward, but it had only been, like, eight hours since I had seen him. I could survive a whole day without him, right? Stifling the urge, I continued to clean my room, showered, did laundry, read my books, intent on busying my mind and trying not to think of school tomorrow. I didn't know what to expect, what Edward would want to disclose about our relationship or if he wanted to disclose anything at all. It was the worst form of torture, going over every possible scenario in my head and determining my course of action for each of them. It was awful, the anticipation seeping into my every thought as I lay down that night to sleep, eager for the morning and the answers it would bring. I just hoped they were the answers I could live with.

…

As I drove through the misty fog to school I gave myself a little pep talk, reminding myself that Edward Cullen was not the center of the universe and that I would be perfectly fine with him pretending that nothing had happened this weekend. It was all lies of course, completely false statements my sense of self preservation had conjured up in an attempt to function normally. It took me a ridiculously long time to get ready this morning, I had showered, shaving my legs meticulously, then debated my attire and which hair style would be most appealing, as if any of this really had any bearing on anything. I mean, I don't think anyone had ever been denied soul mate status based upon what they were wearing. This thought helped me decide on some black pants and one of the t-shirts at my disposal. I kept my hair down though, just in case my most desirable scenario played out and Edward would want to run his long fingers through it again.

I had grabbed an apple and my coat on my way out the door, intent on not embarrassing myself with antics of the unconscious nature because I was calorie deprived. I ate the apple slowly, my body quickly absorbing the nutritional necessity and causing a slight discomfort in my gut, but nothing that I couldn't live with.

I scanned the parking lot as I pulled into the school, the silver Volvo already in place. Shit! I took a couple of deep breaths, nervous as all hell and practically hyperventilating. Get a grip, Bella! Pull yourself together!

I parked the truck a few spaces from Edward's car and killed the engine. I put my head on the steering wheel, trying to compose my nerves. Maybe the apple was a bad idea, my stomach was churning with apprehension. I was trying to settle my nerves when a loud rap on my window caused me to jump.

Shit! I rolled down the window. Jasper was leaning against the side of my truck, dapper in his vintage threads and chewing a toothpick, effectively displaying his carefully articulated retro persona.

"Shit, Jasper! What the hell? You scared the crap out of me!" Jasper leaned into my truck, placing his folded arms on the windowless door.

"Sorry doll, I'm in a bit of a rush. Occupational hazard, you dig?" Jasper grinned at me, his toothpick pushed to one side, and raised his eyebrows. A small baggie containing thirty or so brown pills dropped from his clenched hand to his fingers, his hand hanging low inside the window. In all the excess of activity I had found myself immersed in this weekend, I had totally forgotten about asking Jasper for pills.

"Oh!" I was surprised. I really hadn't expected him to come through, especially now that Alice was so well informed. "Cool. Um, what's the cost?" I asked, taking the bag from his fingers. My monetary situation was quickly becoming a dilemma. I mean, I had never had tons of cash at my disposal, but I had never really gone without. With Charlie, I just didn't feel comfortable taking his money, it being just another method of nourishment I was intent on denying.

"No cost. Consider it repayment, for keeping our courtship copasetic. Alice seems to think it's best this way." Jasper looked away, leaning slightly away from the truck.

"Right, no problem. We all have our secrets, right?" I mumbled, the pills weighing heavily in my hand. "What's the dosage?"

"Thirty milligrams, XR. Don't take more than two in a twenty-four hour period. I'm sure you know all the grisly details concerning side effects. You seem well-informed." Jasper turned to eye me carefully, his expression revealing some sort of inner conflict.

I rolled my eyes at his concern, "No worries, I'm not looking for a fix. I just need to focus, you know."

"Right." Jasper nodded in agreement. "Just, be careful. You kind of matter to people that matter to me." Since when did drug deals come with warning labels? As if I didn't feel guilty enough as it was.

"Does Alice know that…you know?" I was having a hard time using the words now that Jasper had acted all worried and shit, like I was doing something wrong.

"Not yet. But you know Alice, she doesn't stay in the dark long." Jasper smiled at the thought of his girl, this small gesture so telling as to the depth of their relationship.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, she's pretty incredible." I felt like a total shithead, the pills becoming salt in a gaping wound.

"Yes she is." Jasper pulled away from the window. "Well, see you around, Bella."

Before I could respond, Jasper shoved his hands in his pocket and took off across the parking lot. I threw the pills in my bag. There's no way I could take them now, not after that conversation. I thought about flushing them, to relieve my own discomfort, but it seemed like an awful big waste. And there was always the chance that I might need them at some point…I decided it best to hold onto them, just in case.

I grabbed my tote bag and got out of my truck, slamming the door and as I turned I collided with a tall, slim body, warm honey assaulting my discernment. "Shit!" I exclaimed, as strong arms gently righted my position, holding me into a snug embrace. What was this, startle the hell out of Bella day?

But the position I found myself in was definitely part of the most desirable scenario I had concocted for today. I looked up to find Edward's emeralds glittering and creased in concern. The stitches on his cheek had been removed, a small bandage over the cut instead, the bruises yellowing and almost indiscernible now. His reddish brown waves were freshly washed and still damp from his morning shower. Edward smelled so damn good, a mixture of soap and spice, his scent more potent to me from its absence. I wanted to taste him, licking my lips in anticipation, a coy grin playing on my lips. He recognized my desire and leaned down to place a delicate, muted kiss on my lips. Not enough, my brain was screaming, but I had only begun to assess this situation. "He's my sunshine in the morning, he's my fireworks at the end of the day…"

"Hi," he said quietly, searching my expression.

"Hey," I replied, not quite sure how comfortable Edward was with public displays of affection. He still hadn't released me, his arms snug around my middle. I tested the waters, bringing my hand to his chest, smoothing over the firm muscle and running my hand up his neck and into his hair, massaging his nape as he had done for me. His eyes fluttered closed, a small smile forming on his lips. I gripped the back of his neck more firmly and brought his mouth to mine, kissing him deeply this time, licking his lip before gently entering his mouth fully. He quickly matched my eagerness with fervor, twirling and pivoting his tongue around mine, a pirouette of intensity. He pulled me closer, weaving his hand into the length of my hair and pressing me into his chest, his other hand coming up to cradle my face, his fingers sprawling to clutch my jaw, and just fucking swallowing me up.

Coming back to coherency I realized we were still standing in the parking lot, which was now crawling with students. I tried to pull away slightly, finding myself locked into this position by Edward's unyielding grip. His reluctance to release me sent a frenzy of electric excitement spiraling between my legs and I groaned instinctively into his mouth.

Edward pulled away, panting and staring wide-eyed at my face, his gaze skipping across my features. He brought both hands to my face now, smoothing my cheeks with his thumbs and kissing me sweetly, a delicate peck on the lips and then one on the tip of my nose.

"Fuck Bella, I don't know if we can do this in public. We might get arrested. I mean, that had to be obscenely indecent," Edward muttered, wrapping his arms around me once more.

"Hmm, obscenely indecent, huh? Yeah, that's awesome." Self control was getting more difficult to channel the closer I got to Edward. It seemed there was an inverse correlation between proximity and restraint.

Edward chuckled and released his grip, causing me to frown at the disconnect. He placed his arm around my shoulder instead, leading me onto campus. "May I walk you to class, Miss Swan?" he asked in a very gentlemanly voice, his decorum smoldering and reminiscent of one of my nineteenth century novels.

"Of course. If you didn't, I'd be wicked pissed." I smiled, glad to offset his formal cadence. We walked onto campus and I swear you would have thought we were humping right there in the quad the way people were staring. Apparently, Edward was a hot commodity among the ladies because I was getting fucking death threats in the form of glares as he walked me to class.

"What class do you get to suffer through this morning?" he asked me as we walked through the campus.

"Um, English," I answered hesitantly. "Yeah, I have Jessica Stanley in this class."

"Of course you do," he responded, his voice dry and sarcastic. I suddenly felt very apprehensive about Jessica and how she was going to react to this. I mean, I was going to have to deal with her in Spanish also, and it was obvious in her actions at the party Friday night that she could be a little overdramatic.

We made our way to the English building and Edward bravely lead me through the doors. Jessica and a couple of other girls I didn't really know were standing outside the classroom. I could faintly hear Jessica's slur of profanities as we approached the door. Edward's grip on my shoulder tightened in response to their stares. I heard someone mutter "skinny-ass bitch" and "probably on drugs" and I just had to smile because it was so typical for them to jump to that conclusion. It was the same shit I had put up with in Phoenix and it really didn't phase me anymore. What was more disturbing was the apparent lack of imagination plaguing the youth of the United States. Couldn't they think of something a little more unique?

Edward leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Are you going to be okay?" His concern caused a great swelling in my chest and I snuggled further into his side, practically trying to fuse myself to him or something.

"Of course I'll be okay. These chicks are nothing," I responded. He leaned over and kissed my forehead, which was probably for the best seeing as how whenever our lips met our ability to restrain seemed to disappear.

"Good. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" Fuck, lunch! Yeah, totally forgot about that issue for a minute.

"Okay. Have a great learning day!" I said, my voice rich with sarcasm. It was something my fifth grade teacher used to say and I had used it ever since, usually when I wanted to mock the public school system.

Edward walked away chuckling to himself. I entered the classroom and took a seat in the front. I pulled out one of my books and began reading. Jessica and her horde of hussies ambled into the classroom and she took the seat behind me, still muttering various attacks on my character. I ignored her, trying to put myself in her shoes so I wouldn't punch the bitch in the face. I tried to imagine how I would feel if some girl swooped in on my crush, a guy I had not only thrown myself at but made a complete fool of myself in front of as well. It had to be pretty devastating.

"So, Bella, how much is Edward Cullen paying you to fuck him?" Jessica was sitting directly behind me, speaking in a voice low enough to not make a scene but loud enough for everyone in our immediate vicinity to hear. "There's always somebody callin' you down…"

I sighed. I had been expecting this. "Jessica, that doesn't even make sense. Are you trying to slam me or Edward? Because that statement infers that I'm actually rather delightful in the sack, so much so that someone would pay money to sleep with me. Are sure that's an insult?"

Jessica just blinked at me, opening her mouth to retort but unable able to follow my logic. I smiled at her and turned back around. Yep, logic will get them every time.

Jessica didn't bother me for the rest of class and the remainder of the morning actually sped by, the more pertinent issue being what in the hell was I going to do about lunch. Now that Alice knew what was up I didn't know if I could maintain my non-eating habits in front of her.

Edward was waiting for me by the door to the lunch room, his blue button up short sleeved shirt clinging to his sculpted, lanky frame. He smiled softly when he saw me, one cheek creasing slightly higher than the other, his lips forming an adorably uneven fissure.

He didn't say anything, just reached for my wrist, bringing it to his lips and pulling me into a gentle squeeze. "How was your morning?" he asked me as he bent to kiss my jaw. Little shivers went scurrying over my skin, up across my scalp and down my neck and across my shoulders, causing goosebumps to break out all over my arms.

"Horribly dull," I responded. "And yours?"

"Getting better," he whispered against my skin, causing another wave of shivers. He pulled away, brushing the hair from my face. "Hungry?"

We walked into the lunch room, moving to a table already occupied by Rosalie and Emmett.

"Ugh, I hate cafeteria food." This was all I could come up with. I'd had, like, four hours to sit and think about it and this was all I could come up with. It was a meager excuse, I know.

"Hmm. You're in luck. I don't eat cafeteria food." Of course not. Why didn't I anticipate this response? Wow, Bella, nice one, way to hit one out of the park.

"Oh? What do you eat then?" I asked, my voice wavering and slowly filling with panic. I swallowed a couple of times, my throat parched, a dry barren desert of desperation.

"I made grilled eggplant and roasted red pepper sandwiches, with marinara and melted provolone cheese. Now, before you judge, remember that these should really be served hot and fresh, but they're pretty good lukewarm too." He pulled out a large grocery bag of sandwiches wrapped in foil as we arrived at the table. Emmett looked up at us, a big goobery grin on his face. Rosalie scowled and ignored us, a reaction to be anticipated seeing as how she pretty much hated my guts.

"Bella! You're back! I'd have thought after this weekend you'd be hightailing it back to Phoenix." Emmett winked at me causing me to blush furiously. Shit, I hoped Edward hadn't spilled about the roof.

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty resilient. I always bounce back." I looked down, feeling the blush creeping up my neck again.

"I guess it's pretty easy to bounce back when you have prince charming rescuing you all the time, huh?" Rosalie broke her silence to offer her snide remark.

"Shut it, Rose," Edward muttered.

"What? I'm just saying, if you can't hold your liquor you shouldn't drink. And you shouldn't climb walls if you can't walk in a straight line. It's all very damsel in distress, isn't it now?" Oh, that's why she hated me. She thought I was just some stupid girl that needed attention and acted like an idiot on purpose in order to get it. You know, a "look at me" girl.

She really wasn't that far off.

"Fuck, Rose. Do you have to-" Edward started to defend me again but I interrupted.

"No, Edward. She's right." I knew what kind a girl Rosalie was. The weaker you appear, the harder she pushes until you're broken and she has won. Well, sometimes when you submit, when you appear weak, you gain control, the way the land submits to the constant pressure of a stream, the water continuously berating the soil, pushing and crumbling and dragging little bits of rock and silt away with it. Eventually, you have a full bodied river, the water a tumultuous force, bending the will of the terrain and forcing the earth to mold.

Sometimes, all you need is a little stream.

"I acted like a total idiot. I drank too much, I smoked too much, and I made dumb decisions. It was very foolish and I'm lucky Edward was there to help me." Admitting fault was never my strong suit and I hoped I was doing it justice.

Rosalie was staring at me now, dumbfounded. Edward smirked and went back to readying our lunch while Emmett gaped, his head whipping back and forth between Rosalie and myself.

Alice's clear voice interrupted the heavy silence. "Hey guys! What's for lunch? I'm fucking starving." Alice plopped into the seat next to me, giving me a wary glance. Her black hair was wavy today, brushed back from her face and held in place with some strategic clips. She was wearing a large red sweatshirt paired with black leggings, the neckline cut to expose her shoulder and her black tank top underneath, very eighties. I smiled at her, trying to convey a silent apology for the last time I had seen her. She smiled back and I was thankful for her quick acceptance. Of course, I had learnt that there's no telling what's going through that brain of hers and a small part of me continued to worry about what she was plotting.

"Eggplant sandwiches," Edward said, handing her one of the foil packages. Alice took the sandwich and unwrapped it, the scent of marinara wafting around the table. Fuck, it smelled delicious. My stomach growled and churned in anticipation, agitation itching under my skin.

Edward handed me my sandwich and I held the foil package in my hand for a moment, an internal battle waging, my will quickly fading as Edward's expectant eyes monitored my mannerisms. I smiled at him, opening the package and exposing the hoagie filled with the eggplant mixture. Thank God he had cut them in half because there was no way I was going to be able to eat this whole sandwich.

I picked up half of the sandwich and took a small bite. The flavor was amazing. The eggplant, a tad smoky, was grilled to perfection, not too soggy yet not too firm, and paired with the roasted red peppers, the vegetables were a mixture of savory and sweet. And the sauce, oh my sweet Jesus the fucking marinara sauce. I hadn't had marinara this good in like…well, in like ever. It was sweet and a tad spicy, just the right amount of basil to offset the tartness of the tomatoes. Edward really was an amazing cook, his food like fucking art, the blending of colors and flavors just beautiful to look at and even more beautiful to taste.

I ate the whole fucking thing. I don't even remember what they were talking about, some video game or some shit. All I could focus on was this damn sandwich and how Edward had created this for his family and for me, for nourishment, sustenance, pure selflessness in his care and actions. Shit, I wanted to cry. He was so beautiful, not just his face but his spirit, his very soul was a natural nurturer. It was a fucking remarkable thing that he even wanted to be with someone like me.

When I came out of my marinara-induced stupor, Alice was staring at me intently, and the slow rumbling was building in my belly, my fucking body discarding Edward's devotion once again. It was all kinds of frustrating.

I tried to stifle the nausea, repress the compulsion. I took deep breaths, filling myself with oxygen, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth, trying not to be a loud mouth breather, and just petrified of puking up this meal, petrified that I would never be able to function normally, that I could never fully enjoy Edward's creations and therefore never fully enjoy Edward himself.

The worst feeling was knowing that I had done this to myself. This wasn't the byproduct of some rare disease that I had been cursed with. I had cursed myself, looked Karma in the face and whispered a fuck you as I bent over that porcelain bowl time and time again.

The guilt was beginning to consume me and my belly straining against the waistband of my pants was an immutable reminder of my inability to monitor my intake. I needed to at least go to the restroom, maybe to just puke up little bit. Maybe I could keep a portion of the sustenance with me while satisfying the compulsion to purge. I had to try something, anything, because I was not going to be able to hide my discomfort from Edward during Biology.

Edward was engaged in conversation with Emmett, the two of them arguing over something. I touched Edward's arm, trying to be subtle. "I'm going to go the restroom. I'll be right back." I could barely get the words out without bursting into tears. I kissed his cheek and got up to leave.

Alice, noticing our interaction, stood up. "Where are you going, Bella?" she asked, and I knew what she was doing. Fucking shit, not now Alice, please!

"I'm have to pee," I said, trying to send a very pointed message: Fucking butt out.

Alice stared me down, acknowledgment in her face but stubbornness burning in her green eyes. "Me too. I'll go with you." She stood up, grabbing her bag and heading out of the lunch room. I knew where she was going and I followed her to the school day-smoking restroom, ready to let her have it.

I ran to catch up with her, grabbing her shoulder and turning her to face me.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I asked her, trying to remain inconspicuous due to the clusters of students milling around in the quad area. Alice just ignored me and continued walking to the restroom, past the Science building. Again, I had to jog to keep up with her and when I finally caught her she had entered the restroom without so much as a glance at me. I caught the door as it was closing and followed her into the small room.

Alice was already standing on the toilet, her Doc Marten boots carefully balanced, and opening the small windows for ventilation. Shit, she was going to have a fucking smoke, which meant she was planning on staying. Well, fuck! Fine, if she wanted to see me like this, then fine. Two could play at this game.

She hopped off the toilet and stared at me.

"Bella, I can't make you stop, I'm not even going to try, but I can sit in this restroom all fucking day if I have to. If you're going to do this, you're going to have to do it with me in here. I'm not leaving until you do." Alice leaned against the tile wall and took out her pack of cigarettes and her lighter. She put one of the cylinders into her mouth, lighting and puffing, smoke filling the room and causing the ache in my stomach to scream.

"Fine. I've puked in front of you before. Big fucking deal." I shrugged my shoulders. Actually, it was a big fucking deal, because I didn't know if I could do this with her in here. Sometimes it doesn't come right up and it's embarrassing as all fuck, the spitting and gagging that goes on in the process.

I pushed open the door to the stall and kneeled on the disgusting tile floor. Public restrooms were always the worst because literally anybody could have used that toilet and now I was putting myself in direct contact with their possible fecal matter.

I could still smell the cigarette smoke swirling around the room reminding me that Alice was still here whether I could see her or not. I hesitated a slight moment before placing two fingers into my mouth and gently hitting the uvula hanging in the back of my throat. I gagged but nothing came up. I spit the saliva into the toilet. Fuck, this was embarrassing. My eyes watering, I tried again. Nothing, nothing but fucking spit. This wasn't going to work. Alice was a distraction, something to focus on instead of the satisfaction of vomiting.

Defeated, I wiped my hand with some toilet paper, the tears streaming down my face and the nourishment still causing my belly to protrude, gasping for air between sobs. Alice opened the stall door and pulled me into a fierce hug. How did she know this would work, that I wouldn't be able to do it with her in here?

"It's okay Bella. It's okay." She kept saying, over and over again. Lunch was almost over now, and there was no way I was going to be able to ditch Biology, so I pulled away from her and went to the sink to wash my face and hands.

"How did you know that would work?" I asked her, still trying to clean myself up.

"I didn't. But it was worth a shot." Alice already had a new cigarette between her lips and she handed me one as well. We smoked until the bell rang and I popped a peppermint into my mouth before heading to face Edward in Biology. I didn't know which smell I was trying to cover up now, the almost puke or the cigarette. I decided it didn't really matter. Edward was going to find out about everything soon at this rate.

When I walked into the classroom Edward was already at our table. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his lean torso and leaned my head on his back, not caring about the audience that was accumulating, not caring about the smell of cigarettes that surely clung to my hair and clothes. I just wanted to be close to him for a couple of minutes. His hand clasped around my interlaced fingers on his chest and he shifted to put his arm around me, pulling me into his side and kissing my temple. He pulled away to look at me, I'm sure smelling the cigarette smoke.

"You were smoking with Alice, huh?" Edward asked, quietly. I nodded. It was a good excuse and not totally a lie.

Edward smirked, "She thinks I don't know, but come on, it's not really a smell you can hide." He smirked again and brought my hands to his lips, placing little kisses on each finger. It seemed Alice wasn't the only Cullen with the power of perception, making me a little uneasy. What else did he know?

When Mr. Banner walked in to start the class, we separated slightly, our stools still ridiculously close. We never ceased to touch, Edward's hand on my back or in between my knees. After the lecture we completed our assignment together, working well as a team this time and finishing with almost twenty minutes left in the class period. We spent the rest of the time talking about silly things, like infomercials and movies and Edward drew a tiny lowercase 'e' onto my palm with his pen. After class, he walked me to the gym and explained that he had some things to do after school and he would stop by my house later. He kissed me on the forehead, not wanting to incite a riot due to indecently obscene behavior, and walked swiftly to his class. It was the most comfortable experience after the disaster in the restroom and I was peaceful and serene, knowing I would see Edward later that night. And I didn't feel sick again once.

I drove home after school, quiet and introspective. What did all this mean? Initially I wanted to puke. I felt my body trying to quench the desire for emptiness on its own. But after Alice forced me to fight the demands, my body quieted, the compulsion subdued, and my interaction with Edward allowed me to actually forget about the pressure in my stomach. It was progress, to say the least, progress that would allow me to be an equal with Edward, to equally enjoy and equally care.

That night I made Charlie dinner, baked chicken and rice. It was one of the meals on the list that Carlisle had provided. He ate at the kitchen table like a real fucking person. There wasn't any conversation or explanations, but we didn't need it. The actions were enough.

Charlie settled into the couch for the night and I brought him his meds. I cleaned the kitchen, putting away the leftovers and washing and drying the dishes. I was burning time, waiting for Edward to get here. What the hell? Where was he?

Finally, at eleven, I resigned myself to my room. Charlie was in a deep sleep on the couch now, snoring softly while the T.V. cast a soft glow upon the living room. I opened my window, the cool chill of the night air causing the hair on my arms to stand on end, hope of Edward's arrival still lingering in my head. Just as I was about to pull away from the window the headlights of a small car shone in the distance. The silver car came to a stop and parked across the street. Edward climbed out of the Volvo, his eyes immediately on my window, a grin on his lips. I smiled down at him, relieved and anxious to have him close to me. Creeping downstairs, I opened the front door to find him waiting on the porch. He was still in his school clothes and I pulled him by the shirt into the house. I wanted to feel his lips on mine but was afraid Charlie would wake up if we dawdled, so I motioned for him to follow me up to my room.

Once in my room I shut my door with a tiny, satisfying click. I couldn't allow any more time to transpire without at least tasting Edward's sweet mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck, sucking in his bottom lip. He enveloped me in his arms, his hands running the length of my back, pulling up my shirt and snaking under the hem. His hands, chilled from the night air, caused a shiver to run down my spine as they made contact with the bare skin of my back and sides. Edward's tongue came out to meet mine as he deepened the kiss, kneading and pulsing, his hot breath in my mouth. "You taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet…"

I let my hands drop from his neck and brought them to his chest instead, allowing them to glide over the fibrous muscles down to his stomach and letting them linger just above his waistband. His breath caught and his swirling tongue paused when he felt my hands enter this region. He pulled his mouth from mine, gazing into my eyes, begging, asking, pleading…so many emotions showing on his face and flooding from his thick green pools, and I wanted to answer them all with a very emphatic yes. My hands moved to unbutton the silly piece of material keeping my hands from the true sensations they desired. I discarded his shirt, tossing it aside and gazing at the full extent of his upper torso, the stretched skin of his neck and shoulders, his collarbones and shoulder blades tightly wrapped in slightly freckled skin, his chiseled chest covered in a fine layer of dark hair, his pink nipples hard and enticing. I grazed his chest with my hands again, running my fingers over his nipples, his head rolling back and his eyes closing.

He uttered a tiny moan, the only sound voiced from him so far tonight, breaking the silence and sending a shock of energy throughout my entire body. I moved my gaze to his stomach, the depressions of the muscled sections rippled under my fingers as I ran my hands across his belly. I grazed my thumbs down the small trail of hair leading behind his zipper, the rest of my fingertips tracing the V shaped by his pronounced hip bones. He trembled at my touch as I slid my fingertips barely into the waistband of his jockeys sticking out of his jeans. I ran my fingers along the waistband, pulling the undies away from his stomach and my fingers lightly grazed the top of the hair beneath. He was panting now and I pressed my hip into his hard dick, rubbing against it with my body and just dying to shove my hand down his pants to feel it.

"Fuck, Bella. I can't take much more of this." I kissed him deeply again, my fingers still hooked in his waistband, and I pushed him back onto my bed. His hands were still under my shirt and he grabbed my sides and pulled me onto the bed with him, rolling so that I was under him. He pulled away from the kiss, pushing my shirt up to expose my breasts. He gently pulled my nipple into his mouth, his hand palming the other, and licked the hardened flesh a couple of times before moving to my stomach. Edward's lips crawled across my belly, licking and slightly sucking the skin around my belly button, his hands still massaging my breasts, rubbing large circles across my chest and down my sides. He wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me off the bed and causing my back to arch in an effort to bring the skin of my abdomen closer to his mouth. Fire burned between my legs, heat pulsating in the moisture, as he got closer and closer to the waistband of my pants with his lips, his tongue darting out every so often to taste my skin. I could hardly breathe evenly now and my discretion was quickly evaporating.

"Edward." I pulled his face to mine, whispering into his cheek. "I want you to touch me. Please?" He pulled back, his eyes heavy and craving, his hands still beneath my shirt, rubbing my stomach and grasping my hips. He moved his mouth to my neck, sucking and licking my earlobe while his hands unbuttoned my pants. He slid the pants down my legs and I was praising Buddha I had shaved this morning. His hands slowly trailed down my thighs and up again, one hand resting on the small of my back and the other grabbing my ass with a gentle squeeze, only a thin layer of cotton between his palm and my skin. He pulled back to look into my eyes again, asking for reassurance. I answered by moving my hand to rest on his hard dick against my thigh. He grabbed my ass with eagerness now, sliding his hand across my hip and into my panties and holy hell, when his finger slipped into the crease of my slick pussy, I thought I was going to fucking faint. He continued to just feel everything while still kissing me, his fingers everywhere, grazing my clit and pumping into me, wet and sticky and just getting fully acquainted with my anatomy. It felt so amazing, just having him touch me, his skin connecting with mine, his fingers filling me up, hard and fast and then slow and lingering. My body was a live wire, sparks flying everywhere. I couldn't breathe, my panting causing me to get light headed, but I wanted Edward to feel what I was feeling too, so I gently popped the top button of his fly open.

Edward ceased his fingering, "Bella, that's not a good idea."

"Of course it's a good idea. It's a fucking phenomenal idea, I guarantee it." I kissed his lips again, slowing unzipping his pants.

"Bella, stop. What if I can't control myself? It might be too much." Edward looked away from my face, shame in admitting this lack of restraint.

"It's okay, Edward. Let's just see what happens. You'll never know if you don't try." It was trite and cliché, but I wanted to get him off. I wanted him to fall apart in my hands, feel the power of his arousal coursing through his body, culminating in hard throbs against my palms and straining against my grip, and I wanted to know that I was the one in control of his pleasure.

I brought my hand to his face, running my finger across his lip before pressing my lips to his and sliding my tongue into his mouth. His fingers resumed in their wonderings and his moans matched mine as I slowly reached into his jockeys and grasped his cock tightly, pumping it hard. He pulled his mouth away from mine and pressed his head into my shoulder, his fingers fucking the hell out of me now. I was eager to climax but wanted to give Edward the same attention he had given me, so I pulled and pushed, sensual and hard, using both my hands to feel every inch of him, sliding my hands over his stomach and the mass of skin below the shaft, just hoping he was enjoying this as much as I was.

He moaned again, the sound alone causing little sparks of pleasure crawling over my skin, as his fingers worked ferociously. I took this as a sign to move my own hands in pace with his, using the momentum building in my own body to fuel my actions, while my mind chanted more more more. I stroked him furiously, his dick twitching a few times in anticipation of his climax. I slid one of my own hands down to feel his fingers pumping into me, bringing some of the natural lubrication back to coat his dick. His head sprang up then and he looked at me intensely, wide-eyed and surprised, before ejaculating into my hands and all over his belly and mine. I continued to rub over his dick, mixing the fluids and causing him to shudder into my shoulder as he brought his head back down and his clenched eyes relaxed. Resolved to equal my efforts, he moved his thumb over my clit, pushing up my shirt and once again taking my nipple into his mouth, gently grazing it with his teeth. This fucking did it and I exploded, convulsions pulsing through my body, my fingers and toes tingling and buzzing with electricity.

We laid there for a few moments, just messy as all hell and reveling in our mutual ecstasy. Edward turned toward me and placed a small kiss on the tip of my nose before silently leaving the room to clean up. I struggled to stay awake while I waited for my turn in the bathroom.

When I returned from cleaning up, he was sitting on the edge of my bed, his nimble fingers swiftly fastening the buttons of his shirt around him. I lingered in the door frame, watching him get dressed, and then running his fingers through his hair. I didn't deserve him, his food, his nurturing, his fucking fingers. I didn't deserve any of it. I wanted to run from this room, hiding myself from him, because when he found out what I was he would surely hate me. He would hate me for the lies, disgusted by my compulsion. He wouldn't be able to touch me like that anymore, or kiss my hands, my fingers, my mouth, knowing where they had been and what atrocities I had used them for. He would hurt and I would be the cause. This realization caused the ever present tears to once again cause a choking in my throat and a blurring of my vision. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't be the cause of his anguish, but I couldn't be apart from him either, my very soul a gaping divot when he was away from me.

Edward sensed my presence and looked up at me, smiling and a little embarrassed, and I had to rush to him. I hit him hard with my body, almost knocking him off the bed, and curled into his lap, clutching him as silent tears soaked into his shirt. He held me in silence, his hands running through my hair and I could have fallen asleep, right there in his arms, making me yearn for the day when I could sleep next to Edward. I wasn't sure what he thought the motivation for this emotional outpouring was, but I let him make his own conclusions, my tears eventually ceasing and the tingles on my scalp from Edward's fingers in my hair a lullaby calming me to a near slumber. "While the song that he sang her, to soothe her to sleep, runs all through her circuits like a heartbeat…"

I walked him to his car when it was time for him to leave. The cool mist of early morning was settling on the town and I shivered as he pulled me into his warmth. He kissed my neck and jaw a few times before looking into my eyes, his all green and sparkling.

"Bella, will you go out with me?" His voice was genuinely inquisitive and I giggled softly at the purity of his request.

"What, like on a date?" I smiled, consumed with giddiness at this idea.

He nodded, a sly smile creeping into his face.

"Hmmm, I'll have to think about it," I teased.

"Really?" he asked in mock surprise. "Well, if you're unsure I could always ask Jessica Stanley."

I scoffed, "Ew, gross. Don't even joke like that." I shoved him away.

Edward caught my hand and pulled me back to him. "Please, Bella. Will you go on a date with me?" He kissed my cheek and my chin and finally my lips, persuasion in every press.

"Okay," I conceded, breathlessly. I would do anything for this boy. Edward Cullen owned me, body and soul.

…

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A/N

Good, clean fun! Well, maybe not clean... A little bit of something from Charlie too! And Alice, ah, Alice my girl...I love her, seriously LOVE her...

Joni Songs referenced:

Electricity

Case of You

Free Man in Paris

My Old Man

Willie

Edward's fingers make me think of magical things... Review my dears!