For the Summer - 1993

CH 11 – That Time You Didn't Show Up

1993

Sleepless in Seattle, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan is released in theaters.

Pearl Jam releases their second album, Vs., and in it's first week, it outperforms all other entries in the Billboard top ten combined.

Average price of a movie ticket in the US is $4.14

…
"It still says I'm off by almost a thousand dollars," I complain into the receiver. I pound on the enter button incessantly, but the stupid machine just keeps beeping at me.
"Bella, stop pushing buttons. Did you read the directions I left?" my brother asks impatiently and I pull the phone away from my ear and shake it, pretending it's Emmett's stupid neck. Of course I read the fricking directions! Does he really think I'm that dense?
"Yes," I try to remain calm. "I did everything you said to do and it still won't balance."
"I don't know what to tell you. You're just going to have to go through and verify each deposit," he says and I want to ram my head against the wall repeatedly. And then ram Emmett's head against the wall for leaving me to deal with this shit.
"Thanks for nothing, douchebag," I mutter and Emmett laughs. He's been exceptionally forgiving of my foul attitude.
"I miss you, Sis," he says and I clench my eyes shut, trying not to cry.
"I miss you, too. Are you coming home for the summer?" I ask and I hear Emmett sigh.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea. I think I should just give Dad some space for a while."
Yeah, I figured. After we got home from Vegas last summer, Emmett quit his job. He told my dad he got married in Vegas and that he was moving to Washington, D.C. in August and, well, shit sort of went flying. God, it was so awful.
Emmett and Rose drove back separately and I rode with Edward, Alice and Jasper in the Volvo. Edward parked at his family's unit and was walking me back to my house when all of a sudden my brother came flying out the screen door. I mean like, literally, breaking through the screen and tumbling onto the porch. My dad was behind him, his face red with rage as he yelled.
I ran towards them, dropping my backpack and yelling at them to stop. I don't know what I was planning to do. It's not like I could have stopped either one of them. Luckily, Edward's faster. He ran ahead while I watched, like a slow motion sequence in a movie or something. Emmett got up and slammed his shoulder into my dad's chest, forcing him against the wall. Then they were hitting each other and cursing, with Rose screaming in the doorway. They stumbled off the steps and into the gravel drive. Edward grabbed my brother, and my dad finally backed off.
"That's right," my dad shouted. "Abandon this family, just like your mother!" And this was when I began to hyperventilate.
Rose ran to Emmett and I'm crying and Edward's holding me and it was just the biggest clusterfuck ever. Emmett packed his shit and before he left, I begged him to stay. "Please don't leave me," I said and he cried. My brother fricking cried. I realized this was hard for him too, so I let him go. I let him go with his Rose.
They left that night to drive back to Seattle. I was so mad, and hurt, and envious, and disappointed I could hardly stand it. My dad spent that night in his office and Edward spent that night in my bedroom. I was devastated. All the responsibility now falls on me. Emmett is supposed to help my dad learn how to use the computer. Emmett knows stuff about finance and investing and making the customers happy. Emmett is supposed to take over the marina so my dad can retire. And now that's all on me.
When I tried to explain this to Edward he didn't understand.
"If Emmett and Rose can make this long distance thing work, so can we," he said and I shook my head.
"For the next four years? And then what about your residency? Then what are you going to do? Move here? I can't ever leave now. I'm stuck."
"We don't have to know all the answers right now. I thought we were going to take it slow," he said and I felt like a goddamn idiot. Here I was, practically telling him I want to be with him forever and all he wants is to talk on the phone once in a while.
We hung out the rest of the summer and we took it slow. We went for boat rides and kissed and touched, but we didn't go any further than making out, not after the almost-sex in Vegas. We watched the Dream Team win the Gold medal and I loved seeing Edward and my dad watch basketball together. They shouted at the refs, and cheered, and drank beer and it was like Edward was family. It distracted me from the fact that my brother was gone. I think it distracted my dad, too.
Before Edward left, he gave me a phone number to this pager thing that he has. All I have to do is call it, punch in my number and wait for him to call me back. This is good because I can't really call Edward from home unless I want my dad listening in on my conversation. I have to call him from the office and I'm only able to do this at certain times. It's all very choreographed. Also, Edward says the bulk of the long distance charges will be on his tab. This makes me feel like a complete moocher. I don't know. I don't know how this is going to work.
But I'm willing to try.
Edward also gave me a CD for my birthday, a red cover with clasped hands and the words Pearl Jam in bold across the front. I was confused. I didn't even have a CD player. But he insisted it will play. I thought he was crazy until I noticed he had replaced my tape player with a brand new CD player.
"I do not accept that gift," I said, folding my arms across my chest as he put the CD into the player and skipped to a specific song, a slow, lulling melody accompanied by a throaty baritone, emotive voice.
"You have to, it's a gift. You can't say no to a gift," he said as he collapsed onto my bed. He pulled me back to lay against him but I resisted.
"This is an expensive present. I can't accept it."
"Why not? You've never had a problem accepting my gifts before." He tried to pull me to the bed but I pulled back.
"Because I can't give you anything in return."
"Alright fine, I'm loaning you my CD player so you can listen to my favorite song," he smirked as I finally let him pull me to the bed. I rested easily beside him, his arm under my neck, his hand pulling through my hair, his lips on my temple and he quietly sang.
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be the star in somebody else's sky,
But, why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"
Edward slept in my bed all night, kissed me good bye in the morning and then he was gone.
And I was alone.
The months fly by, and I muddle through one day after the next trying just to exist until the summer, when I can live. I visit my mom a couple times but our meetings have dropped to bimonthly. I miss her, but I hardly even know her anymore. She's like this new person with a new life, and that life is wrapped around Phil.
I page Edward when the Bulls win the Championship again and he calls me back and we talk about the game. I've talked to him a couple of times. It's hard to have any kind of real conversation. He's busy with school and I rarely have time to talk without my father's greedy ears hanging on every word. We don't talk often but this is how our relationship has always been. We've never talked on the phone. We've never written letters. I should just be confident that this year will be just like any other. This is how I keep my unease at bay. Don't jump to conclusions. Just wait until he gets here.
"How's Jacob working out?" Emmett drags me from my momentary lapse in consciousness by bringing up one thing that's worse than Edward leaving.
After Emmett left, I took over working in the office. My dad realized we needed some help, so guess who he hired? Yep, Jacob pain-in-my-ass Black. I don't even know why Jacob wants to work here. I mean, I don't want to be so conceited to say it's because of me, but it's really no secret Jacob's got a thing for me. Part of me thinks this is why my dad hired him in the first place. I think my dad wants me to date him.
I'd rather give myself a thousand paper cuts with cardboard soaked in rubbing alcohol than date Jacob Black.
"Oh, just peachy," I mutter. The truth is, Jacob's doing a fine job. He's a hard worker, he's pretty knowledgeable about boats, and he knows this river better than I do; not that I'd tell him that. He's just so damn persistent. I don't even think he really likes me, but rather that it hurts his pride when I reject him. I know I'm not exactly nice about it, but the dude will just not give up.
"How's Rose?" I say as I stare at the computer screen.
"She's great, a little stressed, but she's handling it well. She loves her job and she's really happy being right in the middle of the political scene. She was very pleased with how the campaign went." Rose had a chance to work on the Clinton campaign this past election.
"Oh, so she's a democrat now?" I joke.
"She walks the line," Emmett laughs. "You should see our apartment. It looks like Captain America exploded."
"So maybe Thanksgiving?" I ask my brother and it's quiet for a long time.
"Yeah, Sis, maybe Thanksgiving," he says. I grit my teeth and clench my eyes, fighting back the tears and the tone that I know will just make him feel worse.
"Okay, I can wait. I'll be fine then," I say and I hear my brother sigh.
"Check your decimals," he says suddenly. "Sometimes I would put the decimal place in the wrong spot and it would mess everything up."
As soon as I'm off the phone with Emmett, Jacob barges through the office door, sweaty and stinking up the place, to hand me an invoice. We had some of the docks re-padded and Jacob's been overseeing the project.
"Hey, I need a check," he says and I look at the slip of paper.
"Tell them we'll send one out. I'm not paying them until my dad checks their work. What if they did a shitty job?" I squint at the computer screen, looking for a rogue decimal.
"I told them you'd write a check. Come on Bella, I got these guys to come in here and do this for a killer price. You don't want to piss them off, in case you need more work done in the future." He wipes the sweat off his almost bald, knobby head. He shaved it last week when I told him I liked long hair. I swear he did it just to be a dick.
"I'm doing something here and my dad needs to okay the job first, Jacob," I say through clenched teeth, as I scroll through the entries. Fricking decimal, where are you? Jacob leans over my back, his hand on my chair, and he lets his chest lean against my shoulder as he stares at the screen. I scoff, turning to give him a pointed glance. "Look, personal-space-invader, don't you have something to do?"
"You forgot a decimal," he murmurs into my ear, his filthy finger on the screen and my faces flushes. The phone rings and before I can answer it, Jacob reaches across me and grabs the reciever.
"Willow Cove Resort and Marina," he says. I scowl as I fix the decimal problem. Enter. Balanced. Finally! I sigh in relief as Jacob hands the receiver to me without a word.
"Hello?" I say into the phone.
"Bella?" Edward's voice is muffled and distant but it's familiar just the same.
"Hey," I say as Jacob messes with some paperclips on my desk. "Knock it off, Jacob"
"What?" Edward asks and I shoo Jacob out of the room. Of course, he refuses to leave.
"Nothing. Jacob's an infant," I mutter as he waves the invoice in front of my face.
"Oh." Long awkward silence. "Is this a bad time?"
Just then my dad walks into the office, and I go mute. Jacob shakes my dad's hand and holds up the invoice for him to inspect.
"Um, kinda, yeah," I say quietly, swiveling in my chair so that I'm facing the wall. "The office is full, if you know what I mean."
"Okay." I can barely hear Edward's quiet voice.
"What's wrong?" I ask and plug my ear.
"Nothing, I'll talk to you later." Silence. And I feel horrible.
My dad pulls off his hat and sets the invoice on the desk.
"We need a check," he says as Jacob sneers beside him. I want to punch both of them in the face.
"Don't you think you should at least check out the job?" I argue and my dad's mustache twitches.
"I trust Jacob's judgment," he says as he pulls out his cigarettes from his back pocket. He offers one to Jacob and the room fills with smoke.
It takes me at least twenty minutes to figure out how to print the check, the sawing sound of the machine grating on every nerve. I thrust the check into Jacob's hand and storm out of the office.
"I'm taking a break," I yell back at my dad as he sits at his desk. The sun scorches and makes my eyes water after being in the dimly lit office all day. The general store is empty. Snagging a Big Otis from the freezer, I walk into the stock room to find Leah scribbling down quantities on a clipboard.
"These people eat a ridiculous amount of chili," she says and I laugh, licking the chocolate from my fingers and basking in the sweet sugary reprieve. "How are things up in the big house?"
"Miserable. I miss the store and I suck at computers," I say and Leah gives me a tight, apologetic grin.
"You'll get the hang of it."
"Hopefully I won't take down the entire marina in the process."
"Yeah, please don't, because then I'd be out of a job," Leah harps, her pencil jabbing the air at me. "How's your photography class?"
"I had to drop it. I kept missing classes and I wanted to get the full refund. Maybe next year." I took a photography class last semester at the community college in Boulder City, but this semester, I've just been swamped. I missed the first two classes and turned in one of my labs late. I didn't want to fail so I just dropped the class, but not before using the darkroom to print a dozen Vegas pictures.
I wad up the plastic wrapping and shove it in the pocket of my jeans as I watch Leah swiftly take inventory. "Hey, why'd you quit school?"
She looks over at me, her features darkening as she brushes her short dark hair from her face. "I needed money," she shrugs. "When Seth joined the army, I figured it was kind of selfish for me to be spending money on school when my mom's at home struggling just to pay her rent. She needed help and since my deadbeat dad can't do shit, I had to step up to the plate."
God, I hate money. I hate that my life has been dictated by this piece of paper. A stupid piece of paper that some old dudes decided is worth something. It's just so disgusting what it does to our society, how it dictates everything. Everything in this world it seems is in pursuit of the almighty dollar, a stupid, ugly green piece of paper.
"So did you talk to lover boy today?" Leah asks, catching me off guard.
"Yeah, I did actually. For a second," I grumble. "We just can't seem to get it together and it's weird. We don't have a lot to talk about. I mean, I seriously doubt he wants to hear about the new padding on the docks or how many cans of chili we had to order this month. And he's been so distant lately, like I'm bugging him. It's just hard to bridge the distance. It's like there's this huge gap between us."
"Well, he'll be here in a week and then your life will be complete," she says sarcastically and I give her a glare.
"You don't think this will work, do you?"
"I don't try to pretend like I know anything about relationships. I haven't been in a relationship for years. But I think you might be setting yourself up for major heartache. Then again, I'm a spiteful bitch and I don't trust anything with a dick."
My heart just breaks for Leah. She's so jaded and she pretends that she doesn't get lonely, but I know better. I see it in her face when Jacob talks about his niece, Claire, starting kindergarten or when someone comes in the store saying that Sam Black sent him over this way for bait. She's built this brick wall around her, holding that lost love hostage inside and there's no way she's negotiating.
"Just be careful, Bella. Don't give your whole heart away. Keep a little for yourself," Leah says, her gray eyes proud and I sigh. Too late, my wise, bitter friend. Too fricking late.
I spend the rest of the week trying to get as much work done as possible so that when Edward gets here, I'll be able to spend some time with him. I need reassurance. Our awkward phone conversations make me nervous. Maybe our connection only works at the river, like maybe we're only good for each other on a part-time basis. I don't know and it makes me anxious for him to get here. It was just so much easier when I didn't know, when I could put him out of my mind during the year and then just pick up our relationship during the summer, like our relationship had been frozen and then thawed the moment we met again.
So when the Cullen's big, black Mercedes pulls in to park at their unit, I'm eager to see Edward's Volvo.
But I don't.
I'm expecting to find him on the swings.
But I don't.
I'm expecting to see him walk through the door of the store or knock on my bedroom window or even on the bridge feeding the fish.
But I don't.
Dr. and Mrs. Cullen check in at the office. They're pleasant and they hug me and comment on how well I look and then they leave. I'm halfway hyperventilating when Jacob saunters into the office to see if I have his paycheck ready. I want to puke.
"The Cullens are here," he says cynically.
"I know."
But he isn't.
I have to get out of here, I have to get away from Jacob and the black Mercedes. I have to go home to the safety of my room so I can fall apart. I jet out the door and run right smack into a small dark-haired frame. Her hands steady my shoulders, her eyebrows creased and worried.
"Alice?" I practically assault her. I'm asking so much in this one word. Where is he? Why isn't he here? Is it my fault? Is he okay? I want her to tell me he's coming later, that I'm just overreacting, that this year will be just like every other year. But I already know what she's going to say.
"He's not coming," she says, her eyes filled with pity. Poor, pitiful, pathetic Bella.
"Why not?" I ask bitterly. What's his excuse? What could be more important that our summer, than getting to spend time with me? And then I realize exactly what this means. Maybe these summers are only this important to me. Maybe I'm the only one who sits around waiting for him to get here. Maybe I'm the only one still fixated on the fantasy.
"He didn't say really. He's been stressed with school and he's totally avoiding us. Jasper and I moved out, you know. We got our own place and he's been really standoffish. He said he has to figure some stuff out, that he needed some time alone. We didn't even talk to him on his birthday. Did you?" Alice's eyes look like big blue crystals.
His birthday. Oh my God. Last week, when he called. Oh, no, no, no! He called me on his birthday, and I blew him off. Double fuck shit!
"Oh Alice, I fucked up!" I gasp. "He called last week and I couldn't talk. I didn't even know it was his birthday. It's not like something we do, call each other on birthdays and stuff."
"No, there's something else going on with him," she mutters. "He's being a complete dick."
"Is it someone else?" I ask, my ears burning because I have to know. Even if it kills me, I have to know.
"I don't know," she says. "I don't think so, but I… I just don't know."
"It's okay. Things change. People do too." I've been waiting for this to happen. Edward always leaves and I always knew one day he wouldn't come back. "Did he…did he send a present?"
"No," she whispers and it's in this moment that I know exactly why Edward's not here. Edward doesn't want me. This long distance thing is too hard. He was wrong and he's too much of a big, fat fucking chicken-shit to tell me himself.
"I knew it. I knew this wouldn't work. I went against my better judgment and I let-" I stop myself from saying it out loud. If I say it then it's real and I will surely be unable to breathe ever again. I clutch my chest, the sidewalk spinning, spinning and I have to sit down. Ten years. This would have been his tenth summer at the marina.
"I am going to fucking kick his ass for this shit." Alice kneels and pulls me into a tight hug. My whole body shakes, my stomach twisting, and I feel like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her, a big fucking shotgun blast right through the middle of my chest.
…
"Bella?" I hear a muffled voice outside my bedroom door. Ugh, why won't they just leave me alone?
"Bella, turn off Smashing Pumpkins and open the door." It's Alice, and probably Jasper. I've been avoiding them all summer. I shut myself in the office when I have to work and go straight home afterward. I don't go on the water, I don't eat ice cream, I don't go to Laughlin for the Fourth. I become a stone statue and refuse to let myself think about him. I hide his pictures, his presents, and his music. I break out my old radio and I take his stupid CD player and shove it in my closet. I pretend he never existed, that the last ten years of my life have been just the same as this one. It's the only way I can function.
I'm just such a mess. I don't know what to feel. I want to be angry with him for letting this romance thing come before friendship. Friends would not just blow each other off. Friends do not ignore each other's pages. Friends do not keep secrets. I can't believe I let this happen. I did exactly what I told myself not to do and then, like an idiot, I rationalized it. I'm still rationalizing it. I'm still hoping, like an idiot, that there's some explanation, that he'll show up, that he'll call. Every day that he doesn't, I feel like a damn fool.
Everything running through my head is a contradiction. I'm not stupid. I know it's not all his fault and that I'm just as much to blame for this. Alice said there's something else, something he can't tell me, something he can't tell anyone and this scares me. This is the only fact that stops me from hating him completely. He might be hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.
The worst part of all of this is that I've lost my friend. No, my best friend. The greatest friend I've ever known. That is my regret. I don't have that comfort any more, I don't have that soul that knows me best, the one person I've bared everything to, inside and out. He's gone.
I have to get out of this room, out of this house, this life.
Oh God, I miss him.
I can't stay like this forever. I don't know if I'll see him next year. I don't know if he'll ever be back again. All I know is I hate the way I feel right now, like an anxious tidal wave is crashing down on me, over and over, pulling and pushing and twisting and turning my body until I'm bruised and broken. I need to get out of my skin.
I want to go cliff diving and get a tattoo.
I want to get drunk off my ass and fuck a stranger.
I want to take the ATV's off-roading in the middle of a storm and get all muddy and maybe break a limb or get stitches or something equally badass.
I want to do something. Anything. All I know is that if I think about Edward again, I'm going to die. Like not literally, but my soul, it will surely fester and die a slow and painful death. I need a distraction. I need it bad.
I bolt off my bed, throwing open the door and find Alice, Jasper and even Leah looking at me like I'm about to explode or something, all hesitant and meek. I roll my eyes. Yeah, I'm hurting. Yeah, I feel like my insides are being carved out with a spoon, like a fricking jack-o-lantern or something, but I'm not going to freak out. I am going to be fine. I am going to be okay. I am going to get Edward out of my head.
Because it's obvious I'm out of his.
I don't say a word. I grab my keys from the dresser and walk past them, linking my arm in Alice's and pulling them out the front door.
"Where are we going?" Alice asks as we drudge to the docks, the hot sun soaks into my skin and goosebumps spread over my arms and scalp.
"Jasper, have you ever been cliff diving?" I ask him and he chuckles.
"Yeah, once me and Edw-" Alice elbows him in the ribs and I swallow. I really, really want to pretend that hearing his name isn't going to bother me, but that's a lie. It rips me up, like I'm some outdated newspaper being shredded for kindling.
It won't feel like this forever. It can't, can it?
"He can say his name, for fuck's sake!" I spit and Alice looks ashamed and I feel awful. I take a deep breath and try to level with them. "I'm sorry. Okay, yeah, this is hard and I'm in a funk. But I can't stand the 'poor Bella' bullshit. It makes me want to break things."
"Fair enough," Alice says. "No more poor Bella."
"For the record, I have never once thought poor Bella," Leah remarks with a smirk and I laugh for the first time in weeks.
"Wait. Who's at the store?" I ask and Leah grins.
"Jacob. I told him he has to clean the bathrooms, too."
"That is probably the best thing I've heard all year." We walk past the swing set and I close my eyes, forcing myself to ignore the two small children giggling as they fly through the air. Shit, I need a drink.
I lead them into the store to find Jacob and Leah's little brother, Seth, at the counter. Seth just finished a nine-month tour in the Middle East, and looks nothing like the nerdy kid that I made out with once years ago. He's tall, his shoulders are well-defined beneath his tank top and his skin is brown and coppery. He wears his hair short, just like Jacob's, his square jaw set, his eyes are deep and dark, and his thin lips curl over large, white teeth when he sees me.
"Oh my! Well, if it isn't little Swan," he says in a throaty voice and I frown. I am not in the mood for small talk.
"Hey, Seth. How's the army treating you? How's Saudi Arabia?" I ask as I pull a six pack of Budweiser from the fridge. Alice clears her throat beside me and I roll my eyes and grab a box of wine too.
"Hot," he laughs and I smile.
"Really? Hotter than here?" I grab a paper bag from behind the counter and bag up the alcohol.
"Yeah, but it's not bad. Lots of sand, lots of bugs." He grins and I smile.
"Aw, just like home then," I say sarcastically and he laughs, a loud booming laugh that might be fake. Or nervous.
"Who are your friends?" he asks.
"This is Alice and Jasper. They're from Washington. State, not D.C."
"Ah, Pay Checks," Seth nods knowingly and I scowl.
"No, they're my friends," I snap, my snotty attitude making a comeback. Seth's face falls and I feel guilty. Here he's been at war, defending our country and all I can do is make him feel bad. Nice one, Bella "Hey, do you want to go out on the water with us? We're going cliff diving."
Jacob thumps on the counter with his fist and I smirk. He's pissed he can't go, which makes me want Seth to come along even more.
"Fuck yeah! I haven't jumped from the cliffs in years," Seth beams. He's kind of cute, I decide.
"No, you're not invited," Leah says as she glares at me and I glare right back.
"Bella just invited me!" he says, exasperated.
"Well, you're not coming with us. Go home and see Mom," she tries to push him out the door but he's like a mountain.
"Mom's not even home, she's working. And I am so coming with you guys," Seth says, pushing her back.
I grab the bag of alcohol and Jacob grabs my wrist. "You can't take that. You didn't pay for it."
Rolling my eyes, I try to shrug from his grip but his fingers hold strong around my arm. "I'm serious."
"Let go of me," I growl, my irritation quickly shifting to anger.
"No worries," Seth says as he pulls out his wallet. "I got it." Seth throws a couple bills onto the counter and Jacob drops my wrist. Seth grabs the bag as we leave the store but not before Jacob flips me off, like a fucking fourteen year old or something.
We climb aboard my father's boat, Seth poised at the bow and waiting to push us out as I start the engine.
"Bella, do not fuck with my brother," Leah whispers in my ear after she climbs into the boat. What does she mean by that? I watch her as she sits down on the bench next to Alice and Jasper. I stare at the vinyl upholstery of the seat, and the memory hits me like a shot-gun blast. I see us stretched across the space, his thigh against my calf.
"Hey! We goin' or what?" Seth shouts and the vision fades. I nod and pull back on the throttle, steering the boat out of the slip. Seth jumps onto the bow, his dark eyes shining like multicolored river rocks.
I didn't ask my dad if I could use the boat and I don't even care. The hills surrounding the marina burn under the glow of the sinking sun, the sky streaked with red and orange. The dark green of the water glitters like shards of glass. He's everywhere here. And all I want to do is jump from the cliffs.
I head out to Australia, twilight quickly fading as I steer into the cove. Seth jumps into the water and ties off the anchor and we all wade to shore. I keep marching up the cliff, determined to soften the pounding in my chest and the air tastes like dust. I can hear the others behind me. If I don't get up this hill before dark, I will surely chicken out. I need to feel something. Even the sweat sliding down my back, the strain in my leg muscles and the heavy breathing in my lungs feels better than the horrible dead vacancy I've been wrapped up in.
Seth catches up to me, his rough hand on my shoulder sparking my attention. I like the way he feels. It's different; calloused and clumsy, very much unlike the gentle hands I'm used to. He smiles sheepishly as he pants from the quick uphill jaunt but I can't return the grin. The muscles in my cheeks fail to cooperate.
"So, Bella, what have you been up to?" he asks and I don't want to tell him. I haven't done one thing with my life since I graduated high school four years ago. I've been waiting on a boy.
"Not much, just working at the marina. My brother got married. He's living in Washington, D. C. now," I say, steering the conversation away from me.
"That's what Leah said. She said you're taking photography classes and that you're working in the office now. She didn't say if you were seeing anyone," he hints with a sly wink and I snort.
"No, I am definitely not seeing anyone."
"Maybe you could see me sometime," he says boldly and for some reason this makes me laugh. Ah, poor Seth. He's adorable, like a big floppy puppy, from his cheesy smile to his lame pick-up lines. I could go out with him. He might be a good distraction.
"Maybe." I say quietly and he beams.
We reach the summit just as it gets dark, the moon our only lantern and I stand over the edge. We're at the highest cliff, the dark, black water below hauntingly still. There isn't a lick of wind and it's hot, and eerily quiet and I'm wondering if I should just have them walk back down.
"There's no way in hell I'm jumping," Alice says and Jasper gives her a nudge.
"Oh, come on. I'll hold your hand," he says in a low sultry voice and I feel my rocky heart crumble. I remember the time Edward held my hand and we jumped together, when he tricked me so he could pinch my leg and I cried. He kissed me, here on this beach. He hurt me and then he kissed me. Oh God, what am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? Why can't I just hate him already? If I hate him this won't hurt as much.
"I'll go first," Leah says, her stone gray eyes reflecting the pale of the full moon. She looks down at the dark water and without a second thought, drops over the edge. She plunges silently into the water and then surfaces, a huge satisfied smile on her face. It's all the encouragement we need. Alice and Jasper go next and then Seth and I follow dead last, the impact sending my shorts right up my rear. I laugh as I surface and we climb onto the boat, popping open cans of beer and drinking wine from paper cups. For the first time in weeks, I don't want to drown. I surface, I smile and I kiss Seth on the mouth while Leah glares at me out of the corner of her eye. She doesn't drink and I'm glad because I am way too drunk to drive the boat back to the marina. She shares her cigarettes with me and I draw the tobacco in and I feel very much like my mom.
I spend the next few weeks with Seth and Alice and Jasper. We swim and ride the WaveRunners up to the dam and I let Seth kiss me and hold my hand. We have bonfires and barbeque out on the cove. We go hiking behind the cliffs and I slip in the mud, coating my whole left side with gunk. Seth picks me up and runs me to the water and I laugh as we both submerge, his hands moving over my body as he washes the mud from my skin, and his mouth moves with mine. It's easy to be happy with him, because he does all the work. He plans dates and picks me up. He calls me and he brings me dinner when I'm working late at the office. He kisses me and touches me and he'd probably even have sex with me. All I have to do is say yes to him. It's a nice distraction.
Sometime around the beginning of August, Alice and Jasper and I drive in to Vegas to see my mom. We meet her at the Tropicana and we have lunch at the brand new In-and-Out on the strip. I order a hamburger and a chocolate milkshake and my mom loves Alice. She asks her all about Seattle and my head pulses. After lunch, we walk the strip to see the new casinos they're building and I notice this little tattoo shop just off the street. I pull them into the shop and immediately pick one out, a small red and brown spiraling sun, using the money my mom gave me to buy gas to pay for it. I absorb the stinging pain, inhaling sharply through the buzzing of the inked needle digging into the middle of my back. I try to pretend it's the same color as the red rocks but I know what this color reminds me of. I won't admit it to anyone, but in my heart I know. Alice gets a bright blue butterfly right below her belly button, and Jasper holds her hand while she winces.
Seth invites us to the movies in Boulder City and after much debate, we end up seeing the worst movie in the history of movies, Sleepless in Seattle. Fucking Alice. I want to see Jurassic Park, dinosaurs and blood and dumb people getting ripped in half, I want the carnage. But we ro-sham-bo and she wins fair and square.
Seth buys me popcorn, a Cherry Coke Icee and Sour Patch Kids and we settle into our seats. By the time the previews are through, I've figured out this movie is a fricking romantic comedy. Seth puts up the armrest between us but I can't relax.
I'm clenching my teeth, my arms folded against the shotgun blast in my chest, from the moment they show Tom Hanks on a houseboat. I'm able to hold it together until the part when Meg what's-her-face flies to Seattle to meet him and she thinks his sister is his girlfriend and I just can't take it anymore. I hate this stupid movie and I hate Alice for making me watch it.
Seth follows me out of the theater, his hand on my back as he guides me outside into the heat. He doesn't ask me any questions, just leads me to the nearest Baskin Robbins and we split a hot fudge sundae. He tells me about the army, about the war. He's killed people, he's almost been killed and here he is, sharing a sundae beside me. We sit on the bench outside and we kiss and he's very much a gentleman about it.
"I've always liked you," he says, his fingers on my face and in my hair as he tugs at my lips. Not the same. It's okay, it's good, but it's not the same and it's frustrating, the hot tears threatening to finally show themselves. "You're so beautiful, like the sunset."
Seth's mouth moves to my neck, his hands on my lower back and he presses me to his chest. I'm not beautiful, I'm ugly. This whole thing is so ugly, what I'm doing to Seth, how I know I can't be whole for him, I can't be what he deserves. I want to. I'm willing it with all my heart, begging myself to like him more, for fiery hair and green eyes to disappear from my head. God, I just want so badly to feel nothing, I wish I could just turn it off. But it's always there, that stinking persistent what-if.
What if he comes back? What if he calls? I know I will still love him. I know I will forgive him. I will accept whatever excuse he offers and I hate myself for it.
I pull away and Seth sighs, his hands leaving my body, his eyes fixated on the street and I let the tears fall. It's the worst possible thing I can think of to do, to allow this sweet boy to comfort me and not give him anything in return.
"I'm sorry," I blubber and I pull my shirt up to hide my face. "I'm going through this thing right now and I just, I can't do this Seth. You're a really nice guy. You're too nice for me."
"What are you talking about? I'm not that nice," he tries to pull the t-shirt from my face. "Come on, give me a chance. I'll treat you like shit, I promise." And this makes me laugh and cry even more furiously.
"I really, really want to. You have no idea," I stress. "But I just can't."
"Why not? I thought we were having a good time. Aren't you having a good time?" he says and I hate the way his voice sounds.
"Yeah, I am. You're a really good friend." I wipe the snot from my nose, the tears from my cheeks.
"Friend? Do you kiss all your friends like you kiss me?" he replies sarcastically and his words sting.
"I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me," I sob, great big heaving gasps and then I laugh because I never let anyone see me cry like this and here I am, on a fricking bench on the busiest street in all of Boulder City, blubbering like a fricking baby.
"I could tell your hearts not in it. You seem like you're holding back all the time. Or maybe holding on?" Seth pushes my hair behind my ear.
"I'm sorry," I whisper and he kisses my forehead. And it's done.
I don't see Seth around the marina anymore after that and I'm starting to think I may have made a mistake. I kind of miss him, but then Leah tells me that he's signed up for another tour and will be shipping out at the end of August. It seems as if everyone leaves all at once; the Cullens, Seth, the majority of the motorhomes, all pulling out as the storms roll in. Another year is over and I'm stuck in the same place I've been for the last ten years. Alone.
I'm sitting in the office and it's after ten at night. I'm finishing some paperwork I should have finished yesterday but I've been kind of blowing off work the last couple of weeks. Jacob leans against my desk, gossiping about some people from school that he saw in town.
"Gianna, you know her, she was in your American Government class," he says. "Remember, she gave Ben Cheney a blow job behind the library during the disaster drill sophomore year? I think Seth dated her too."
"Why would I remember that?" I ask him, irritated. He shrugs.
"Anyway, she married Eric Yorkie. My brother's fucking her." Jacob acts like it's no big deal his brother is sleeping with someone else's wife and I just shake my head.
"Wow, classy. Which brother?"
"Paul. He's working at Safeway now and she always asks him to help take her groceries out to her car. Guess she needs help loading her trunk," he winks and I scowl. Ugh, Paul is disgusting.
"That is really disturbing, you know that right?"
"Hey, who am I to judge?" He fiddles with the stapler on my desk and I snatch it from his hand. "You know, Pearl Jam is playing in November at the Aladdin in Vegas. I think I'm going to buy tickets. Do you want to go with me? Do you know Pearl Jam?"
"Yeah, I know them," I mutter and close my eyes. Everything is now tainted by memories of him. Vegas, Pearl Jam, even ice cream, it all reminds me of him and I hate it.
"Well, do you want to go with me?"
"Do you even like Pearl Jam? I thought you listened to rap music, Snoop Doggy Dogg and shit," I ask him as I punch the numbers into the computer.
"I don't know, maybe it's time for a change," Jacob stares down at me in my chair, his dark eyes pulling me in. I hate it when he looks at me like this.
"You know, he's never going to be with you for good," he says quietly and I freeze. "Come on, you know just as well as I do, he'll always leave. He's not one of us, Bella."
We both know exactly who he's talking about. I glare at him, the tears brimming in my eyelids and I force them to not spill over. Not in front of Jacob, oh, please not in front of Jacob.
"Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me he's coming back to stay or that he'll sweep you away from here and you'll live happily ever after," Jacob challenges. "It's what you want, isn't it? It's what you keep waiting around for."
I'm completely still, a single tear slides down my cheek. God, I want to argue with him. I want to prove to him all the ways he's wrong but I haven't one shred of evidence to suggest anything other than what he claims. I hate him. I want to hurt him. I want to punch him in the face.
"It's time to move on. You'll never be more than just a summer to him," he tells me.
And I almost believe him. He stares into my eyes, his face lingering close to mine and I breathe him in. He smells like weed and beef jerky and cinnamon gum and I feel sick.
Really, what am I waiting around for? Why do I keep holding back? I'm still a virgin, for fuck's sake. While I'd never openly admit it, I think I've been saving myself for him. I could have had Garrett or Seth and I could have been happy. Shit, I could have Jacob. I could have him right now. All I have to do is say yes. All I have to do is let go of the greatest love of my life and the best friend I've ever known. All I have to do is deny every need, every want, every fantasy that has kept me sane year after year. He hasn't called since his birthday, but I've been waiting for him for ten years. I can't waste my life waiting for him anymore.
Just then, like an electric shock straight to my heart, a sound jolts through my entire body and causes my hair to stand on end.
The phone. It's ringing. It's late. It's him. I just know it is.
"Don't answer it," Jacob murmurs, his hand folding over mine and I just stare at the ringing telephone on the desk, the red light flashing in the dimly lit room.
"I have to," I whisper and Jacob pulls his touch away.
My hand shakes as I pick up the receiver.
"Hello?"
…

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A/N:

WAIT! Before you call me a whore for this cliffie, let it be known, I will be posting CH 12 on Monday instead of the teaser and then CH 13 next Friday. Oh and also, I love you. Okay, let the whoring commence.

I'm floored by this fandom's contributions to FGB. You're all gorgeous souls, and I thank you for your care, your cash, your time. It's a beautiful thing, my friends.

Why the early update, Cam? Well, mainly because I have a Disappear Here update in my inbox that I'll be obsessing over for the next couple days and I'm anxious to read it.

In the Closet Anonymous Slash Contest is accepting entries until September 1st. Gimme, gimme, gimme the gay!

LSD, this Snoop's for you cuz we likes to rock up on the mic.

SubtlePen is one badass beta. Miztrezboo rocks the prereading. They're the hot fudge and whipped cream to this ice cream sundae. I'm the chopped nuts.