For the Summer - 1994

CH 12 – That Time I Ran You Over

1994

Kurt Cobain is found dead in his home in Seattle, WA. 

Forrest Gump is released in theaters in July. 

The X-Files wraps up it's first season on Fox..

…
When I think of my parents, the two people who are supposed to teach me how to handle life and what's been thrown at me, I've always had two contrasting viewpoints. My dad has always been matter-of-fact. There are no secrets with him. He tells it like it is and sees no point in bullshitting. My dad is a realist. It's what makes him such a good salesman. He's honest. He levels with people and they respect him for it.
My mom is the complete opposite. My mom is a fantasy. She lives in a pretty, soft world, with silk pajamas and fuzzy comforters. She gets a new car every two years even though she only drives fifteen minutes to work. She has her hair and her nails done and she speaks in clichés. Her advice is always light and fluffy and is never really helpful in dealing with a situation. Somehow it always makes me feel better, even if it's just a fantasy.
I think it's fair to say I've led a sheltered life. I've always been taken care of, always felt loved. I've spent the majority of my time wondering, observing, judging for myself how the world works, why some people are offered opportunities and others have to fight for everything they've got. While none of it is ever equal, it's often the first thing we think when bad shit happens, that it's not fair.
My mom and her boyfriend Phil were killed in a head-on collision coming home from a weekend trip to California. I didn't even know she was on vacation. They were speeding and veered into the oncoming traffic lane to pass a slow truck. Phil must have misjudged the distance, or maybe didn't see the other car heading straight for them. My mom was killed instantly. Phil lived a short while at the hospital but didn't make it through the night. It happens all the time on the long stretch of Highway 15 between California and Las Vegas. Not a year goes by that we don't read about some poor family destroyed by a fatal accident, and we talk about how the traffic will be clogged up for hours.
Well, this year, it's my family that's destroyed.
I was so sure it was Edward on the phone that night, so very sure that I didn't even stop to think how it made no sense for him to be calling the office so late. It never dawned on me that it might be the California State Highway Patrol looking for my mother's next of kin.
I was in disbelief. Stunned, really, but mostly I just didn't believe she was gone. I didn't even cry because it just didn't seem possible. She's always been gone, you know? I'd see her from time to time, talk to her once in a while on the phone. I kept thinking she was at the Tropicana and I'd go pick her up on her lunch break. She'd tell me about some drama going down at work and I'd tell her about Leah and Seth and Edward and it'd be just like normal.
My brother and Rose flew in for the week. We don't have any other family. My mom was an only child and my grandparents have been dead for years. We had the service at a little church in Vegas, packed with her friends from the casino and our friends from the marina. I stood with my family: Dad, Emmett and Rose. My dad held onto me the whole time, his arm around my shoulders, his thin frame sturdy and tough next to my soft one. He gripped my arm, holding onto me like he wished he could have held onto her.
A young woman with two small children approached me and introduced herself as Phil's daughter. Her eyes were red from crying and she hugged me tightly and told me she'd heard so much about me and she was sorry for my loss. I didn't know her at all. I didn't know anything about that woman. And I realized, I don't really know anything about my mom. All her friends are strangers to me. She's a stranger to me and it didn't make me sad or wistful or depressed.
It made me furious.
It's not fair. Why does this lady get to cry over my mom? Why does she know my mom and I don't? Why don't I know this lady? How much time did she get to spend with my mom, time that I'll never get to make up for now? I couldn't even empathize with this woman. I mean, she had lost her father too and maybe that makes me a horribly selfish person but I was just so jealous I could hardly breathe.
I questioned everything. Why did my mom have to leave us? Why didn't she take us to live with her, why didn't she demand we spend more time with her? If she really wanted us, she would have done everything within her power to have us, right? I began to view my relationship with my mom the same way I look at my photographs, as snapshots in time. That time she let us swim in the Tropicana pool. That time I wore her pajamas. That time she took us to see Star Wars. That time she bought me a bikini. That time she met Edward. It was all a fantasy, only the good, none of the grit, a pretty postcard from a vacation, and not much else. While I ached for my mom, and I missed her more than I could bear, I was struck with a deep and peaceful appreciation of my father. Everything he did was for us, for our family. He was tough because he had to be, because he was raising two young children on his own, and trying to run a business. My mom never stepped up to the plate to tackle this responsibility. She was a part-time mother. I loved her, loved every single moment I spent with her, but she never put herself out there for us. She never had to get her hands dirty.
I was very calm through all this. I kept my cool throughout the investigation, the parade of visitors offering their condolences and the endless amount of cards and flowers. I managed to keep it together until we have to go to her house. Emmett and Rose went with me and we spent the day boxing up her stuff. I had never been inside that house without my mother. We looked at her photo albums and rifled through her drawers. I poked around in her medicine cabinet and went through her makeup. I inhaled every perfume, tried on every lipstick. I pressed her soft silk pajamas to my face and I breathed her in and I sobbed until I felt sick, locking myself in the bathroom so my brother and Rose couldn't see. That didn't stop them from knowing, of course, and my brother broke down the door to get to me. I was so embarrassed, her red lipstick smeared on my face, my eyes swollen and snot pouring from my nose but they didn't say anything. My big brother just held me while I muttered, "It's not fair" over and over again. "I know Sis, I know" was all he said.
I took her photo albums and her red lipstick and perfume and the silk pajamas and a sapphire ring she always wore and we gave the rest of her stuff to her friends from the casino and to the Goodwill. She didn't have a will or a life insurance policy but her car was paid for and Emmett let me have it since my old VW was on the outs. It's a Beamer. It turns out she was upside-down on her house so Emmett decided we should keep the property and rent it out instead of selling it. The property, he called it, like it was nothing to us. It's not home. It's not comfort. It's just a snapshot.
All I wanted was Edward, but I hadn't spoken to him in months. I couldn't bring myself to page him when he obviously couldn't be bothered to call me back. The Cullens sent a card and a beautiful bouquet of white lilies and I wondered if he knew my mom was dead, if he knew what kind of hell I was going through. I wondered if maybe he would call or come see me but I got nothing from him.
Rose and Emmett left at the end of the week and everything went straight to hell. I was working in the office because working was at least a distraction, but I couldn't escape the gnawing reality. I was a twenty-two year old virgin, still living with my father and in love with a person that could care less if I existed. Worst of all, I had no aspirations for any of that to change. I had totally forgotten about my own birthday, until I got an envelope in the mail. I quickly tore through the paper to discover a birthday card.
I stared at it. It had a drawing of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the front on the inside it said, "Without you I'm just jelly." Written in neat handwriting across the bottom of the card were the words, "Happy Birthday Bella. I miss you. Love your friend, Edward." Inside the envelope were two concert tickets to see Pearl Jam in Vegas.
I just lost it. I mean, I was raging. I couldn't even think rationally what this meant I just knew in that moment that I was furious. No apology, no explanation, nothing but fucking concert tickets. I didn't need fucking concert tickets. I needed my friend. I was done, done with the whole shitty ordeal! Why did he even bother?
I started throwing things. I threw my stapler right through the window. I ripped the concert tickets to shreds. I ran out of the office and looked desperately for something, something to break, something I could hurt, something to take away the horrible gut wrenching cloud of disaster that I couldn't seem to get away from. I ran home and changed into my white eyelet camisole and the slim black skirt I bought for my mom's funeral. I combed my hair and left it loose and carefully painted my lips red. I coated my lashes with black mascara and sprayed myself with floral perfume. I was done waiting around for him. I was done with the fantasy. Edward was just like my mom, a snapshot in time, a friend when it was convenient and I was just done.
I knew exactly where I wanted to go. There's little bar in town where a lot of people I went to school with hang out. Once in a while, they get out-of-towners and Pay Checks in there. That's what I needed, no strings, no attachments. I wanted to scratch an itch.
In a last minute decision, I pulled my hair up off my shoulders and knotted it at the nape of my neck. Edward said I had nice shoulders.
Walking into the bar, I recognized a couple of people. Peter was bartending that night and I immediately lost my nerve the moment I sat down at the barstool. I had Peter in my Algebra class and he looked exactly the same and all of a sudden I was just little Swan again.
"Bella? I never see you in here. You look…great," he stumbled and I grinned shyly. Peter used to drive a Pontiac Grand Am. "What are you drinking, babe?"
"Whatever," I said and he poured me a drink and I didn't even know what it was but by the time Jacob showed up, I was completely wasted and pulling up my shirt to show Peter my tattoo.
I don't even know how it happened. One minute Jacob was sitting next to me at the bar and the next we were making out in his bedroom and his hands are up my skirt. I was mean to him, too. I told him that it was nothing more than a one-time thing, that I didn't want to go out with him, that I didn't love him, and that I never would. I told him I didn't want to talk about it ever again and then he told me that he hated me. He called me a stuck-up bitch and said it was just about sex, and he thought he'd won. Everything between us has always been a competition. He never wanted to win me, he wanted to beat me. He thought he finally broke me and I laughed at him because I knew the truth. You didn't break me, he did. I'm just using you, idiot. I'm using you to make me feel better, just because I can.
I didn't even have to take my clothes off and I could barely remember the sex when I woke up beside him. I didn't feel sore or bleed, like Cosmo said I would. I wasn't even sure if it really happened until I saw the condom in the trash and I wanted to vomit. I left before Jacob woke up. The sun was just beginning to show itself as I stumbled the two blocks back to my car.
I fell apart the minute I sat down in the driver's seat because I wanted to drive so far away from there. I wanted to drive to my mom's. I wanted to tell her what happened with Jacob and have her spout some trite cliché about how we learn from our mistakes or something, but she was gone and I missed her. I missed her ability to make everything so simple.
I wanted to drive to Seattle and punch Edward in the face and then kiss him and make love to him and never let him go. I wanted to drive to Washington, D.C. and hug my brother and let him protect me, like he always did when we were kids. I sat there at the intersection thinking of all the places I could go. If I turned left, I could drive away and never look back.
At that moment, the gas light in my mom's car came on, a little ding telling me that I needed to fill up, but it said so much more.
Ding! You don't have any gas money.
Ding! You're not going anywhere.
Ding! You're completely pathetic. And kind of slutty.
Ding! Go home, Bella.
I sighed and wiped my face with the back of my hand before driving the mile of cracked and uneven pavement back to my house. To the marina. To my home.
God, how could I have been so stupid? I didn't remember much about that night and the uncertainty of it all made me paranoid. Every day that month I didn't get my period I wanted to shoot myself. I had never been so happy to bleed in all my life. The day I started cramping, it was the most wonderful agony in the entire world. I swore I would never curse my period again and that next week, I went straight to the clinic in town and got on the pill. I avoided Jacob at all costs. He didn't seem to mind. He didn't call, didn't try to talk to me about it. It was like it never happened, and I was more than willing to pretend it hadn't.
I didn't tell anyone about Jacob, not even Leah. I was too embarrassed. I was so ashamed, I could hardly stand myself and Leah has no tolerance for stupidity. I didn't tell her, but Leah figured out something was up.
"Haven't see Jacob around here much. How'd you get him to leave you alone?" She shared her cigarettes with me as we stood on the bridge, the November air blowing in off the water. I thought about my sweatshirt, tucked away in my closet, and I wanted it. I wanted him, and then I remembered how he didn't show and I hated him all over again. Then I thought about how I would have to tell him about Jacob and I felt sick to my stomach with guilt, even though I knew I shouldn't. I didn't owe him anything.
"I don't know," I said, unable to meet her eyes and quickly occupied my lips by taking a long drag from her cigarette. She's too keen for her own good or, rather, for my good. She narrowed her eyes and pinched my cheeks in her hand and looked me square in the eye.
"You fucked him!" she hissed and released my face. I covered my eyes with my forearm, my tears smeared on my skin. I didn't want to hear what she had to say because it was going to be bad and it was all going to be true.
"Oh babe." Leah held me up, and I sank into her side. "God, I hate them, the whole family. They should be castrated."
"No, it's not his fault. I mean, yeah, he's an asshole, but I used him too. I told him I didn't really want him and then he told me he hated me. I was drunk."
"Damn, Bella. That is some depressing-ass shit."
"I know. Please don't hate me."
"Why would I hate you? You're stupid. You're lost. You made a mistake, but who hasn't? Oh God, my first time was awful! I was at this bonfire out on the cove and I wasn't even wasted. There was sand everywhere. It was like getting fucked with sandpaper. Luckily, it only lasted two minutes." Leah pulled my arm away from my face.
"I hate myself," I muttered and Leah rolled her eyes.
"Look, pity party of one, it's done. There's nothing you can do to take it back. Get over it and move on." Leah said, a fresh cigarette bobbing between her lips. "Besides, it's not your first experiences that should be the best, it's your last."
"Easier said than done. You of all people should know that," I snapped. Like I could just get over losing my virginity to a guy I hate. Like I could just get over the fact that my mom was dead and I would never see her again. Like I could just get over the fact that I had been completely abandoned by my greatest love.
"Yeah, I do know. I know all too well where you're going to end up if you continue to make excuses and feel sorry for yourself. Doesn't mean it's not true," she said quietly and I felt awful for snapping.
"I miss my mom. She'd tell me everything is fine. I'm so far from fine right now, and it's so stupid but just hearing her say it almost made it true." She hands me the cigarette and I take a long pull, letting the warm burn fill my chest.
"Bella, you're going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine," Leah said into my face. Her eyes were determined stone, and I wasn't the only one she was trying to convince.
Over the next several months I force myself to be fine. I don't complain about work, I submerge myself in taking pictures and fill my top dresser drawer with rolls of undeveloped film. I take smoke breaks with Leah and I force myself to freeze over. I harden and things that used to bother me don't. I'm not surprised when Jacob brings around his new girlfriend, Bree, and keeps his hand on her ass the whole time, like it's going to disappear if he's not touching it. I'm not upset when Edward doesn't call. I don't cry when Kurt Cobain is found dead. I watch America's Funniest Home Videos when I want to laugh and think of things I can videotape so I can win ten thousand dollars. Things that used to make me happy don't, but I'm not sad anymore either. The cocoon is back and I feel empty and void, but it's better than the hurt. I almost forget about him too, but as the summer months approach, I can feel myself starting to thaw. I fight it, but it's like my whole being knows he supposed to be here soon and it's preparing itself. I hate this feeling, the anticipation, the dread, the nausea. Oh God, what if he doesn't show?
Fuck, what if he does?
When the Cullens pull into the marina late in June, I'm a nervous wreck. It's dusk and I'm hauling my laundry in one of the utility carts down to the Laundromat when the big black Mercedes slowly pulls onto the gravel road in front of me. No Volvo. My insides deflate, my heart sinks right into the soles of my feet. The Mercedes stops and Dr. Cullen rolls down his window.
Alice peeks her head forward from the back seat and shouts a hello and then the back door is opening and Edward steps out into the evening heat. His fiery hair is short and looks darker, more brown than red, and is neat and trimmed around his ears and neck. His face is cleanly shaven and he's wearing a short sleeved button-up shirt over a white tee and khaki shorts. He stares me down and I don't know him. It's been so long since I've seen him and I wonder if I look different, I wonder if he recognizes me. I mean, of course he knows who I am, but does he see me? Does he see how I have changed? Can he tell just by looking at me? Can he see my thick heart? Can he see my broken spirit? Does he know how everything is so different now?
I grit my teeth as he looks at me warily. The black Mercedes disappears down the gravel road and Edward's left standing in front of me.
I want to hurt him, I'm so livid. I'm angry he's decided to show his face, I'm angry he doesn't know me, that I don't know him. I'm furious I was so easy to ignore. The concert tickets come flooding back to me and my hands are trembling on the steering wheel.
"Bella." His voice wavers. He sounds the same and I soften, which pisses me off. Damn him! God damn his hold on me, God damn my own soul for being so easily swayed by him, God damn his fucking beautiful face.
I ignore him and slam my foot down on the pedal, swerving around him as my wheels spin in the gravel. A cloud of dirt explodes around his feet and he jumps out of the way.
"Bella!" I hear him yelling behind me but I'm determined to get away from him. I don't look back. I drive as fast as the stupid electric cart can go. The gravel crunches beneath my tires, and I taste dirt in my mouth as my heart pounds in my chest.
I'm so focused on getting away from him that I'm caught off-guard when he jumps in front of the cart outside the Laundromat. I turn the wheel and slam on the brake and it locks, the back end fishtailing in the loose gravel and knocking him to the ground.
"Edward!" I screech and stumble from the cart. I fall to the ground, my hands roaming his face and neck and chest, my eyes frantically searching for damage before I realize he's laughing.
"You fucking hit me!" he gasps and I scoff in disgust. I leave him on the ground but he grabs my arm, his fingers on my skin like a familiar song I've forgotten the words to.
"Whoops," I say sarcastically and yank my hand away. I grab the heavy sack of laundry from the back of the cart and storm into the humid room, and toss the bag on the table. Edward is right on my heels.
"Bella, look, I know you're pissed at me," he starts and I spin around and shove him in the chest.
"Don't act like you know how I feel. You don't know anything about me."
"You're not even gonna give me a chance to explain?"
"You had a whole year to explain! You didn't want to explain shit. And now it's convenient for you, now you wanna talk? Now? I needed you this year. I needed my best friend. And you were gone," I shout, my hands flying through the air.
"I know. I'm not going to argue with you."
"Well, good." I pace the length of the Laundromat, my heart racing. I stop in front of him. "Why not?"
He frowns, his lips soft and sad. "Because you're right. Oh God, Bella, I'm so sorry about your mom."
My chest is heaving as I stand before him, my hands on my hips, my forehead creased. Tears well in my eyes as I try to make sense of his words.
"You know then, they told you," I nod and it's like another stab in the back and I don't let those tears fall. He knew and let me suffer this whole time without him. Prick!
"Not until later, after the funeral, after I sent your birthday card, I promise. I wanted to fly down here right away but I had school and I thought maybe you wouldn't want to see me," he says quietly. "Besides, you have that other guy, Seth, or whatever."
"Seth's in Saudi Arabia," I mutter. "And you completely blew me off last summer, so what's it to you which guys I have?"
"You're right, you're allowed to date whoever you want. That's not what this is about."
"What is this about then, Edward? After everything that happened with my brother, shit, after Vegas, how could you just not show?" It's a guilt trip, I know, passive-aggressive bullshit. Alright, maybe it's aggressive-aggressive, but I want answers, dammit!
"I failed a class, okay? Cellular and Molecular Biology of Human Disease," Edward shouts back at me, like the name's been festering inside him. "I had to go summer school. That's why I wasn't here. I had to make that class up, Bella and the summer session was the only time it was offered. I didn't have a choice."
"You could have told me," I argue. "I would have understood."
"I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want my dad to find out. I told him I was staying home to study for the MCAT and taking an extra course over the summer so I'd have an edge on the competition. Do you know the Medical Center on average has over four thousand applicants? Do you know how many they accept? Two hundred. Do you know how many of those students fail fucking Biology? Zero. As it is, I'm a whole semester behind and my application is due in November but I won't find out if I even get into medical school until like April or something, so basically I've lost a whole year."
"Well, that makes two of us," I bite and he narrows his eyes.
"You don't understand. My dad expects so much. I mean, it's humiliating when your dad's name is on the fucking text book and you can't pass the class."
"I don't see what the big deal is. So you have to wait a year, who cares?"
"I'm tired of waiting for my life to start. There are things I want to do and I can't do them until this is done. It's incredibly frustrating," he says and I frown.
"You still should have told me," I say, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"I know. I fucked up and I'm really, really sorry," he says, drawing out every word. "I didn't realize it until it was too late. Then I sent the card and you didn't respond and I knew it was too late. Is it too late?"
"You broke my heart, Edward." His face crumbles. "I can't-"
"Please," he whispers, his hand reaching for mine. I take a step back and he shifts forward and it feels like dancing. "I was wrong, okay? You win, you're right, whatever you want, please. Just don't say you can't. Please?"
"It's not good enough. Your excuse. It's shit," I say, my voice falters and he hears it.
His hands are in his hair, and I know he's hurting inside. "I know I was wrong, I know I hurt you and I hate myself because of it. Just tell me what I need to do. What do I need to do to fix this?" I find his eyes and they are helpless. Abandoned and pleading circles of green. It's like a fricking slasher flick, seeing that pain in his eyes. I'm Freddy Krueger and he's the dumb boy I'm murdering.
"You pinky promised. You said we'd always be friends, no matter what." He's leaning in, his finger digging into my heart. "Please Bella, I need you to be my friend. You can't not be my friend."
"You can't do that, ignore me for so many months and then just come back and expect everything to be fine. It's not like everything freezes here when you're gone. You can't treat people like that." I look down at that floor so I don't see the tears in his pleading eyes.
"Is it too late?" he whispers again, his face so close to mine and I want to tell him yes. It's too late. I'm hurt, I'm bitter and angry. I'm torn between wanting to hate him and feeling guilty because of how much he's hurting over this school thing.
We shouldn't want each other. All we end up with is miscommunication and hurt and pain and it really is so damn frustrating. I don't even know what we could have at this point but all I want to do is hug my friend that I haven't seen in such a long time.
"Fuck it, it doesn't matter," he says and pulls me into him. I cling to his shirt and bury my face in his chest. His lips press into the top of my head and I cry from sheer relief. Everything is shitty but he's here and I let him hold me. It's just a hug but I've never felt such comfort in all my life.
"It's okay, Bella. Everything's going to be fine." And for one second, I almost feel like it's true.
Just then Leah comes rushing into the Laundromat.
"Oh! Um, some guests told me some crazy lady in a cart hit somebody," she says and Edward steps away from me and I quickly wipe my eyes. "Yep, they had the crazy part right."
"Hey Leah," Edward says and she stares right through him, her eyes sharp as daggers.
"Uh-huh," is all she mutters and folds her arms across her chest. "I'm taking a smoke break, Bella."
"Okay, I'll be right there," I say as I hurriedly pull the dirty clothes from the sack and shove them into one of the washers and add the soap. I spin the dial and turn to find Edward staring at me.
"What?" I ask and he shakes his head. "I'm going to have a cigarette with Leah. Do you want to come?"
"So you smoke now?" he asks and I shrug my shoulders.
"Not really, just with Leah."
"Is there anything else you do that I don't know about?" he asks and my stomach sinks. I'm going to have to tell him about Jacob. As much as I don't want to, I can't stand having secrets from him.
"You were gone for a long time, Edward."
…
"And then he says, well, is that what you want? A break? And I said, I don't know, maybe, and the next thing I know, I'm packing up my shit to come here and I tell him not to bother," Alice says from her spot next to Leah in the back seat of my mom's Beamer. We're driving into Laughlin for the Fourth of July. They put on a big fireworks show every year, right over the water. I've never seen it, but Jacob says it's amazing.
I still haven't had a chance to tell Edward about Jacob. We've been hanging out this week, he meets me at the office for lunch or he brings me ice cream from the store and we talk. He lets me talk about my mom and he tells me about school and the hoops he has to jump to become a doctor and I can feel the stress rolling off him. We're friends, and it's comfortable and easy, like slipping into pajamas after a long hard day. But I just haven't found the right time to tell him.
Not that I have to tell him anything. He has no claim on me. I don't owe him a thing.
"I don't know, maybe I'm being too demanding, but come on, I'm twenty-four years old. I shouldn't be waiting around for him to decide what he wants. I mean, shit or get off the pot already." Alice has been on a rampage ever since she got here. Apparently, she told Jasper she wanted a break before she left. Not a break-up, just a break, so they can figure out what they really want. Personally, I think Alice wants a ring and that's why she's throwing a stink. She's used the phrase long term commitment more times than a psychiatrist in a mental institution.
"Fuck him!" Leah says. "It's not you, it's them. Men think their dick's gonna shrivel up and fall off the moment they commit to somebody."
I glance over at Edward seated beside me. He rolls his eyes and I suppress a low giggle.
"Not all men think like that," Edward says and Leah and Alice wear matching scowls. They're bonding over their hate of the male gender.
"Careful! They've joined their forces for evil," I say in a low voice from the driver's seat. "They'll obliterate you."
Edward laughs as I drive along the curving two lane highway. A song comes on the radio and I sing along, messing up the lyrics and hoping no one notices.
"Hey Bella, who sings this song?" Edward asks me and I look over at him, confused because I'm pretty sure he knows.
"Radiohead," I tell him.
"Well, let's keep it that way." He's fighting a smile and I smack at him with the back of my hand.
"They wrote this song about you, you know," I smirk.
"Whatever," Edward scoffs, dejected.
"He makes a valid point," Alice quips sarcastically from the back seat and Edward gives her a glare.
The sun begins to sink beneath the hills that shimmer like topaz and the sky ignites. I pull my sunglasses out of the center console and put them on to ease my squinting.
Suddenly, Edward rolls down the window and sticks his entire head out just as a foul smelling gas drifts from the backseat.
"Jesus!" he groans and I roll down my window too, gasping in the fresh air.
"Oh God, it's in my mouth," I gag.
"It was me," Alice says proudly. "And I don't even care. Just one more thing I can't do when I'm with Jasper."
"Alright, now you're crossing the line," Leah says and I can't help it, I laugh uncontrollably until tears are streaming down my face. I look over at Edward, and he's watching me laugh, his soft eyes creased in the corners and I feel better than I've felt in all year.
I exit the highway and drive the street lined with casinos. I pull into the Pioneer parking lot, the casino with the best spot to see the fireworks. It also has fishbowl margaritas and a little ice cream shop in the lobby, because nothing says God Bless America like a glass the size of your head filled with strawberry margarita.
I drive around the parking lot, looking for a spot closer to the front, but the place is packed. We end up parking out by the RV's and boats, and my flip flops feel like they're going to melt on the hot blacktop. We carry our folded up camping chairs and Leah and Alice walk ahead, engrossed in their man-hating conversation.
"Nice toes," Edward smirks as he takes my chair and slings it over his shoulder. I look down at the black nail polish.
"Don't look at my toes," I grumble. He brushes the loose hair from my neck before tugging on my ponytail, his fingers grazing my skin and causing goosebumps all down my spine.
"Why, because they look like ET's fingers?" Edward says and I scoff.
"They do not look like alien fingers!"
"They do too! Look how long they are!" he laughs and I look down to inspect.
"Whatever," I mutter. I should have worn sneakers.
"What, that's it? No sarcastic comment? No roll of the eyes?" he asks as he walks beside me.
"I guess I'm all out," I shrug.
"Oh come on, I know you have an eye roll in there somewhere," he grabs my arm and whips me around to face him, his arms pinning mine to my sides, the chairs hanging on his shoulders almost smacking me in the face.
"Let me go, you goon!"
"Nope, not until you roll your eyes at me."
I try to wiggle free but he's much stronger than I am and I finally just stop moving.
"Oh come on Bella, look deep into my eyes and give me what I want," Edward says in a sultry voice and through sheer instinct alone, I roll my eyes before I can stop myself. His lips curl into a sly grin and there they roll again.
"Fuck!" I say, causing Edward to laugh and kiss me on the forehead before letting me go.
"Nice! A twofer. Must be my lucky day." He winks at me and I fight the urge to roll my eyes for the third time in thirty seconds. He throws his arm around my shoulder and we catch up to Alice and Leah. The place is crammed with people. Families, couples, and groups of teenagers are all sporting their red, white and blue, just bursting at the seams with patriotism. A couple of kids run past us, shooting each other with squirt guns and the spray feels heavenly on my ankles.
We wade through the mass of people until we find a spot on the grass beside the River Walk, the three mile stretch of walkway that runs along the river. We squeeze in between a large family and a group of tormented teenagers. The teens are covered from head to toe in black, torn stockings and big heavy boots and I'm slightly worried one of them might pass out from heat exhaustion. Leah keeps giving them dirty looks.
"Hey!" Alice shouts as a woman in glittery sunglasses shaped like stars walks past us carrying a gigantic glass filled with red slush. "What is that and why don't I have one?"
"It's a fishbowl margarita," I say and Alice watches the woman intently.
"I want. I need!" she gasps and grabs my hand.
"Okay," I laugh and we all drudge through the crowd to join to the longest line I've ever seen at the bar inside the casino. Edward's standing behind me and he pulls the neckline of my shirt down, practically choking me in the process.
"Told you," Alice says.
"Told you what?" I spin around to look at them and he grins shyly.
"She told me about the tattoos. She said you didn't even cry."
"I didn't," I say proudly and whip my head back around.
"It's like the exact same color as the cliffs in Australia," he says as he looks down the back of my shirt again and I feel my face blush. The cliffs. Yeah, right.
We finally get to the front of the line and order three of the massive drinks. It's already fairly dark, but the area is lit with the glow of the casinos and streetlamps all along the River Walk. We're walking back to the chairs when I hear a grotesque sound behind me.
"Well, look who decided to grace us with his presence. I thought you were too cool for us now, college boy."
I keep walking but Edward turns around. Jacob's lips are pulled into a nasty smirk and I fight the urge to run and hide in my car for the rest of the night. He's with Sam, who looks so incredibly uncomfortable, especially because Leah's murderous gaze looks like a voodoo hex or something.
"Jacob, good to see you, man." Edward, being the more mature of the two, offers his hand. Jacob looks at it and then at me before finally smirking to himself.
"She hasn't told you yet," he says and I want to kill him, like I'm contemplating how bad prison would really be when Edward looks at me confused.
Leah comes to my rescue.
"Hi Sam," she says and we all turn our heads in complete shock. Sam looks like he might throw up, like a scared puppy unsure if he's being scolded.
"Leah," he nods. "You look good."
Her eyes narrow. "You still look like a douchebag," she says and Alice starts laughing mid-slurp.
"Haven't changed a bit then," Sam says with a wink and Leah's caught in his stare. Oh what a fucker!
Just then, Bree and Emily find us in the crowd. They're swinging Claire between them and I see Leah's face shift when she sees her cousin.
Leah just stands there, her huge margarita in her hands while Emily walks right up to her and gives her a hug. A small splash of margarita splatters onto the concrete. Before anyone can say anything else, they're walking away, the little dark-haired girl turning and watching us curiously over her shoulder.
Leah is dazed as we walk back to our chairs. She gulps her drink, and pauses only to fight off a horrendous brain freeze. Edward is silent in his chair beside me. He doesn't drink from his large bowl, and the icy slush is turning to lukewarm soup so it's quickly commandeered by Alice and Leah. They're pretty much wasted at this point. Alice keeps barking at couples who are making out on the River Walk.
"Oh get a room! That's just indecent," she yells at these two fifteen year olds holding hands.
"Look at those freaks next to us. Do you think they're throwing off the earth's magnetic field with all that metal in their faces?" Leah says loudly and a big muscular dude with a spiked collar turns to glare at us.
"What's the matter?" I ask Edward even though I'm pretty sure I know what's on his mind.
He just shakes his head, his knee bouncing up and down in the chair and I can't sit in this mess any longer.
"I need an ice cream." I stand up and Edward instantly stands beside me.
"Me too," he says dryly and I know he's going to ask me about Jacob. I take a few deep breaths and start off towards the little ice cream shop inside the casino. Edward's hand gently slides along the small of my back as he guides me through the crowd. We're not even through the door before he's murmuring in my ear.
"What was he talking about, Bella? What haven't you told me?"
I feel like I'm preparing for battle or something and it's not even that big of a deal. He's slept with lots of girls. I don't owe him anything and he has no right to be angry. Right?
I didn't do anything wrong. Right?
He's not going to see it that way. Even if he should.
Shit, maybe he'll be completely cool about this. He might not even care.
And that would be a whole other world of heartache.
"Bella, what was he talking about," Edward persists and I don't want to do this in front of everyone in the ice cream shop so I leave the line. He follows me and I grab his hand and pull him into a hallway next to the restrooms where it's not so crowded and sort of quiet.
"Look, I was a mess when you didn't show last summer. All this shit had been piling up and then my mom and you sent those fucking concert tickets. I ripped them up, you know. I was so angry with you."
"Is that it? You ripped up concert tickets?" Edward interrupts and I shake my head.
"Just, let me talk for a second, okay?" I take a deep breath. "I went to a bar. I was looking for… sex, I guess. I mean, I didn't consciously make the decision, or maybe I did. I can't remember but all I know is I hated you and I wanted… something."
I swallow. I can't say it, it grosses me out to even think it but Edward waits for the words.
"Jacob showed up." Edward closes his eyes, his fingers squeezing his temples and rubbing deep lines into his forehead. He knows. He's a smart guy. I'm sure he's figured it out. "I was already completely wasted."
"Just say it, Bella. Just say the fucking words," Edward snarls and his anger pisses me off. He has no right to be upset with me. I haven't done anything he hasn't.
"It was just one time. It didn't mean anything. I was just satisfying an itch," I snap at him and his eyes dart up to mine and they are blazing.
"Say it. Say the words, Bella. I want to hear you say it," Edward says and he's trying not to yell. "You can't even say it to my face. How can you say it doesn't mean anything when you can't even say it to my face?"
"Fine! I fucked him, okay?" I shout bitterly and Edward startles. "I was drunk and sad about my mom and disappointed because you let me down and I fucked him. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Why him? You could have anyone you want, Bella. Why Jacob Black?" He practically whispers it.
"I can't have anyone I want. You wouldn't have me, remember? You said no to me. I wanted you so bad and you said no." He pulls at his hair before sliding down the wall to sit on the carpeted floor. A dude with an abnormally huge foam cowboy hat comes out of the men's restroom. He glances between us as he passes us in the hall.
I sigh, and sit down beside him on the floor. I can hear the boom of the fireworks outside, the patriotic music blaring over the loudspeakers. We've missed them again. He leans his head against my shoulder.
"I don't owe you anything, Edward. You don't have any claim on me. I don't belong to you and I can date, or sleep with, whoever I want," I say proudly. I want him to argue. I want him to tell me I belong to him, that he doesn't want me dating or sleeping with anyone else. He could claim me now. He could whisper the words and I'd be his, even if it were part-time. Even if it were just for the summer.
But he doesn't.
"I know," he says. "I know I have no reason to be mad. Doesn't stop it from hurting."
"I know," I say as I lean my head against his and he traces the lines of my open palm resting on my leg.
"But if I ever see that fucker again, I'm going to rip his head off."
…
"No, everything's fine. We worked it out," I say over the receiver as I quickly print out a batch of checks.
"Really? You forgave him, just like that?" Emmett says and I frown. Yeah, rub it in. Rub it in how I have no balls when it comes to Edward.
Everything has been kinda wonderful since the Fourth. Edward spends every day with me. He brings his books and studies while I work and my dad sits at his desk and gives us dirty looks. My dad doesn't say anything though, he really can't at this point and I think he knows it. We all go see Forrest Gump in Boulder City and I cry when the mom dies and I think Edward does too. We listen to music and swim when we get antsy from sitting around all day. Sometimes Alice comes along but lately she's been at the pay phone eight times a day calling Jasper. She's been a depressed, mopey mess the last couple of weeks and joins me sometimes when I take my smoke breaks with Leah. Edward never comes along. He doesn't approve.
Leah doesn't approve either. Of Edward. She thinks I'm an idiot and that I need to demand a commitment or something from him but I know that's just not realistic. Having expectations sets you up for disappointment. If I don't expect anything, Edward can't disappoint me. If he wants to climb in my window and sleep next to me, I let him. If he wants to kiss me and feel me up a little, I let him do that, too, and it's like we're fifteen again. He's more hesitant to pursue a physical relationship than I am and I think it's because of everything's that's happened, but I take whatever he's willing to give.
We're in my room and I'm telling him about my mom, how she was always looking for something better, how she was never happy with what she had, when the realization smacks me in the face like a ton of bricks. I do this. Not in the same way, but I spend my days waiting for tomorrow. In that moment, I make a decision. I need to live today, for right now. All we have is this short time together and I'm not holding back anymore. I don't want to spend it mad at Edward or making him suffer, because that would just make me suffer and I don't want that any more. I just want to feel good for a little while and Edward makes me feel good.
"Well, it's not like he could help it, he-" I stop myself because I'm sure Edward doesn't want everyone to know he failed.
"He what?" Emmett asks and I sigh.
"He had to take an extra class. It was only offered during the summer," I fudge. It's not really a lie.
"He should have called you," Emmett says knowingly and I sigh. "He could have called about Mom at least."
"I know Emmett," I say through clenched teeth and Emmett is quiet for a few minutes.
"Look, Sis, I'm just trying to help," he says.
"It would help if you came home. It's almost been a year. Can you come home at least for my birthday? Please? For the anniversary?" I ask quietly.
"I think we can swing that," Emmett says and I beam.
"Thanks Emmett."
"Hey! I've been meaning to ask you. Have you watched that show, X-Files? Bella, it's an entire show based on alien abductions. Freaks me the fuck out!" Emmett says and I laugh, just as Jacob walks into the office.
"Emmett, hold on," I say and wordlessly hand him his check. He give me a salute and stalks out the screen door and like a minute later Edward walks in, his face red with anger.
"Is there anything you can do to get him fired?" Edward asks, motioning out the door to Jacob I assume.
"Believe me, I've tried," I mutter.
"What happened?" Emmett asks over the phone.
"Oh nothing-" I say into the receiver. Edward leans against my desk, his legs intertwined with mine. He picks up a pad of post-its and a black sharpie. "Um, I haven't seen that show, sounds interesting."
"It is! Dude! It's like these writers are stealing thoughts from my brain." Edward scribbles onto one of the post-its and I wrinkle my nose at the chemical marker smell. He sticks the note to my shirt and I pull it from my shoulder.
You me, boat now.
"On the season finale, they found evidence that the government is experimenting with alien DNA," Emmett continues and Edward's motioning to the door, nodding his head and wiggling his eyebrows and I almost giggle.
"Whoa, that's just like that theory you had in eighth grade," I say and Edward scribbles onto another post-it. This time he sticks it to my cheek and I snatch it off my face. There's a picture of two stick figures with big smiles on a pathetic excuse for a boat under a crudely drawn replica of my sun tattoo.
"Are those boobs?" I laugh and Edward shrugs and draws another picture.
"What are you talking about?" Emmett asks.
"Nothing, Edward's drawing cartoons," I say and he sticks another post-it to my head. This time the stick figure with boobs is swooning over the much larger stick figure with huge biceps, I roll my eyes and crumple the paper into a ball and throw it at him. He swipes at my arm with the sharpie and I quickly use my foot to push him away. He makes a mark on my bare leg instead, a thick black line on my shin.
"Okay Sis, we're going out to dinner. I'll talk to you soon," Emmett says and I hang up the phone. Edward smiles at me mischievously and I frown, craving retaliation.
"Ass!" I say and rub at the black line but it's no use. His mark is permanent.
"Come on, let's go for a boat ride," he says, capping the marker and setting it back on my desk. He grabs my arm and pulls me from the chair and I don't resist. It's August and Edward will be leaving soon.
He twines his fingers with mine as we walk down the sidewalk to the docks, and the sun heats my body. Edward bends down and kisses my shoulder, his lips pressing into the warming skin and I look over at him and smile. He just feels so good and I know he's going to leave soon but I can't bring myself to feel sad.
We reach the bridge and Jacob's working on the dock, and I instantly go rigid. I avoid his eyes as we walk past him and we've almost made it without an altercation when Jacob has to open his big fucking mouth.
"Aw, how cute, you guys playing house?" Jacob sneers. "Hey Bella, give me a call when he goes to work. I'll be your milkman."
Edward drops my hand and spins around, charging towards Jacob and for a split-second I see fear in Jacob's face.
"Don't talk to her, don't look at her, you just stay the fuck away from her!" Edward bellows and I'm shocked at his tone. Jacob looks amused.
"What bothers you more, Pay Check? The fact that you're playing sloppy seconds, or that no matter how many times you fuck her, I'll always be her first?"
I can't breathe I'm so irate, his statement like a slap in my face. There aren't even words to describe how much I hate Jacob right now, but I hate myself even more, because it's true. I'm afraid this is one of those mistakes that will never leave me.
"You'll never be anything to her," Edward spits and turns to walk away.
"She was tight too," Jacob says and I gasp at his vulgarity.
"Motherfucker," Edward growls and I watch as his fist collides square with Jacob's big ugly nose. Jacob's head snaps back and his knees buckle as he crumples to the ground. Edward shakes out his hand and inspects his knuckles. He opens and closes it as he walks towards me and I look at Jacob holding his nose on the ground. He's bleeding and he stumbles to his feet, wiping his face with his shirt before spitting the blood from his mouth.
"Are you okay?" Edward asks me and I'm stunned.
"Yeah, of course I'm okay. Are you okay? Oh my God, you hit him," I say and he pulls me towards the Cullen's boat.
"Yeah," he chuckles.
"How's your hand?" I ask as we climb into the boat and he goes straight to the ice chest on the back bench. It's still filled with halfway melted ice from their excursion on the water earlier. He shoves his hand in the cold water and sighs.
"It hurts like a bitch," he winces and I laugh.
"Here, let me see it," I say and he bites his lip and shakes his head.
"Come on, you big baby, I'll be gentle, I promise."
He pulls his hand out of the water and I grab a towel and gently dry off his hand. Oh, how I love these fingers. His knuckles are bloodied and bruised, the abrasions pink and peeling and I look up to find his glowing green eyes peering into mine.
"Can you wiggle your fingers?" I ask and the corner of his mouth twitches up into a smirk. "What? I'm trying to be nurturing and shit!"
He laughs and I kiss him on his lips because I can't believe he punched Jacob and while I'm sure it was partly to make himself feel better, it made me feel better too.
"You didn't have to hit him, you know," I say, still holding his injured hand in mine.
"Hey, eventually, somebody was gonna do it. That douche doesn't know when to shut his trap," Edward shrugs. "I'm kinda glad it got to be me."
"For the record, I could have punched him too, but I was frozen in shock," I say indignantly and Edward pushes my hair behind my ear with his good hand, his thumb on my cheek as he grins.
"I know." Edward looks down at his hand. "So, I was thinking. I brought you a present for your birthday. But I really just wish I could go back in time and change everything about last summer. So I'm giving you a mulligan instead."
"A mulligan?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah, like in golf when you hit a bad shot and you get to try again. A do over," he explains.
"A do over? I don't understand," I say and he purses his lips.
"I know I let you down and I want to make it up to you. You get one do over of your choice. You want to redo prom, we can go to prom. You want to redo our first kiss, I'll make it happen. You want to redo Vegas, we can do that too," he says quietly, and I blush when I think of that night. "I just want you to be happy, Bella. In every memory you have of me, I want you to look back and be happy."
"I'm happy right now," I say.
"Are you?" he asks, skeptically.
"I'm happier," I admit. "And it gets easier every day. It gets easier to miss my mom. It gets easier to accept that the marina is my life now. It gets easier to let down my walls once in a while."
"It gets easier to say good bye?" he asks and my eyes well with tears.
"No. That'll never be easy," I sigh and he nods in agreement.
"So what happens now?" he asks and I shrug.
"I don't know. You have a lot going on this year so why don't we just meet back here next summer and we'll see where we are," I say. It's the only course that makes sense. "At the very least, we'll be friends."
"And I still owe you a do over," he says and I smile. I kiss his swollen fingers gently and he wraps his arm around my neck, my face presses into his skin and I clench my eyes shut as he squeezes me tight.
"It's a date then."
…

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A/N:

I love you all madly. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate them all.

I will update on Friday, just like normal :)

SubtlePen is beta queen and Miztrezboo is the princess of prereading. I'm the court jester.